#fakecriswell

[fakecriswell]

The future of T-shirt slogans

One of the most popular reasons that people are wearing T-shirts these days is to loudly proclaim their beliefs on their clothing! From religion choice to preference in the opposite sex, everything appears to be showing up on a T-shirt these days!

Will this trend continue in our incredible future? I predict that it will!

In fact, in our future I predict that every single opinion that a person can have will make it onto a T-shirt, from their preference for colleges, to how they feel about "no right on red” signs, to what breakfast cereal they had that morning!

In fact, this opinion-sharing will be so prevalent that it will make government studies much easier! The census will be extremely easy to conduct, as nearly every citizen will have the answers to all the questions on their shirts! And elections will near 100% participation in the future, as T-shirt slogans are allowed by law to count as your vote!

So you see, you will have to choose your T-shirts very carefully in your incredible future, my friends, or else you might inadvertently vote for “Pedro” -- even if he isn’t running for office!

Mark your calendars, for I predict this will all start to occur by the year 2072!

[fakecriswell]

The future of chess

While many people are still playing chess centuries after the game’s invention, the advances in chess technology continue to mount as time marches onward! I present to you these three predictions about the future of chess!

I predict the first person under 10 years of age to achieve the title of chess grandmaster will be a young child of 7 from the Southwest United States, who will win the title sometime in the year 2044!

I further predict the knowledge required to become a chess champion will become to great that many tournament games will simply be concluded after a handful of moves, because the two players will recognize well in advance of the end of a game how it will turn out!

I finally predict that chess will gain popularity in the 2040s, leading to a summer tour of chess champions playing all comers at various summer music festivals!

These things will, I predict, happen in your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of curling

Finally! I am here to bring you the terrifying future of the odd winter sport known as curling!

I predict that thanks to several high-profile homicides in the curling community in the next 20-30 years, most communities will ban the game outright from their borders! Curlers will need to travel to more welcoming areas to play, which may be a nearby city or state, and at worst might mean leaving the country!

Underground curling clubs will keep the sport alive, at least for a few years. After several “whatever happened to curling?” specials on network TV, a new federal administration will attempt to legalize curling!

Will they succeed? I predict that they will!

But only if responsible sportsmen are able to keep their feelings in check when curling! This means you, my friend!

I implore you to keep calm when you are curling, or else you may end up just another sports casualty in your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of beach front property

As you may be aware, the coastline of this continent is always changing! Oceans eat away as precious seaside property, and people who buy houses overlooking the shorelines suddenly find their houses underwater -- literally!

As a result, I predict the real estate brokers of the future will get a bit creative to offer beach front property to their clients!

Many realtors will simply build their own shorelines on floating barges anchored just off the coast! These floating communities will include houses and an artificial beach, allowing owners to have a more permanent shore that won’t get eroded over time!

Others will invest heavily in the surrounding lands, buying up all property for miles inland! Then, when the inevitable march of time starts to eat away at one’s front door, they will mount their customers’ houses on trucks and move them inland a few hundred feet! In this way, home owners will always be assured the beautiful views without being affected by erosion.

And finally, some architects will simply design amphibious houses, which will function normally until such time as they fall into the ocean, where they will then become submerged waterproof homes!

These amazing steps will, I predict, be taken in your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of museum exhibits

If you’ve been to a museum lately, my friends, you are no doubt familiar with the current trends in museum exhibits. The emphasis is on some sort of interactivity, whether it’s quizzing the patrons, allowing them to dress up as people of history, or in extreme cases allowing them to touch certain delicate works of art!

I predict there will be new trends in museum exhibits in our incredible future!

As overpopulation begins to be a serious issue, I predict that many museums will offer food and drink as part of their exhibits, enticing many more people to show up than normally would have! This will lead to food shortages at the museums, which if not carefully managed may turn into full-scale rioting. So be warned!

Other exhibits in our future will allow museum guests to actually finish some research the museum is currently working on! Patrons will be asked to provide insight on unidentified works of art, finish restoring certain pieces, and even speculate on what pieces the museum should buy in the future!

Finally, I predict that some museum exhibits will be 100% virtual, and provide no physical pieces of art to see! Patrons will simply walk through an empty space with goggles on, viewing an artificial gallery space filled with outlandish exhibitions! 

These exhibits -- and many more! -- will be coming to a museum near you in your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of key rings

How many keys do you have on your key ring today, my friends? Too many? I thought so! You’re a perfect candidate to hear what key rings will be like in our incredible future!

I predict that key rings of the future will consist of a single pre-programmed key that can take on the shape of multiple keys! When you insert the key into a lock, it will read an internal ID value of the lock, and automatically adjust its dimensions to provide the correct shape to open the lock!

A word of warning, though; these devices will be programmed to give the user an electric shock if inserted into an unauthorized lock, so don’t think you can just go around using these things on any old lock!

For those who struggle with too many keys, this piece of hardware will be a literal life-saver (if one is suffering debilitating stress from the weight of one’s keys)! And it will, I predict, show up in YOUR incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of political advertisement

We see them every day, but how will political ads look in our incredible future?

I predict that the political ads of the future will feature computer-generated images of politicians doing superhuman feats, such as bending girders or picking up large buildings! In attack ads, the politician’s opponents will be seen being crushed underneath large heavy objects, or being thrown into dirty pools of water!

I further predict that a few Supreme Court decisions in our near future will make it essentially legal to put any statement into a political ad! Therefore we will see such memorable ads as “Candidate X will give you cancer” or “Senator Y caused the financial crisis”! This will of course lead to open brawling between candidates during debates, which will also be ruled legal.

As a result of these drastic measures, I predict the voters of the future will tune out political advertisement, and end up picking their candidates pretty much at random! This will of course cause dismay among the politicians in power, and as a result they will begin the long and difficult job of reining in political advertisements.

These events will, I predict, happen in your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of targeted entertainment

While it may seem today that many movie-makers are creating films for specific audiences, that is nothing compared to the incredible future of cinema!

Yes, I predict that in the next 30-50 years, when computers are sophisticated enough to generate complete films from scratch, the era of micro-focused films will begin!

These films will be tailored to a very small subset of people, such as bankers living in Ohio, or Cub Scouts in the San Fernando Valley, or even down to individual persons!

These targeted films will be shown as regular cinemas, with significantly higher ticket prices. The increase will be justified by the computer-generated film showing the targeted audience within the film, as background players, or even as the hero!

Will YOU see an action epic where YOU are the hero? I predict that in your incredible future, you may very well see that thing!