I feel things so deeply, I feel things so intensely… because most of the time I don’t feel anything at all.
I’m sitting here looking back at my life, the last 15 years I never thought I would have, and it feels empty.
I’m empty, I’ve been disassociating really bad for the last few weeks and I feel like I just came back.
Like holy shit I have my own apartment and even that’s like 🤷
I haven’t wanted to be here for a while, I’ve mostly just been ohk with not wanting to not want to be here over past several years, and right now I’m just like … idk.
I want to and I’m ready to go back to school, but if I die today, that’s fine too.
I’ve been living every day hoping I don’t wake up anymore because I haven’t actively wanted to die in years.
I’m just tired of being tired, I’m tired of having lived with hashimotos for 10 years, holy fuck that actually brought tears to my eyes, I haven’t not been tired in almost 11 years.
And it’s just going to get worse, and idk. Nobody I know reads this, so when I need to just put the worst out there I put it here. Not because I think someone will save me, but because it means I existed. I was here.
Fallen shadow, how damn low was I that I believed I was a forgotten/ banished shadow… not even a real person.
How to people go through there whole lives not remembering everything? How can people be ohk with not being able to even remember yesterday.
Ya know, I knew I pushed myself as a child, whenever I did anything I thought normal people should be able to do.
When I did those things, “pushed my physical limitations” if you will, I know I was damaging myself in some way I would eventually feel. I knew my older body would suffer consequences somehow… yet I pushed and persevered because I didn’t think I would live long enough for it to matter.
And right now everything is disconnecting again.
No one is reading this the way I checked on my friend while they were in college. When they couldn’t reach out and be honest about what they were going through. I checked on them to make sure they were alive because they were honest on here, because they weren’t judged here.
And now they no longer need this place to relent, so I’m here alone.
The only other friend who was on this site is no longer my friend due to my own failings.
Who am i, why am i even bothering with this? I’ve done everything in my past to prevent people from feeling what I feel, and yet no one has come through for me like this ever because I don’t know how to be honest.
I’m tired of being in my head, maybe disassociating is better than feeling this emptiness.
