#falynn-thoughts

[precariouslynonchalant]

2026. 03. 16: Masking

This has been brewing in my head for awhile. I admit, visiting my aunt affects me most of the time which is why I don't meet with her often. In itself that's probably another topic for another time, haha. It's now been days since I feel somewhat gloomy and down. Words and phrases like "I'm fine", "I'm okay" are my canned responses despite feeling none of those. What am I really feeling? I don't think it matters when I say it to others, it will either be dismissed, ignored, or be a burden to them, at least that's what I feel most of the time.

Funnily enough the recent main quest I played in WuWa was similar, Aemeath who turns out to be Rover's adopted child was masking her feelings and worries to their parent. Made me really cry and how it resonated with me. Though we may have different reasons for masking but the feeling is there, MASKING.

What am I masking? Well my feelings first both mentally and physically and then what I really think. I think it has been this way since I was a kid. I'm so used to growing up being told to stay put and be quiet that that's what become of me. I also get blamed for things that wasn't me when I was a kid so its also another cause and another different topic Lol. Will I grow out of it? I hope so. For now the masks stays until it cracks.

[precariouslynonchalant]

2025. 09. 20 FINDING OUTLET

From time to time I ask myself, "Where will this take me?" Doubting myself is an on and off thing. I'm confused and lost as I don't know where it will lead me. I want to stop. I need an outlet of some sorts. I don't know what to do with this.

Why must it feel this way. I can't scream. I want out. LET ME OUUUUUUUT.

I have these NEGATIVE FEELINGS that is kept somewhere in me. Ever since that last two years of college, it keeps coming out. Like it's crawling out of the surface because it's too much in there. Why weren't we thought on how to handle these kinds of things. I don't know how to handle it. How do you handle it? I just want it to stop.

My head hurts thinking...

[precariouslynonchalant]

2025. 03. 22-23: HOW?

"I stay up all night, tell myself I'm alright"

Ummm...Ever had that moment where you are taking a shower and you had these thoughts that could go well with this post but as soon as you leave the shower you just forgot everything. Can't even remember anything you said while in the shower. THIS, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE.

I stayed in the bathroom for a bit, and I suddenly remember a keyword: THERAPY and SELF THERAPY. So maybe I can start with these two words? I feel like I sort of use this blog as a self therapy or maybe just typing the words here makes it slightly better. It won't go away but it is what it is.

It has been a gloomy week full of negative emotions. At first I thought it was just the effects of my period but, after thinking about it, it's not. I still feel this way from time to time despite no period. It comes and goes like a migraine. It can last for an hour or a day or two. Am I a lonely person? No, not yet. I maybe alone a couple of times but being alone does not equate to being lonely on my part, in fact, I sometime feel more lonely when I am with people. Why do I think that? I really have no clue, maybe I don't really belong here. At least that what the feelings tell me. What if I was born in the wrong era? Anyways, I just added a tiny paragraph before I post this delayed post.

[precariouslynonchalant]

2025. 06. 17: Makeshift Chem

"A lesson learned is easier said than done when you're living in a world without the sun."

I've been listening to that song right now. The beat, tempo and the vibes just feels what I've been feeling at times: frustrated and annoyed.

[precariouslynonchalant]

2025. 03. 07: 書く

I wanted to write long post, but it felt like I've got nothing to say but a lot on my mind. I think I'll just say the most random things in this post.

Cold days are gone, it's too hot especially in a tropical country. I love cold days especially when it rains. It's more cozy and warm feeling (ironically).

The truth is I haven't had menstruation since December. I have been irregular for some time but it's usually a month or two. Now, it's been a couple of months already. A lot of things can factor this like overweight or less exercise as well as my diet. Recently, I had to have a diet because some stats of my medical are high - which is why I have to have a diet.

Anyways, that's it for now. I tried to make it longer but that's all I can think of.

[precariouslynonchalant]

2025.02.20: Charcoal in the Valley

Honestly, I still don't know what format I want for this so be prepared as it changes from time to time, Anyways...

Recently I saw the news, another Korean artist died. It's sad. I found out she was a celebrity that I was looking forward for a comeback. The amount of Korean celebrities that die is pretty worrying as the months are not apart. What's going on there?

I read the article, it seems that she has depression. That feeling that you'll have hope that you'll bounce back but if something clicks, it goes downhill after that. I don't know I just felt it after reading. I read another article where the friend said how she was looking forward to open a cafe with friends as well as coming back to acting yet the police said it was..., some told it was depression. It was just sad.

It made me think...that some part of me will take that path. Maybe not now, possibly in an alternate timeline, who knows. Anyways, these are just some random thoughts that spiraled into my notebook.

[precariouslynonchalant]

24. 12. 28 Mentally...

Remember the previous about absorbing negative energy? Well...

A lot of things seems to happen. We've been cleaning for a few days. Negativity is present in those days. People pointing fingers, getting angry or heated. I had some days where I feel like crying. Everything feels so negative, it felt like the negatives weighs more than the positives. I feel like I'll snap or mentally breakdown at any moment. ( did a few times actually.) This feeling reminds me of my thesis.

I remember I was so exhausted that I quietly cried in the UV on my way home or how many times suicide ideation has been running through my mind. Those days where absolutely depressing. I did not want to look back at it but the feeling definitely reminds me of this.

Too late I did, from time to time I'll cry. Quietly of course

I just want to leave the house for just a day to recharge and be alone.

[precariouslynonchalant]

24. 12. 23 Bubble

I was suppose to post like a week ago but it was stuck in drafts. Never to see the light of day.

Feels like these past two days I've been absorbing negative energy. I'll probably add some more info when I feel like it but for now I'll need to cool down.