blog no. 1
good afternoon, world and self. time to get my word in edgewise before everyone else wakes up. (because at 12:30, i’m still the early riser)
so as blog number 1 i guess I’ll state my intentions with this journal. I’ve started many journals throughout my life and all of them got no more than ten entries.
But I think this self dialogue is important, something i’ve been missing. My thoughts are always racing in circles, so my self-talk is very confused and situational when it’s kept inside. And when i’m put on the spot, I can’t encode my feelings into thoughts and thoughts into words quickly enough to properly communicate with the fellow humans. Maybe this will help? I’m hoping I can create this blog without delving into the details of why I am the way I am. Maybe I don’t want to assume that the reason I’m like this is someone or something’s fault. It would be easier to be mad at nothing. At the hand of God himself, which I can’t see. They say to forgive your family, to love them, that they are everything. They say don’t bite the hand that feeds you, but they haven’t fed me in years and years...not food, anyway... no, nothing but a heaping dish of guilt and loathing. So I’m trying to pay attention to which hands are feeding me now. Lately, it’s just mine and my life - partner’s for the most part- and 2 or 3 friends, who i keep at a distance. It’s hard to even trust those people who are helping me. It’s like i believe their love is a lie somehow, because I can’t understand how someone can simply just CARE, for no particular reason. Some of these hands who feed, I’ve barely met, I’ve barely known, so where does their goodwill come from?? It’s a mystery to me. Despite this paranoid way of thinking, I do my best to treat them like they are true and sincere. Reciprocating is difficult, though. To me, being genuine normally means blank stares and discerning eyes. It’s like, can I really believe anything anyone is saying EVER?