Hey I read your vent post (?) about you and your relationship with your husband. I hope you are doing at least a little bit better mentally after getting those words out. This might be completely out of line and if it is feel free to delete this, but I really think you should try explaining all of that to him. At least that when you felt pressured and burdened to always top that it put a strain on you mentally, and that you also want to experience being a bottom. Especially, because if you don't it could lead to a lot of resentment, especially towards their partner. Not to mention that it might clear some things up for him as to why you had rejected / pushed him away. If you guys have been married for so long, there has to be love from him, and he should at least be able to listen to you. I hope you have a good life.
Thank you so much for the message and concern anon! It really means a lot to have someone message with care. But, yea it was definitely a vent post haha. Most of the ones in my #runic raving tag are pretty venty and complainy. It does help to get them written down somewhere as opposed to just letting them build up and fester like I'd normally do, which is something I've been trying to work on lately cause I can definitely find myself falling into negative feedback loops pretty easily. For some reason writing them down where they might just be seen by someone helps break the loop.
So I definitely explained to him about how it put a lot of strain on me feeling like I needed to top and how I really wasn't one. That's kind of what triggered everything, was my admitting that and how I couldn't mentally keep it up any longer. I was definitely at a low point when I admitted that and it's taken a while to bounce back. Like 7 years a long time.
What triggered that post however was me talking to him about how I was wrong about being ace, something I'd told him when I was at my lowest because I was so depressed and felt so bad about myself with how the bottom surgery went that I had 0 interest in sex and was kind of sex repulsed for a long while. Now that I'm finally in a better place mentally and I'm starting to get a sex drive back, (though admittedly not as much of one as I'd like) I wanted to let him know and see where things could go.
He kind of shut me down on options, though he was definitely willing to talk and hear things out from me. From his end there was basically a combination of a couple things, first he said he's completely incapable of topping so he wouldn't be able to help me there, but also, about how betrayed it had made him feel which made just the concept of sex between us very awkward. He has OCD and can sometimes fall into negative feedback loops himself and apparently my choice of words when I told him that I wasn't a top kind of became a bit of an obsession for him unfortunately. Working on his obsessive compulsive thought patterns is definitely something he's been working on a lot lately.
I will admit I do have a bad tendency towards resentment, though I don't hold any towards his other partner. I'm actually really happy about their relationship, that he is finally getting an actual top. If anything I'm more envious than resentful about it. Envious of my husband getting that kind of relationship but knowing I never will, which I could definitely see twisting into resentment over time.
But there is definitely a lot of love there, we've been married 11 years at this point and there's definitely no shortage of love and care in both directions. I definitely had to work up the courage to talk to him when it's a serious topic, as I've always struggled with subsuming my concerns or desires to make other people happy or comfortable, but it's something I've been working on and while I might not get what I want I at least feel heard and understood.
Thank you so much for the care and concern anon. It really does mean a lot to me to have someone reach out like that!
