Summary: AU Canon-divergent. Connor/Evan friendship. Connor gets a little bit of hope.
Notes: So I saw Dear Evan Hansen last week and I fell in love with everything about it. While the canon story was moving and broke my heart, I'm sure like most of you, I was also intrigued by the fake friendship between Evan and Connor and how it might have looked had it been real. This is my take at it and I hope it's good..To all my American readers, Happy Thanksgiving!
“Connor Murphy.”
The call of his name echoed around him and he rose begrudgingly to his feet.
He tried to keep his eyes forward, his jaw tensing as he felt the penetrating state of his classmates watching his every move.
The whispers, the quiet snickering as he passed...his hands twitched at his sides as he tried to keep himself calm and ignore them.
This seemed to be the longest walk of his life. He kept reminding himself it was all almost over.
He stopped in front of the principal and lifted his gaze to the man’s face.
For once in his whole high school career the principal looked at him not with disappointment but instead wore a small, proud smile.
“Congratulations.” He spoke genuinely, sincerely and with one hand he handed Connor a piece of paper that would set him free from at least one prison. With the other, he firmly grasped Connor’s hand.
“Thanks.” Connor muttered and withdrew his hand quickly as he squeezed his diploma tightly in the other.
There was a small about of applause - not the thunderous amount that his other classmates had received, not that Connor cared about any of that. Not that his peers’ attention even mattered.
The applause from the back of the crowd watching from the sides came mostly from his parents and Zoe. However the loudest applause drew his attention straight to it source.
Several rows in, Evan Hansen sat holding his own diploma, a dorky grin on his face as he clapped enthusiastically.
He shrunk only slightly in his seat when he finally realized his surrounding classmates had started to stare at him but continued to clap until the next name was called.
Connor couldn't stop the smile if he wanted to. It was a small smile, the barest hint of one but he ducked his head to his chest to hide it and the rush of heat to his cheeks. Hansen’s was the only opinion who really mattered anyway. It was due to Evan he even made it this far, after all.
He quickly, hurriedly shook the other staff member’s hands - teachers, school board members, whoever the hell they were - and returned to his seat, purposefully ignoring the looks from his classmates.
Instead he focused on finding the back of Evan’s head a few rows up. It was only a sea of blue caps and gowns, no kid distinguishing from the next. Then Evan turned around in his seat and grinned at him, lifting his diploma triumphantly.
The corners of Connor’s mouth twitched up and his hand lifted, his own diploma twitched up in return.
Evan held his gaze for a second longer and then turned back in his seat as the ceremony continued on.
Connor sighed and slunk down his chair. He fiddled absentmindedly with the edges of the paper, his eyes trained on the ground. He just wished the ceremony would be over already so he could finally be out of there.
Finally, after what seemed the never ending roll-call of the senior class, the principal gave one final last speech, announced his final congratulations and the crowd erupted in applause and cheers. His peers jumped to their feet, throwing their caps into the air in celebration.
Connor rolled his eyes, sinking further into his chair as he tried not to be trampled by his excited former classmates, trying to reach and hug each other.
He glared up as a burly jock, Ryan Morris, stepped on his foot in an attempt to climb over him to get to his friends.
Connor drew his long legs up to his chest in the small folding chair and silently observed the mayhem, wondering if he could just slip out without anyone seeing him.
“Nice job, Murphy!” He jumped and nearly growled as a hand clamped down hard on his shoulder.
Jared Kleinman leaned down with a shit eating grin. “Never thought you'd actually do it.”
“Shove off, Kleinman.” Connor hissed, ripping himself out of his grasp as he shot to his feet.
He nearly tore at the ridiculous gown to get it off of him and threw it to his chair.
Jared never really became less irritating, though he was slightly less insulting as Connor grew closer to Evan.
Connor also became less insulting - mostly...to some people.
Jared was an ass and Connor couldn't stand him but for some God forsaken reason, Evan liked him. He begrudgingly accepted Jared’s presence as an annoying condition of Evan’s friendship.
Connor hoped that at least that school was over he wouldn't be around as much. The kid was smart - got into a good school and would be gone come late August. Unlike him, which was... whatever.
No one believed he would actually do it - graduate. No one thought he was good enough.
No one except…
“Here comes your boyfriend.” Jared waggled his brow and motioned over Connor’s shoulder.
Connor glared at him but turned around.
As Evan made his way towards him, awkwardly pushing his way through the crowds of people, Connor felt the negativity slowly start to melt away.
There was something about Evan Hansen that made the edges of darkness fall away from his mind. Despite his friend’s own tormented soul and anxiety ridden thoughts, Evan exuded light and what to Connor was the only joy he had ever known.
Connor’s lips twitched as two boys ran into Evan and Evan stumbled on his feet and started profusely apologizing to the boys who didn't even seem to notice him.
Evan stilled, his brow furrowed, his diploma clutched to his chest as the boys ran off without so much as an acknowledgment to the person they nearly bowled over.
For the briefest of moments Connor felt the sharp stir of rage in his belly. He wasn't sure when it had happened but he had become fiercely protective of Evan. Evan had trouble standing up for himself. Connor had no trouble telling assholoes where they could stick it. He always wondered when people insulting Evan made him angrier than anything anyone could say to him.
Well hell, he knew he was a freak and a loser. He knew everything they said about him was true but Evan...no, Evan was good. Full of pain and hurt and anxiety but good.
Evan shook his head, his face relaxing and the smile returned to his lips as he looked back in Connor’s direction.
The anger slowly melted away and Connor’s face softened as Evan continued to approach him.
When he was a few feet away, Connor held out his hand to stop him and Evan froze, the smile slipping from his face.
Connor smirked at him, reassuring and twitched his head to an empty spot on the field in the opposite direction of the crowd.
“Don’t.” Connor snapped harshly to Jared who moved to follow.
Jared raised an eyebrow, a knowing smirk on his lips. “Like I'd want to join your little orgy on the field anyway.”
Connor ignored the comment, snatched his diploma off the chair, leaving the gown behind as he stalked away from Jared and the crowd.
The crowd which probably contained his parents and Zoe trying to find him and Evan’s mother trying to find him. They could wait and they would as far as he was concerned.
He needed to get away from those people, the suffocating crowd of people who didn’t give a shit, and he knew so did Evan.
He and Evan, the outcasts, the losers...but not to each other.
He heard Evan greet Jared, stuttering as he offered him congratulations. Jared snorted and made another suggestive comment. Connor swore that boy spoke in nothing but sexual innuendos.
Connor walked until he was a good distance away from the crowd.
He stared up at the sky, clear and bright and blue - a perfect summer afternoon.
There was only a gentle breeze to cool the stifling heat. It rustled the hair around his shoulders and he closed his eyes, drowning out the noise of the crowd.
He felt Evan arrive more than heard him. He could always sense when Evan was near - he brought a warmth with him.
“Hey!” Evan’s voice was loud and cheerful behind him. With his back to him, Connor smiled.
“A-are you alright?” Evan asked after a long beat of silence and Connor could hear the tension in his voice.
He finally turned around, meeting Evan’s concerned, hesitant gaze.
He shrugged and lifted his diploma, wagging it in the air lazily. “We are finally free of this hell hole.”
Evan’s face relaxed and he laughed, shortly, nervously. “Y-yeah.”
Connor turned around fully to face him, narrowing his eyes.. “Don’t tell me you actually liked this place…”
“No!” Evan quickly snapped and shook his head fervently. “N-no, I don’t…I didn’t. It was...well...just, no.”
Connor grunted, nodding his head curtly with a small smirk. “Good...didn’t want to think you’d lost your mind all together.”
Evan smiled weakly. “No, I’m glad it's over.” He said quietly, voice full of a mixture of relief and melancholy, and absent-mindedly rubbed at his left wrist and Connor followed the motion. His stomach twisted at the memory of that first day of senior year - and all that had followed.
“Me too.” Connor muttered, his brow furrowing as he stared distantly at Evan’s wrist.
His fingers tightened around the diploma in his hands and the crinkling of the paper pulled him out of any possible destructive path his mind was going to attempt to lead him on. He lifted his head and laughed bitterly. “I mean...can you believe it?” He motioned at the paper in his hands.
Evan tilted his head and gave him a warm, genuine smile. “Yes, I can, actually. I, ah….I’m really proud of you, Connor.”
Connor blinked at him, his chest tightening at the phrase, one that Connor so rarely heard directed towards him. His heart climbed into his throat as a surge of unfamiliar emotion swelled and kept him from speaking.
Even at his silence, which combined with his intense stare usually made people turn and run, like he was a fuse about to blow, Evan only continued to smile at him, his eyes shining with the honest affection that matched his words.
Finally, Connor choked out a cough and broke eye contact as he turned his head. “Right, okay…”
“N-no, I am!” Evan leaned in towards him imploringly and Connor glanced back at him, raising his brow at Evan’s outstretched arms.
“You’re not gonna hug me, are you, Hansen?”
Evan quickly snapped up straight, his arms pressing tight to his sides as a delightful pink flush dusted his cheeks. “W-what? No...no, I’m not gonna…” He laughed nervously. “I wouldn’t, I mean unless you wanted…” He trailed off as Connor continued to stare silently at him and only flushed further at his smirk.
Connor snickered quietly under his breath and turned his head to look forward but shifted his weight that much closer towards Evan.
Evan shifted nervously, fiddling with his gown for a few more silent seconds and then slowly relaxed and settled in to stand beside Connor, following his gaze towards the string of houses in the neighborhood behind the school.
“For what it's worth…” Connor started a few moments later with a light shrug, keeping his eyes forward, “I guess I’m proud of you too.”
He could practically feel Evan beaming beside him and the other boy kicked lightly at the grass. “Thanks. A-and...its worth a lot, by the way. Your opinion, I mean...it...means a lot.”
Connor slowly turned his head, a smart-mouthed comment brewing on his tongue, one that would not only insult himself but somehow also insult Evan, so he held it back. But finding the right thing to say was...difficult, not without either sounding insulting or baring his heart and actually revealing how touched he was that his opinion mattered to someone.
Evan cleared his throat loudly, twisting his hands together and Connor deflated in relief - once again Evan had saved him. This time from saying anything stupid.
“My uh...my mom is going t-to make dinner...for me, y’know to celebrate…” Evan waved his hand in the air, motioning to the field set up for their graduation. “You can come if you want to…”
Evan looked at him with such hopeful eyes that Connor’s heart lurched and he pushed down the warm feeling bubbling up inside - happiness? - no matter how many times Evan invited him anywhere, he still would get that feeling. That good feeling that someone actually wanted him around.
Evan laughed nervously and looked at the ground, shuffling his feet. “I know it's kinda stupid...a-a silly thing, so you don't have to..”
“Evan.” Connor cut him off sharply but made sure to keep his voice soft. Evan looked up hopefully and Connor gave him a small smile.
“I want to. Thanks.”
Evan broke into a grin and nodded quickly and stopped fiddling with the edges of his gown.
“Cool! Cool. So...I will see you later? It will be at my house, heh, obviously but um...you can come around five, I guess?”
Connor nodded. “Sure, see you at five.”
Evan’s eyes suddenly widened. “But I mean...what about… I mean.. are you...doing anything with your family?”
Connor scoffed and shrugged. “I don't know. Doesn't matter...I would rather be with you, anyway.”
Evan continued to stare at him wide eyed but there was a sudden light in his eyes that accompanied a brilliant grin. Connor was always a little bit baffled when Evan smiled at him like that - when he, failure, loser Connor Murphy, could make someone else smile like he actually mattered to them.
So he smiled back, because how could he not?
“Awesome….awesome.” Evan laughed. “Okay...I better go now, I think my Mom is waiting…” He looked over his shoulder back towards the crowd.
Connor nodded silently but as Evan turned to walk away, Connor felt a sudden tightness in his chest, something urging him forward.
“Hey, Hansen!”
Evan stopped and whirled around, brows raising expectantly. “Yeah?”
Without a word, Connor took a big step towards him, grabbed a hold of Evan’s shoulder and then tugged the other boy against him.
Evan stumbled on his feet at the force, grunted as he hit Connor’s chest and then froze against him.
Connor wrapped his arms around him, slow and hesitant at first, then he tightened his hold, clutching Evan to him.
Evan’s hands hesitated at his sides but then he relaxed and slung his arms around Connor, clutching tightly onto the back of his hoodie.
As Connor closed his eyes and ducked his head, his nose brushing Evan’s shoulder, he could feel Evan’s smile against his head.
The hug ended as soon as it began and Connor lifted his head and he found Evan beaming at him.
“W-what was that for?”
Connor shrugged. “I don't know just...whatever. All of this.”
Evan blinked at him silently and Connor sighed, flicking the diploma in his hands up. “For this, mostly.”
Evan furrowed his brow in confusion. “I didn't do that. You earned that all on your own, Connor.”
There was that sudden rush of warmth again and damn it all, if that wasn’t the most confident sentence he had ever heard come out of Evan Hansen’s mouth.
Evan somehow always had complete faith in him, which made Connor sometimes question the state of Evan’s judgement but he was grateful for it all the same. Evan had seen him at his worst, when he came to close to giving up on everything. When anyone else in that position would have taken one look at him and tossed him aside, casting him as a hopeless case - Evan reached out and pulled him through it. Evan helped him when no one else could - when no one else would.
“Yeah,” Connor scoffed and then cleared his throat, shaking off any apparent emotion that was trying to surface, “Maybe. But if it weren’t for you I’d be off getting high somewhere, a high school drop out.” Or dead. He knew the truth of the matter and he knew Evan must have to. If it weren't for Evan and that damn letter, he wouldn't have been here to live this day, or any day.
Connor winced, thinking of how close he had been to becoming that person - well, how he had to try and convince himself every day that he wasn’t that person anymore.
Evan’s face fell into a frown but then softened into a small smile and he reached out, touching Connor’s arm. “But you aren’t. You’re here and you did it. And it's not over, y’know? You’re going to college in the fall.”
Connor scoffed. “Community college.”
“So?” Evan shrugged. “It's still college. And-and I'll be there too so…”
While Jared had been accepted into some fancy technical school, he and Evan were headed straight for Community College. Connor’s only option because of his grades - though his father insisted he could pull some strings elsewhere because God forbid his son go to a community college- and Evan’s because of his anxiety.
He knew he could only make it through the next four years with his sanity in tact if Evan was with him. He only agreed to go to college in the first place because Evan practically begged him to. And for some God Knows reason, he did not want to disappoint Evan Hansen.
His parents liked Evan too, liked his influence on him, and, well at least his mother seemed content with his decision. It was, after all, better than not going at all.
Evan had decided to venture into the field of Environmental Science, due to his passion for nature. Evan had a passion, at least. Connor painfully reminded him as Evan was in the process of trying to convince him to go, that he did not have any passions, and barely saw ahead to the next day how could he think about his damn future in college?
Evan had spent hours with him researching all the majors offered at their local college, bouncing off ideas to the not so receptive Connor. Eventually Connor agreed to go, only enrolling in the liberal arts program to get his parents, and Evan to some extent though Evan wasn’t quite as annoying because he wasn’t demeaning, off his back.
That made him wonder how much time he’d actually be spending with Evan, even though they had agreed to share rides together, and how much time he’d therefore be spending on his own left to his own destructive behaviors.
“Yeah.” He nudged Evan’s shoulder with his own and gave him a tiny smirk. Then he shrugged and pulled at the drawstrings of his hoodie. “I just don’t know if it will be any different than here.”
Evan opened his mouth to reply and then hesitated, his own uncertainty on his face. He swallowed and nodded in understanding. “It has to be.” He finally said quietly and a tiny look of determination crossed his face. “It’s a new start, right? For both of us.”
“If you say so, Hansen.”
Evan nodded again. “It has to be.” He repeated firmly and Connor wished he could have his optimism.
They fell into a small silence after that, each contemplating what the future would hold for them.
“Evan…?”
Evan frowned at the sudden change in tone of Connor’s voice and he peered over his shoulder to where Connor looked off in the distance.
Waiting for them was the Murphy’s and a few feet from them, Heidi Hansen, beside her, Jared Kleinman with what must have been his parents.
“Is Kleinman coming to this dinner thing?”
Connor slowly looked back at Evan, only to find him smiling sheepishly. “H-he’s a family friend...my-my mom asked him.”
Connor groaned and tossed his head back, closing his eyes tight. “Hansen.”
“A-and he’s my friend too! S-sorry, I know you don’t like him…” Evan trailed off and looked down, his fingers twisting at the edges of his gown. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want…”
Connor sighed and reopened his eyes, moving back to look at Evan and he cursed at himself for putting that look on his face.
He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “I’ll come.” He said gruffly.
Evan lifted his head slowly, the corners of his lips twitching into a smile.
“You just gotta tell Kleinman not to be an asshole.”
“O-okay…” Evan nodded and his mouth twitched again. “But...you also can’t be an asshole.”
Connor laughed, loud and free, his arms falling to his sides. He caught sight of Evan’s pleased dorky grin and snorted. If Evan wasn’t the only single person on the planet to know him so well, or at all.
He reached out and placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder.
“If you can get Kleinman to not shoot off his mouth than neither will I.”
Evan’s eyes widened slightly at the thought of achieving what seemed to be an impossible task and then they both shared a laugh.
“This is going to be a disaster.” Evan muttered.
“Probably.” Connor agreed with a smirk.
Evan tried to smile but his face twisted in up in a grimace. His shoulders tensed under Connor’s hand and he started to laugh, high pitched and nervous as he once again fiddled with the edges of his gown.
“Hey…” Connor squeezed his shoulder. “It's alright. I swear I won't start anything.”
His voice was sincere but there was a smirk in his lips and a hint of mischief in his eyes that didn't really seem to reassure Evan.
The longer he stared at Connor though the more he seemed to relax. He relaxed under Connor’s hold and smiled, ducking his head as he grabbed a tight hold of the material of his gown for a second and then released it.
“Okay. Thanks.” Evan mumbled, his voice soft and Connor smiled at the sound.
“I-I'll talk to Jared.” Evan said, lifting his head. “I-I mean Jared is Jared so…” He shrugged.
Connor raised an eyebrow. “Your mom will be there? He's not so….himself in front of her.”
Evan nodded quickly and relaxed a little more at that reassuring thought. Heidi often left the boys to their own devices when they would hang out at the Hansen house but if they would stay for dinner, Jared suddenly became an angel. Or as much of an angel as Jared could be. Which then effectively cooled any brewing tensions between Connor and Jared.
“Well...you better go. It looks like your mom is waiting for you.”
Connor nodded past Evan’s shoulder and Evan turned around.
Heidi seemed to be in conversation with Mrs. Kleinman but kept glancing back towards them.
As she caught his gaze across the field, Heidi lifted in her hand in a wave and Evan smiled and waved back.
“So is yours.” Evan noted, looking over to where Cynthia stood, visibly a few feet in front of Larry and Zoe.
Her face lit in a smile and she waved also as she caught Evan’s eye.
Connor rolled his eyes, hiding a small smirk as Evan waved enthusiastically.
Connor lifted his hand and gave his own half-hearted wave, which at least seemed to satisfy his mother.
“She is proud of you,” Evan said quietly, “They all are.”
Connor turned to him, raising his brow. “I barely graduated. Meanwhile Zoe is already top in her class. Yeah I'm sure they are just thrilled with their stoner, failure son.”
Evan frowned at him so suddenly, so seriously that he was a little taken aback.
“Y-you're not Zoe and you're not a failure. You’re you and…”
“That's enough?” Connor finished sardonically, scoffing a bitter laugh.
“Yes.” Evan said shortly. “You should be proud of yourself too, y’know? And I know you care what they think, even though you say you don't…”
Connor crossed his arms and scowled. “I don't.” He insisted but his own voice betrayed him and damn him, Evan knew it.
“Okay. I'm just saying...they are here aren't they? Waiting for you?”
“You're here, Ev. They are over there.”
Evan gave him a look that melted the scowl and replaced the smirk on his lips.
“Y-you known what I mean, Connor.”
Connor shrugged and sniffed offhandedly. “Yeah well...they probably just want to get home or whatever.”
Evan pressed his lips together and kept silent, seeing he was getting nowhere with this.
They both glanced over to the group of their parents.
Jared grinned at them from behind his parents and Heidi and made a vague sexual gesture.
Connor sighed and dropped his head while Evan smiled apologetically but the sudden tension had suddenly and effectively been broken.
“I, ah, better go…” Evan waved his hand in the direction of his mother.
“Yeah, go.” Connor nodded, his features softening as Evan gave him a gentle, warm smile. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah, see ya.” Evan’s arms twitched at his sides and for a moment Connor thought he was going to hug him again but he only waved. “See ya.” He repeated more quietly with a lingering smile and then finally turned around and headed across the field toward his mother.
He watched as Evan finally reached his mother and Heidi enveloped him in a big hug and even at their distance, he could see the proud, genuine smile on her face.
Connor ignored the cold stab of envy that pierced his heart and instead looked toward his own mother. Once she caught his gaze, she waved him over encouragingly, a similar smile on her face.
Zoe stepped into view beside their mother and lifted her hands in question - what the hell are you still doing over there?
He thought he had done irreparable damage to his relationship with his sister, but as he drew closer to Evan, and stopped relying on getting high so often, and as his anger began to dissipate, things had started to heal between them.
He glanced once more over to Evan. Heidi now had an arm slung affectionately around his shoulders and Evan wore a smile bright as the sun as he talked and laughed with Jared.
Evan’s eyes drifted back towards him and he froze momentarily, his smile widening even further as their eyes met.
Evan gave a subtle nod towards Cynthia, Larry and Zoe and then his attention was drawn to Jared who must have cracked another joke that had all of them laughing.
He could hear Evan’s laughter, carried on the wind to where he stood.
Connor closed his eyes and inhaled, slow and deep. His fingers curled around the diploma in his hands and he opened his eyes to look down at it.
His name was written in black and gold letters, along with the name of the school and the year.
It was a shit piece of paper that really should have meant nothing...but somehow, it didn’t.
The corners of his lips twitched up and he lifted his head, looking ahead to his family.
He thought about what Evan had said - a new start - for both of them. Somehow he had a hard time believing he had any kind of opportunity to start over - that his life would just be a miserable, endless loop of being stuck in rut of depression and failure.
Yet, if Evan said it, if Evan believed it, maybe he could too. Or at the very least, try to believe it.
He sighed and took a step forward, deciding to leave the miserable years behind him. He had a whole new chapter of his life to start, and he had a friend to go along for the messy ride.
For once in his entire life he saw something other than the chains of the past or the darkness of the present. He saw a glimpse of light...he could think ahead to a future where maybe - just maybe- everything would be alright.
Summary: AU Canon-divergent. Another disastrous holiday and two lonely boys who find each other.
Notes: A belated Thanksgiving themed story.
OR READ ON A03
Connor flopped onto his bed so hard it made the bed frame shake and hit the wall with a loud thud. He waited a second and then forcefully reached up to shove at the head and as it hit the wall, it made another loud thud and scraped a bit of paint off the wall.
He rolled on his side seething, shaking with the force of the rage building inside of him.
He replayed the scene that had happened just a minute ago over and over in his head like a bad movie he couldn’t turn off.
A fancy, bountiful meal his mother had worked literal days on. The dining room table set with the Good China and surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins who only bothered to show up once a year.
It wasn't really his fault - he had promised his pleading mother he would behave and he did or he tried to. He had kept quiet at the far end of the table, constantly keeping his eyes on his plate hoping to just be ignored.
Then Uncle Ben, his father's brother of course, had to be the one to attempt conversation with him. To ask him about school: “fine” and plans for college. He had none and everyone knew it. Connor had a retort ready about how college was a waste of time and money when his cousin, Perfect Boy - almost definitely receiving a full ride to one of the top schools in the nation - Joe made an offhand comment about how he'd just be majoring in drug use.
It had only escalated from there, ending with the horrified faces of his aunts and uncles, disappointment scrawled on the faces of his mother and Zoe, and a screaming match between him and Larry that the neighbors surely had heard.
He was out of his seat before he could really hear Larry's demand for him to leave.
He grabbed his pillow and shoved it over his head tightly. It wasn't long before the heat and lack of air started to suffocate him. He debated keeping it on but realized it wouldn't work. Instead he tossed his pillow across the room, it hit the desk and knocked several items to the floor in a clammer.
Now hot, sweaty and irritated he stalked over to the window and threw it open.
He let out a small gasp as a rush of cold air hit his dampened skin.
He closed his eyes, his fists curled at his sides, his breathing sharp and shallow as he took in the fresh air.
After a minute, and still feeling stifled in the ridiculous sweater his mom made him wear, he tore it off and threw it to the floor.
He was now only in an undershirt and the cold, brisk air felt good against his skin.
He glanced down, frowning at the various red marks on his arms. He tightened his hands into fists, his fingernails digging into his palm.
He growled under his breath and searched his messy room until he found his desired hoodie.
He roughly pulled it over his head and stalked back to the window. He had no interest in remaining in that house and knew he had to get out. The only question was his destination.
He knew where he wanted to go, where his first thought always was to go after an incident like this. A far corner of the park where boys like him went and got so high they almost forgot they weren't wanted by the families.
His body itched, ached, screamed for it - because it had been a surprisingly long time - and he had almost made up his mind when he spotted his phone sitting on his desk.
He stared at it a long while and then walked over to grab it.
He opened his contacts, his finger hovering over the one name that might have just been as miserable as he was.
He remembered the conversation he had had with a few of his classmates the day before school let out for break.
Alana had come over to ask everyone about their thanksgiving plans, after giving great detail about her own plans. Jared said it was only his parents and grandparents. Connor had rolled his eyes and grumbled about seeing his extended family and then all eyes had fallen on Evan.
He shifted nervously and explained that his mother usually had to work on thanksgiving and that he would be alone. Alana expressed her sympathies, Jared cracked a joke about what he could do on his own but gave his friend a slightly sympathetic look behind it, and Connor, though he wished he could have been alone, had started to see that Evan became uncomfortable in social situations, and probably wouldn't have enjoyed a huge thanksgiving meal a la the Murphy's, but the constant lack of his mother’s presence sat heavy on him.
Evan brushed it off with a shrug, saying it was no problem. Connor told him he would have invited him over to their dinner but didn't want to expose Evan to that kind of disaster. Evan had glanced at him kindly, sadly and thanked him for the thought anyway.
Remembering that look on Evan's face he finally decided and opened a text.
To: Evan
Is your mom still at work?
He sent the text and turned around to sit at the edge of his desk.
His fingers drummed impatiently against the wood but really it was only a minute before his phone vibrated and lit up with a new message.
From: Evan
Yes
Then, a few seconds later:
From: Evan
WHY?
SORRY
Why?
Evan, in his haste, often fat-fingered the keyboard and sent him capitalized text messages. Evan always followed it up with an apology and a correction but Connor found it amusing, almost endearing. It was an Evan Hansen quirk, one of his many, one that Evan probably berated himself for, but all together just made Evan, Evan.
To: Evan
I'm coming over
He didn't wait for Evan’s response and slipped the phone into his pocket. He knew Evan was alone and if he didn't go to Evan he would go elsewhere.
He pulled his hood over his head and slowly pulled open his door.
He could ear the muted sounds of his family attempting to reconcile their family dinner and scoffed. Continue on as if everything normal, as if Connor didn't even exist, which was par for the course really.
He continued to quietly sneak down the hall. Despite being tall, he was also thin and surprisingly stealthy and he had become an expert in slipping out right under his parents’ noses. He even had the added advantage of having the extra family over to provide distraction.
He only held his breath for a moment as he passed the dining room. He thought he might have seen Zoe catch his eye as he darted past. It was day to day whether Zoe cared enough to rat him out but after a few more steps and no disturbance from the room, if she did see him, she didn't say anything.
He was about to head straight for the door when he caught sight of something on the kitchen counter.
He smirked to himself as he slunk into the kitchen, grabbed it, stuffed it under his hoodie and then continued towards the door.
The front door was far enough from the dining room that they probably wouldn't have heard him anyway but Uncle Ben had just cracked a joke that had his aunt, cousin and Father laughing hysterically, allowing him to slip out the door completely undetected.
He felt a light vibration in his pocket and knew Evan had finally responded to him. He ignored it and instead started off towards his house.
The sun had been setting when he left and it was nearly dark by the time he reached Evan’s.
With nearly frozen fingers he knocked on the door. He barely had to knock twice before the door swung open.
The two boys stared at one another, Evan with slightly wide, inquisitive eyes.
Connor inched his way towards the open door, already feeling the heat from within. “You gonna let me in or just let me freeze to death?”
“Oh! Yeah, s-sorry…” he stepped aside and Connor stepped in through the door, nearly sighing in relief. He usually didn't mind the cold, prefered it actually but the temperature really had dropped as the sun disappeared and the cold bit at any exposed skin.
He looked around the small entrance hallway, completely dim, with only a light in one of the far rooms.
He lowered his hood and turned to Evan who had now closed the door. “See much, Hansen?”
Evan blinked at him. “W-what?”
“It's fucking dark ,dude.”
“Oh.” Evan looked around, seemingly noticing it for the first time and then shrugged. “Well it's just me so...I don't need the lights I guess.”
Connor preferred the darkness himself so he only nodded. Then he headed straight for the source of light and heard Evan following behind him.
It turned out to be the living room where Evan had set himself up for the evening. The tv was on low playing some nature documentary, his laptop and phone were on the table, beside what looked like a barely touched frozen pizza and a blanket tossed haphazardly across the couch cushions, where Evan had obviously made himself comfortable for the night.
Wordlessly, Connor entered the room and took immediately to the couch and plopped himself down onto it.
He looked up to find Evan in the doorway, watching him curiously, fiddling nervously with the hem of his shirt. Another Evan Hansen quirk.
“So, uh...what...what, uh happened? I mean… why are you here? Not that I don't want you…”
“My family fucking sucks, that's what happened.” Connor snapped, cutting off his rambling. “But no surprises there, right?”
Evan frowned and walked further into the room and then finally took a seat beside him on the couch.
“They didn't want me there and I didn't want to be there so…” Connor shrugged and then threw his arm over the armrest. “Here I am.”
Evan stared at him and then pressed his lips together. “S-sorry…”
Connor lifted his brow. “You've got nothing to be sorry for.”
His hands twitched on his lap. “No, I know, but thanksgiving is you know, a time for family or whatever so I'm just...sorry…”
Connor huffed. “Well fuck thanksgiving and fuck family. It's a stupid holiday anyway.”
Evan nodded slowly and glanced down at his hands. “Yeah...yeah it is.” He said quietly.
The pitiful loneliness in his voice almost wish he had invited Evan over or better yet, ditched his family hours ago to hang out here instead.
“I can see you really got into the holiday spirit too.” Connor motioned towards the pizza on the table. “Nothing like that good ol’ thanksgiving holiday frozen pizza.”
That finally got the intended results and a small smile tugged at Evans lips. “Yeah, well I can't make a turkey and Mom doesn't have time so…” He flapped his hand in the direction of the pizza.
“Turkey is lame.” Connor said and reached for a slice of the pizza, only then remembering the package he had slipped under his hoodie.
“Hey, I brought us something…” He removed the bottle from under his hoodie and placed it on the table.
Evan’s eyes widened as he leaned in toward it. “Is that….wine?”
With a smug smirk, Connor snatched a slice of pizza and relaxed back on the couch. “Yep, snatched it before I left. My aunt brought it over...it's imported from Italy or some shit. Really expensive and really pretentious.”
Evan eyed it warily, as if he had never seen a bottle of wine before in his life. He glanced up to Connor and flushed as Connor stared at him with an amused smirk.
“I, ah, never have had wine before.” Evan admitted a little shyly and Connor snorted past a mouthful of food. He swallowed, then said, “No shit, Hansen.” He grinned, the first real smile all week.
“You're about as clean as they come.” Evan’s brow shot up and they both suddenly remembered a dark night, just a few weeks ago, where Connor had a moment of weakness and so did Evan and they both confessed their little secrets - Evan had not fallen from the tree and the attempt on his life after the letter incident had not been Connor's first.
That night in fact had been a turning point in their friendship where they were not only just barely friendly but found an understanding and kinship with one another. Neither had ever opened up to someone that way before, because no one else would get it, but they held each other as they cried out their frustrations and desperations and feelings of utter failure and loneliness and hopelessness.
They didn't really speak about what had happened after that but they did become nearly inseparable, much to the confusion of everyone around them, Zoe and Jared in particular.
Connor quickly clarified, “Substance abuse wise.”
Evan’s brow furrowed and he straightened up almost defensively. “I mean...I’ve had alcohol. Jared had some, I don't...I don't remember what he said it was but, he made me try it...and it was...uh, cool?”
Connor sniggered quietly at the way Evan’s nose scrunched up. “You don't have to pretend to like alcohol. If you don't like it, you don't like it…” He shrugged and took another bite of pizza.
Evan’s shoulders relaxed. “It was pretty gross.” He admitted with a small smile and Connor smirked at him.
“It's not my drug of choice either but I figured why the hell not. Especially if it will piss off Larry. Wine is okay, especially the fancy stuff, you might like it.”
Evan glanced back at the bottle, his eyes narrowing as he scrutinized it, then coming to realize that it was only written in Italian.
“O-okay, I'll try it.”
Connor grinned and reached over and slapped Evan gently on the knee. “That's the spirit.”
Evan jumped, tensing momentarily at the sudden contact but then gave a shaky smile.
Connor shoved the rest of the pizza into his mouth and then hopped to his feet.
“Do you know where your mom hides the bottle opener?” Connor asked after he swallowed and started to head off towards the kitchen.
Evan followed him with his eyes and pointed towards the kitchen. “Yeah, it's uh.. in the drawer on the left, near the fridge.”
Connor froze and turned slowly around, his eyebrow twitching up. “In an open drawer near the fridge?”
Evan nodded and smiled a little sheepishly, understanding Connor’s look. “She uh, knows I don't drink so she doesn't have to hide it from me.”
“Jesus.” Connor ran a hand through his hair. “To live in your house Hansen…” He muttered and then disappeared around the corner, heading towards the kitchen.
He found the bottle opener exactly where Evan said it would be along with several bottles of wine and various other alcohols sitting freely atop the counter.
Connor scoffed and shook his head. The urge to snatch one was strong but he resisted - Evan was his friend and Heidi seemed to at least tolerate him - he couldn’t piss off the one family that might actually like him. He ignored the bottles and rifled through the cabinets until he found two glasses and then returned to Evan.
He returned to find Evan once again staring at the wine bottle, nervously running his hands together, his leg bouncing up and down.
“What's wrong?”
Evan helped and jumped, clearly not hearing his return. His hands flew apart and pressed down against the couch, his leg still bouncing as Connor approached with an inquisitive look.
“N-nothing!” Evan protested.
Connor gave him a skeptical look as he once again sat beside him on the couch. “You don't have to do this you know, it was just an idea…”
Evan’s eyes widened and he shook his head fervently, now running his hands against his thighs. “N-no, I want to! It's fine!” His voice squeaked and Connor stared, unconvinced. Evan shot him a further still unconvincing smile smile but started nodding fervently. “It's fine, it's fine.”
“Alright…” Connor set the two glasses down and then grabbed a hold of the bottle.
Evan jumped again as the cork popped but smiled as Connor glanced over to him. It was still not quite genuine but Connor could see the hint of excitement in his eyes.
Connor smirked to himself and grabbed one glass, filled it about halfway and handed it to Evan.
Evan accepted it and sniffed at it curiously while Connor poured his own glass.
His nose twitched at the aroma and Connor watched, enthralled and amused as Evan eased the glass to his lips and took a sip.
Evan coughed a little as the alcohol went down his throat and he stared at the wine glass, contemplating as he licked his lips.
“It's not too bad.” He decided, turning to Connor with a smile a moment later. “P-pretty good actually.”
Connor smirked. “Well how about that...we found Evan’s poison.”
He extended his own glass out towards Evan and Evan stared at it a moment before smiling again and reached up to clink against his.
“To expensive stolen wine, new vices and fucking thanksgiving.”
Connor then took a large sip of his own drink and settled back down against the couch.
Evan took another sip, a little more greedily but not quite as large as Connor’s and slowly relaxed back himself.
Connor could feel Evan’s eyes on him as he drank and finally lowered the glass down, narrowing his eyes slightly.
Evan caught his gaze and quickly looked down at his own glass and started to twist it gently between his hands.
His thumb traces circles along the glass and he looks into the swirling red liquid as Connor went for another slice of pizza.
“Connor...do you, uh, want to...talk about what happened?”
Connor froze, his hand on the crust of the pizza and a dark look crossed his features as he turned to Evan. “Why the hell would I want to do that?”
Evan shrunk into himself and Connor cursed himself for snapping at him but really, did he really have to bring it up?
“I-I don't know. Sorry, I just thought...well, my therapist says it helps to talk about it and... sorry I know that's stupid.”
Connor stared at him silently and Evan began to shift uncomfortably in his seat. He took another sip of wine and laughed, bitterly, and shook his head. “Sorry…”
Connor sighed and grabbed another slice of pizza before leaning back. “It's fine, Ev, I just don't want to talk about it.”
Evan looked up, his fingers tapping nervously against his glass and then slowly relaxed as he nodded. “O-okay, yeah, I get it.”
Connor continued to watch him quietly, slowly taking another bite of pizza. Evan shifted again under his intense stare but smiled softly.
Swallowing the cold pizza suddenly became hard against the sudden lump in his throat and Connor frowned.
He shifted his gaze ahead of him, staring at the wine bottle. The expensive wine bottle that seemed to mock him just by it's presence as a representation of everything everyone expected him to be, and everything he was not.
“My cousin is in asshole.” He said suddenly, sharply and Evan looked over to him, silent but listening.
He laughed bitterly. “I mean my whole family are assholes but he's an exceptionally large one. He spent the whole dinner bragging about himself, his beautiful girl, his fantastic grades, he's Fifth In His Class You Know,” he said with an exaggerated snooty accent that was so unexpected Evan snorted into his wine glass and despite himself, Connor had to smirk at his reaction.
It soon faded and he waited for Evan to compose himself before continuing with a sigh.
“He has the opportunity to go to any damn prestigious school he wants and everyone loves him and is so proud of him and you know whatever, it's fine, I'm used to his arrogance but then it came to me. And he basically said I would be nothing but a no good stoner for the rest of my life and, he's not wrong but…”
“Yes he is.” Evan’s voice was so quiet he barely heard it over his own slowly burning rage and self hatred but Evan’s voice did cut through like warm fire and he stopped and turned to him.
Evan stared at him seriously, inching closer.
“He is wrong, Connor. You’re-you’re not...that's not all..." Evan paused, pressing his lips together, finding frustration in searching for his words, “You are so much more than that.”
“Oh, really,” Connor scoffed, his face screwing up in self-loathing, “what am I?”
Evan suddenly grew nervous, using one hand to fiddle with the ends of his shirt. “You're smart.” He said and Connor laughed out loud, only quieting at Evan’s serious frown. “I know you are, Connor. We-we may have really only known each other for a few months but
...we’ve been going to school together for...for years and I've seen you and you know things! Like, uh,...like remember just last week in the library, you knew the answer to a math question that even Jared couldn't get.”
Connor’s brow furrowed and he frowned but said nothing. He did remember that and thought nothing of it. Well he thought Jared was an idiot but math had always come easy to him - he only failed classes because he didn’t do any of the work.
“And I know you care...about things and people, even though you don't like to show it. I mean...you’re the only one who seems to give a crap about me. And I've seen your, uh...doodles on your work at school and you’re very talented and...well...they’re stupid, okay? Your family I mean! They're just stupid and wrong about you and I think you're great so…” Evan finally trailed off and looked down and he rubbed his hands against his jeans.
Connor stared at him, his heart thudding painfully against his chest. That had to be one of the nicest things anyone had said to or about him in years.
I think you’re great.
Connor took a deep breath. Connor wasn't good with compliments. Giving or receiving. So he wasn't sure what the hell to do with that.
“I'm not drunk enough for this shit.” He muttered as he reached for the bottle and poured himself another glass. He nearly downed the whole thing and then let out a breath as the alcohol burned pleasantly through his body. “Look can we...not do this?” He inclined his head toward Evan but didn’t dare look at him.
Evan looked up, eyes wide and nodded quickly. “Yeah, yeah sure of course. I’m sorry... I just…I just wanted to...”
“I know what you were trying to do...and….thanks but...I can’t.”
“O-okay, we’ll just drop it.”
“Thanks.”
Evan nodded, watching Connor carefully. Connor sighed and pulled his knees up to his chest. It was a little awkward on Evan’s smaller sized couch but he was thin enough to manage to stay comfortable.
He could feel Evan’s eyes on him and his jaw tensed but he kept his eyes ahead of him, trying not to focus on Evan but on the television.
He stared blankly at the screen, his mind drifting.
Connor furrorwed his brow as he finally focused on what was on screen - a camera panned almost dramatically across a large forest. “What the hell are you watching, Hansen?”
Evan ducked his head but smiled abashedly, his face lighting up. “It's called uh, Call of the Forest and it's all about the forests all across the Northern Hemisphere and how they are preserved and how old they are, they are ancient you know?, and how, uh, basically trees and forests are the key to reversing climate change and are ...what?”
Connor knew he was smirking at him but he couldn't stop it if he wanted to. The wine was just starting to kick in and Evan was almost a different person when he was talking about trees - almost relaxed and carefree. Connor wished he was that passionate about something.
Connor snorted a laugh, shaking his head. “You are such a dork, Ev.”
Evan froze and Connor thought maybe he had gone too far - he tried not to insult Evan - and he didn't mean to come off insulting. It wasn't an insult, not in his mind. He didn't give a shit about trees and he’d rather do literally almost anything other than watch a documentary on them but he somehow didn’t mind watching Evan talking about it.
Then Evan flushed, looked down and rubbed at his jeans. “Yeah, I know…”
“Relax.” He leaned over and gave Evan a playful, gentle shove on the arm and Evan winced for a second before laughing nervously and Connor realized telling Evan to relax was like telling the sun not to set. “It’s fine - you’ve got an interest, maybe it is weird as all hell but its an interest. Though no offense dude, its not mine so…” He looked pointedly at the television.
Evan looked up and nodded quickly. “We can change it...its fine...I, uh...don’t know…” He furrowed his brow and inched his way towards the edge of the couch, searching frantically on the table for the remote.
He finally found it buried underneath some napkins and presented it to Connor with a nervous smile like it was some sort of priceless jewel.
“Thanks…” Connor drawled, smirking as he slowly reached over to take it from him.
He flicked through a couple of channels as Evan scooted back against the couch, cradling his glass of wine between his hands, his eyes intently focused on the quickly changing channels.
Eventually Connor let out a frustrated sigh at finding nothing good to watch and he glared heavily at the football game playing on the screen.
“You like sports?” He asked Evan and Evan shook his head.
“N-no...not really.”
“Me neither.” His eyes narrowed at the screen and they sat in silence for a few long moments.
Finally, Connor turned to Evan.
“You've got video games or something?”
---
Fifteen minutes later, Connor was squatting on the couch cushion, propped up on the balls of his feet, with Evan on the floor, both fully invested in the one game Evan had managed to find.
Evan didn't really have too many video games, it was mostly Jared who liked to play them and who brought them over and forced Evan to play them. He usually left with them but had left behind Mario Kart on his last visit.
“Ah, shit, what the hell Hansen…” Connor growled as Evan overtook him and Evan grinned, his lips pursed, his brow furrowed in concentration. The wine and the fun of the game had started to relax him.
Connor shifted his weight to his toes, leaning forward as he focused on catching up to Evan. He remained just on Evan’s trail but Evan ended up finishing the race.
Connor sighed dramatically, falling back onto the couch while Evan grinned triumphantly, shooting Connor a look over his shoulder.
“How the hell are you this good?” Connor asked, leaning in toward Evan. “I thought you didn't play.”
Evan shrugged, still smiling. “I play. Well, I play this one. Jared left it here months ago and never asked for it back. I only play when I'm really bored and I'm home by myself a lot so I get really bored a lot…”
Connor narrowed his eyes. “Fine.” He snatched up the controller. “Best two out of three?”
Evan nodded, returning confidently to the screen. Connor scooted to the edge of the couch and they were off again.
Rounds later, Connor had won a few but Evan remained reigning champion and Connor threw his controlled down in defeat “Fine, I give up! Tree Boy wins the game.”
Evan smiled as Connor glared pathetically. “Don't be a sore loser.”
Connor’s brow lifted at Evan’s sudden boldness. Evan only continued to grin at him, place the controller down and twisted around to face him.
“You're the sore loser.” Connor muttered back, crossing his arms and hid a smirk as Evan chuckled.
“I didn't lose.”
Connor tossed a pillow, hitting Evan in the shoulder. “Shut up.”
Evan grabbed the pillow and tucked it under his arms and to his chest, still smiling to himself.
“You want a rematch?”
“And have you kick my ass again? No thanks. Let's just turn on the tv or something.”
Evan nodded and grabbed the remote off the table before he crawled back up onto the couch, settling himself back in his corner.
Evan turned off the game and turned on Netflix and after a little bit of arguing - well suggestions made from Evan and Connor groaning at nearly every one and Evan visibly wincing at some of Connor’s suggestions- they finally decided on some comedy movie that neither of them had seen.
Before the movie started, Connor had gone rummaging throughout kitchen to look for more food and came back with a bowl of popcorn.
They settled back onto the couch, a blanket spread across their laps with the popcorn bowl between them.
Both had long since relaxed, the video game and the consumption of wine releasing most of the pent up tension, especially in Connor. The wine even seemed to help Evan relax a little bit more than usual.
So as the movie started, they both relaxed into the couch and got lost in the script and the comedy. Connor was laughing for the first time in...he couldn't even remember when he had had a real laugh.
At some point in the movie, Connor could feel Evans eyes practically burning a hole in his head. When he glanced his way he found Evan’s cheeks slightly flushed from the alcohol, and a happy, little relaxed smile on his lips. Connor raised an eyebrow at him and shifted in his seat, pulling his knee up to his chest under the blanket.
“What?” he nearly snapped.
“I’m really glad you’re here, Connor.”
Both eyebrows shot into his hairline and Evan only continued to smile at him, a little more shyly.
“And... I-I have to say, even if it's stupid, which, it is, of course, because it's me...but... it's thanksgiving and my mom always said to...to try and think of something you’re thankful for and I really never could because,” He shrugged, “What do I have to be thankful for?”
Connor’s stomach dropped at the painful reminder of how alike he and Evan were in that way and he frowned and pulled his leg closer to his body.
“But uh...I do now, I think because I’m thankful that you’re here so...yeah.”
Connor stared at him silently and Evan quickly shot his gaze down to his lap, tapping his legs nervously, slowly starting to shake his head.
“Damn Hansen….” Connor croaked out a few seconds later and Evan looked up slowly. “How much did you drink?”
Evan flushed pink and laughed a little. “I didn’t...not that much…” He glanced at his nearly empty glass of wine which he had in fact abandoned after their video game match. “I mean it though, Connor. I was going to be alone, again, and then you showed up and I’ve had a lot of fun. More fun than I’ve had in ages so...thank you...for coming over.”
Looking at Evan, seeing the light in his eyes, Connor could see that he did mean it. Deep down, Connor always thought maybe Evan was afraid of him, felt pressured to hang out with him when he didn’t really want to. In reality, Evan was the only one who seemed to truly like him, to genuinely want to be with him for no other reason than friendship.
“Thanks for letting me in.” Connor said with a half shrug, trying not to let on how much it actually meant that someone wanted him to stay instead of always kicking him out or at the very least making it clear he was not wanted.
Connor wasn't good with emotions. Except anger, that one he excelled at. No, it was the good emotions, the emotions that put a weird warm tingle in his belly that he didn't know what the hell to do with.
He actually was grateful he had somewhere to go that wasn’t a cold park, where he would be free from judgement and could actually just be himself. No it was more than that, it was a relief. A near overwhelming relief once he thought about it. As if one ton of the two ton weight he constantly carried on his shoulders had been lifted.
After a few moments of silence, desperate to break the sudden moment of vulnerability, he reached into the bowl between them, grabbed a piece of popcorn and flicked it at Evan’s forehead.
Evan jumped and blinked quickly while Connor grinned and hid a laugh against his knee. He lifted his head a second later, “No more of that emotional shit, alright?”
Evan’s face softened and he laughed. “Alright.” He agreed and seemed to debate with himself for a moment. Then he also picked up a piece of popcorn and tossed it at Connor, which landed in his hair.
Connor’s eyes narrowed playfully as he picked the popcorn out of his hair and stared Evan down as he popped it into his mouth.
Evan snickered quietly, his lips pressed together tightly. He then laughed aloud, shielding himself with the pillow as Connor reached into the bowl to grab a handful and threw it at him.
Evan peeked out hesitantly from above the pillow and the sight made Connor laugh aloud. Unable to resist, he grinned mischievously and threw yet another handful at Evan.
After a few more rounds of popcorn throwing, mostly from Connor as Evan hid strategically behind the pillow that sent most of the popcorn to the floor, they finally settled back to rewatch the movie.
Evan mumbled something about having to rewind because they had missed so much of the movie and Connor blamed Evan for it with a smirk, whilst getting one more popcorn throw in.
Once the movie had resumed playing, they both retreated to their separate corners of the couch to quietly continue the movie.
Connor had slumped against the armrest, using his arm as a pillow while his long legs propped up on the table. Across from him, Evan had curled his legs up beside him, still cuddling the pillow to his chest as he rested his head back against the couch.
It was the sudden slam of a car door a little while later that finally broke the tranquil peace the movie had put them into.
“Mom’s home.” Evan muttered in acknowledgement, drowsy from the last remnants of the alcohol in his system and Connor grunted quietly.
Then his eyes widened and he quickly shot up as Connor lazily lifted his head, his brow furrowing.
“Oh shit, my mom’s home.” Evan squeaked and Connor sat up as panic quickly spread over the other boy’s face. His whole body tensed and his breathing started to become quick and labored as his eyes zeroed in on the wine bottle on the table.
Connor reached over and placed his hand on Evan’s knee. “Hey, Ev, it's okay...I got this.” He moved quickly and snatched the bottle of wine off the table, shoved the cork back in the top, and shoved it between his legs and recovered his lap with the blanket.
Evan let out another short wheeze of panic and Connor finished the job by grabbing the two glasses and shoving them to the floor beside the couch, out of any immediate site.
He turned back to Evan who only seemed to grow worse and now trembled in his seat.
“Shit...Ev, hey, look at me.” Connor leaned in towards him, trying to catch his attention and Evan looked to him, wide-eyed. “Breathe, Evan, come on...the wine’s gone, she won’t know.”
Evan looked around quickly, surveying the scene of the living room before him, filled with half eaten pizzas and bits of popcorn but no clear evidence of any alcohol.
He took in a shaky deep breath, held it for a few seconds and then let it out slowly.
He jumped again, shooting back against the couch, trying to appear relaxed and casual as the keys jangled in the door and pushed open a few seconds later.
“Evan, honey?” Heidi Hansen’s voice called into the house
“In here.” Evan called out, his voice still shaky and he cleared his throat, shaking his head. Connor pushed himself back into his corner of the couch, trying to appear as casual as possible, something he was rather an expert at, while keeping an eye on Evan.
“I know I’m late, honey and I’m sorry but I brought you some - oh…” She suddenly appeared in the doorway and froze as she caught sight of Connor sitting beside Evan on the couch.
“H-Hi Mom.” Evan forced a small smile to his lips and glanced over his shoulder to Connor, then back to his mother. “You, uh - remember Connor Murphy?”
Heidi blinked in surprise for another moment but then a slow smile spread across her lips. “Yes, yes of course. Hello Connor.”
“Hey.” Connor greeted, curt but friendly enough.
Heidi shifted her bag over her shoulder, her eyes scanning the room, taking in the mess, and the TV still on and playing the movie and her smile widened as she looked back the boys. “I didn’t know you were coming over. Of course you are always welcome here but it's thanksgiving, shouldn't you be with your family?”
A dark look quickly flickered over Connor’s face but he quickly steeled his expression and shrugged. “My family dinner ended early. I knew Evan was alone today so I thought I’d keep him company.”
A flicker of pain flashed across Heidi’s tired eyes but as Evan’s forced smile faded into a more genuine and soft smile she also smiled.
“Well that was very thoughtful of you, Connor.”
Connor’s face twitched and quickly shifted a look to Evan.
His body was tense and he fiddled mercilessly with the blanket on his lap. A nervous behavior that would have given anyone else’s guilty conscience away but Heidi seemed to suspect nothing of her anxiety-ridden son.
“Well,” Heidi took another look at the room, “I can see you found the pizza, that’s good...and the popcorn too apparently, but incase you boys are still hungry I brought home some turkey and all the fixings.” She lifted a large plastic bag. “There was a potluck at the hospital - lots of food so, if you want it…”
“Thanks, Mom.” Evan said quickly. “We’re kind of full though…”
“Okay.” Heidi said, still smiling awkwardly. “Well it will be in the kitchen if you want it. I’m just gonna go change...you guys enjoy your movie.”
Heidi’s gaze lingered on them a moment longer and then she disappeared around the hall.
Evan held his breath, waiting until her footsteps quieted and then let out a loud, heavy breath and glanced over to Connor. “Do you think she knows we were drinking?”
Connor’s lips twitched. “She will if you say it any louder, dude.”
Evan’s eyes widened and he sealed his lips tightly together.
“It's fine, I don’t think she knows anything. You’re definitely not drunk, Hansen.”
Evan frowned and a funny look crossed over his face. He slowly drew his knees up to his chest. “I think I'm gonna be sick.” He muttered and dropped his forehead to his knees.
Connor raised his brow and very much doubted it. “If you puke I'm leaving.” He deadpanned.
Evan groaned quietly. Then he spoke, his voice heavily muffled by his legs. “You have nowhere else to go.”
Evan probably didn't mean it the way he said it but the cold, harsh reality hit Connor like the cold stab of winter air. “Ouch.”
Evan slowly lifted his head, his eyes widening in horror. He did look a little pale and clammy. “Ohmygod. Connor, I am so sorry I didn't mean..”
“You did and you're not wrong. I don't have anywhere else to go.” He turned away from Evan, staring blankly ahead to the TV that was still playing. His hair fell in front of his face and he didn't bother brushing it out of the way. “Fuck knows I don't want to go back to that house.”
Evan was quiet but he could feel his eyes on him. The beginnings of rage once again began to squeeze around his heart until finally Evan said,
“You could stay here.”
Connor slowly turned back to him and Evan gave him a small smile, his cheek now resting on his knees. “For tonight, I mean.”
Connor lifted a single brow. Was Evan really offering a sleepover?
“Your mom would be cool with that?” He briefly wondered why he actually cared about that.
Evan shrugged. “She won't mind...I don't think. Not if we don't wake her up or anything.”
“Okay...cool. Thanks.” He tried to play it off casually but he couldn't deny the relief he felt of not having to go back to the scolding he would no doubt receive as soon as he walked in the door. He could at least delay it for another day and hopefully Larry would be too hungover to really yell.
He felt a hard knot in the pit of his stomach at the reminder of the family he had left behind - and what they would do when they discovered he was gone.
As far as they were concerned he was still in his room but his mom would probably come to check on him after everyone had left. It was always his mom - with a soft, sad, pleading voice asking if he was hungry and then following it up with a sigh.
He sure as hell didn’t want them blowing up his phone all night with texts and calls demanding that he come home.
For that reason alone, he groaned and pulled out his phone to text Zoe.
To: Zoe
I'm staying at Evan’s. Tell mom.
Almost immediately he received the reply.
From: Zoe
So you did leave? Wtf Connor. They're gonna kill you.
He scoffed and Evan glanced up at him, his brow furrowing curiously. Connor shook his head, dismissing him.
To: Zoe
Great. Let them.
“Your mom?”
Connor barked a laugh and shook his head. “No. Zoe.”
“Oh.”
Connor glanced sideways as Evan’s voice shot up. Evan was staring down at his knees but his cheeks were stained a light pink and Connor rolled his eyes.
He had not forgotten Evan’s letter- he would never forget Evan’s letter- but the words about Zoe in particular had seared themselves rather unfortunately to his brain. Of course his only friend would have a weird crush on his sister.
Fortunately, whether he was smart enough not to, or just too shy, Evan never discussed his feelings for her in front of him.
He did however flush red and became even more twitchy when Zoe met up with them at school. Zoe was friendly to him and Evan had become a little better at talking to her but it was still almost painfully awkward to watch.
He shoved his phone back into his pocket and decided to ignore it for the rest of the night. It clanked noisily against the wine bottle that was still tucked in his lap. He hastily removed it and tucked it against the side of the couch next to the glasses.
Then he threw himself roughly against the back of the couch, startling Evan and causing him to look over to him inquisitively.
Connor ignored the look and instead focused on the tv to where the credits were rolling accompanied by some highly obnoxious rock music. “Movie’s over.”
“Yeah.” Evan said quietly. Connor noticed he did not complain about them missing parts of the movie this time. Still, he clicked back a few scenes or two and Evan’s face lit up a in a small smile that made it worth it.
They sat through the end of the movie, Evan slowly starting to relax again, his legs uncurling as he rested back.
As soon as the end scene played and it flickered back to the obnoxious credits, Connor returned to the home menu and flipped through the other movie choices until he found another one that looked halfway decent. He made a low, questioning noise in the back of throat, half-heartedly asking Evan’s approval.
Evan grunted noncommittally in reply and Connor shrugged and hit play before tossing the remote to the table.
He frowned as he shifted his tall body around on the small couch trying to find a comfortable position. Eventually his legs ended up propped back up on the table as his body slumped into the couch, his shoulder and head rested against the armrest.
Around halfway through the next movie, Connor felt Evan’s foot brush against his upper thigh and his chest tightened at the unexpected contact. Then Evan’s foot continued to travel back and gently tried to squeeze in the space between the couch and his ass.
“What the fuck are you doing, Hansen?”
At the lack of response or further movement from Evan, he frowned and lifted his head and glanced over to him.
Evan was fast asleep, one leg stretched out while the other was curled up at the knee. His head lolled against the back of the couch, the pillow still tucked under his chin.
If wine helped relax Evan, then sleep was even better judging by the smile on his face and the complete lack of tension in his body. Connor had never seen him like that, he wasn’t even sure Evan could fully relax.
For that reason alone, he dare not wake him. Connor scoffed at himself and his sudden thoughtfulness - but he knew better than anyone sleep could be an escape. Sometimes it was plagued by nightmares but most of the time if he was asleep he didn’t hurt and it must have been that way for Evan too. He rested his head back against the arm of the couch, trying to gently shifted around Evan’s foot digging into his back without waking him.
He continued to watch the movie, allowing himself for once to not dwell on his dark thoughts that hung over his life like a permanent raincloud, but to enjoy the stupid simplicity of a comedy, even allowing the occasional genuine chuckle or two.
After a while, Connor felt the rumble of hunger in his stomach and remembered the food Heidi had said was in the kitchen.
He lifted his head and threw another glance to Evan who was still sound asleep. Slowly and carefully so not to wake Evan he got to his feet. Evan’s foot twitched and then so did his face but he only snuggled further into the pillow. Connor covered his exposed foot with the blanket and shook his head and then headed for the kitchen.
He froze in the doorway, his heart leaping to his throat as he saw Heidi sitting alone in the dim kitchen, pushing around her fork on her barely eaten plate.
He was about to turn and leave, sacrificing his hunger for the avoidance of an awkward encounter with Evan’s mom, when Heidi lifted her head and noticed him.
Her face softened at once when she saw him and she gave a small little smile. “Connor, hi. Are you hungry?”
Connor stared at her silently for a moment but his momentary panic had ebbed at her welcoming gaze. He nodded and took a hesitant step into the kitchen.
It was so different than his own - small, a little messy and Heidi sitting with a smile, yet he still expected a reprimand, as always when he tried to sneak into the kitchen to grab a late dinner.
“Come in,” Heidi gave him an encouraging wave, “Please, help yourself.”
He continued to walk inside, feeling abnormally tall and awkward in the small kitchen with Evan’s short mother, who, hunched over in her lonely chair, seemed even smaller.
“Thanks.” He muttered as Heidi pushed a stack of two plates toward him as he approached the table.
He silently grabbed the first plate and purposefully avoided Heidi’s gaze as he grabbed a fork and stuck it into the styrofoam container of turkey.
“Would you make a plate for Evan too?” Heidi asked quietly and Connor tensed further. “I...I’m not sure how much he has eaten today but he usually... doesn't. He likes Turkey though.”
“He’s asleep.” Connor said cooly.
“Oh.”
She said nothing more but Connor grabbed a few more pieces of turkey with his fork and placed it onto the other plate and Heidi let out a small audible sigh of relief.
Connor felt a small ache in his chest. Maybe she wasn't around as much as Evan would have liked but at least she cared.
The silence was almost painfully awkward. Connor could feel Heidi watching him and he quickly hurried through scooping the various sides onto his plate, desperate to escape.
“Are you alright, Connor?”
The question was so sudden and said with such gentle affection that Connor froze, his breath catching in his chest.
No, he wasn't alright, he hadn't been alright in years. He forgot what alright felt like. It was a stupid question to ask but Heidi asked it with such genuine concern that he avoided his usual snarky remark.
He slowly lifted his head and his chest tightened at the way she was looking at him with genuine concern in her sad, gentle eyes.
He kept his face stoic, blank. He could not allow himself to show emotion in front of Evan’s mom.
“Fine.” He said shortly and Heidi pressed her brow together in a way that reminded him of Evan.
She clearly did not believe him but didn’t push it further, only smiled, a small sad smile at the corner of her mouth, and nodded.
Connor quickly turned back to his food and scooped one last spoonful of mashed potatoes onto Evan’s plate and then grabbed both plates and two forks.
“Uh...thanks for the food.” He muttered quickly, hastily looking up to her to only briefly, awkwardly make eye contact, and then as she nodded in acknowledgement he turned and headed out of the room.
“Connor?”
He froze in the doorway and closed his eyes tightly, resisting a sigh - he had almost made it out of there. He turned halfway around to look over his shoulder to acknowledge her.
She was smiling sadly. “I just wanted to thank you...for coming over and being here with Evan. I…” She sighed and closed her eyes and Connor tensed uncomfortably, suddenly itching to escape as Heidi became emotional. She shook her head slowly. “My shift ran later than I thought and I hate to leave him alone for too long. So I’m just glad that he has a friend. I didn’t really think he had friends - other than Jared.”
Friend.
A word that has been lost to Connor a long time ago. He couldn't even remember the last time he had a friend. All of his friends, before Evan, were not even friends but people who needed an escape just as badly as he did. Just a little bit of company while they all lost the world. They didn’t speak to each other when they weren’t high, except to plan a deal maybe.
To Connor that had been friendship, because that was all he had known.
Then there was Evan. Then there was understanding and acceptance. Then there was video games and stupid movies and popcorn fights. Then there was a tiny bit of light that was beginning to crack through the darkness.
Frankly, Connor thought he was a horrible influence, a shitty friend and just an overall bad person, and that Evan deserved much better but he was too much of a selfish asshole to let him go. Fortunately for him, Evan was just as desperate for a friend, and for some reason actually seemed to like him.
They were one hell of a pair, the two of them. An unlikely pair to everyone, including them but somehow it worked. Connor didn’t really care how or why - just that it did.
Connor wasn’t sure what the hell to say to her - there were those pesky and confusing as all hell good emotions again.
“Uh...yeah...no problem.” He eventually settled on, then before she could say anything else he muttered another thanks, holding up the plates and then turned on his heel and left the room.
He walked quickly back to the living room, desperate to get as far away from that awkward situation as soon as possible.
The dim lighting of the room, the silence from the couch where Evan still slept and the buzzing of the tv as the movie continued to play, gave him at least a little bit of comfort. The room, the scene had become familiar, his safe haven.
He walked around to his side of the couch and was vaguely amused to find that Evan had not moved a single inch. If not for the gentle, rhythmic up and down of his chest, he could have almost been dead. Connor shook off the weird, uncomfortable tightening in his chest at the thought.
Connor placed down Evan’s plate on the table, knowing it wouldn’t be touched despite Heidi’s hopes and then carefully settled back down onto his side of the couch with his own plate.
He ate most of what was on the plate. He was more hungry than he realized, despite having eaten most of Evan’s pizza. The popcorn had mostly ended up on the floor and he had barely eaten at that disastrous meal at home. He didn’t have an appetite then - being forced to listen to Cousin Joe’s Greatness was nauseating.
Fully satiated by the delicious, albeit slightly cold, meal, he slumped back against the couch to continue watching the movie.
He made it through that one and half of another, only being distracted by Evan’s occasional snort in his sleep and Heidi moving around in the kitchen.
His eyes finally growing heavy, he lifted his head to glance over to Evan. He had moved only slightly, his back flat against the couch cushions as he clutched the pillow tightly to his chest. There was the tiniest bit of room beside him and carefully so as not to kick Evan in the face, Connor moved to stretch out his legs across the couch in the space left.
Connor Murphy was a great deal of things but graceful was not one of them.His attempts at moving slowly were not successful and he cursed under his breath as he ended up nudging Evan’s shoulder with his shin.
Evan let out a small, sleepy groan, his whole body growing rigid. His brow furrowed, his lips pursing into a frown as he turned his head toward the disturbance.
“Mom?” He mumbled and Connor discovered that Evan’s voice when thick with sleep was much deeper.
“Not even close.”
Evan blinked his eyes open in surprise, as if he had forgotten he was there. “Connor?”
“Yeah. Bunch up.” Connor nudged him again. “Did anyone ever tell you you're a couch hog?”
“No?” He scrunched up his face in drowsy confusion. “I never slept on the couch with another person.”
He watched with groggy, squinted eyes as Connor shifted around trying to get comfortable.
“Especially not one so...”
“So what?” Connor prompted, giving him a look.
“Tall? You're really tall.”
Connor huffed. “No shit.”
Evan grunted as Connor shifted and kneed him again, this time in the side. Evan scooted up and shot him a vague look of irritation. “You did that on purpose.” He muttered.
Connor smirked. “You were in the way.”
“I’m always in the way.” Evan muttered under his breath and tightened his arms to his chest, attempt to make more room for Connor’s long legs. He grunted and groaned, making accompanying scrunchy faces until he finally fell back onto the couch and stopped moving with a hard sigh.
“That can't be comfortable.” Connor noted as he observed Evan curled in on himself, packed like a sardine between him and the couch.
“W-We’re two teenage boys trying to fit together on a small couch...what about that says it would be comfortable?”
Connor shrugged. “I've slept in worse places.”
Evan frowned and lifted his head but thankfully didn't ask. The last thing Connor wanted was to get into that conversation.
“Loosen up a bit, Ev. Go back to sleep.”
At that Evan yawned and once again attempted to shift his position on the couch. This time Evan was the one to elbow Connor in the shin and they both winced as bone met bone.
“Sorry.” Evan muttered genuinely and Connor rolled his eyes.
Finally, Evan turned partially onto his side, his back pressed against the back of the couch and his pillow now sandwiched between him and Connor’s leg to act as a cushion.
His legs were stiff and awkward, stretched out beside Connor. Connor was partially propped up against the armrest, his height making it impossible to even attempt to squish fully onto the couch like Evan.
He pulled his hood back over his head, acting as some kind of pillow and folded his arms tight across his chest.
He had indeed slept in worse places and while it wasn’t the most comfortable place in the world, he wasn’t about to complain. At least it was warm.
It had just gone quiet again and Connor had just closed his eyes when Evan started to wiggle beside him.
Connor tensed and froze, waiting for him to settle down. He frowned as Evan’s hand started to move between them, his fingers twitching, searching for something.
“Evan, what the hell.” He growled lowly, opening his eyes just a crack to peer at him.
“Sorry, I just...I want to…” Evan’s hand flapped around some more until he finally grabbed a hold of the blanket that was trapped under them. With a force the nearly knocked Connor off the couch, forcing him to think quick and grab a hold of Evan’s leg just to keep himself up, Evan lifted the blanket.
Connor swore and Evan froze, staring at him like a deer in headlights. Connor shot him a light glare and Evan winced as Connor’s fingers dug into his leg as he pulled himself back up.
As Connor straightened himself up, finally releasing his vice grip on Evan’s leg, Evan slowly gave him a sheepish smile.
Connor simply grunted and frowned at him, scrunching deeper against the couch and closing his eyes.
Connor let out a slow, deep breath as Evan slowly began shifting again.
He opened his eyes a moment later when he felt the warmth of the blanket fall over his lap. He watched as Evan settled himself back down, adjusted the pillow back against in the space between their bodies, and then fixed the blanket so it could cover them both as equally as possible.
Then finally he settled with his hands on his lap over the blanket.
“Are you done?” Connor asked dryly, the corners of his lips twitching up despite himself.
“Yes.” Evan mumbled and gave one final wiggle. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Connor said with a soft sigh and closed his eyes as he settled back with a yawn. “Just don’t knock me off the fucking couch again.”
“Okay. Sor…” He cut himself off and cleared his throat and they both fell into silence.
“Goodnight.” Evan muttered so low it was like he barely said it at all but Connor had heard it.
He grunted quietly and tightened his arms further to his chest. “‘Night, Hansen.”
Within minutes Evan was asleep again but Connor did not find sleep so easily. His eyes were heavy and he could feel the edges of sleep trying to pull him in but he simply was not getting there as fast as he would like.
He wasn’t sure how long he was there, just barely awake, hanging onto the edges of consciousness.
He realized, as he lay there with the warmth and comfort of Evan pressed up beside him, that he had made the right decision in coming there tonight instead of acting on his destructive instincts. This friendship thing was actually a pretty good feeling. He didn’t really have a lot to be thankful for, his shitty life didn’t provide that for him, but with Evan he could at least now be grateful for something.
~~
“When you’re falling in a forest and when you hit the ground,
