Analytical Emotional

a daily journal for processing life

[missfox2494]

30 minutes drawing of Scratch

[missfox2494]

dear all of the artists pls make friend with mmmmmeeeeeee

[missfox2494]

blog 5

(groans) i’m so fucking hungry and angry and sad and tired

i guess i’ve been unknowingly stealing food from roommate 2 because I cook for roommate 1 and myself and roommate 1 brought home food without telling me who it belonged to and let me assume it was free to use. then roommate 2 starts being like hey did you use my this, did you use my that? and of course roommate 2 is better friends with roommate 1 than he is with me so he WOULD ask me first and not roommate 1 I hate being the lowliest person in the room honestly and way too used to it i’m fucking starving bruh I have NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE i have like 4 rotten okras in the fridge and that is it before that i had flour sugar and peanut butter but those belong to the roommate so now i have nothing AND i have people trusting me less fuck

[missfox2494]

blog 4

its been a rough day off work period started this morning

and of course any random antagonizing from people come at about that time too someone on fb sent me some threatening messages and my roommate said something to me about cleaning the kitchen and other cleaning related things totally justified, but upsetting all the same i have mental health issues that i can’t seem to get in control of on my own so that has a lot to do with it basically i have no energy or motivation and always feel bad, guess that’s called depression i also have food intolerances that i’ve been completely ignoring because the only things in my cabinet at the moment are white flour, sugar and canola oil and a bunch of spices and condiments So it’s been “savory pancakes” every day that i don’t have work for over a week now my body feels like a dumpster I can’t wait to get on my proper diet again because when I followed it carefully i felt pretty damn good. I miss that a lot and it was only a few weeks ago

so it’s something to look forward to but the waiting is awfullllll

[missfox2494]

Habits

I have a lot of bad habits. Smoking. Eating. Drinking. Not particularly bad things on each count- i don’t smoke cigs, or drink alcohol, and i don’t eat meat or dairy- but the way that i use them to break up my day and procrastinate has been a concern throughout my life. When I was around 9, I quit biting my nails.... and started pulling my hair instead. When I was in my teens, I broke my snacking habit- by picking up chewing gum. When I quit drinking alcohol, it was for coffee. When I quit drinking coffee, tea replaced it (but not for long). It’s weird but I guess i’m always craving a five minute break for some reason. Or maybe it’s that I can’t pay attention to one thing unless i’m paying absent minded attention to something else. Like I have this weird tandem brain. That can only do one thing if it’s ignoring another. No joke. I have so many work-in-progress paintings, right? Sometimes I have two or three in front of me. I try to apply a lot of one color at a time and have some paintings with the same colors in them, so that i can put one down when it frustrates me and pick up another one. So I have some weird habits that make me feel like structuring the way I do things...differently. Now I have goals. I need more about my days. And to stop consuming sugar and spending so much money on other things I don’t need. But it seems the only way to end one habit is to replace it with a fresh one. So now I have to list the habits I want to achieve.... Later I’ll make a list of ones to drop as well. DAILY HABITS TO BUILD

- Daily Exercise - A.M. Dog care sequence same every day - A.M. Full Self care sequence same every day - Timed art sessions per medium - Timed chores session per area

WEEKLY HABITS TO BUILD

- Savings! 20 a week - Once Weekly Intensive Self care - Dog park - Long painting session - Make art publishing plan for the week

[missfox2494]

blog 3

life update, concise descriptive version so i’ve been working at this veggie burger place for about three weeks ago and I am loving it the menu is simple, the people are also simple (punks n hipsters who give about as many fucks as i do) andthe expectations are reasonable. It’s leaving me a reasonable amount of free time also, so i’m not going crazy and it’s walking distance so i don’t have to deal with public transportation or weather too much. When my paycheck comes in i’m going to kick start a new diet that i tried to start a while ago but then couldn’t afford to maintain. It’s gonna basically be ketogenic vegetarian. sorry to be a food nerd but i am excited about it because when i did start on this diet i was strictly holding to it for almost a month and i was feeling a lot better physically than i was prior. so yeah the other thing i’m gonna do when my check comes in is get a HAIRCUT excited about this cause that veggie burger place is a food truck and it gets real hot in there And i’m excited about the style i am choosing, which i can post a drawing of later on when i first decided i was gonna get it cut i was kind of sad. cause i have trich and my first reason for cutting it was cause i pulled a lot of hairs off my scalp which is always disappointing. but now i’m just glad i’ve made a plan to do something about it and enjoy a fresh look. I’ve been bald before (for the same reason) and honestly it is a good feeling to have the air on your skin like that.  This time i won’t be totally bald, i’ll have tassels. I have to wait a bout half a week before my paycheck comes in, so i’m covering a bald spot until then... welcome to Hats-and-Bandanas town. In terms of longer term goals i’m still trying to get more well defined. But I know the first BIG ONE is to move into MY OWN studio apartment with my dog. Right now I live with my ex who has got two cats and a dog. i broke up with him at the beginning of the year so its really frustrating to still be living with him. I feel defeated constantly. And taking care of all of the other animals as well as my own dog and myself gets to be a lot. I can’t honestly say whether i’m overworked or not but it’s hard not to feel that way. I give more time to pet- related chores on a daily basis and neglect things like dishes or things regarding ME, like laundry and hygeine routines.  The point is that living with an ex can be really abrasive even if you are still the best of friends. There’s too much room for friction and problems and blaming if anything ever goes wrong. Too much scapegoating. So I’ve got to save up and get my own independent business going. I need my artwork to be moving. I’ve got a few ideas that i have trouble organizing. My spare time i usually spend trying to flesh out artwork pieces i have already going. But I need to do more outreach and get social about it on the internet for sure. I really want to create a few comic series, including a sort of “Cooking Mama” inspired one, a devils and angels one, and a future ice age one.  I also do acrylic painting and I will insist to you that i have skill in this. I do. But my works don’t photograph well and i’m still developing- i only started painting effectively about four or five years ago, and it’s been an uphill battle that i’m determined to keep on fighting. I’m glad I’m onto digital art so I can publish those things more quickly and give my acrylic work more time to stretch and fine tune. I just hope one or more of my art forms will bring me FORTUNE in this year.

[missfox2494]

blog 2

It’s hard not to wonder what i would do differently if i could go back a number of years. There’s plenty to regret, and plenty of pain that could have been avoided. And I’m so far away from being the person I really want to be. I feel like i’m getting farther away all the time. Still, I’d have to go pretty damn far back to really change anything... One of my best friends likes to ask, What would you do if you could go back in time to when you were 6 years old, with all of your knowledge of future events... what would you do? Lately I ask myself that a lot. Some friendships wouldn’t have ever blossomed. I might have fought harder for my art. Saved more money. Gotten away from home in a different way. I probably would have never cut my hair off. I’d have gone vegetarian as a kid too and probably go to school for nutrition. I just have to wonder, beyond those “Important matters,” whether i’d have had a different lover cause i think about the one that got away all the time

[missfox2494]

blog no. 1

good afternoon, world and self. time to get my word in edgewise before everyone else wakes up. (because at 12:30, i’m still the early riser)

so as blog number 1 i guess I’ll state my intentions with this journal. I’ve started many journals throughout my life and all of them got no more than ten entries.

But I think this self dialogue is important, something i’ve been missing. My thoughts are always racing in circles, so my self-talk is very confused and situational when it’s kept inside.  And when i’m put on the spot, I can’t encode my feelings into thoughts and thoughts into words quickly enough to properly communicate with the fellow humans. Maybe this will help? I’m hoping I can create this blog without delving into the details of why I am the way I am. Maybe I don’t want to assume that the reason I’m like this is someone or something’s fault.  It would be easier to be mad at nothing. At the hand of God himself, which I can’t see. They say to forgive your family, to love them, that they are everything. They say don’t bite the hand that feeds you, but they haven’t fed me in years and years...not food, anyway... no, nothing but a heaping dish of guilt and loathing. So I’m trying to pay attention to which hands are feeding me now. Lately, it’s just mine and my life - partner’s for the most part- and 2 or 3 friends, who i keep at a distance. It’s hard to even trust those people who are helping me. It’s like i believe their love is a lie somehow, because I can’t understand how someone can simply just CARE,  for no particular reason.  Some of these hands who feed, I’ve barely met, I’ve barely known, so where does their goodwill come from?? It’s a mystery to me. Despite this paranoid way of thinking, I do my best to treat them like they are true and sincere. Reciprocating is difficult, though.  To me, being genuine normally means blank stares and discerning eyes. It’s like, can I really believe anything anyone is saying EVER?

[missfox2494]

A good art of fae, by me

[missfox2494]

more digital art newb stuff xxxx

[missfox2494]

hey it's me in the internet!