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"Stay. Tell me you'll stay. Because I am not going."
An alternate version of the final scene. [Fix it]
Read on A03 Read on FF
There were only a few times in Crowley’s existence where he felt the entire universe shatter beneath him.
Once when he was cast out of Heaven.
And another when Aziraphale stood before him, grinning, exuding joy, but telling him that he wanted to go back to Heaven, become an Archangel and return Crowley to his former status as an angel.
“Tell me you said no.”
His body was tense with fear and rage as he stared at Aziraphale, whose smile was fading, confusion and disappointment in his eyes which only fueled the fire raging inside Crowley.
“Tell me you said no.”
Aziraphale was silent.
“I…I didn’t say no.” Aziraphale stuttered, his brow furrowing, and Crowley’s stomach dropped.
“I didn’t say yes either,” He quickly added and took a step towards Crowley, a desperate pleading smile forcing itself back onto his face and Crowley glared at him cautiously.
“Crowley, listen, if I’m in charge…I can make a difference.”
“A difference?” Crowley scoffed bitterly and Aziraphale’s face fell once more. “Angel, there is nothing you, or anyone can do to fix them.”
Aziraphale’s brow furrowed, and he frowned. “I-I don’t believe that. Without Gabriel…”
Crowley let out a loud groan. “You think Gabriel is the only one who wasn’t good? It's the whole lot of them!”
Aziraphale huffed. “He was the one in charge, and now…now that can be me, and I can bring you with me…”
“I don’t want to go to Heaven!” Crowley hissed. “Why would you ever think I’d want that? We are fine here. We’ve been fine here.” he stared into Aziraphale’s shocked and pained expression and added, "Haven't we?"
"We've been fine but in Heaven…"
Crowley let out a frustrated growl, cutting him off, and turned away from Aziraphale quickly, pacing a few steps away.
"Alright, okay, before you continue with that…I need to say what I was going to say."
He turned back to Aziraphale with a shaky breath, summoning his courage.
“We’ve known each other a long time. We’ve been on this planet for a long time. I mean, you and me. I could always rely on you. You could always rely on me. We’re a team, a group. Group of the two of us. And we’ve spent our existence pretending that we aren’t. I mean, the last few years, not really. And I would like to spend…” His voice cracked and he groaned and Aziraphale watched him with wide, shocked eyes.
“I mean if Gabriel and Beelzebub can do it, go off together, then we can. Just the two of us. We don’t need Heaven, we don’t need Hell, they’re toxic. We need to get away from them, just be an us. You and me, what do you say?”
Aziraphale gaped at him, his heart pounding, trying to process everything Crowley had just confessed. That unspoken thing between them that had been growing between them just laid out before him.
Go off together, as Gabriel and Beelzebub had done. Gabriel and Beelzebub who risked everything just to be with one another. Who wanted nothing but the other. Who loved so fiercely, it was the only thing that mattered. Heaven didn’t matter, Hell didn’t matter.
But Crowley didn’t understand…
“We can be together…in Heaven.” Aziraphale said quietly and a deep scowl crossed Crowley’s face. “Crowley…”
“No, angel. No.” Crowley growled and then crossed the distance between them quickly. Aziraphale barely had time to wonder, predict what he would do before Crowley grabbed him by the lapels and slammed his mouth down onto this.
Aziraphale squeaked, his eyes widening in shock, hands waving around at his sides as he registered what was happening. Crowley’s mouth, hot and hard, was on his.
His hands found their way to Crowley’s back, shaking as they lingered there as he closed his eyes tightly, for a moment giving into the feeling that he’d wanted for longer than he’d ever really known.
Just as quickly, fear and panic bubbled within and his hands withdrew from Crowley as if he’d been burned, but he couldn’t remove himself from his lips.
The kiss broke and Aziraphale pulled back with a trembling gasp.
His eyes moved about the room, anywhere but Crowley, though Crowley kept his eyes focused intently on him.
His breathing was labored as he tried to catch his breath from the sheer amount of emotion that kiss flooded him with.
"Why did you do that?"
"I need you to think about this, angel."
"I am." Aziraphale responded indignantly, his voice cracking. "I have, I am thinking about us."
"No, you're not.” Crowley hissed. “Because if you knew me, if you knew us, what we've been to each other the last six thousand years, it wouldn't even have been a consideration."
"I…" Aziraphale began but quickly cut himself off with a sharp twist inside of him because deep down he knew…Crowley was right.
Crowley let out a deep breath and approached him slowly. "Stay. Tell me you'll stay. Because I am not going."
Aziraphale’s lips trembled, and he glanced away from Crowley to the door where he knew Metatron was waiting.
His heart ached.
Heaven was….Heaven and he was an angel. He was being offered the chance to fix what was wrong, to change what had gone wrong, to restore Crowley to what he had previously been.
"Crowley, please, I don't want to go without you."
"Then don't."
He said it as if it were that easy.
Tears welled in his eyes.
"You're better than them, Aziraphale."
His eyes narrowed slightly. Better than Heaven? Well certainly the angels had their issues but Heaven as a whole…
"Better?"
"Yes, better. Eons better. Do you know…do you have any idea…" Crowley let out a growling sigh and stalked in circles and Aziraphale watched him carefully.
"No of course you bloody don't you weren't there."
"Weren't where?"
"In Heaven, Aziraphale." He turned to him sharply. "When we swapped and I went up there in your place." He pressed his lips together in a tight line. "They were going to kill you."
Aziraphale’s eyes widened. "What? No that…"
"All of them, not just Gabriel, all of them wanted to throw you into hellfire and because it was me," he angrily pushed his own finger into his chest and Aziraphale flinched, "because I'm a demon, I survived, you survived. And I just can't believe, after all of this," he growled and gestured around wildly to the now clean bookshop, "that they'd just forget all of it, change their minds because they won't. Because they don't and never have and I am not willing to risk your life for them."
"That's not…. that can't be….you're lying." His voice broke because he knew he wasn't. Crowley had never lied to him, but the truth hurt so much more.
Crowley took a deep breath in, his stare piercing through him and swallowed thickly. "Well, if you believe that then maybe you should go."
Aziraphale shook his head slowly. "Why would they…"
"Because you don't belong there."
Aziraphale took a deep breath and huffed out his nose. "Why would they offer this to me now?"
"I don't know but I don't trust it and if you had any good sense, you wouldn't either."
"I…" Aziraphale frowned and once again glanced out of the bookshop.
"We can figure it out together, just as we always have. Here."
Beyond those walls the Metatron was waiting for him to return with his answer. He had walked back into the bookshop so certain that he could make things right. That Heaven was the best thing he could hope for, for both him and Crowley. Yet now he wasn't sure. His stomach felt a little sick with the weight of the words Crowley had told him.
Crowley was a demon, but Crowley had no reason to lie. Aziraphale knew exactly what Heaven was capable of. He had lied to Heaven just to protect three innocent children from their own plan.
He knew he could make things better…but did he truly want to? And could he do it without Crowley?
"Aziraphale…" Crowley's voice drew his gaze back to him and his chest felt tight at the desperation in his eyes.
"We could…. we could just be us."
Seemingly of their own accord, his eyes dropped to Crowley's lips and Aziraphale could still feel the pressure and warmth of them against his own. He brought a trembling hand up to his own mouth and then dropped it just as fast, turning away from Crowley with a sudden gasp.
He closed his eyes tightly, fighting the tears. His hands curled into fists at his sides as he warred with the emotions that were threatening to consume him.
Could he really leave Crowley? Return to a place where he hadn't belonged for quite some time? A place where, according to Crowley, they'd wanted him dead.
A place he thought they'd be safe. A place where he could make it safe.
His eyes opened and a tear rolled down his cheek as he stared at the door.
Crowley wouldn't be safe there, no matter how hard Aziraphale may try.
He couldn't bring Crowley there and Crowley wouldn't go.
But the world…this precious planet he'd come to love so much. He could do so much to help it from Heaven. If…
If…
If they let him.
His eyes narrowed as he turned his gaze to the floor. After all this time, why now?
"Aziraphale?"
Aziraphale straightened up and cleared his throat. He glanced a little over his shoulder towards Crowley.
"I know what I must do."
Crowley furrowed his brow and shook his head. "What…? Aziraphale!"
He called after him, lurching forward, his heart in his throat as Aziraphale marched out of the bookshop.
He debated running after him, stopping him but something stopped him. He felt frozen to the bookshop, helpless as Aziraphale disappeared from view.
He growled under his breath, running his fingers through his hair as he whirled around, away from the door.
Agony. Waiting was agony. Worse than anything, he'd ever had to wait for before.
Each second seemed to tick by at a glacial pace and he stood with his eyes closed, afraid to turn around, afraid to face the very real idea that his best friend, his angel, his love could very well leave forever.
Too long. It had been far too long. He was gone too long.
And then the door opened.
He inhaled, held his breath, opened his eyes and slowly turned around.
Aziraphale was in the doorway, but his eyes were wide with deep emotion, tears welling there and Crowley's stomach dropped.
"Angel ..."
Aziraphale took a sharp breath, his eyes widening more for a moment and then he cleared his throat, took another deep breath, steeled his features.
"Crowley."
Crowley’s jaw tightened; his tongue felt heavy in his mouth.
He'd come to say his final goodbye and Crowley didn't want to hear it.
Then Aziraphale crossed the distance between them, stopping just in front of him and met his eyes.
"You were right.” He said, his voice a little breathless, quick but decided. “I…I told Metatron I was declining the offer."
"You did." It was both a statement and a question as Crowley's dubious eyes looked him over, searching for the truth.
"Yes, I did. I couldn't…I…" Aziraphale grunted in self-frustration and reached out, grabbed Crowley's face in both hands, fixed on his surprised, widened golden eyes and then brought his mouth down to his.
Crowley stiffened in response, just as he had done the first time, but then quickly relaxed, melting into him, moving his mouth and kissing him back as his arms came around him.
Aziraphale let out a quiet whimper of pleasure and Crowley echoed with a growl of his own.
For millennia Aziraphale denied that he'd wanted this, but he could deny it no longer. He'd just denied Heaven for Crowley. To be with Crowley. To live on Earth, where he belonged.
He pulled away, still holding onto Crowley's face and let out a shaky breath, his eyes full of emotion.
"I choose you." Aziraphale said. "Crowley, it's been you…it was for you. I thought…incorrectly so, we could be together in Heaven, as angels but…" he tightened his grip on Crowley's face as Crowley frowned and began to shrink away. He held him in place, meeting his eyes. "I shouldn't have assumed that's what you'd want. It's not what I want, not really." Finally, he lowered his hands to Crowley's shoulders and averted his gaze, laughing nervously.
"It's my turn, I suppose, for a grandiose speech…" he cleared his throat and his hands fell to his sides where his hands twitched nervously.
"Angel…" Crowley's voice was soft, softer than he could ever remember hearing from him, and his eyes snapped back up to him in surprise. The look in his eyes stole his breath.
"I understand."
Aziraphale shook his head and swallowed thickly. "No, no you deserve to hear it. You risked everything just now and I almost threw it all away and I need you to know. My dear Crowley…you are, and always will be, the most important being in my life. I…" he paused, and Crowley lifted his brow, "I don't need you to be an angel. I thought that is what you wanted. I thought it'd make you happy, I thought…"
"You make me happy, Aziraphale. I don't need Heaven. I just need you."
Aziraphale’s lips twitched in a shaky smile. "Forgive me?"
Crowley stepped in slowly, once again closing the distance between them and lifting his hand to cradle Aziraphale’s face.
Aziraphale melted into his touch, giving in.
"Tell me you're staying."
Aziraphale’s hand lifted to cover his and he locked eyes on the golden ones he adored so much and couldn’t believe he almost left behind. "I'm staying."
"Then there's nothing to forgive." Crowley said before once again swooping down to capture his lips.
Aziraphale hummed against his mouth, smiled into the kiss and then languidly draped his arms around his neck. Warmth flooded through him, with the relief of finally. Finally, they were doing this.
“Let’s get out of here, Angel.” Crowley whispered against his mouth.
Aziraphale pulled back to look at him, blinking. “Go where?”
Crowley’s lips pulled into a grin. “There’s a table at the Ritz with our name on it and a ton of alcohol to be consumed.”
Aziraphale’s eyes lit up, his hands sliding to Crowley’s chest as his smile widened to match Crowley’s. “All for us?”
Summary: Ed and Stede's long awaited reunion. A series of finding each other and working their way back to love.
Notes: This has been in my head for a bit and I decided to write it out. I also saw the idea for Stede’s new name on tumblr and I don’t remember where I saw it or who it was from so I’m sorry if I used your idea! I just thought it was perfect and something Stede would do. I also don’t expect the reunion to happen in this way but this is what fanfiction is for right? I hope you enjoy!
Read on A03
Ed mentally checked where the weapons on his person were as he trudged towards the beach. He wasn't sure what to expect from this mysterious Captain Edwards.
He was intrigued by the mystery of the messages he’d been receiving, feeling something besides anger and despair for the first time in a long time. It was the only reason he’d agreed to meeting him alone - he wanted to dive into danger, unleash the Kraken on some poor stupid bastard who thought they could face him alone.
He spotted the silhouette of a figure of a man standing on the beach and his hand twitched at his side, a hint of a wicked smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth, adrenaline pulsing through his body.
As he took a few steps closer, the figure became clearer, and though he was facing away from him, he froze, his breath getting knocked out of him.
The figure had very familiar blonde hair and an even more familiar build. The outline of a man who occupied his nightly dreams and waking thoughts.
Stede.
He felt sick, like his whole world stopped spinning for a moment and then completely overturned.
Stede Stede Stede.
It wasn't possible, he reminded himself and the deep visceral grief gripped at his heart again.
Stede was dead.
The news had reached him on some stupid port by a stupid random pirate, and Izzy gloated, and it was the hardest thing he ever had to do to pretend he didn't care.
It took days to feel even remotely human again. He hadn't slept because his nights were the only time he could mourn. He had stared at the lighthouse painting, clutched the bit of black fabric that he wore around his neck - the only things that remained of Stede Bonnet - and each time he lost that little bit more of his heart.
And he cursed his damned, stupid imagination for placing the image in his mind now, just when he was beginning to believe Stede could be left behind him.
He gritted his teeth and took a few deep breaths to steal his nerves, push Edward Teach back down. He didn’t want to deal with Edward Teach and his stupid feelings.
"Captain Edwards I presume?" He called out casually to the man as he stepped out further onto the sand, one hand ready on his weapon. He was ready for a fight, aching for it, dying to rip something to shreds instead of the pain that Stede’s memory brought.
The man turned around and his world came crashing down.
From behind he could easily have made the mistake, but not when the man fully turned toward him, greeting him with those wide, kind eyes and a hesitant smile.
"Hello Ed." Stede’s voice was gentle, wistful, hopeful and simultaneously the most beautiful and painful thing he’d ever heard.
Ed couldn’t move, didn’t dare move, for if he moved he might just completely shatter. Stede had appeared to him many times in his dreams, nightmares and occasionally even the lowest moments when he hallucinated him there in the room with him.
Yet he had never been this real. His face was so clear and perfect, his voice so resounding.
It took what seemed like forever until Ed felt himself breathing again but his chest burned, ached, constricted.
"You're dead." He spoke in shock and Stede briefly raised his brow.
"Oh, you heard that? I didn't think it'd get so far.” Stede rubbed the back of his neck and Ed watched his every movement, every muscle as it worked to bring his arm from his side to over his shoulder. For some goddamn reason it was absolutely mesmerizing. “It was a fuckery, Ed.I faked my death."
Stede Stede Stede.
The bloody insufferable man was smiling at him, his eyes lighting up with pride.
Somewhere deep down he knew Ed Teach would have been proud of him. A fuckery where he faked his death. It was absolutely brilliant.
But for the last several weeks Ed Teach had been buried, left only to surface in the darkest moments when he couldn’t hold it in any longer. And he refused to let him surface now.
Shock still pulsing through him, he tried to process the fact that Stede was real and alive and standing before him.
A growl rumbled in his throat and he closed his eyes, for only a mere moment allowing the pressure and sting of tears to form and then pushed it back and let the Kraken take hold.
His eyes were cold and dark when he reopened them and though he looked in Stede’s direction, he couldn't look directly at him.
"Get the fuck out of here, Bonnet. I'm not here for you." His voice was deep, low and barely recognizable even to his own ears and Stede’s face reflected his own surprise.
He had to be cold, had to be cruel and distant because if he wasn’t, he’d give in. He'd give in and run the remaining distance between them, take Stede in his arms and never let him go again. But he couldn't do that - he couldn't allow himself to do that.
"Yes,” Stede nodded quietly and Ed’s hand twitched at his side as he moved, taking a small step forward, “Captain Edwards right?"
Ed's eyes narrowed. "You know him?”
"I am him." Stede answered with another proud little smile and Ed’s hand gripped tight at his pistol, just to keep his hand from shaking as the wave of realization swept over him.
It had been Stede the whole damn time. The one thing that made him feel something good since Stede had left and it was still him. His stomach lurched and he dug his fingernails into his palm to curb the feeling.
"I had to fake my death.” Stede continued. “Stede Bonnet for all intents and purposes doesn't exist. So I took up a new mantle."
"Captain…Edwards." He hadn't put it together before, the connection to his own name. The past few weeks he was trying to forget that Edward Teach existed, pushing his humanity down so the Kraken could live and thrive. Not even Izzy called him Edward anymore - always Captain, or Blackbeard.
“After you.” Stede confirmed and his chest constricted so tightly he thought it might just rip him in two. His voice was so gentle, caring, his eyes full of warmth and affection and Ed’s stomach turned again.
How dare he look at him like that?
"I have nothing to say to you." His voice deepened once again, the Kraken front and center as Ed desperately fought to keep afloat inside of him. He slowly turned and began to walk away, his anger driving him forward, the roar of his pounding heart in his ears.
"Edward, please let me explain." Stede’s voice was desperate, pleading as it called after him.
Ed stopped, gritted his teeth and then whirled around furiously. "I don't have to let you do shit." He growled and Stede held up his hands in front of him, putting some distance between them as Ed walked furiously toward him.
"You fucking left me!"
Suddenly he was back in that dock, his pain raw and real, climbing its way out as the perpetrator stood before him.
"And now you lure me here to do what exactly?"
"To apologize."
"I don't want to hear it." Ed sneered though his heart was screaming at him otherwise. Of course he wanted to hear it, he wanted an explanation from the moment he realized Stede was not going to show but he was afraid of the answer. Afraid of the truth. He buried his hurt under his anger and he didn't want to dredge it back up but it was quickly bubbling its way back up the surface.
"It was never my intention to hurt you, Ed." Stede said softly, his eyes round and full of remorse.
"Oh fuck off." Ed bit out and turned away from him, running a hand through his hair. He took the moment facing away from Stede to get control of his breath which was growing more and more labored by the second. His heart was in his throat, his body shaking.
"I know you don't want to hear it but please let me explain. I don't want to make excuses, there aren't any that are sufficient enough, but I do owe you an explanation."
Ed turned his head slowly to look at him, his eyes narrowed. His heart was pounding wildly, his stomach twisted uncomfortably. He wasn't sure if he was ready for whatever Stede was about to tell him but he longed for it anyway.
"I was going to meet you as I promised." Stede began and Ed scoffed. "I was…to, at the very least, tell you that I…I couldn't go, and I don't know what my plan was but it wasn't that."
"So what the fuck happened? Where did you go? Why did you…" leave me ..
Stede was quiet for a moment, shrinking slightly under Ed's intense stare and he looked down, his boot toeing regretfully at the sand.
"I went back to Mary."
Ed’s heart plummeted. "Your wife?"
"Yes,” Stede breathed and looked up at him desperately, “but it's not for the reason you're thinking."
"You don't know what I'm thinking." Ed snapped coldly.
"Well, I imagine from your perspective it appears as though I left you to go back to my wife."
His eyes narrowed, rage and hurt pulsing through his veins."You just told me that's what happened."
"Well yes, but also no…I…” Stede sighed heavily and closed his eyes tightly. Ed watched silently as he struggled with his words and found some kind of sick, twisted pleasure in watching him squirm.
"I was doing a lot of thinking about your offer but before I could do anything with my own thoughts initially on the matter, Badminton found me, put a gun to my head and led me out into the woods."
Ed's body froze and he blinked quietly. No matter how angry he was at Stede, the thought of him in mortal danger, fresh on the heels of having just gotten him back, was heart wrenching.
"What?" He hissed.
Stede licked his lips and nodded, bowing his head. "He told me that I destroyed Mary's life, my children's lives, and your life. That I was a plague and a monster who defiled beautiful things.”
Despite his anger, Ed felt a tightening in his stomach at the words because they couldn’t have been further from the truth. Stede made beautiful things, and yet…"You believed him?"
Stede nodded again, closing his eyes for a moment. "It's everything I've been telling myself my entire life and he affirmed it and he was right. I had done terrible things, especially to my family. And then you…" he raised his hand and extended it towards Ed with a sigh. "Gave up everything…" he finished in a hushed voice. "I thought, without me, you'd have a chance."
"A chance? A chance at what?'
Stedes eyes lifted to his. "Getting your life back."
Ed's lips twitched. "I didn't want my life back." As he said the words he realized how true they were and the words felt ripped out of his heart, painfully through his chest as it all came rushing out. “For fuck’s sake, I told you I didn’t want it.” His voice cracked in emotions he was struggling to hold back.
Stede pressed his lips together, his brow furrowing. "But you did go back."
"You gave me no other choice!" He took a few quick advancing steps towards Stede, anger flaring inside him. Stede’s eyes widened and he straightened up but didn’t move, keeping a steady eye on him.
"I tried being just Ed, thought I could get through it, move on but just Ed got his heart broken all alone on a fucking dock so yes, Stede, I did go back because it was all I had.”
"You have every right to be angry with me." Stede said and his voice and face were serious and calm. "I don't fault you for that but Ed…" he shook his head and met his eyes and there was just a spark of anger beneath the surface, "You had no right to take it out on my crew."
Ed's face softened a little bit, his heart dropping into his stomach. He had forgotten, purposely drove it out of his mind, though they often also appeared in his guilt-fueled nightmares.
"They had done nothing, were nothing but kind to you, they were trying to help you and you left them for dead!"
"That was fucked up." He admitted regretfully. "I know that. I just…" he sighed and shook his head. "I didn't want any reminders of you…of…who I was with you and they were…you."
"Lucius told me everything." Stede said quietly and Ed’s eyes lifted to his.
"He's alive." He whispered.
"He is.” Stede nodded, his eyes narrowed, cold and angry.
“He barely survived and was more than half dead when we found him but yes he's alive.”
Ed pressed his lips together. "Sorry." And he was. From the moment he decided on it, he felt regret and swallowed it, pushed it deep down along with all the other just Ed feelings he didn't want anymore.
"It isn’t me you have to apologize to." Stede said simply. "But I can relay the message."
Ed just stared, he and Stede locked in a high intensity stare, the tension rolling off of them in waves. It felt wrong to be this way with one another. From the moment they had met things were easy and natural between them but now everything had changed and neither of them were sure of the way through it.
Finally Ed broke the silence by clearing his throat and trying to shrug off the tension, the hurt, the anger. "So he told you what exactly?” He wondered, already knowing the answer. Lucius had been there to coax him out of the first few days of his post-Stede depression. He had offered him kindness, love, and comfort.
Stede’s face softened into a mournful frown. “He told me how you came back to The Revenge, how upset you were, how he took care of you…”
"Fucker." Ed cursed and turned away, running a hand over his face. He didn't want Stede to know how badly he had been hurt. He wanted Stede to know he was angry, betrayed but that he was able to reduce him to that state? How could Stede go back to his life with his wife and children, leaving Ed pathetically alone waiting for him?
"I'm sorry, Ed.” Stede’s voice was soft again, regretful. “I truly am. I needed some time to work things out for myself but I shouldn't have left the way I did. I honestly believed that you'd be better off without me, that I'd just destroy your life even more than I already had and I didn't think…” he trailed off with a small sigh and Ed braved a look over to him, holding his breath as he waited for Stede to finish his thought.
“I didn't realize you cared that much."
"Are you fucking kidding?” His voice was suddenly raw with pain. How could he not see? How could he not know, when Ed had bared his very heart and soul to him?
“I kissed you! I told you you make me the happiest I've ever been in my entire fucking life. I came back for you, to be with you, to save you! Jesus what else so I need to do to prove that I fucking care, Stede?"
"Nothing.” Stede breathed, his eyes wide, as he shook his head and started to approach him again. Ed took an equal step back, giving him a warning glance and Stede froze, his hands extended out toward him. “Nothing, Ed oh…no it's not you. It was all me. Me and my stupid insecurities. I've never been cared about that way before and I was led to believe that I couldn't be…"
"That's a bunch of bull shit.” Ed cut him off sharply and the words flowed out of him before he could stop them, “You’re so fucking lovable it's insane."
Stede’s stomach flipped at the word love. He wasn't sure Ed quite meant it that way, his emotions were running high, but he knew he meant the sentiment behind it at least and this time he did believe him.
"Don't look at me like that." Ed snapped, his eyes once again burning with unshed tears as he realized he once again let himself be vulnerable.
"Sorry…" Stede dropped his gaze but only for a moment and then his eyes slowly trailed back up to him in such a way that completely melted his heart. "I can't quite help it."
Ed groaned and rolled his eyes, throwing his hands up.
"Fucking hell Stede…I don't know if I want to punch you, or kiss you!"
Stede’s eyes widened for a moment and the corners of his lips twitched up. He considered this for a moment and then lifted his shoulders.
"You could do both." He offered quietly but sincerely and Ed froze, turning to look at him and raising his brow.
"You want me to hit you?"
"I don't particularly enjoy the thought of being punched…I've seen you hit people and it doesn't look pleasant.” His eyes flickered down to Ed's arms, where his muscles were taut with tension. He cleared his throat and lifted his head. "But I know it's the least of what I deserve and if it will make you feel better…even just a bit…"
Ed slowly turned to face him fully, his jaw tightening as he stared at him silently.
"Would it make you feel better?"
"Suppose so." Ed shrugged but his fingers twitched, ached with the need for it. Part of him didn't want to hurt Stede under any circumstances but another part of him, the much louder part at the moment, said he very much did. He wanted Stede to hurt like he hurt, he wanted to take it all out on him.
Stede took a breath and brought himself up to his full height and Ed's stomach turned uncomfortably. God he looked good.
He was hesitant because he did expect to be punched in the face, but also confident, determined to take it to right his wrongs. He held himself differently now. He was still the same old Stede in a lot of ways, but also different too.
His attraction to him only fueled the fire burning within him. He was attracted to Stede, very much so, so much so that he let his guard down, he opened his heart to him and Stede had left him.
His fist balled up at the thought as the anger and hurt swelled anew.
"Whenever you're rea-" Stede barely had time to get the words out before Ed launched forward, swiftly, sharply, his teeth gritted and his fist collided with Stede’s jaw.
Stede yelped and stumbled back, flying to the sand below.
Ed shook out his fist, bouncing on his heels with the pent up energy he had just released and watched in satisfaction as Stede’s hand flew to his now aching jaw.
"Good lord." Stede blinked, his head reeling and he pulled back his hand to check for blood.
There was no blood but it certainly would leave a nice bruise.
"Wasted no time did you." Stede said lightly, rubbing at his jaw again with a groan and Ed shrugged.
"You asked me to."
Stede looked up at him and the anger that had been burning in him before suddenly melted. Not completely gone but simmered to a barely flickering ember.
Stede’s hair fell over his forehead, his brown eyes staring up at him with such genuine affection, it continued to cool the raging fire within.
He smiled softly, sadly and nodded once. "Yes, I did." He lowered his hand down to his lap and tilted his head. "Did it help?"
Ed nodded. "Yeah, it did."
"Good."
Warmth and affection pooled in his belly as he watched Stede grimace against the pain in his jaw and then shake it off.
He groaned once more quietly and then shifted in the sand in an attempt to get up and Ed was struck by another very impulsive action.
He crossed the distance between them and Stede whipped his head up, his eyes widening and he froze as Ed approached him, eyes blazing.
Stede swallowed thickly, his lips parting slightly and then his eyes closed tightly as he prepared himself for another hit.
Ed instead dropped to his knees between Stede’s outstretched legs. His bad knee screamed in protest but he ignored it.
His breathing was growing more ragged at having Stede so close. His eyes welled with tears he could no longer fight and he gazed at the man before him. His hand still tingled from when he had struck him but it was that reminder that Stede was alive, he was real and he was right in front of him.
"Look at me." He demanded, his voice cracking and Stede obeyed, opening his eyes and then held his breath at how close Ed was.
He said nothing but his brow furrowed and he shook his head.
Ed's face scrunched up and blinked past the tears clouding his vision of Stede.
Stede frowned at him and acting upon instinct, he raised his hand to Ed's face. Ed flinched at the contact but didn't pull away, his lips trembling as he started Stede right in the eyes.
Ed hated how he couldn't stop the tears, he hated how gentle and affectionate Stede’s touch was against his cheek as he wiped away the falling tears. But he loved it too, oh how he loved it…how he loved having Stede in front of him, alive and well, looking back at him like he truly did care.
"I'm sorry, Ed…" Stede whispered and his voice caused Ed's heart to summersault inside his chest. "I'm so sorry." He had said it before and he would say it again, as many times as Ed needed to hear it.
"Fuck you, Stede." Ed whispered back, in a way that was anything but hostile.
Then without another word, he grabbed a hold of Stede’s shirt and brought Stede’s mouth to his in a crushing kiss.
He was gentle with Stede the first time but he didn't give a shit about being gentle now. He still wanted to hurt him in some way but he also wanted more - the passion, the anger, the hurt, the love he felt for this man, he wanted to pour it all in.
Stede made a surprised noise in the back of his throat and his lips parted allowing Ed to take that much more.
Stede’s hands moved from his face to his hair as he finally gave in and reciprocated, pressing his mouth into Ed's.
Tears rolled freely down Ed's cheeks as he dug his fingers into Stede’s shoulders, his eyes squeezing tightly. He felt so much - anger and hurt at the reminder of Stede’s betrayal, relief that Stede was alive, the burning desire for him, all flooding over him in giant crashing waves.
As Stede tenderly moved his lips, Ed took each opportunity to press harder, take more.
Finally he pulled away when his lungs begged him for air. His breath was hard and heavy, his eyes closed tightly because he knew if he looked at him he'd completely fall apart.
He could feel Stede’s own uneasy breath against his mouth and was suddenly aware of Stede’s hands rested lightly on his thighs.
The heat spread up through him and suddenly he wanted to run. He wanted to push Stede off of him and run as fast as he could, away from him, away from his hurt, away from his feelings, back to the Kraken where'd he be safe.
"Ed…"
"Shut up." He growled, focusing on his warring thoughts and emotions.
Ed still couldn't bear to look at him, the emotions running through him too much, but instead of running, instead of letting the Kraken win, he leaned in, pressing his head into Stede’s chest.
Stede’s arms instantly came around him, and held him tightly. Any urge to run had been immediately squashed as Stede’s warm embrace surrounded him.
Finally, he broke. He let the tears flow freely as he gripped onto him.
"I'm so fucking pissed at you." He mumbled into his chest and Stede’s hold tightened him.
"I know.” Stede whispered brokenly.
The words flowed out before he could stop them. He turned his head, burying his nose into the hollow of Stede’s neck, feeling his warmth, inhaling the scent of him and taking comfort in it.
"I missed you."
He couldn't believe he was allowing himself to be vulnerable again with him. He wasn't even sure he trusted Stede yet. But he did miss him and he spent so many nights longing to be held by Stede just like this and he couldn't resist anymore.
Stede let out a small, quiet gasp and his hands trailed up his back, sending a shiver down his spine. Stede's fingers gripped his hair gently and he felt Stede’s warm lips against the side of his head.
"Oh Ed .."
For a moment, panic seized his heart, fearing rejection, fearing pity, fearing he had opened himself up to be vulnerable only to be scorned again.
"I missed you too." Stede’s voice was like a song, a perfect melody to his heart. "I missed you so much."
"You did?" Ed's voice was weak and Stede hummed the affirmative.
"Terribly so."
Stede sighed quietly, his fingers aimlessly trailing up and down Ed's back and despite Ed's back and knees screaming at him because of the position they were in, he didn't want to move.
"I promised myself I'd do anything to find you again." Stede spoke quietly and Ed was silent, his brow furrowing as he listened. "I regret the way I left but…I don't regret going to Barbados."
Ed tensed in his arms and Stede flattened his palm against his back in solid reassurance.
"I don't because I learned so much about myself that I don't know when I would have come to it on my own. I was scared, Ed but I'm not scared anymore. Not about that."
"About what?" Ed asked quietly, sniffling.
Stede ducked his head, brushing his nose against Ed's hair.
"About us."
Ed's brow pressed together and he finally slowly pulled out of Ed's embrace, looking at him.
"I'm sorry if that was presumptuous of me." Stede said quickly, nervously. "I know it's my fault we're in the state that we are and I don't…" he pressed his lips together for a moment. "I don't know if there is an us anymore. I understand if that's not what you want anymore. I don't expect anything from you, Edward. I just needed to find you…to explain, to apologize and to let you know…" he trailed off and Ed raised his brows expectantly, his heart pounding.
Stede took a deep breath and then released it with a shaky smile. "You have my heart, Edward Teach. All of it. I'm so sorry it took such drastic measures for me to figure that out."
Stede wanted to tell him he loved him, the words were dying to come out but he held his tongue. In the wake of their recent reunion, Ed perhaps wouldn't be ready for that. He may have already stepped too deep in judging by the look in Ed's eyes.
Stede smiled sheepishly and cleared his throat, starting to lean away from Ed the longer Ed stared at him in silence, his deep brown eyes intense.
He dropped his hands and Ed's brow twitched.
"I apologize if that was too forward of me but you needed to know. I didn't leave because I don't care about you."
“You have a really shit way of showing that.”
Stede nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
He was finally aware of the ache in his back as he straightened up and he began to pull one leg up but Ed’s hand shot to his knee and held it.
Stede froze and looked at him, wide eyed.
Ed stared down at his hand covering Stede’s knee, his brow pressed together.
"You left."
“Yes." Stede bowed his head. "I…”
"Stede, shut up." Ed didn't mean for it to be so harsh but his heart was pounding, emotions coursing and he was trying to process everything that has happened since he walked onto the beach.
Stede’s eyes widened slightly but his mouth snapped closed.
Ed exhaled sharply through his nose and then pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes as he tried to regulate his body and his thoughts.
"You left and I thought I'd never see you again and then you were fucking dead and now you're here saying all this shit and I don't know how to handle this."
Stede opened his mouth to speak but then thought better of it.
"You drive me crazy, Stede. The most insane I've ever felt in my entire life and I've done and seen a lot of shit that would make any man mad but you…you…" He tapped his fingers against Stede’s knee and felt the tears welling up again as he poured out his heart.
"You make me feel so damn much."
Stede’s eyes softened in sad understanding but he still said nothing.
"And I’m so happy you're alive." He took a shaky breath and his other hand somehow found its way to Stede’s chest where he could feel his strong, quick heart beat.
Stedes hand slowly lifted and wrapped gently around his wrist, holding his hand there and gazing at him with warm adoration.
"I don't know if I can trust you yet." Ed continued. “You left." He repeated yet again and Stede waited patiently for him to continue. His eyes finally lifted to meet his. "and then you came back."
Stede’s lips twitched and his grip tightened lightly on Ed’s wrist in silent acknowledgement and reassurance that yes, yes he had come back.
"You found me and yeah you fucked up and I did too, I know that." His heart clenched in his chest, thinking of Stede’s crew. "Yet here you still are and I don't know why…" he shook his head. "I don't know what to believe so…" he let out a hard breath. "It's going to take some time, I think, for me to…
"I understand." Stede finally spoke quietly. "If you want me to go…"
"No." He said it as instinct and both of their eyes widened at how fast he said it.
"No…" he continued on and was suddenly aware how close they still were and how Stede’s body heat radiated off of him. He let out a slow, deep breath and leaned into it.
"I don't want you to go. I'm not sure what it is I want yet but I know that. I-if you want to stay…" he lifted his shoulders. "Stay." It was more of a plea than he would have liked but that is what it was.
A slow, small smile pulled at Stede’s lips and he took a deep breath and let it out and he nodded. "I do want to, Ed. More than anything I want the chance to make it up to you."
For the first time since the docks, Ed felt a lightness in his heart, he felt himself begin to hope again. He didn't know if he could trust Stede completely yet but he believed him when he spoke.
Stede said things so genuinely, spoke his heart and soul with his very being that the truth shone in his expressive, beautiful eyes.
"Fuck." Ed cursed, his eyes suddenly widening.
Stede’s brow rose. "What is it?"
Ed groaned, throwing his head back and closed his eyes. "I'm so fucking stupid."
"Ed, you're not…"
"No, I am because you told me and I wasn't listening."
Stede furrowed his brow and shook his head. "Told you what?"
"That you didn't want to go with me."
Stede’s eyes widened slowly. "Ed, I did…"
"No, no don't lie to me, okay?"
Stede closed his mouth and swallowed thickly, his face pulling into a frown and Ed sighed.
"I was too blinded by my own stupid joy that I didn't see you. "
"It wasn't stupid, Ed." Stede breathed.
"Nah, it was, mate."
"No, it wasn't." Stede insisted. "I wasn't lying when I told you you make me happy. You make me so happy that it was overwhelming for me and I suppose that was part of it. Why I left… but your joy…" a slow, soft smile spread on his lips. "It was so beautiful, Ed. When you asked me to run away with you, it was the best thing I've ever heard…the thought of spending my life at sea with you was exhilarating…” His smile widened for a moment and then his expression sobered, “but terrifying and I wasn't ready."
"I know." Ed said quietly, even though the words stung, even if the truth sat in his gut like a rock, he did know that. "At least I know that now. Your voice…" he shook his head. "You were saying yes with your words but your voice said no. I should have picked up on that."
Stede lifted his shoulders. "It wasn't on you. I should have told you the truth from the start. I didn't want to hurt you and in the end I hurt you even more than I ever thought I could. That…that was stupid."
"Yeah, yeah it was." Ed agreed but for the first time in a long time, a small smile tugged at his lips and in response the light that lit up Stede’s face at the sight of it was breathtaking.
Stede scoffed quietly, a small smile crossing his own lips. "I can't promise not to be stupid again but I can promise that I'll try not to. I'm so much more sure of myself now, I know what I want and I will fight for it."
Ed didn't even have to ask because Stede followed it up with, "I will fight for you as long as you let me."
Ed let out a slow breath and looked down at their joined hands still on Stede’s knee. He slowly flipped his hand over so their palms were touching and his fingers curled around Stede’s, his thumb gently caressing the back of his hand. He had missed his touch terribly.
"I'm gonna hold you to that, mate." He said quietly and looked back up at him. His heart flipped in his chest at the look in his eyes. That bright, hopeful, loving look that he knew so well. That he had committed to memory in the very lonely, painful nights he spent alone curled up in Stede’s bed.
His eyes narrowed slightly and he gripped Stede’s hand tightly. "Do anything like that again and I'll fucking kill you myself."
Stede’s face grew serious and he nodded. "If I do, I give you permission to do whatever you need to."
"I don't need your permission I’m just gonna fucking so it."
"I'll probably deserve it."
“Yeah you probably will."
They held each other's gaze for a few tense long seconds and then to his own surprise, Ed cracked a smile first. Despite his hurt, he had missed this…the banter, the back and forth, the playful flirting that came so natural with Stede. The horrible tension from earlier was still present but fading and he could grasp and hold onto the light and hope of them.
Stede’s face lit up with an echoing smile and his aching heart melted.
"Does this mean you've forgiven me?"
Ed's smile quickly faded. "I don't know." He answered and Stede nodded, his smile fading.
"Right, of course. No, I understand." His brow furrowed and he glanced down and part of Ed wanted to lean on and kiss the adorable little pout off his lips. He found himself already starting to lean in but stopped himself quickly. He needed to pace himself, he needed time.
"No," Ed said, more gently. "Not yet. But I think….maybe…one day." He sighed and Stede looked up at him. He swallowed thickly, his jaw tensing. "It really fucking hurt, Stede."
"I'll never leave you again." Stede vowed, keeping his eyes intently on his. "and I'll spend all my days proving that to you."
“You’d better.” Ed half threatened though his voice was choked as he spoke past the lump in his throat and the weight on his chest.
“I will.” Stede confirmed again with a small but genuine smile and Ed caught himself almost leaning into kiss him again.
He took a deep breath and decided to finally pull himself away, but as he moved, pain shot through his back and down his leg. He swore under his breath and winced.
"Are you alright?"
His eyes drifted back to Stede who was watching him in concern.
Ed nodded once. "Shouldn't have stayed on the ground so long."
Stede’s face softened in understanding and he nodded. "Perhaps we should get up then?"
"Yeah, reckon we should." Ed said quietly but he didn't move and neither did Stede. Their hands were still connected, their legs touching.
Stede’s eyes flickered down to his lips and that set Ed into motion. He knew if he remained this close to Stede any longer he'd surely end up kissing him again and while that thought was extremely tempting, he needed to resist, to learn to trust Stede again before completely giving himself over.
His hand flew out of Stede’s grasp and Stede reeled back, eyes widening slightly.
Ed groaned as he scooted away from Stede and slowly pushed himself up. He bit his lip as his bad knee cracked and ached, then he watched as Stede also pushed himself back up, brushing the sand off of his breeches.
"Oh!" Stede said suddenly and Ed raised his eyebrow as Stede patted the front of his breeches and then began to rifle through his pockets.
Ed couldn't help but follow his hand movements, watch his fingers flex and the muscles in his forearm twitch, and his throat tightened as Stede pulled out a very familiar red cloth.
"I have something that I believe belongs to you."
Stede held it gently, tenderly, lovingly in his grasp and then slowly extended his hand out to Ed with a small smile.
Ed stared at it silently, his heart pounding wildly. He thought he had said goodbye to the beloved fabric, one final goodbye to the past and to Stede, and sent it to the wind with his heart.
Yet there it sat, in the hand of the man he loved, the physical symbol of his heart with the man who owned it.
His eyes trailed up slowly to meet Stede who was watching him with trepidation.
"Where did you find this?" Ed asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
"It found me." Stede answered simply.
Ed took a few steps closer and reached his hand out. His fingers brushed against Stede’s gently and his breath caught in his chest at the tender touch.
"You kept it safe."
Ed expected it might have ended up at the bottom of the ocean, perhaps in a bird's nest or in the belly of an unfortunate sea animal who mistook it for food. He never expected to see it looking more clean than it ever had.
"Of course I did. It was rather dirty as well so I gave it a nice washing. I used your favorite lavender soap."
Ed's eyes snapped up to his, his hand frozen on top of Stede’s.
"I hope you don't mind." Stede finished quietly with a swallow. "I thought, perhaps, if I did ever find you, you'd appreciate it and if I didn't…well then at least I'd have some part of you with me."
Ed found himself utterly speechless. With every word Stede spoke, he was reminded why he had fallen for him in the first place. This was the Stede he knew, the one he loved. The one who hurt him would always be a part of him, that action would always be a part of their history… but for the last several weeks he has convinced himself that Stede had never cared, had purposely, maliciously left him and he was still trying to grapple with the truth of the situation, but Stede was still Stede and despite all of it, he loved him.
Ed quietly took the fabric from Stede and brought it towards his face. His eyes closed as he felt the tender softness of the material against his rough skin, and the overwhelming scent of lavender filled his nostrils and caused tears once again to spring to his eyes.
He fought them back, he didn't want to cry anymore, but the edges of the wall he had constructed after Stede left were slowly starting to crumble with every moment that passed.
He brushed the fabric ever so softly against his lips and knew that was the beginning of his acceptance of Stede back into his heart.
"Thank you."
He opened his eyes, blinking against slightly blurred vision and Stede’s answering smile warmed his heart.
"My absolute pleasure."
Ed swallowed thickly and held the cloth to his skin for a few more silent seconds and then carefully folded it up, just as Stede had done the night of the party, and his words echoed in his mind.
You wear fine things well.
He didn’t feel he deserved fine things, not when the Kraken had done so much damage, but he tucked it away all the same, holding it close to his chest.
"What happens now?" Stede asked with a soft sigh.
"Now…" Ed breathed and turned his head as he looked out to the sea. Somewhere nearby was the Revenge and Stede’s new vessel, carrying each of their respective crews. He knew he had to face them now. Face the consequences of his actions with Stede’s crew and face his own, who expected the Kraken, and not Edward Teach.
The gentle breeze tousled his hair and he closed his eyes. A shiver rolled through him and he then looked at Stede, gazing back at him with anticipation and such gentle love.
Summary: An Alternate Scene of the dock scene in 1x09.
His feet were moving, carrying him toward the sound instantly. He relied on his instincts, the feeling deep within that told him that Stede was in danger and needed to get to him.
Notes: I'm sure this has been done plenty of times but I just watched the show for the first time and got all the feels and wanted to write a little fix it for them. Likes and Comments always appreciated! Hope you enjoy!
Read on A03
Ed broke through the brush, his heart racing, adrenaline coursing through his veins. He always enjoyed the thrill of a good escape, and the thought of having Stede waiting for him, being with him, only heightened the thrill.
As he bounded toward the dinghy waiting for him, it took him a few seconds to realize that he was alone.
"Stede?” his head whipped around, searching from where he just came, wondering if Stede was taking cover in the dark leaves.
His eyes trailed the sand beside the dock and his heart sank as he realized how quiet it was.
"Stede?” he called out again, hoping the man was nearby but the only sound that reached his ears was the lapping of waves against the dock.
He felt an uncomfortable twisting in the pit of his stomach, a thickness in his throat, his eyes still darting frantically in the darkness, hoping for the best but fearing the worst.
Soon enough he came to the horrid realization.
Stede wasn't there.
He had given Stede the head start and anticipated meeting him there, hopping into the boat and rowing away, hopefully getting miles out to sea before the British knew they were gone.
But as the seconds ticked by, there was still no sign of Stede.
It had been hours but he could still feel the tingle of warmth on his lips from when he had kissed Stede. From when Stede had kissed him back, looked at him with awestruck admiration, told him he made him just as happy as he made Ed, and then agreed to run away together.
His head whipped around, his heart leaping into his throat as the unmistakable sound of gunfire split the quiet night sky, followed then by a more faint scream.
Stede.
He had been around the man long enough to know his noises - to recognize his voice whether he was talking, humming, groaning or screaming.
His feet were moving, carrying him toward the sound instantly. He relied on his instincts, the feeling deep within that told him that Stede was in danger and needed to get to him.
From the moment he first laid eyes on Stede Bonnet, pale faced and bleeding at his feet, he knew he would do anything to protect him.
Wild branches scratched his skin as he pushed through the brush but was consumed by nothing but the pounding of his heart.
He felt he was running for far too long before he finally came to a small break in the brush and came to a sudden halt at the sight before him.
There was a man face down on the ground and for a brief, heart stopping moment he thought it was Stede until he saw the back of the man's head was most certainly not the blonde mop of hair he came to adore so much.
His eyes trailed from the motionless body on the ground to where he finally found Stede, backed up against a tree, his hand covering his anguished face.
Ed pushed aside his brief relief at the sight of him alive, and his brow furrowed as he glanced down at the body.
"Stede?"
The gun had been discarded next to the body and Ed slowly walked around it, moving towards Stede.
Ed's eyes widened slightly as the man's identity became clear to him.
He couldn't help but feel a little relieved that the man was dead and wouldn't be able to come after them, but glancing back at Stede the unsettling feeling came back to him.
The look in Stedes eyes was heart wrenching. He had seen Stede frightened before, the Gentleman Pirate was often startled by violence and bloodshed, but he had never seen anything like that look.
“What happened?' Ed asked finally as Stede’s continued silence. It seemed far too unlike Stede to kill a man, even if he was in danger.
"He tripped." Stede said, his voice strained and distant and Ed stifled a small laugh.
Yes, that was much more likely to happen with Stede.
"He was going to kill me." Stede continued and the trace of a smile fell immediately from Ed's face. Stede's face pulled into a heart breaking grimace, his eyes crinkling in evident pain, his lips quivering.
"Perhaps he was right to do so." His voice was so low, breaking barely above a whisper.
Ed's heart plummeted and he surged forward, reaching out and grabbing a hold of Stede’s arm. Stede briefly startled, his eyes widening, his body tensing.
"What are you saying, man?"
Stede avoided his gaze, slowly shaking his head. "I have ruined everything."
Even in the darkness, he could see the tears start to fill Stede’s eyes and Ed's grip tightened on his bicep.
Stede took a shaky breath and bowed his head, closing his eyes tightly. "I'm sorry, Ed."
"For what, mate? You got nothing to be sorry for."
Stede scoffed and his eyes lifted to meet him. "I ruined you."
Ed furrowed his brow. "What are you talking about? You didn't…"
"The most fearsome pirate to ever live." Stede cut him off and it hurt to hear the bitter, remorseful tone in his voice. "And look where you are now."
Ed frowned and opened his mouth to reply but Stede kept talking, growing more and more frantic with each word.
"You're here, a prisoner of the crown, without a ship, without a crew, without your beard. You're Blackbeard! A-and you've given it all up for me and I don't deserve it, you don't deserve that…"
Ed silenced him by grabbing his face on his hands and forcing Stede to look at him. Their eyes met and Stede’s breath caught, his eyes wide, his lips parted and damn if Ed didn't want to kiss that look off his face.
"You haven't ruined me." He said definitively.
Stede made a small noise of protest in the back of his throat.
"No, Stede, listen.” Ed continued.” You haven't ruined anything… not for me. You made my life better than it has been in years. Did you not hear a word I said earlier? Because I meant every fucking word. I don't want to be Blackbeard anymore. I am not Blackbeard anymore. I don't care about any of that. I did what I did because I wanted to, and I'd do it again and again, for you because you are what I want."
His hands slid down Stede’s neck, then bunched the collar in his hands and Stede swallowed hard.
"You make me happy and I want nothing more than to leave this fucking place and find something new…with you. I thought that's what you wanted too."
A flurry of emotions crossed Stede's eyes. Guilt, despair, adoration, fleeting hope, and then anguish.
"I do…god, I do want it, Ed but I can't…" His jaw tightened and he averted his gaze, shifting uncomfortably in Ed's hold.
Ed frowned and loosened his grip on his shirt but he said nothing as he waited for Stede to finish his thought.
Stede closed his eyes for a few long seconds, inhaled deeply and released it sharply.
"I must return home."
Ed’s eyes narrowed slightly. "To the Revenge?"
Stede’s jaw tightened, his head twitching.
"To Mary."
"Oh.” Ed whispered. “Oh I see."
"No-no…no…" Stede’s hands came up, stopping Ed with his hands on his as he started to pull away. "I don't think you do." His eyes were guilt- ridden but desperate and pleading.
"Badminton spoke of you, of what I had done to you, but also what I had done to Mary and the truth is…” He let out a heavy but resolved breath, “he was right."
"Stede…"
"If not about you, then definitely about Mary. I was a coward in the way I left her and the children. They deserve better than that. Mary believes me to be dead, or perhaps worse, she is the one who reported me to be dead. Either way, I need to go to her…to clear the air."
"To clear the air." Ed repeated slowly, studying Stede’s face.
Stede nodded once. "To make things right. So I…" he let out a shaky sigh and looked down. "I can't go with you.."
Stede’s shoulders shrunk and he began to pull away, his hands slowly sliding off of Ed’s.
Ed grabbed his hands, stilling him. "Then I will go with you." He answered easily.
Stede's eyes snapped up, wide with surprise. "What?"
Ed's eyes stayed focused intently on his and he stepped in closer, closing what little distance was between them, so their chests were nearly touching and they could feel each other's warmth.
"I'll come with you. If you want me to…" he added on with a small shrug. "You go and fix what you need to with Mary but then…" he raised an eyebrow with a small, cautious smile, his heart reaching out, pleading with the man. "We figure out what comes next, after. And I'll be with you the whole way through."
"You'd do that?” Stede’s voice squeaked and Ed felt his heart melting if it could. “For me?"
His lips twitched up even more and his hands slid up his neck again, now cradling the back of his head. "I'd follow you anywhere, Stede Bonnet."
Stede’s breath hitched and his eyes flickered down where his hands now rested on Ed's chest and he could feel Ed's strong and fast heart beat.
"It may be a bit of a disaster…" Stede tried to protest, albeit weakly, his resolve weakening as he melted into him.
"Mate, my whole fucking life is a disaster, wouldn't be anything new."
Stede scoffed a small laugh and met his eyes again. Ed brushed a thumb against his jaw line and Stede released a breath.
"Only thing is now I've got you.” Ed said, his voice softening. “Think we've got each other now. Co-captains, yeah?"
"Captains without a ship?" Stede asked, his voice low but also faintly hopeful.
Ed pressed his lips together, thinking for a second and then coming back with, "Partners then."
His heart pounded, his stomach flipping as he said the words and waited with baited breath for Stede’s response. He'd never had a partner, never had someone he wanted to share every day with.
All until Stede fucking bonnet.
Stedes eyes searched his, looking for any sign of deceit, or uncertainty but Ed had never been so certain of something in his entire life.
Stede was uncertain, that much was clear, but just as Stede had once reassured him that he was not a terrible person, and he was worthy of friendship, and more, Ed would spend the rest of his days proving that to Stede if that's what it took.
The light that he adored so much, that had been missing in this conversation, slowly started to return to Stedes eyes.
"Ed…you don't have to.." Stede was giving him one last out but he wasn't going to take it. He closed his eyes and leaned forward pressing his forehead to Stede’s and Stede’s body lifted in the force of his gasp, pushing further into him.
Ed's hands curled into his hair and held him tightly and gently all at once. "I want to." His nose bumped against Stedes and a shiver rolled down his spine as he felt Stede’s warm breath against his lips.
"Don't push me away." Ed whispered, a quiet plea, and his lips brushed lightly against Stede’s.
A small whine escaped Stedes throat, his lips quivering, a feather light brush against his own.
He could practically feel Stede’s smile, felt him relax a little against him and Stede’s hands slid up his chest, his fingers grazing the bare skin of his neck.
"Partners then." Stede echoed, his voice quiet but assured.
Ed pulled back slightly to look down at Stede and a flood of warmth pooled in his belly at the look in his eyes. Warm, familiar, still unsure yes, but so full of love.
He surged forward, unable to resist any longer, and his mouth fully met Stede’s. This kiss was more intense than the first, but still gentle. Stede was not so hesitant as before, not so surprised, and his hands gripped onto Ed’s shoulders pulling them even closer.
"We gotta get out of here." Ed said quickly, a little out of breath, his heart racing as he reluctantly began to pull away.
Stede's face slackened as he came to reality and he looked around. "Right.” He breathed. “Be a shame to get caught after all that."
Ed smirked and raised one brow as his hands dropped from his head but immediately went for Stede’s.
Stede looked at him, his fingers entwined with his and he took a resolved breath and nodded once.
Then without another glance behind them, or the body still in the ground, they surged forward, together, hand in hand.
summary: Loki shows up with a sly grin and a Tempad. Loki has a few surprises for Mobius. (A slightly future-fic).
Notes: This is pure fluff. That's all.
Read on A03
Loki was positively giddy with excitement, practically bouncing on his toes as he stood before Mobius, his mouth pulled in a mischievous grin.
Loki always had a look like he was up to something but there was something in his eyes that told Mobius Loki definitely had done something.
He first knew something was up when he woke up and Loki wasn't beside him.
They had spent every single night together since their return and it was always Mobius who was out of bed first. Old habits die hard, after all.
For who knows how long, he was used to waking up, getting ready and going to work. Even though there was no more TVA, even though there were no missions to go on, no Variants to hunt, he still found himself going through his routine.
Only now his routine now included coaxing the God of Mischief out of bed.
However when he woke up that day, he awoke to the aroma of already brewing coffee - something he always did himself because Loki didn't drink it - and his bed partner missing.
In fact the little apartment was missing any trace of Loki, save for a, very vague, little handwritten note next to his coffee and breakfast.
He felt a little strange stirring in his gut but it wasn't as if he didn't trust Loki, he trusted him implicitly. He knew Loki would never simply just leave but he was insanely curious about what his partner was up to. With Loki it could have been anything and he really hoped it wouldn't end in some sort of mess.
He had put the thought out of his head as much as he could, though admittedly he did notice Loki's absence.
He had continued on with his day: He sat in Ravonna’s old office, their daily task nowadays, as they searched through all of her files, trying to gage some semblance of how she ran the TVA and how they could change it moving forward.
Eventually Loki showed up, popping his head into the office to say hello before he disappeared again before Mobius could even ask where he'd been.
He was half tempted to run after him, follow him, but Loki seemed too happy to be hiding his little secret, so Mobius let him. He knew Loki would tell him eventually but the anticipation was gnawing at him.
It had to have been a couple of hours before Loki showed up again, with a sly grin and a Tempad.
Mobius closed the folder he was looking at, actually a little relieved that the look on Loki's face meant he wouldn't be working any more that day.
He leaned forward, a small smile on his lips and his brow raised inquisitively.
"Where exactly are we going with that?"
He shouldn't have been surprised, and he wasn't really, when Loki shook his head.
"No questions. Just put that all away and come…” Loki extended his hand out toward him, his eyes lit up and inviting.
It wasn't that long ago when he had taken Loki on a surprise visit to see his brother. A visit that had ended very well for them.
He should have expected that Loki might one day return the favor.
His heart leapt in sudden anticipation. He didn't have a Thor and he wondered what Loki may have considered his equivalent to be.
Finding Loki's smile ever infectious, he smiled and walked around the desk, leaving it all behind as he placed his hand into Loki's.
He gave Loki one last questioning look and Loki only winked at him and then opened up a time door.
The first thing that he noticed as they walked through was the smell of seawater. It washed over him and dove deep inside him to bring to the surface the long hidden memories.
Sylvie had shown him who he was before the TVA but he chose not to spend too much time dwelling on the person that he used to be. There was no going back to that life, and as happy as he seemed to be in his old life, he didn't mind where his life was heading.
He stepped completely through the time door and his breath was stolen as he laid eyes on the most beautiful beach he had ever seen.
There seemed to be stretches of sand and crystal clear blue waters for miles, with only the silhouette of mountains in the distance.
The heat hit him instantaneously and it felt familiar and comforting. He closed his eyes and tilted his head up, taking in a deep breath as a gentle, warm breeze whipped past him, bringing with it a salty and somehow sweet aroma.
His lips pulled into a smile without him even realizing it as he tilted his head towards the sun, soaking up the warmth.
He let out a quiet gasp as the clothing that had been covering his arms and legs suddenly disappeared and he felt the sea breeze against his bare skin.
He looked down and found his suit and tie had been replaced with board shorts and a t-shirt. Even his shoes were gone and he felt the warm, soft sand beneath his feet. His toes instinct stretched out into the sand and his smile grew.
He placed his hands on his chest, feeling the new yet nostalgically familiar material. He remembered Standard Timeline Mobius wore many t-shirts and wet shirts, essentially in his younger years.
He then looked over at Loki, who was grinning at him, looking very pleased with himself. Loki himself had also changed and he wondered how in the hell he managed to look so elegant even in swim trunks.
"You couldn't very well be on the beach with a suit on, Mobius." Loki said in a way of explanation. "And I couldn't ask you to change to ruin the surprise."
Mobius hummed with a smirk. "Sure. Just another opportunity to get me out of my clothes."
Loki grinned wickedly and his eyes trailed over Mobius' form.
"Oh that will come later." His voice was a low rumble and his eyes danced in a fiery desire.
Mobius felt strangely undressed which was ridiculous because he had been completely naked in front of Loki, walked around in his underwear in front of Loki, and had done very many things with Loki he had never done with anyone else.
Still he felt a flush burning on his cheeks and cleared his throat, pushing away the familiar stirring deep in his belly.
"What are we doing here Loki?" He asked, changing the subject. "Where is here, anyway?"
"I know you said you didn't want to look back." Loki said, coming up to stand beside him, suddenly serious. "And I respect that. So we are not anywhere near where you might think we are. In fact, this isn't even Earth."
Mobius brow shot up and he looked back out to the blue-green ocean crashing in gentle waves against white sand.
He kneeled down to scoop up a pile of sand into his hand. As it sifted through his fingers he noticed the unnatural softness that no Earth beach he had known had ever had.
"Then where…?" He looked back up.
"Did you know that humans eventually get off their little Rock and explore space?"
"Of course I know that." Mobius remarked. "Former Time Agent?"
Loki ignored him. "And did you know that they found a planet that was almost identical to Earth? And they tried to colonize the planet, and successfully did so for a few hundred years until an apocalyptic event wiped out every last one of them…"
"Apocalyptic event…" Mobius nodded, now knowing exactly how Loki had found this place.
"My speciality." He grinned. "I saw that although human life had been eradicated, the planet itself remained intact. Perfect even!"
Mobius rubbed at his mustache and his eyes scanned the area. "And it's safe? To be here?"
"Would I take you anywhere dangerous?"
Mobius looked back at him with a raised eyebrow and Loki sighed..
"On purpose?" He added and Mobius held back a small laugh but allowed a small smirk and shook his head.
"Yes of course it's safe to be here." Loki assured. "I do rather like you, you know and would prefer to keep you alive.”
"That's comforting." Mobius said with a smile.
There was a sudden twinkle of bright light behind Loki that drew his attention. He squinted his eyes against it and then shifted a bit to the right to see behind Loki and his eyes widened and his jaw went slack.
Down the beach sat such a large and beautiful piece of architecture he couldn't believe he hadn't noticed it before.
Two large golden spires shot up into the sky, glittering in the sun, connected to an equally as magnificent small palace in shining gold and blazes of emerald.
"Do you like it?" Loki's voice was low at his ear and he jumped, startled by how close he was.
He whirled around and Loki quickly dodged getting smacked by his head.
"Did you do that?" He asked in wonder and Loki grinned proudly.
"Oh yes." He flexed out his arms and wiggled his fingers. "I've used magic to create many things but this, by far, has been the most gratifying.”
Mobius gaped at him in awe and then stole a glance back to the palace. Modest in size, in comparison to what he could remember from footage of Asgard and what Loki had grown up in, but still very Loki.
It was then he noticed that in front of the palace sat a very modest looking beach house. Something that would have been found on Earth, something he might have lived in had he not deviated from his timeline, and his heart soared.
"You did that too." It wasn't a question and he smiled as he felt Loki's hand on his shoulder.
"I thought we could use a place to get away every once in a while. We can't live solely in the TVA and this…" he used his other hand to gesture to their surroundings.
"Uninhabited by any other beings, just you and me…"
A shiver rolled down Mobius’ spine as he felt Loki’s breath against his ear and then his mouth brushing a gentle kiss to his neck.
Mobius never pictured himself in a palace- he always had the most boring, mundane life imaginable and that was the way he liked it.
And sometimes he forgot that his Loki was a prince and though many things had changed for Loki, his preference in living had not. The TVA would never have been a sustainable living place for Loki, even if Mobius was there to make it as comfortable for him as possible.
Loki needed this escape, and he had built it, with both of them in mind.
Mobius turned his head to meet his gaze and he hoped Loki could see in his eyes how much he meant his words. "You're amazing, you know that?"
Loki's eyes lit up, for a moment in pure bliss only then to be replaced by his usual smugness. "Of course."
Mobius shook his head with a lazy, affectionate smile and brought his hand to his cheek.
“You truly like it?” Loki asked, clearly proud of his work but longing for Mobius’ approval as well.
Mobius' smile widened and he pressed a small, soft kiss to his lips.
"I love it."
The more he stared at it, the more he could picture it - a future there, their future there and his heart warmed.
Mobius took a step toward the house, his interest growing when Loki grabbed his hand, stopping him.
"Before you go in there…" Loki's eyes were alight with delight and he lifted his other arm, motioning towards the water. "There's something else I want to show you."
There was a small dock that stretched out into the ocean from the beach and something tied against it, bobbing in the water.
He squinted against the sun and distance and then his eyes widened in realization.
"A jet ski."
His heart leapt in a child-like excitement he didn't know he could feel anymore. It pooled inside of him and he turned to Loki, a wide smile forming on his lips and a laugh burst from his mouth.
"You got a jet ski."
"I got a jet ski!" Loki said with a proud grin.
Mobius took a moment to process the information and the giddy excitement rolled through him.
Then his more rational mind decided to kick in and he gave an inquisitive look to Loki.
"If we aren't on Earth, where did you get this?"
Loki's grin was wide, mischievous and completely unapologetic. "It's from Earth. I just simply borrowed it."
"You mean you stole it." Mobius raised his brow.
Loki shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sure they wouldn't miss one little…"
He was cut off when Mobius squeezed his hand and leaned up, pressing an affectionate kiss to his cheek.
"Thank you."
The answering smile from Loki was worth more than the price of any stolen jet ski.
With a giddy spring in his step, Mobius let go of Loki and headed down towards the dock.
"Wow." He muttered, his eyes wide as he kneeled beside the jet ski. It was exactly as the picture in the magazine had advertised and even more magnificent as it rocked back and forth in the gentle waves of the ocean.
He felt Loki approaching him from behind.
"It is quite a remarkable machine."
Mobius nodded as he continued to stare in awe. "Isn't it though?" He reached out to touch the edge of the handle bar, the only part he could reach from his current position.
His fingers gripped around the edge and a smile split across his face as it fully sunk in that all of it was real.
He pushed himself to his feet and spun around to face Loki, who was watching him
Mobius beamed up at him, glowing not only in joy but also from the sun beating down on them. "I appreciate you doing this for me."
"I care about people sometimes." Loki said off-handedly.
"I think you care about people a lot."
"Some more than others." He answered with a knowing, affectionate twinkle in his eyes, and then he added, "I want you to be happy."
"I am." He assured with a smile, reaching for Loki’s hand. "Even without this. But this is definitely a plus.”
Loki returned a smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
"Come with me." Mobius said with a grin and tugged at Loki’s hand.
Loki chuckled quietly and motioned to himself. “Why else do you think I am dressed in this ridiculous outfit?”
Mobius pursed his lips and raked his gaze over him and the last word he’d use to describe him was ridiculous.
“It’s not ridiculous.” He countered in exasperation and looked back up at him. “But thank you.”
“I don’t believe I have ever worn anything like this in my life.”
Mobius pressed his brow. “Surely you’ve gone swimming before.”
“Of course I have - the water is a very tranquil and entertaining place to be.”
“And you went in fully dressed?” Mobius asked skeptically and he knew Loki’s answer by his wicked grin.
“Oh no...I went in fully undressed.”
Mobius’ chest tightened and that familiar warmth pooled in his belly and he couldn’t help his eyes trailing downward, already picturing the tall, beautiful form, naked and lounging in a crystal clear body of water.
His sudden dry mouth had nothing to do with the heat and it was Loki’s laugh that reminded him to breathe.
“Later.” Loki promised, leaning in to where the lips just barely touched.
He let out a breath following Loki with his head as he pulled away, walking past him towards the jet ski.
Mobius shook off the thoughts with a small shake of his head. He needed to get into the cold water and quickly.
As they stood before the jet ski, Loki waved his hand and Mobius was then surrounded by a snug green life vest.
Mobius looked back up at him and raised his brow expectantly at Loki’s lack of one.
Loki rolled his eyes, catching his thoughts without him saying it. “I’m a god Mobius.”
Mobius frowned at him and took a step toward him. “One who I’ve seen bleed far too many times so don’t you dare try to claim invincibility.”
Loki’s lips tightened and his eyes narrowed and Mobius stared back at him.
Loki finally let out a relenting sigh and with a slight roll of his eyes, an identical life jacket suddenly appeared on him.
“Happy?”
Mobius’ lips twitched up and he patted Loki’s chest, eyes meeting his in amusement. “Extremely.”
Loki shook his head. “Ridiculous.” He muttered under his breath and Mobius ignored him instead turning to the jet ski with an excited grin.
He carefully maneuvered himself on top of it and placed his hands on the handlebars, gripping onto them and feeling out all the controls.
Loki slid onto the small seat behind Mobius, wrapping his arms around his middle. "Do you have any idea what you're doing?"
Mobius grinned over his shoulder. "Not a clue. Guess we're gonna figure it out."
He had read the magazines, and admittedly a manual or two, but being on one was something else entirely.
He bit his lip, his face scrunching in concentration as he tried to work out how to turn the thing on. He finally spotted the key in the ignition and turned it and the engine roared to life.
“Hang on!” He called to Loki and Loki barely had time to respond before he turned them away from the dock and out into the ocean.
They started off a little slow, as Mobius got a hang of how to steer and control the machine, but soon they were tearing through the water at high speeds.
"Moby...don't you think you should slow down a little bit?"
Loki eyed the approaching wave already starting to foam due to the circles Mobius had them doing.
"Where's the fun in that?" Mobius called back over the roar of the sea and the engines.
"I'm all for fun but I'd also prefer to keep us in one piece!"
"Quit your worrying! I thought you were invincible!”
“Shut up.” Loki growled at his ear and Mobius laughed and Loki closed his eyes and pressed his cheek into Mobius' back as they hit the waves and the jet ski went flying through the air.
Mobius let out a whoop of joy and Loki squeezed onto him tightly.
They landed back onto the water with a large splash, water spraying and soaking them both.
The landing had slowed them down a little, Mobius loosening his grip on the gas while they were in the air and was laughing as they sailed through the water.
Loki opened his eyes again, water droplets dripping from his hair, down his face and he released a breath.
"I hate you."
Mobius laughed harder, leaning back against him as they stalled on the water for a minute. "No you don't!"
He turned his head to look back at him, blue eyes bright and lit with joy and Loki’s face softened.
“You loved that.” Mobius said with a grin.
“It was rather thrilling.” Loki agreed and Mobius turned back around, leaning his body forward.
“Good, because we’re not done yet.”
Their adventure on the water continued for a while, hitting waves, both smiling and laughing with every turn.
Mobius eventually, reluctantly, guided them back to the dock. In theory, he could have been out there all day, but his body could not keep up, and the jet ski could only run for so long.
The smile seemed permanently etched on his face as they pulled back into the dock. Loki was the first one off and then helped him up.
Loki flipped his hair, sending water flying and Mobius flinched as the water droplets hit him across the face.
Despite looking just a little bit like a drowned rat, Mobius couldn't help but admire Loki. His skin was usually pale and looked even more so under the bright sun and his dark wet hair framing his face.
Yet Mobius couldn't stop his gaze from following every drop of water that rolled down his face, down his neck and towards his chest.
"You aren't going to magic yourself dry this time?" Mobius asked, watching him as he discarded the life vest he made him wear, revealing the shirt that was soaked tight to his skin.
Loki combed his wet, messy hair away from his face and flashed him a smile.
"Don't know if you've noticed, Moby, we are at a beach. This is where we are meant to be wet."
Loki stepped toward him and his breath caught. Every once in a whole he was reminded that Loki was an actual God and especially so in that moment as his tall frame sauntered toward him.
He let out the breath he was holding as Loki stopped in front of him and reached out to cradle his head in his hands.
He let out a small moan as Loki's long fingers then combed through his own hair, extracting the excess which rolled down the sides of his face and back.
He had let his hair grow during the war, after all who has time for a haircut through all of that. He had initially planned on cutting it back to his standard style once they were settled but a compliment from Loki on the length of his hair kept him from doing so. He had trimmed it, cutting away all the stragglers but his hair was now longer than he could ever recall it being, and Loki absolutely loved to have his hands in it, and he loved having Loki's hands in it.
“Besides,” He shuddered as Loki’s hands settled at the base of his neck, securing him in place, “there are better ways to dry off.”
His eyes met Loki’s for a second and Loki grinned wickedly at him before his lips came down hard upon his and Mobius was lost.
---
Mobius had his head rested against Loki's shoulder, feeling completely and utterly relaxed.
The air around them had cooled with the setting of the sun but his skin still felt warm and sun-kissed.
A few hours ago, his face buried in TVA nonsense, he couldn't have imagined being so relaxed but Loki had found exactly what he needed.
He turned his head, brushing his lips against Loki's chest in a small gesture of his affection and gratitude.
Loki answered by squeezing him gently, drawing him closer.
If you had told him not too long ago that one day he'd be snuggled on a beach side cottage palace with a Loki variant he would have called you insane.
Yet he couldn't imagine his life any differently now. He had found his place and remarkably found his home in the God of mischief.
Mobius could barely keep his eyes open, between the stress of the decisions about the future of the TVA, the exhausting but increasingly fun excursion on the jet ski and a little more fun on the beach, and then again in the absolutely glorious bedroom Loki had created for them and the absolute feeling of peace that surrounded them.
He started to drift off, his eyes closing as he gave into the relaxing surroundings - the solid form of Loki beneath him, the cool breeze off the ocean, the slight warmth from the sun, and the slightly strange but still calming scent of a non-Earth beach.
He swore he must have fallen asleep and started dreaming because as they sat there, amongst all the sounds, he heard a faint, soft, gentle whisper.
I love you.
"I love you too." An automatic response in his drowsy state and he leaned in closer to Loki's chest.
It was only then he realized that the words had been accompanied by the soft caress of Loki’s breath against his hair and the soft rumble of his voice in his chest.
He was suddenly alert and lifted his head to meet Loki's gaze, full of faint trepidation, vulnerability and adoration.
He knew then that it hadn't been a dream and he hadn't imagined it.
His heart skipped a beat. He had not been expecting Loki to say anything, not so soon, and knowing that Loki felt anything at all for him was enough.
A small smile pulled at the corners of his mouth and Loki instantly responded with a small, relieved smile of his own.
"You once told me that I deserved to be told that I was loved." Loki said, his voice quiet. "You deserve that too."
His expression softened as did his heart and Loki's hand moved to his cheek.
"All of this is entirely new to me.” He continued and Mobius watched him with apt attention and adoration. “I've never had it with anyone, never really wanted it with anyone." He moved his hand down to Mobius' chest and leaned in until their foreheads touched. Loki closed his eyes but Mobius kept his open, observing as much as he could of Loki's expressions. He needed to take in every bit of this priceless moment.
"You changed everything.” Loki whispered. “You saw me like no one else ever even tried to. You accept me, respect me, love me. For what feels like the first time I can enjoy my life and enjoy being myself."
Mobius remained silent - he knew how difficult it was for Loki and let him talk through his own feelings.
Loki then pulled back to look him in the eyes. "And you," he smiled softly as he shook his head, "dear Mobius, are worth everything to me. Right from the start you knew exactly how to get through to me, and I know how I can be, so stubborn and standoffish and down right cruel sometimes."
Mobiua opened his mouth to refute that with a small shake of his head but he was met with Loki's finger against his lips.
"Don't say anything. I know who I used to be and I know who I am now and who I want to be because of you. You're patient, and understanding and brave and kind and so full of spirit that I admire tremendously. You showed me what love was when it had been so foreign, so out of my grasp and unreachable, unattainable I couldn't even begin to comprehend it, simply by being yourself."
Mobius had thought the day had been perfect and couldn’t have been any more perfect but he was wrong. This was his favorite thing to happen that day and many wonderful things had happened that day.
"I'm going to make mistakes, probably really stupid ones, but I never want to hurt you, Mobius. I want to see this smile on your face all of the time…"
Mobius could feel his smile growing and Loki once again touched his cheek and he pressed a feather light kiss to the palm of his hand.
"...and I want to be the one putting it there.”
Loki let out a heavy breath, his shoulders heaving like he was relieved of a weight off his chest. Then he scoffed slightly and shook his head, “Forgive this incredibly sentimental speech but I needed you to know."
He raised his hand to cover Loki's. "Hey, you never have to be afraid to talk to me about anything, especially this. If something is on your mind, on your heart, I want to hear it."
Loki's lips twitched up. "Well...as I've said it's not something I am used to doing or have ever been comfortable doing but you make it all so much easier."
"Anything. Anytime." Mobius reiterated, promised, and squeezed Loki’s hand.
He leaned in towards Loki, glancing down at his lips but held himself back, allowing Loki to make the move.
And make the move, Loki did. He pulled him in for a gentle but passionate kiss that Mobius felt down to his toes.
"Thank you for opening your heart to me." Mobius whispered against his lips before Loki brought him in again.
The kiss was lazy, languid, gentle, reflecting the atmosphere of their environment.
"Thank you for allowing me in." Loki answered, his voice just as soft.
Mobius pressed one last soft kiss to his lips and then moved downward, resting his cheek over Loki's heart. He could feel it loud and fast against his ear. He covered it physically as he always would metaphorically - he'd guard, protect and care for this man's heart with everything he was, forever.
Lokius fic prompt (cause I already have 4 in the works that I need to finish, whoops.)
It’s our Mobius in the finale and he knows who Loki is but has to pretend his memory has been wiped cause they’re being watched. Cue secret rendezvous in the library stacks and an elaborate escape plan.
Pairings / Characters: Robin / Regina. With appearances from Henry, Lucy, Alice, Robin (Jr) and Zelena.
Summary: After her coronation, Regina gets one last surprise and a family once more is complete.
Notes: While I am glad that Robin was in the finale, I think they could have somehow brought him back and this is my take on it. Please enjoy!
Read on Fanfiction
Read on A03
Regina stepped out through the glass doors, a wave of relief washing over her as she left the noise of the celebration behind her and stepped into the peaceful silence of the warm evening air.
Over the years she has felt a large range of emotions - love, grief, rage, hate, joy - but none seemed to measure up to what she felt that day.
Pairings / Characters: Neal/Emma, Snow/Charming, Henry/Ella, Regina/Robin plus a few other familiar names.
Summary: A canon-divergence after mid-season 3. Neal discovers what home really means.
Notes: This is a mostly a complete overhaul of everything that happened in the show since they decided to kill Neal off….starting with keeping him alive. There will be certain elements of canon that will remain, including some events and characters from later seasons.
Neal turned the small bean over and over again in his right palm.
He knew it was only a matter of time that his world would have to change again. That was just the way his life worked - constantly moving from one place to another just as he thought he found a home.
The years seemed to go by like seconds. When one has lived for hundreds of years time tends to do that. Still, he thought he might have finally, at long last, found some normalcy and permanence.
The last place he expected it to be was the magical, previously cursed town where his father lived.
Hello @awesomeeyeroll, I am your secret santa for @moghraidhjamie‘s Outlander Secret Santa 2017! I really hope you enjoy this! This is my first (posted) attempt at writing Outlander and I really had fun with it! Because you requested anything with Jamie and Claire I hope you are alright with what I have chosen to write. It is something that I have been wanting to write for a while and this challenge finally gave me the push to do it.
It is an AU where Faith lives and Claire has not gone back through the stones. Culloden has happened but neither Claire nor Jamie were a part of it. This is basically just a happy family moment at Lallybroch we should have gotten without that pesky history getting in the way ;)
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Without further ado…
———————————————————————————————————–
Five Years
Claire gently awoke to warmth and contentment. The firm, warm body of her husband pressed against her back.
She could feel the sunlight seeping in through the windows, trying to fully rouse her. She promptly ignored it’s pleas and wiggled herself further against Jamie- who by the sound of his breathing and lack of response, had not also been awoken.
It was days like these that she could not get enough of. If it were up to her she would spend forever in Jamie’s embrace and was content to at least spend a little more time in his arms before the day began and would have…
Summary: AU Canon-divergent. Another disastrous holiday and two lonely boys who find each other.
Notes: A belated Thanksgiving themed story.
OR READ ON A03
Connor flopped onto his bed so hard it made the bed frame shake and hit the wall with a loud thud. He waited a second and then forcefully reached up to shove at the head and as it hit the wall, it made another loud thud and scraped a bit of paint off the wall.
He rolled on his side seething, shaking with the force of the rage building inside of him.
He replayed the scene that had happened just a minute ago over and over in his head like a bad movie he couldn’t turn off.
A fancy, bountiful meal his mother had worked literal days on. The dining room table set with the Good China and surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins who only bothered to show up once a year.
It wasn't really his fault - he had promised his pleading mother he would behave and he did or he tried to. He had kept quiet at the far end of the table, constantly keeping his eyes on his plate hoping to just be ignored.
Then Uncle Ben, his father's brother of course, had to be the one to attempt conversation with him. To ask him about school: “fine” and plans for college. He had none and everyone knew it. Connor had a retort ready about how college was a waste of time and money when his cousin, Perfect Boy - almost definitely receiving a full ride to one of the top schools in the nation - Joe made an offhand comment about how he'd just be majoring in drug use.
It had only escalated from there, ending with the horrified faces of his aunts and uncles, disappointment scrawled on the faces of his mother and Zoe, and a screaming match between him and Larry that the neighbors surely had heard.
He was out of his seat before he could really hear Larry's demand for him to leave.
He grabbed his pillow and shoved it over his head tightly. It wasn't long before the heat and lack of air started to suffocate him. He debated keeping it on but realized it wouldn't work. Instead he tossed his pillow across the room, it hit the desk and knocked several items to the floor in a clammer.
Now hot, sweaty and irritated he stalked over to the window and threw it open.
He let out a small gasp as a rush of cold air hit his dampened skin.
He closed his eyes, his fists curled at his sides, his breathing sharp and shallow as he took in the fresh air.
After a minute, and still feeling stifled in the ridiculous sweater his mom made him wear, he tore it off and threw it to the floor.
He was now only in an undershirt and the cold, brisk air felt good against his skin.
He glanced down, frowning at the various red marks on his arms. He tightened his hands into fists, his fingernails digging into his palm.
He growled under his breath and searched his messy room until he found his desired hoodie.
He roughly pulled it over his head and stalked back to the window. He had no interest in remaining in that house and knew he had to get out. The only question was his destination.
He knew where he wanted to go, where his first thought always was to go after an incident like this. A far corner of the park where boys like him went and got so high they almost forgot they weren't wanted by the families.
His body itched, ached, screamed for it - because it had been a surprisingly long time - and he had almost made up his mind when he spotted his phone sitting on his desk.
He stared at it a long while and then walked over to grab it.
He opened his contacts, his finger hovering over the one name that might have just been as miserable as he was.
He remembered the conversation he had had with a few of his classmates the day before school let out for break.
Alana had come over to ask everyone about their thanksgiving plans, after giving great detail about her own plans. Jared said it was only his parents and grandparents. Connor had rolled his eyes and grumbled about seeing his extended family and then all eyes had fallen on Evan.
He shifted nervously and explained that his mother usually had to work on thanksgiving and that he would be alone. Alana expressed her sympathies, Jared cracked a joke about what he could do on his own but gave his friend a slightly sympathetic look behind it, and Connor, though he wished he could have been alone, had started to see that Evan became uncomfortable in social situations, and probably wouldn't have enjoyed a huge thanksgiving meal a la the Murphy's, but the constant lack of his mother’s presence sat heavy on him.
Evan brushed it off with a shrug, saying it was no problem. Connor told him he would have invited him over to their dinner but didn't want to expose Evan to that kind of disaster. Evan had glanced at him kindly, sadly and thanked him for the thought anyway.
Remembering that look on Evan's face he finally decided and opened a text.
To: Evan
Is your mom still at work?
He sent the text and turned around to sit at the edge of his desk.
His fingers drummed impatiently against the wood but really it was only a minute before his phone vibrated and lit up with a new message.
From: Evan
Yes
Then, a few seconds later:
From: Evan
WHY?
SORRY
Why?
Evan, in his haste, often fat-fingered the keyboard and sent him capitalized text messages. Evan always followed it up with an apology and a correction but Connor found it amusing, almost endearing. It was an Evan Hansen quirk, one of his many, one that Evan probably berated himself for, but all together just made Evan, Evan.
To: Evan
I'm coming over
He didn't wait for Evan’s response and slipped the phone into his pocket. He knew Evan was alone and if he didn't go to Evan he would go elsewhere.
He pulled his hood over his head and slowly pulled open his door.
He could ear the muted sounds of his family attempting to reconcile their family dinner and scoffed. Continue on as if everything normal, as if Connor didn't even exist, which was par for the course really.
He continued to quietly sneak down the hall. Despite being tall, he was also thin and surprisingly stealthy and he had become an expert in slipping out right under his parents’ noses. He even had the added advantage of having the extra family over to provide distraction.
He only held his breath for a moment as he passed the dining room. He thought he might have seen Zoe catch his eye as he darted past. It was day to day whether Zoe cared enough to rat him out but after a few more steps and no disturbance from the room, if she did see him, she didn't say anything.
He was about to head straight for the door when he caught sight of something on the kitchen counter.
He smirked to himself as he slunk into the kitchen, grabbed it, stuffed it under his hoodie and then continued towards the door.
The front door was far enough from the dining room that they probably wouldn't have heard him anyway but Uncle Ben had just cracked a joke that had his aunt, cousin and Father laughing hysterically, allowing him to slip out the door completely undetected.
He felt a light vibration in his pocket and knew Evan had finally responded to him. He ignored it and instead started off towards his house.
The sun had been setting when he left and it was nearly dark by the time he reached Evan’s.
With nearly frozen fingers he knocked on the door. He barely had to knock twice before the door swung open.
The two boys stared at one another, Evan with slightly wide, inquisitive eyes.
Connor inched his way towards the open door, already feeling the heat from within. “You gonna let me in or just let me freeze to death?”
“Oh! Yeah, s-sorry…” he stepped aside and Connor stepped in through the door, nearly sighing in relief. He usually didn't mind the cold, prefered it actually but the temperature really had dropped as the sun disappeared and the cold bit at any exposed skin.
He looked around the small entrance hallway, completely dim, with only a light in one of the far rooms.
He lowered his hood and turned to Evan who had now closed the door. “See much, Hansen?”
Evan blinked at him. “W-what?”
“It's fucking dark ,dude.”
“Oh.” Evan looked around, seemingly noticing it for the first time and then shrugged. “Well it's just me so...I don't need the lights I guess.”
Connor preferred the darkness himself so he only nodded. Then he headed straight for the source of light and heard Evan following behind him.
It turned out to be the living room where Evan had set himself up for the evening. The tv was on low playing some nature documentary, his laptop and phone were on the table, beside what looked like a barely touched frozen pizza and a blanket tossed haphazardly across the couch cushions, where Evan had obviously made himself comfortable for the night.
Wordlessly, Connor entered the room and took immediately to the couch and plopped himself down onto it.
He looked up to find Evan in the doorway, watching him curiously, fiddling nervously with the hem of his shirt. Another Evan Hansen quirk.
“So, uh...what...what, uh happened? I mean… why are you here? Not that I don't want you…”
“My family fucking sucks, that's what happened.” Connor snapped, cutting off his rambling. “But no surprises there, right?”
Evan frowned and walked further into the room and then finally took a seat beside him on the couch.
“They didn't want me there and I didn't want to be there so…” Connor shrugged and then threw his arm over the armrest. “Here I am.”
Evan stared at him and then pressed his lips together. “S-sorry…”
Connor lifted his brow. “You've got nothing to be sorry for.”
His hands twitched on his lap. “No, I know, but thanksgiving is you know, a time for family or whatever so I'm just...sorry…”
Connor huffed. “Well fuck thanksgiving and fuck family. It's a stupid holiday anyway.”
Evan nodded slowly and glanced down at his hands. “Yeah...yeah it is.” He said quietly.
The pitiful loneliness in his voice almost wish he had invited Evan over or better yet, ditched his family hours ago to hang out here instead.
“I can see you really got into the holiday spirit too.” Connor motioned towards the pizza on the table. “Nothing like that good ol’ thanksgiving holiday frozen pizza.”
That finally got the intended results and a small smile tugged at Evans lips. “Yeah, well I can't make a turkey and Mom doesn't have time so…” He flapped his hand in the direction of the pizza.
“Turkey is lame.” Connor said and reached for a slice of the pizza, only then remembering the package he had slipped under his hoodie.
“Hey, I brought us something…” He removed the bottle from under his hoodie and placed it on the table.
Evan’s eyes widened as he leaned in toward it. “Is that….wine?”
With a smug smirk, Connor snatched a slice of pizza and relaxed back on the couch. “Yep, snatched it before I left. My aunt brought it over...it's imported from Italy or some shit. Really expensive and really pretentious.”
Evan eyed it warily, as if he had never seen a bottle of wine before in his life. He glanced up to Connor and flushed as Connor stared at him with an amused smirk.
“I, ah, never have had wine before.” Evan admitted a little shyly and Connor snorted past a mouthful of food. He swallowed, then said, “No shit, Hansen.” He grinned, the first real smile all week.
“You're about as clean as they come.” Evan’s brow shot up and they both suddenly remembered a dark night, just a few weeks ago, where Connor had a moment of weakness and so did Evan and they both confessed their little secrets - Evan had not fallen from the tree and the attempt on his life after the letter incident had not been Connor's first.
That night in fact had been a turning point in their friendship where they were not only just barely friendly but found an understanding and kinship with one another. Neither had ever opened up to someone that way before, because no one else would get it, but they held each other as they cried out their frustrations and desperations and feelings of utter failure and loneliness and hopelessness.
They didn't really speak about what had happened after that but they did become nearly inseparable, much to the confusion of everyone around them, Zoe and Jared in particular.
Connor quickly clarified, “Substance abuse wise.”
Evan’s brow furrowed and he straightened up almost defensively. “I mean...I’ve had alcohol. Jared had some, I don't...I don't remember what he said it was but, he made me try it...and it was...uh, cool?”
Connor sniggered quietly at the way Evan’s nose scrunched up. “You don't have to pretend to like alcohol. If you don't like it, you don't like it…” He shrugged and took another bite of pizza.
Evan’s shoulders relaxed. “It was pretty gross.” He admitted with a small smile and Connor smirked at him.
“It's not my drug of choice either but I figured why the hell not. Especially if it will piss off Larry. Wine is okay, especially the fancy stuff, you might like it.”
Evan glanced back at the bottle, his eyes narrowing as he scrutinized it, then coming to realize that it was only written in Italian.
“O-okay, I'll try it.”
Connor grinned and reached over and slapped Evan gently on the knee. “That's the spirit.”
Evan jumped, tensing momentarily at the sudden contact but then gave a shaky smile.
Connor shoved the rest of the pizza into his mouth and then hopped to his feet.
“Do you know where your mom hides the bottle opener?” Connor asked after he swallowed and started to head off towards the kitchen.
Evan followed him with his eyes and pointed towards the kitchen. “Yeah, it's uh.. in the drawer on the left, near the fridge.”
Connor froze and turned slowly around, his eyebrow twitching up. “In an open drawer near the fridge?”
Evan nodded and smiled a little sheepishly, understanding Connor’s look. “She uh, knows I don't drink so she doesn't have to hide it from me.”
“Jesus.” Connor ran a hand through his hair. “To live in your house Hansen…” He muttered and then disappeared around the corner, heading towards the kitchen.
He found the bottle opener exactly where Evan said it would be along with several bottles of wine and various other alcohols sitting freely atop the counter.
Connor scoffed and shook his head. The urge to snatch one was strong but he resisted - Evan was his friend and Heidi seemed to at least tolerate him - he couldn’t piss off the one family that might actually like him. He ignored the bottles and rifled through the cabinets until he found two glasses and then returned to Evan.
He returned to find Evan once again staring at the wine bottle, nervously running his hands together, his leg bouncing up and down.
“What's wrong?”
Evan helped and jumped, clearly not hearing his return. His hands flew apart and pressed down against the couch, his leg still bouncing as Connor approached with an inquisitive look.
“N-nothing!” Evan protested.
Connor gave him a skeptical look as he once again sat beside him on the couch. “You don't have to do this you know, it was just an idea…”
Evan’s eyes widened and he shook his head fervently, now running his hands against his thighs. “N-no, I want to! It's fine!” His voice squeaked and Connor stared, unconvinced. Evan shot him a further still unconvincing smile smile but started nodding fervently. “It's fine, it's fine.”
“Alright…” Connor set the two glasses down and then grabbed a hold of the bottle.
Evan jumped again as the cork popped but smiled as Connor glanced over to him. It was still not quite genuine but Connor could see the hint of excitement in his eyes.
Connor smirked to himself and grabbed one glass, filled it about halfway and handed it to Evan.
Evan accepted it and sniffed at it curiously while Connor poured his own glass.
His nose twitched at the aroma and Connor watched, enthralled and amused as Evan eased the glass to his lips and took a sip.
Evan coughed a little as the alcohol went down his throat and he stared at the wine glass, contemplating as he licked his lips.
“It's not too bad.” He decided, turning to Connor with a smile a moment later. “P-pretty good actually.”
Connor smirked. “Well how about that...we found Evan’s poison.”
He extended his own glass out towards Evan and Evan stared at it a moment before smiling again and reached up to clink against his.
“To expensive stolen wine, new vices and fucking thanksgiving.”
Connor then took a large sip of his own drink and settled back down against the couch.
Evan took another sip, a little more greedily but not quite as large as Connor’s and slowly relaxed back himself.
Connor could feel Evan’s eyes on him as he drank and finally lowered the glass down, narrowing his eyes slightly.
Evan caught his gaze and quickly looked down at his own glass and started to twist it gently between his hands.
His thumb traces circles along the glass and he looks into the swirling red liquid as Connor went for another slice of pizza.
“Connor...do you, uh, want to...talk about what happened?”
Connor froze, his hand on the crust of the pizza and a dark look crossed his features as he turned to Evan. “Why the hell would I want to do that?”
Evan shrunk into himself and Connor cursed himself for snapping at him but really, did he really have to bring it up?
“I-I don't know. Sorry, I just thought...well, my therapist says it helps to talk about it and... sorry I know that's stupid.”
Connor stared at him silently and Evan began to shift uncomfortably in his seat. He took another sip of wine and laughed, bitterly, and shook his head. “Sorry…”
Connor sighed and grabbed another slice of pizza before leaning back. “It's fine, Ev, I just don't want to talk about it.”
Evan looked up, his fingers tapping nervously against his glass and then slowly relaxed as he nodded. “O-okay, yeah, I get it.”
Connor continued to watch him quietly, slowly taking another bite of pizza. Evan shifted again under his intense stare but smiled softly.
Swallowing the cold pizza suddenly became hard against the sudden lump in his throat and Connor frowned.
He shifted his gaze ahead of him, staring at the wine bottle. The expensive wine bottle that seemed to mock him just by it's presence as a representation of everything everyone expected him to be, and everything he was not.
“My cousin is in asshole.” He said suddenly, sharply and Evan looked over to him, silent but listening.
He laughed bitterly. “I mean my whole family are assholes but he's an exceptionally large one. He spent the whole dinner bragging about himself, his beautiful girl, his fantastic grades, he's Fifth In His Class You Know,” he said with an exaggerated snooty accent that was so unexpected Evan snorted into his wine glass and despite himself, Connor had to smirk at his reaction.
It soon faded and he waited for Evan to compose himself before continuing with a sigh.
“He has the opportunity to go to any damn prestigious school he wants and everyone loves him and is so proud of him and you know whatever, it's fine, I'm used to his arrogance but then it came to me. And he basically said I would be nothing but a no good stoner for the rest of my life and, he's not wrong but…”
“Yes he is.” Evan’s voice was so quiet he barely heard it over his own slowly burning rage and self hatred but Evan’s voice did cut through like warm fire and he stopped and turned to him.
Evan stared at him seriously, inching closer.
“He is wrong, Connor. You’re-you’re not...that's not all..." Evan paused, pressing his lips together, finding frustration in searching for his words, “You are so much more than that.”
“Oh, really,” Connor scoffed, his face screwing up in self-loathing, “what am I?”
Evan suddenly grew nervous, using one hand to fiddle with the ends of his shirt. “You're smart.” He said and Connor laughed out loud, only quieting at Evan’s serious frown. “I know you are, Connor. We-we may have really only known each other for a few months but
...we’ve been going to school together for...for years and I've seen you and you know things! Like, uh,...like remember just last week in the library, you knew the answer to a math question that even Jared couldn't get.”
Connor’s brow furrowed and he frowned but said nothing. He did remember that and thought nothing of it. Well he thought Jared was an idiot but math had always come easy to him - he only failed classes because he didn’t do any of the work.
“And I know you care...about things and people, even though you don't like to show it. I mean...you’re the only one who seems to give a crap about me. And I've seen your, uh...doodles on your work at school and you’re very talented and...well...they’re stupid, okay? Your family I mean! They're just stupid and wrong about you and I think you're great so…” Evan finally trailed off and looked down and he rubbed his hands against his jeans.
Connor stared at him, his heart thudding painfully against his chest. That had to be one of the nicest things anyone had said to or about him in years.
I think you’re great.
Connor took a deep breath. Connor wasn't good with compliments. Giving or receiving. So he wasn't sure what the hell to do with that.
“I'm not drunk enough for this shit.” He muttered as he reached for the bottle and poured himself another glass. He nearly downed the whole thing and then let out a breath as the alcohol burned pleasantly through his body. “Look can we...not do this?” He inclined his head toward Evan but didn’t dare look at him.
Evan looked up, eyes wide and nodded quickly. “Yeah, yeah sure of course. I’m sorry... I just…I just wanted to...”
“I know what you were trying to do...and….thanks but...I can’t.”
“O-okay, we’ll just drop it.”
“Thanks.”
Evan nodded, watching Connor carefully. Connor sighed and pulled his knees up to his chest. It was a little awkward on Evan’s smaller sized couch but he was thin enough to manage to stay comfortable.
He could feel Evan’s eyes on him and his jaw tensed but he kept his eyes ahead of him, trying not to focus on Evan but on the television.
He stared blankly at the screen, his mind drifting.
Connor furrorwed his brow as he finally focused on what was on screen - a camera panned almost dramatically across a large forest. “What the hell are you watching, Hansen?”
Evan ducked his head but smiled abashedly, his face lighting up. “It's called uh, Call of the Forest and it's all about the forests all across the Northern Hemisphere and how they are preserved and how old they are, they are ancient you know?, and how, uh, basically trees and forests are the key to reversing climate change and are ...what?”
Connor knew he was smirking at him but he couldn't stop it if he wanted to. The wine was just starting to kick in and Evan was almost a different person when he was talking about trees - almost relaxed and carefree. Connor wished he was that passionate about something.
Connor snorted a laugh, shaking his head. “You are such a dork, Ev.”
Evan froze and Connor thought maybe he had gone too far - he tried not to insult Evan - and he didn't mean to come off insulting. It wasn't an insult, not in his mind. He didn't give a shit about trees and he’d rather do literally almost anything other than watch a documentary on them but he somehow didn’t mind watching Evan talking about it.
Then Evan flushed, looked down and rubbed at his jeans. “Yeah, I know…”
“Relax.” He leaned over and gave Evan a playful, gentle shove on the arm and Evan winced for a second before laughing nervously and Connor realized telling Evan to relax was like telling the sun not to set. “It’s fine - you’ve got an interest, maybe it is weird as all hell but its an interest. Though no offense dude, its not mine so…” He looked pointedly at the television.
Evan looked up and nodded quickly. “We can change it...its fine...I, uh...don’t know…” He furrowed his brow and inched his way towards the edge of the couch, searching frantically on the table for the remote.
He finally found it buried underneath some napkins and presented it to Connor with a nervous smile like it was some sort of priceless jewel.
“Thanks…” Connor drawled, smirking as he slowly reached over to take it from him.
He flicked through a couple of channels as Evan scooted back against the couch, cradling his glass of wine between his hands, his eyes intently focused on the quickly changing channels.
Eventually Connor let out a frustrated sigh at finding nothing good to watch and he glared heavily at the football game playing on the screen.
“You like sports?” He asked Evan and Evan shook his head.
“N-no...not really.”
“Me neither.” His eyes narrowed at the screen and they sat in silence for a few long moments.
Finally, Connor turned to Evan.
“You've got video games or something?”
---
Fifteen minutes later, Connor was squatting on the couch cushion, propped up on the balls of his feet, with Evan on the floor, both fully invested in the one game Evan had managed to find.
Evan didn't really have too many video games, it was mostly Jared who liked to play them and who brought them over and forced Evan to play them. He usually left with them but had left behind Mario Kart on his last visit.
“Ah, shit, what the hell Hansen…” Connor growled as Evan overtook him and Evan grinned, his lips pursed, his brow furrowed in concentration. The wine and the fun of the game had started to relax him.
Connor shifted his weight to his toes, leaning forward as he focused on catching up to Evan. He remained just on Evan’s trail but Evan ended up finishing the race.
Connor sighed dramatically, falling back onto the couch while Evan grinned triumphantly, shooting Connor a look over his shoulder.
“How the hell are you this good?” Connor asked, leaning in toward Evan. “I thought you didn't play.”
Evan shrugged, still smiling. “I play. Well, I play this one. Jared left it here months ago and never asked for it back. I only play when I'm really bored and I'm home by myself a lot so I get really bored a lot…”
Connor narrowed his eyes. “Fine.” He snatched up the controller. “Best two out of three?”
Evan nodded, returning confidently to the screen. Connor scooted to the edge of the couch and they were off again.
Rounds later, Connor had won a few but Evan remained reigning champion and Connor threw his controlled down in defeat “Fine, I give up! Tree Boy wins the game.”
Evan smiled as Connor glared pathetically. “Don't be a sore loser.”
Connor’s brow lifted at Evan’s sudden boldness. Evan only continued to grin at him, place the controller down and twisted around to face him.
“You're the sore loser.” Connor muttered back, crossing his arms and hid a smirk as Evan chuckled.
“I didn't lose.”
Connor tossed a pillow, hitting Evan in the shoulder. “Shut up.”
Evan grabbed the pillow and tucked it under his arms and to his chest, still smiling to himself.
“You want a rematch?”
“And have you kick my ass again? No thanks. Let's just turn on the tv or something.”
Evan nodded and grabbed the remote off the table before he crawled back up onto the couch, settling himself back in his corner.
Evan turned off the game and turned on Netflix and after a little bit of arguing - well suggestions made from Evan and Connor groaning at nearly every one and Evan visibly wincing at some of Connor’s suggestions- they finally decided on some comedy movie that neither of them had seen.
Before the movie started, Connor had gone rummaging throughout kitchen to look for more food and came back with a bowl of popcorn.
They settled back onto the couch, a blanket spread across their laps with the popcorn bowl between them.
Both had long since relaxed, the video game and the consumption of wine releasing most of the pent up tension, especially in Connor. The wine even seemed to help Evan relax a little bit more than usual.
So as the movie started, they both relaxed into the couch and got lost in the script and the comedy. Connor was laughing for the first time in...he couldn't even remember when he had had a real laugh.
At some point in the movie, Connor could feel Evans eyes practically burning a hole in his head. When he glanced his way he found Evan’s cheeks slightly flushed from the alcohol, and a happy, little relaxed smile on his lips. Connor raised an eyebrow at him and shifted in his seat, pulling his knee up to his chest under the blanket.
“What?” he nearly snapped.
“I’m really glad you’re here, Connor.”
Both eyebrows shot into his hairline and Evan only continued to smile at him, a little more shyly.
“And... I-I have to say, even if it's stupid, which, it is, of course, because it's me...but... it's thanksgiving and my mom always said to...to try and think of something you’re thankful for and I really never could because,” He shrugged, “What do I have to be thankful for?”
Connor’s stomach dropped at the painful reminder of how alike he and Evan were in that way and he frowned and pulled his leg closer to his body.
“But uh...I do now, I think because I’m thankful that you’re here so...yeah.”
Connor stared at him silently and Evan quickly shot his gaze down to his lap, tapping his legs nervously, slowly starting to shake his head.
“Damn Hansen….” Connor croaked out a few seconds later and Evan looked up slowly. “How much did you drink?”
Evan flushed pink and laughed a little. “I didn’t...not that much…” He glanced at his nearly empty glass of wine which he had in fact abandoned after their video game match. “I mean it though, Connor. I was going to be alone, again, and then you showed up and I’ve had a lot of fun. More fun than I’ve had in ages so...thank you...for coming over.”
Looking at Evan, seeing the light in his eyes, Connor could see that he did mean it. Deep down, Connor always thought maybe Evan was afraid of him, felt pressured to hang out with him when he didn’t really want to. In reality, Evan was the only one who seemed to truly like him, to genuinely want to be with him for no other reason than friendship.
“Thanks for letting me in.” Connor said with a half shrug, trying not to let on how much it actually meant that someone wanted him to stay instead of always kicking him out or at the very least making it clear he was not wanted.
Connor wasn't good with emotions. Except anger, that one he excelled at. No, it was the good emotions, the emotions that put a weird warm tingle in his belly that he didn't know what the hell to do with.
He actually was grateful he had somewhere to go that wasn’t a cold park, where he would be free from judgement and could actually just be himself. No it was more than that, it was a relief. A near overwhelming relief once he thought about it. As if one ton of the two ton weight he constantly carried on his shoulders had been lifted.
After a few moments of silence, desperate to break the sudden moment of vulnerability, he reached into the bowl between them, grabbed a piece of popcorn and flicked it at Evan’s forehead.
Evan jumped and blinked quickly while Connor grinned and hid a laugh against his knee. He lifted his head a second later, “No more of that emotional shit, alright?”
Evan’s face softened and he laughed. “Alright.” He agreed and seemed to debate with himself for a moment. Then he also picked up a piece of popcorn and tossed it at Connor, which landed in his hair.
Connor’s eyes narrowed playfully as he picked the popcorn out of his hair and stared Evan down as he popped it into his mouth.
Evan snickered quietly, his lips pressed together tightly. He then laughed aloud, shielding himself with the pillow as Connor reached into the bowl to grab a handful and threw it at him.
Evan peeked out hesitantly from above the pillow and the sight made Connor laugh aloud. Unable to resist, he grinned mischievously and threw yet another handful at Evan.
After a few more rounds of popcorn throwing, mostly from Connor as Evan hid strategically behind the pillow that sent most of the popcorn to the floor, they finally settled back to rewatch the movie.
Evan mumbled something about having to rewind because they had missed so much of the movie and Connor blamed Evan for it with a smirk, whilst getting one more popcorn throw in.
Once the movie had resumed playing, they both retreated to their separate corners of the couch to quietly continue the movie.
Connor had slumped against the armrest, using his arm as a pillow while his long legs propped up on the table. Across from him, Evan had curled his legs up beside him, still cuddling the pillow to his chest as he rested his head back against the couch.
It was the sudden slam of a car door a little while later that finally broke the tranquil peace the movie had put them into.
“Mom’s home.” Evan muttered in acknowledgement, drowsy from the last remnants of the alcohol in his system and Connor grunted quietly.
Then his eyes widened and he quickly shot up as Connor lazily lifted his head, his brow furrowing.
“Oh shit, my mom’s home.” Evan squeaked and Connor sat up as panic quickly spread over the other boy’s face. His whole body tensed and his breathing started to become quick and labored as his eyes zeroed in on the wine bottle on the table.
Connor reached over and placed his hand on Evan’s knee. “Hey, Ev, it's okay...I got this.” He moved quickly and snatched the bottle of wine off the table, shoved the cork back in the top, and shoved it between his legs and recovered his lap with the blanket.
Evan let out another short wheeze of panic and Connor finished the job by grabbing the two glasses and shoving them to the floor beside the couch, out of any immediate site.
He turned back to Evan who only seemed to grow worse and now trembled in his seat.
“Shit...Ev, hey, look at me.” Connor leaned in towards him, trying to catch his attention and Evan looked to him, wide-eyed. “Breathe, Evan, come on...the wine’s gone, she won’t know.”
Evan looked around quickly, surveying the scene of the living room before him, filled with half eaten pizzas and bits of popcorn but no clear evidence of any alcohol.
He took in a shaky deep breath, held it for a few seconds and then let it out slowly.
He jumped again, shooting back against the couch, trying to appear relaxed and casual as the keys jangled in the door and pushed open a few seconds later.
“Evan, honey?” Heidi Hansen’s voice called into the house
“In here.” Evan called out, his voice still shaky and he cleared his throat, shaking his head. Connor pushed himself back into his corner of the couch, trying to appear as casual as possible, something he was rather an expert at, while keeping an eye on Evan.
“I know I’m late, honey and I’m sorry but I brought you some - oh…” She suddenly appeared in the doorway and froze as she caught sight of Connor sitting beside Evan on the couch.
“H-Hi Mom.” Evan forced a small smile to his lips and glanced over his shoulder to Connor, then back to his mother. “You, uh - remember Connor Murphy?”
Heidi blinked in surprise for another moment but then a slow smile spread across her lips. “Yes, yes of course. Hello Connor.”
“Hey.” Connor greeted, curt but friendly enough.
Heidi shifted her bag over her shoulder, her eyes scanning the room, taking in the mess, and the TV still on and playing the movie and her smile widened as she looked back the boys. “I didn’t know you were coming over. Of course you are always welcome here but it's thanksgiving, shouldn't you be with your family?”
A dark look quickly flickered over Connor’s face but he quickly steeled his expression and shrugged. “My family dinner ended early. I knew Evan was alone today so I thought I’d keep him company.”
A flicker of pain flashed across Heidi’s tired eyes but as Evan’s forced smile faded into a more genuine and soft smile she also smiled.
“Well that was very thoughtful of you, Connor.”
Connor’s face twitched and quickly shifted a look to Evan.
His body was tense and he fiddled mercilessly with the blanket on his lap. A nervous behavior that would have given anyone else’s guilty conscience away but Heidi seemed to suspect nothing of her anxiety-ridden son.
“Well,” Heidi took another look at the room, “I can see you found the pizza, that’s good...and the popcorn too apparently, but incase you boys are still hungry I brought home some turkey and all the fixings.” She lifted a large plastic bag. “There was a potluck at the hospital - lots of food so, if you want it…”
“Thanks, Mom.” Evan said quickly. “We’re kind of full though…”
“Okay.” Heidi said, still smiling awkwardly. “Well it will be in the kitchen if you want it. I’m just gonna go change...you guys enjoy your movie.”
Heidi’s gaze lingered on them a moment longer and then she disappeared around the hall.
Evan held his breath, waiting until her footsteps quieted and then let out a loud, heavy breath and glanced over to Connor. “Do you think she knows we were drinking?”
Connor’s lips twitched. “She will if you say it any louder, dude.”
Evan’s eyes widened and he sealed his lips tightly together.
“It's fine, I don’t think she knows anything. You’re definitely not drunk, Hansen.”
Evan frowned and a funny look crossed over his face. He slowly drew his knees up to his chest. “I think I'm gonna be sick.” He muttered and dropped his forehead to his knees.
Connor raised his brow and very much doubted it. “If you puke I'm leaving.” He deadpanned.
Evan groaned quietly. Then he spoke, his voice heavily muffled by his legs. “You have nowhere else to go.”
Evan probably didn't mean it the way he said it but the cold, harsh reality hit Connor like the cold stab of winter air. “Ouch.”
Evan slowly lifted his head, his eyes widening in horror. He did look a little pale and clammy. “Ohmygod. Connor, I am so sorry I didn't mean..”
“You did and you're not wrong. I don't have anywhere else to go.” He turned away from Evan, staring blankly ahead to the TV that was still playing. His hair fell in front of his face and he didn't bother brushing it out of the way. “Fuck knows I don't want to go back to that house.”
Evan was quiet but he could feel his eyes on him. The beginnings of rage once again began to squeeze around his heart until finally Evan said,
“You could stay here.”
Connor slowly turned back to him and Evan gave him a small smile, his cheek now resting on his knees. “For tonight, I mean.”
Connor lifted a single brow. Was Evan really offering a sleepover?
“Your mom would be cool with that?” He briefly wondered why he actually cared about that.
Evan shrugged. “She won't mind...I don't think. Not if we don't wake her up or anything.”
“Okay...cool. Thanks.” He tried to play it off casually but he couldn't deny the relief he felt of not having to go back to the scolding he would no doubt receive as soon as he walked in the door. He could at least delay it for another day and hopefully Larry would be too hungover to really yell.
He felt a hard knot in the pit of his stomach at the reminder of the family he had left behind - and what they would do when they discovered he was gone.
As far as they were concerned he was still in his room but his mom would probably come to check on him after everyone had left. It was always his mom - with a soft, sad, pleading voice asking if he was hungry and then following it up with a sigh.
He sure as hell didn’t want them blowing up his phone all night with texts and calls demanding that he come home.
For that reason alone, he groaned and pulled out his phone to text Zoe.
To: Zoe
I'm staying at Evan’s. Tell mom.
Almost immediately he received the reply.
From: Zoe
So you did leave? Wtf Connor. They're gonna kill you.
He scoffed and Evan glanced up at him, his brow furrowing curiously. Connor shook his head, dismissing him.
To: Zoe
Great. Let them.
“Your mom?”
Connor barked a laugh and shook his head. “No. Zoe.”
“Oh.”
Connor glanced sideways as Evan’s voice shot up. Evan was staring down at his knees but his cheeks were stained a light pink and Connor rolled his eyes.
He had not forgotten Evan’s letter- he would never forget Evan’s letter- but the words about Zoe in particular had seared themselves rather unfortunately to his brain. Of course his only friend would have a weird crush on his sister.
Fortunately, whether he was smart enough not to, or just too shy, Evan never discussed his feelings for her in front of him.
He did however flush red and became even more twitchy when Zoe met up with them at school. Zoe was friendly to him and Evan had become a little better at talking to her but it was still almost painfully awkward to watch.
He shoved his phone back into his pocket and decided to ignore it for the rest of the night. It clanked noisily against the wine bottle that was still tucked in his lap. He hastily removed it and tucked it against the side of the couch next to the glasses.
Then he threw himself roughly against the back of the couch, startling Evan and causing him to look over to him inquisitively.
Connor ignored the look and instead focused on the tv to where the credits were rolling accompanied by some highly obnoxious rock music. “Movie’s over.”
“Yeah.” Evan said quietly. Connor noticed he did not complain about them missing parts of the movie this time. Still, he clicked back a few scenes or two and Evan’s face lit up a in a small smile that made it worth it.
They sat through the end of the movie, Evan slowly starting to relax again, his legs uncurling as he rested back.
As soon as the end scene played and it flickered back to the obnoxious credits, Connor returned to the home menu and flipped through the other movie choices until he found another one that looked halfway decent. He made a low, questioning noise in the back of throat, half-heartedly asking Evan’s approval.
Evan grunted noncommittally in reply and Connor shrugged and hit play before tossing the remote to the table.
He frowned as he shifted his tall body around on the small couch trying to find a comfortable position. Eventually his legs ended up propped back up on the table as his body slumped into the couch, his shoulder and head rested against the armrest.
Around halfway through the next movie, Connor felt Evan’s foot brush against his upper thigh and his chest tightened at the unexpected contact. Then Evan’s foot continued to travel back and gently tried to squeeze in the space between the couch and his ass.
“What the fuck are you doing, Hansen?”
At the lack of response or further movement from Evan, he frowned and lifted his head and glanced over to him.
Evan was fast asleep, one leg stretched out while the other was curled up at the knee. His head lolled against the back of the couch, the pillow still tucked under his chin.
If wine helped relax Evan, then sleep was even better judging by the smile on his face and the complete lack of tension in his body. Connor had never seen him like that, he wasn’t even sure Evan could fully relax.
For that reason alone, he dare not wake him. Connor scoffed at himself and his sudden thoughtfulness - but he knew better than anyone sleep could be an escape. Sometimes it was plagued by nightmares but most of the time if he was asleep he didn’t hurt and it must have been that way for Evan too. He rested his head back against the arm of the couch, trying to gently shifted around Evan’s foot digging into his back without waking him.
He continued to watch the movie, allowing himself for once to not dwell on his dark thoughts that hung over his life like a permanent raincloud, but to enjoy the stupid simplicity of a comedy, even allowing the occasional genuine chuckle or two.
After a while, Connor felt the rumble of hunger in his stomach and remembered the food Heidi had said was in the kitchen.
He lifted his head and threw another glance to Evan who was still sound asleep. Slowly and carefully so not to wake Evan he got to his feet. Evan’s foot twitched and then so did his face but he only snuggled further into the pillow. Connor covered his exposed foot with the blanket and shook his head and then headed for the kitchen.
He froze in the doorway, his heart leaping to his throat as he saw Heidi sitting alone in the dim kitchen, pushing around her fork on her barely eaten plate.
He was about to turn and leave, sacrificing his hunger for the avoidance of an awkward encounter with Evan’s mom, when Heidi lifted her head and noticed him.
Her face softened at once when she saw him and she gave a small little smile. “Connor, hi. Are you hungry?”
Connor stared at her silently for a moment but his momentary panic had ebbed at her welcoming gaze. He nodded and took a hesitant step into the kitchen.
It was so different than his own - small, a little messy and Heidi sitting with a smile, yet he still expected a reprimand, as always when he tried to sneak into the kitchen to grab a late dinner.
“Come in,” Heidi gave him an encouraging wave, “Please, help yourself.”
He continued to walk inside, feeling abnormally tall and awkward in the small kitchen with Evan’s short mother, who, hunched over in her lonely chair, seemed even smaller.
“Thanks.” He muttered as Heidi pushed a stack of two plates toward him as he approached the table.
He silently grabbed the first plate and purposefully avoided Heidi’s gaze as he grabbed a fork and stuck it into the styrofoam container of turkey.
“Would you make a plate for Evan too?” Heidi asked quietly and Connor tensed further. “I...I’m not sure how much he has eaten today but he usually... doesn't. He likes Turkey though.”
“He’s asleep.” Connor said cooly.
“Oh.”
She said nothing more but Connor grabbed a few more pieces of turkey with his fork and placed it onto the other plate and Heidi let out a small audible sigh of relief.
Connor felt a small ache in his chest. Maybe she wasn't around as much as Evan would have liked but at least she cared.
The silence was almost painfully awkward. Connor could feel Heidi watching him and he quickly hurried through scooping the various sides onto his plate, desperate to escape.
“Are you alright, Connor?”
The question was so sudden and said with such gentle affection that Connor froze, his breath catching in his chest.
No, he wasn't alright, he hadn't been alright in years. He forgot what alright felt like. It was a stupid question to ask but Heidi asked it with such genuine concern that he avoided his usual snarky remark.
He slowly lifted his head and his chest tightened at the way she was looking at him with genuine concern in her sad, gentle eyes.
He kept his face stoic, blank. He could not allow himself to show emotion in front of Evan’s mom.
“Fine.” He said shortly and Heidi pressed her brow together in a way that reminded him of Evan.
She clearly did not believe him but didn’t push it further, only smiled, a small sad smile at the corner of her mouth, and nodded.
Connor quickly turned back to his food and scooped one last spoonful of mashed potatoes onto Evan’s plate and then grabbed both plates and two forks.
“Uh...thanks for the food.” He muttered quickly, hastily looking up to her to only briefly, awkwardly make eye contact, and then as she nodded in acknowledgement he turned and headed out of the room.
“Connor?”
He froze in the doorway and closed his eyes tightly, resisting a sigh - he had almost made it out of there. He turned halfway around to look over his shoulder to acknowledge her.
She was smiling sadly. “I just wanted to thank you...for coming over and being here with Evan. I…” She sighed and closed her eyes and Connor tensed uncomfortably, suddenly itching to escape as Heidi became emotional. She shook her head slowly. “My shift ran later than I thought and I hate to leave him alone for too long. So I’m just glad that he has a friend. I didn’t really think he had friends - other than Jared.”
Friend.
A word that has been lost to Connor a long time ago. He couldn't even remember the last time he had a friend. All of his friends, before Evan, were not even friends but people who needed an escape just as badly as he did. Just a little bit of company while they all lost the world. They didn’t speak to each other when they weren’t high, except to plan a deal maybe.
To Connor that had been friendship, because that was all he had known.
Then there was Evan. Then there was understanding and acceptance. Then there was video games and stupid movies and popcorn fights. Then there was a tiny bit of light that was beginning to crack through the darkness.
Frankly, Connor thought he was a horrible influence, a shitty friend and just an overall bad person, and that Evan deserved much better but he was too much of a selfish asshole to let him go. Fortunately for him, Evan was just as desperate for a friend, and for some reason actually seemed to like him.
They were one hell of a pair, the two of them. An unlikely pair to everyone, including them but somehow it worked. Connor didn’t really care how or why - just that it did.
Connor wasn’t sure what the hell to say to her - there were those pesky and confusing as all hell good emotions again.
“Uh...yeah...no problem.” He eventually settled on, then before she could say anything else he muttered another thanks, holding up the plates and then turned on his heel and left the room.
He walked quickly back to the living room, desperate to get as far away from that awkward situation as soon as possible.
The dim lighting of the room, the silence from the couch where Evan still slept and the buzzing of the tv as the movie continued to play, gave him at least a little bit of comfort. The room, the scene had become familiar, his safe haven.
He walked around to his side of the couch and was vaguely amused to find that Evan had not moved a single inch. If not for the gentle, rhythmic up and down of his chest, he could have almost been dead. Connor shook off the weird, uncomfortable tightening in his chest at the thought.
Connor placed down Evan’s plate on the table, knowing it wouldn’t be touched despite Heidi’s hopes and then carefully settled back down onto his side of the couch with his own plate.
He ate most of what was on the plate. He was more hungry than he realized, despite having eaten most of Evan’s pizza. The popcorn had mostly ended up on the floor and he had barely eaten at that disastrous meal at home. He didn’t have an appetite then - being forced to listen to Cousin Joe’s Greatness was nauseating.
Fully satiated by the delicious, albeit slightly cold, meal, he slumped back against the couch to continue watching the movie.
He made it through that one and half of another, only being distracted by Evan’s occasional snort in his sleep and Heidi moving around in the kitchen.
His eyes finally growing heavy, he lifted his head to glance over to Evan. He had moved only slightly, his back flat against the couch cushions as he clutched the pillow tightly to his chest. There was the tiniest bit of room beside him and carefully so as not to kick Evan in the face, Connor moved to stretch out his legs across the couch in the space left.
Connor Murphy was a great deal of things but graceful was not one of them.His attempts at moving slowly were not successful and he cursed under his breath as he ended up nudging Evan’s shoulder with his shin.
Evan let out a small, sleepy groan, his whole body growing rigid. His brow furrowed, his lips pursing into a frown as he turned his head toward the disturbance.
“Mom?” He mumbled and Connor discovered that Evan’s voice when thick with sleep was much deeper.
“Not even close.”
Evan blinked his eyes open in surprise, as if he had forgotten he was there. “Connor?”
“Yeah. Bunch up.” Connor nudged him again. “Did anyone ever tell you you're a couch hog?”
“No?” He scrunched up his face in drowsy confusion. “I never slept on the couch with another person.”
He watched with groggy, squinted eyes as Connor shifted around trying to get comfortable.
“Especially not one so...”
“So what?” Connor prompted, giving him a look.
“Tall? You're really tall.”
Connor huffed. “No shit.”
Evan grunted as Connor shifted and kneed him again, this time in the side. Evan scooted up and shot him a vague look of irritation. “You did that on purpose.” He muttered.
Connor smirked. “You were in the way.”
“I’m always in the way.” Evan muttered under his breath and tightened his arms to his chest, attempt to make more room for Connor’s long legs. He grunted and groaned, making accompanying scrunchy faces until he finally fell back onto the couch and stopped moving with a hard sigh.
“That can't be comfortable.” Connor noted as he observed Evan curled in on himself, packed like a sardine between him and the couch.
“W-We’re two teenage boys trying to fit together on a small couch...what about that says it would be comfortable?”
Connor shrugged. “I've slept in worse places.”
Evan frowned and lifted his head but thankfully didn't ask. The last thing Connor wanted was to get into that conversation.
“Loosen up a bit, Ev. Go back to sleep.”
At that Evan yawned and once again attempted to shift his position on the couch. This time Evan was the one to elbow Connor in the shin and they both winced as bone met bone.
“Sorry.” Evan muttered genuinely and Connor rolled his eyes.
Finally, Evan turned partially onto his side, his back pressed against the back of the couch and his pillow now sandwiched between him and Connor’s leg to act as a cushion.
His legs were stiff and awkward, stretched out beside Connor. Connor was partially propped up against the armrest, his height making it impossible to even attempt to squish fully onto the couch like Evan.
He pulled his hood back over his head, acting as some kind of pillow and folded his arms tight across his chest.
He had indeed slept in worse places and while it wasn’t the most comfortable place in the world, he wasn’t about to complain. At least it was warm.
It had just gone quiet again and Connor had just closed his eyes when Evan started to wiggle beside him.
Connor tensed and froze, waiting for him to settle down. He frowned as Evan’s hand started to move between them, his fingers twitching, searching for something.
“Evan, what the hell.” He growled lowly, opening his eyes just a crack to peer at him.
“Sorry, I just...I want to…” Evan’s hand flapped around some more until he finally grabbed a hold of the blanket that was trapped under them. With a force the nearly knocked Connor off the couch, forcing him to think quick and grab a hold of Evan’s leg just to keep himself up, Evan lifted the blanket.
Connor swore and Evan froze, staring at him like a deer in headlights. Connor shot him a light glare and Evan winced as Connor’s fingers dug into his leg as he pulled himself back up.
As Connor straightened himself up, finally releasing his vice grip on Evan’s leg, Evan slowly gave him a sheepish smile.
Connor simply grunted and frowned at him, scrunching deeper against the couch and closing his eyes.
Connor let out a slow, deep breath as Evan slowly began shifting again.
He opened his eyes a moment later when he felt the warmth of the blanket fall over his lap. He watched as Evan settled himself back down, adjusted the pillow back against in the space between their bodies, and then fixed the blanket so it could cover them both as equally as possible.
Then finally he settled with his hands on his lap over the blanket.
“Are you done?” Connor asked dryly, the corners of his lips twitching up despite himself.
“Yes.” Evan mumbled and gave one final wiggle. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Connor said with a soft sigh and closed his eyes as he settled back with a yawn. “Just don’t knock me off the fucking couch again.”
“Okay. Sor…” He cut himself off and cleared his throat and they both fell into silence.
“Goodnight.” Evan muttered so low it was like he barely said it at all but Connor had heard it.
He grunted quietly and tightened his arms further to his chest. “‘Night, Hansen.”
Within minutes Evan was asleep again but Connor did not find sleep so easily. His eyes were heavy and he could feel the edges of sleep trying to pull him in but he simply was not getting there as fast as he would like.
He wasn’t sure how long he was there, just barely awake, hanging onto the edges of consciousness.
He realized, as he lay there with the warmth and comfort of Evan pressed up beside him, that he had made the right decision in coming there tonight instead of acting on his destructive instincts. This friendship thing was actually a pretty good feeling. He didn’t really have a lot to be thankful for, his shitty life didn’t provide that for him, but with Evan he could at least now be grateful for something.
~~
“When you’re falling in a forest and when you hit the ground,
Summary: AU Canon-divergent. Connor/Evan friendship. Connor gets a little bit of hope.
Notes: So I saw Dear Evan Hansen last week and I fell in love with everything about it. While the canon story was moving and broke my heart, I'm sure like most of you, I was also intrigued by the fake friendship between Evan and Connor and how it might have looked had it been real. This is my take at it and I hope it's good..To all my American readers, Happy Thanksgiving!
“Connor Murphy.”
The call of his name echoed around him and he rose begrudgingly to his feet.
He tried to keep his eyes forward, his jaw tensing as he felt the penetrating state of his classmates watching his every move.
The whispers, the quiet snickering as he passed...his hands twitched at his sides as he tried to keep himself calm and ignore them.
This seemed to be the longest walk of his life. He kept reminding himself it was all almost over.
He stopped in front of the principal and lifted his gaze to the man’s face.
For once in his whole high school career the principal looked at him not with disappointment but instead wore a small, proud smile.
“Congratulations.” He spoke genuinely, sincerely and with one hand he handed Connor a piece of paper that would set him free from at least one prison. With the other, he firmly grasped Connor’s hand.
“Thanks.” Connor muttered and withdrew his hand quickly as he squeezed his diploma tightly in the other.
There was a small about of applause - not the thunderous amount that his other classmates had received, not that Connor cared about any of that. Not that his peers’ attention even mattered.
The applause from the back of the crowd watching from the sides came mostly from his parents and Zoe. However the loudest applause drew his attention straight to it source.
Several rows in, Evan Hansen sat holding his own diploma, a dorky grin on his face as he clapped enthusiastically.
He shrunk only slightly in his seat when he finally realized his surrounding classmates had started to stare at him but continued to clap until the next name was called.
Connor couldn't stop the smile if he wanted to. It was a small smile, the barest hint of one but he ducked his head to his chest to hide it and the rush of heat to his cheeks. Hansen’s was the only opinion who really mattered anyway. It was due to Evan he even made it this far, after all.
He quickly, hurriedly shook the other staff member’s hands - teachers, school board members, whoever the hell they were - and returned to his seat, purposefully ignoring the looks from his classmates.
Instead he focused on finding the back of Evan’s head a few rows up. It was only a sea of blue caps and gowns, no kid distinguishing from the next. Then Evan turned around in his seat and grinned at him, lifting his diploma triumphantly.
The corners of Connor’s mouth twitched up and his hand lifted, his own diploma twitched up in return.
Evan held his gaze for a second longer and then turned back in his seat as the ceremony continued on.
Connor sighed and slunk down his chair. He fiddled absentmindedly with the edges of the paper, his eyes trained on the ground. He just wished the ceremony would be over already so he could finally be out of there.
Finally, after what seemed the never ending roll-call of the senior class, the principal gave one final last speech, announced his final congratulations and the crowd erupted in applause and cheers. His peers jumped to their feet, throwing their caps into the air in celebration.
Connor rolled his eyes, sinking further into his chair as he tried not to be trampled by his excited former classmates, trying to reach and hug each other.
He glared up as a burly jock, Ryan Morris, stepped on his foot in an attempt to climb over him to get to his friends.
Connor drew his long legs up to his chest in the small folding chair and silently observed the mayhem, wondering if he could just slip out without anyone seeing him.
“Nice job, Murphy!” He jumped and nearly growled as a hand clamped down hard on his shoulder.
Jared Kleinman leaned down with a shit eating grin. “Never thought you'd actually do it.”
“Shove off, Kleinman.” Connor hissed, ripping himself out of his grasp as he shot to his feet.
He nearly tore at the ridiculous gown to get it off of him and threw it to his chair.
Jared never really became less irritating, though he was slightly less insulting as Connor grew closer to Evan.
Connor also became less insulting - mostly...to some people.
Jared was an ass and Connor couldn't stand him but for some God forsaken reason, Evan liked him. He begrudgingly accepted Jared’s presence as an annoying condition of Evan’s friendship.
Connor hoped that at least that school was over he wouldn't be around as much. The kid was smart - got into a good school and would be gone come late August. Unlike him, which was... whatever.
No one believed he would actually do it - graduate. No one thought he was good enough.
No one except…
“Here comes your boyfriend.” Jared waggled his brow and motioned over Connor’s shoulder.
Connor glared at him but turned around.
As Evan made his way towards him, awkwardly pushing his way through the crowds of people, Connor felt the negativity slowly start to melt away.
There was something about Evan Hansen that made the edges of darkness fall away from his mind. Despite his friend’s own tormented soul and anxiety ridden thoughts, Evan exuded light and what to Connor was the only joy he had ever known.
Connor’s lips twitched as two boys ran into Evan and Evan stumbled on his feet and started profusely apologizing to the boys who didn't even seem to notice him.
Evan stilled, his brow furrowed, his diploma clutched to his chest as the boys ran off without so much as an acknowledgment to the person they nearly bowled over.
For the briefest of moments Connor felt the sharp stir of rage in his belly. He wasn't sure when it had happened but he had become fiercely protective of Evan. Evan had trouble standing up for himself. Connor had no trouble telling assholoes where they could stick it. He always wondered when people insulting Evan made him angrier than anything anyone could say to him.
Well hell, he knew he was a freak and a loser. He knew everything they said about him was true but Evan...no, Evan was good. Full of pain and hurt and anxiety but good.
Evan shook his head, his face relaxing and the smile returned to his lips as he looked back in Connor’s direction.
The anger slowly melted away and Connor’s face softened as Evan continued to approach him.
When he was a few feet away, Connor held out his hand to stop him and Evan froze, the smile slipping from his face.
Connor smirked at him, reassuring and twitched his head to an empty spot on the field in the opposite direction of the crowd.
“Don’t.” Connor snapped harshly to Jared who moved to follow.
Jared raised an eyebrow, a knowing smirk on his lips. “Like I'd want to join your little orgy on the field anyway.”
Connor ignored the comment, snatched his diploma off the chair, leaving the gown behind as he stalked away from Jared and the crowd.
The crowd which probably contained his parents and Zoe trying to find him and Evan’s mother trying to find him. They could wait and they would as far as he was concerned.
He needed to get away from those people, the suffocating crowd of people who didn’t give a shit, and he knew so did Evan.
He and Evan, the outcasts, the losers...but not to each other.
He heard Evan greet Jared, stuttering as he offered him congratulations. Jared snorted and made another suggestive comment. Connor swore that boy spoke in nothing but sexual innuendos.
Connor walked until he was a good distance away from the crowd.
He stared up at the sky, clear and bright and blue - a perfect summer afternoon.
There was only a gentle breeze to cool the stifling heat. It rustled the hair around his shoulders and he closed his eyes, drowning out the noise of the crowd.
He felt Evan arrive more than heard him. He could always sense when Evan was near - he brought a warmth with him.
“Hey!” Evan’s voice was loud and cheerful behind him. With his back to him, Connor smiled.
“A-are you alright?” Evan asked after a long beat of silence and Connor could hear the tension in his voice.
He finally turned around, meeting Evan’s concerned, hesitant gaze.
He shrugged and lifted his diploma, wagging it in the air lazily. “We are finally free of this hell hole.”
Evan’s face relaxed and he laughed, shortly, nervously. “Y-yeah.”
Connor turned around fully to face him, narrowing his eyes.. “Don’t tell me you actually liked this place…”
“No!” Evan quickly snapped and shook his head fervently. “N-no, I don’t…I didn’t. It was...well...just, no.”
Connor grunted, nodding his head curtly with a small smirk. “Good...didn’t want to think you’d lost your mind all together.”
Evan smiled weakly. “No, I’m glad it's over.” He said quietly, voice full of a mixture of relief and melancholy, and absent-mindedly rubbed at his left wrist and Connor followed the motion. His stomach twisted at the memory of that first day of senior year - and all that had followed.
“Me too.” Connor muttered, his brow furrowing as he stared distantly at Evan’s wrist.
His fingers tightened around the diploma in his hands and the crinkling of the paper pulled him out of any possible destructive path his mind was going to attempt to lead him on. He lifted his head and laughed bitterly. “I mean...can you believe it?” He motioned at the paper in his hands.
Evan tilted his head and gave him a warm, genuine smile. “Yes, I can, actually. I, ah….I’m really proud of you, Connor.”
Connor blinked at him, his chest tightening at the phrase, one that Connor so rarely heard directed towards him. His heart climbed into his throat as a surge of unfamiliar emotion swelled and kept him from speaking.
Even at his silence, which combined with his intense stare usually made people turn and run, like he was a fuse about to blow, Evan only continued to smile at him, his eyes shining with the honest affection that matched his words.
Finally, Connor choked out a cough and broke eye contact as he turned his head. “Right, okay…”
“N-no, I am!” Evan leaned in towards him imploringly and Connor glanced back at him, raising his brow at Evan’s outstretched arms.
“You’re not gonna hug me, are you, Hansen?”
Evan quickly snapped up straight, his arms pressing tight to his sides as a delightful pink flush dusted his cheeks. “W-what? No...no, I’m not gonna…” He laughed nervously. “I wouldn’t, I mean unless you wanted…” He trailed off as Connor continued to stare silently at him and only flushed further at his smirk.
Connor snickered quietly under his breath and turned his head to look forward but shifted his weight that much closer towards Evan.
Evan shifted nervously, fiddling with his gown for a few more silent seconds and then slowly relaxed and settled in to stand beside Connor, following his gaze towards the string of houses in the neighborhood behind the school.
“For what it's worth…” Connor started a few moments later with a light shrug, keeping his eyes forward, “I guess I’m proud of you too.”
He could practically feel Evan beaming beside him and the other boy kicked lightly at the grass. “Thanks. A-and...its worth a lot, by the way. Your opinion, I mean...it...means a lot.”
Connor slowly turned his head, a smart-mouthed comment brewing on his tongue, one that would not only insult himself but somehow also insult Evan, so he held it back. But finding the right thing to say was...difficult, not without either sounding insulting or baring his heart and actually revealing how touched he was that his opinion mattered to someone.
Evan cleared his throat loudly, twisting his hands together and Connor deflated in relief - once again Evan had saved him. This time from saying anything stupid.
“My uh...my mom is going t-to make dinner...for me, y’know to celebrate…” Evan waved his hand in the air, motioning to the field set up for their graduation. “You can come if you want to…”
Evan looked at him with such hopeful eyes that Connor’s heart lurched and he pushed down the warm feeling bubbling up inside - happiness? - no matter how many times Evan invited him anywhere, he still would get that feeling. That good feeling that someone actually wanted him around.
Evan laughed nervously and looked at the ground, shuffling his feet. “I know it's kinda stupid...a-a silly thing, so you don't have to..”
“Evan.” Connor cut him off sharply but made sure to keep his voice soft. Evan looked up hopefully and Connor gave him a small smile.
“I want to. Thanks.”
Evan broke into a grin and nodded quickly and stopped fiddling with the edges of his gown.
“Cool! Cool. So...I will see you later? It will be at my house, heh, obviously but um...you can come around five, I guess?”
Connor nodded. “Sure, see you at five.”
Evan’s eyes suddenly widened. “But I mean...what about… I mean.. are you...doing anything with your family?”
Connor scoffed and shrugged. “I don't know. Doesn't matter...I would rather be with you, anyway.”
Evan continued to stare at him wide eyed but there was a sudden light in his eyes that accompanied a brilliant grin. Connor was always a little bit baffled when Evan smiled at him like that - when he, failure, loser Connor Murphy, could make someone else smile like he actually mattered to them.
So he smiled back, because how could he not?
“Awesome….awesome.” Evan laughed. “Okay...I better go now, I think my Mom is waiting…” He looked over his shoulder back towards the crowd.
Connor nodded silently but as Evan turned to walk away, Connor felt a sudden tightness in his chest, something urging him forward.
“Hey, Hansen!”
Evan stopped and whirled around, brows raising expectantly. “Yeah?”
Without a word, Connor took a big step towards him, grabbed a hold of Evan’s shoulder and then tugged the other boy against him.
Evan stumbled on his feet at the force, grunted as he hit Connor’s chest and then froze against him.
Connor wrapped his arms around him, slow and hesitant at first, then he tightened his hold, clutching Evan to him.
Evan’s hands hesitated at his sides but then he relaxed and slung his arms around Connor, clutching tightly onto the back of his hoodie.
As Connor closed his eyes and ducked his head, his nose brushing Evan’s shoulder, he could feel Evan’s smile against his head.
The hug ended as soon as it began and Connor lifted his head and he found Evan beaming at him.
“W-what was that for?”
Connor shrugged. “I don't know just...whatever. All of this.”
Evan blinked at him silently and Connor sighed, flicking the diploma in his hands up. “For this, mostly.”
Evan furrowed his brow in confusion. “I didn't do that. You earned that all on your own, Connor.”
There was that sudden rush of warmth again and damn it all, if that wasn’t the most confident sentence he had ever heard come out of Evan Hansen’s mouth.
Evan somehow always had complete faith in him, which made Connor sometimes question the state of Evan’s judgement but he was grateful for it all the same. Evan had seen him at his worst, when he came to close to giving up on everything. When anyone else in that position would have taken one look at him and tossed him aside, casting him as a hopeless case - Evan reached out and pulled him through it. Evan helped him when no one else could - when no one else would.
“Yeah,” Connor scoffed and then cleared his throat, shaking off any apparent emotion that was trying to surface, “Maybe. But if it weren’t for you I’d be off getting high somewhere, a high school drop out.” Or dead. He knew the truth of the matter and he knew Evan must have to. If it weren't for Evan and that damn letter, he wouldn't have been here to live this day, or any day.
Connor winced, thinking of how close he had been to becoming that person - well, how he had to try and convince himself every day that he wasn’t that person anymore.
Evan’s face fell into a frown but then softened into a small smile and he reached out, touching Connor’s arm. “But you aren’t. You’re here and you did it. And it's not over, y’know? You’re going to college in the fall.”
Connor scoffed. “Community college.”
“So?” Evan shrugged. “It's still college. And-and I'll be there too so…”
While Jared had been accepted into some fancy technical school, he and Evan were headed straight for Community College. Connor’s only option because of his grades - though his father insisted he could pull some strings elsewhere because God forbid his son go to a community college- and Evan’s because of his anxiety.
He knew he could only make it through the next four years with his sanity in tact if Evan was with him. He only agreed to go to college in the first place because Evan practically begged him to. And for some God Knows reason, he did not want to disappoint Evan Hansen.
His parents liked Evan too, liked his influence on him, and, well at least his mother seemed content with his decision. It was, after all, better than not going at all.
Evan had decided to venture into the field of Environmental Science, due to his passion for nature. Evan had a passion, at least. Connor painfully reminded him as Evan was in the process of trying to convince him to go, that he did not have any passions, and barely saw ahead to the next day how could he think about his damn future in college?
Evan had spent hours with him researching all the majors offered at their local college, bouncing off ideas to the not so receptive Connor. Eventually Connor agreed to go, only enrolling in the liberal arts program to get his parents, and Evan to some extent though Evan wasn’t quite as annoying because he wasn’t demeaning, off his back.
That made him wonder how much time he’d actually be spending with Evan, even though they had agreed to share rides together, and how much time he’d therefore be spending on his own left to his own destructive behaviors.
“Yeah.” He nudged Evan’s shoulder with his own and gave him a tiny smirk. Then he shrugged and pulled at the drawstrings of his hoodie. “I just don’t know if it will be any different than here.”
Evan opened his mouth to reply and then hesitated, his own uncertainty on his face. He swallowed and nodded in understanding. “It has to be.” He finally said quietly and a tiny look of determination crossed his face. “It’s a new start, right? For both of us.”
“If you say so, Hansen.”
Evan nodded again. “It has to be.” He repeated firmly and Connor wished he could have his optimism.
They fell into a small silence after that, each contemplating what the future would hold for them.
“Evan…?”
Evan frowned at the sudden change in tone of Connor’s voice and he peered over his shoulder to where Connor looked off in the distance.
Waiting for them was the Murphy’s and a few feet from them, Heidi Hansen, beside her, Jared Kleinman with what must have been his parents.
“Is Kleinman coming to this dinner thing?”
Connor slowly looked back at Evan, only to find him smiling sheepishly. “H-he’s a family friend...my-my mom asked him.”
Connor groaned and tossed his head back, closing his eyes tight. “Hansen.”
“A-and he’s my friend too! S-sorry, I know you don’t like him…” Evan trailed off and looked down, his fingers twisting at the edges of his gown. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want…”
Connor sighed and reopened his eyes, moving back to look at Evan and he cursed at himself for putting that look on his face.
He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “I’ll come.” He said gruffly.
Evan lifted his head slowly, the corners of his lips twitching into a smile.
“You just gotta tell Kleinman not to be an asshole.”
“O-okay…” Evan nodded and his mouth twitched again. “But...you also can’t be an asshole.”
Connor laughed, loud and free, his arms falling to his sides. He caught sight of Evan’s pleased dorky grin and snorted. If Evan wasn’t the only single person on the planet to know him so well, or at all.
He reached out and placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder.
“If you can get Kleinman to not shoot off his mouth than neither will I.”
Evan’s eyes widened slightly at the thought of achieving what seemed to be an impossible task and then they both shared a laugh.
“This is going to be a disaster.” Evan muttered.
“Probably.” Connor agreed with a smirk.
Evan tried to smile but his face twisted in up in a grimace. His shoulders tensed under Connor’s hand and he started to laugh, high pitched and nervous as he once again fiddled with the edges of his gown.
“Hey…” Connor squeezed his shoulder. “It's alright. I swear I won't start anything.”
His voice was sincere but there was a smirk in his lips and a hint of mischief in his eyes that didn't really seem to reassure Evan.
The longer he stared at Connor though the more he seemed to relax. He relaxed under Connor’s hold and smiled, ducking his head as he grabbed a tight hold of the material of his gown for a second and then released it.
“Okay. Thanks.” Evan mumbled, his voice soft and Connor smiled at the sound.
“I-I'll talk to Jared.” Evan said, lifting his head. “I-I mean Jared is Jared so…” He shrugged.
Connor raised an eyebrow. “Your mom will be there? He's not so….himself in front of her.”
Evan nodded quickly and relaxed a little more at that reassuring thought. Heidi often left the boys to their own devices when they would hang out at the Hansen house but if they would stay for dinner, Jared suddenly became an angel. Or as much of an angel as Jared could be. Which then effectively cooled any brewing tensions between Connor and Jared.
“Well...you better go. It looks like your mom is waiting for you.”
Connor nodded past Evan’s shoulder and Evan turned around.
Heidi seemed to be in conversation with Mrs. Kleinman but kept glancing back towards them.
As she caught his gaze across the field, Heidi lifted in her hand in a wave and Evan smiled and waved back.
“So is yours.” Evan noted, looking over to where Cynthia stood, visibly a few feet in front of Larry and Zoe.
Her face lit in a smile and she waved also as she caught Evan’s eye.
Connor rolled his eyes, hiding a small smirk as Evan waved enthusiastically.
Connor lifted his hand and gave his own half-hearted wave, which at least seemed to satisfy his mother.
“She is proud of you,” Evan said quietly, “They all are.”
Connor turned to him, raising his brow. “I barely graduated. Meanwhile Zoe is already top in her class. Yeah I'm sure they are just thrilled with their stoner, failure son.”
Evan frowned at him so suddenly, so seriously that he was a little taken aback.
“Y-you're not Zoe and you're not a failure. You’re you and…”
“That's enough?” Connor finished sardonically, scoffing a bitter laugh.
“Yes.” Evan said shortly. “You should be proud of yourself too, y’know? And I know you care what they think, even though you say you don't…”
Connor crossed his arms and scowled. “I don't.” He insisted but his own voice betrayed him and damn him, Evan knew it.
“Okay. I'm just saying...they are here aren't they? Waiting for you?”
“You're here, Ev. They are over there.”
Evan gave him a look that melted the scowl and replaced the smirk on his lips.
“Y-you known what I mean, Connor.”
Connor shrugged and sniffed offhandedly. “Yeah well...they probably just want to get home or whatever.”
Evan pressed his lips together and kept silent, seeing he was getting nowhere with this.
They both glanced over to the group of their parents.
Jared grinned at them from behind his parents and Heidi and made a vague sexual gesture.
Connor sighed and dropped his head while Evan smiled apologetically but the sudden tension had suddenly and effectively been broken.
“I, ah, better go…” Evan waved his hand in the direction of his mother.
“Yeah, go.” Connor nodded, his features softening as Evan gave him a gentle, warm smile. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah, see ya.” Evan’s arms twitched at his sides and for a moment Connor thought he was going to hug him again but he only waved. “See ya.” He repeated more quietly with a lingering smile and then finally turned around and headed across the field toward his mother.
He watched as Evan finally reached his mother and Heidi enveloped him in a big hug and even at their distance, he could see the proud, genuine smile on her face.
Connor ignored the cold stab of envy that pierced his heart and instead looked toward his own mother. Once she caught his gaze, she waved him over encouragingly, a similar smile on her face.
Zoe stepped into view beside their mother and lifted her hands in question - what the hell are you still doing over there?
He thought he had done irreparable damage to his relationship with his sister, but as he drew closer to Evan, and stopped relying on getting high so often, and as his anger began to dissipate, things had started to heal between them.
He glanced once more over to Evan. Heidi now had an arm slung affectionately around his shoulders and Evan wore a smile bright as the sun as he talked and laughed with Jared.
Evan’s eyes drifted back towards him and he froze momentarily, his smile widening even further as their eyes met.
Evan gave a subtle nod towards Cynthia, Larry and Zoe and then his attention was drawn to Jared who must have cracked another joke that had all of them laughing.
He could hear Evan’s laughter, carried on the wind to where he stood.
Connor closed his eyes and inhaled, slow and deep. His fingers curled around the diploma in his hands and he opened his eyes to look down at it.
His name was written in black and gold letters, along with the name of the school and the year.
It was a shit piece of paper that really should have meant nothing...but somehow, it didn’t.
The corners of his lips twitched up and he lifted his head, looking ahead to his family.
He thought about what Evan had said - a new start - for both of them. Somehow he had a hard time believing he had any kind of opportunity to start over - that his life would just be a miserable, endless loop of being stuck in rut of depression and failure.
Yet, if Evan said it, if Evan believed it, maybe he could too. Or at the very least, try to believe it.
He sighed and took a step forward, deciding to leave the miserable years behind him. He had a whole new chapter of his life to start, and he had a friend to go along for the messy ride.
For once in his entire life he saw something other than the chains of the past or the darkness of the present. He saw a glimpse of light...he could think ahead to a future where maybe - just maybe- everything would be alright.
Summary: The day after their wedding, Adam and Belle spend some time alone in post-wedded bliss.
Part 1 Here
After finding one of the most simple outfits he owned, after all it was only Belle who would be seeing him that day and the clothes would no doubt be coming off again soon regardless, Adam eagerly made his way down towards the kitchen.
He knew Belle had already made it downstairs when he heard the clink and clank of pots and pans as he neared the kitchen.
He entered the room and paused in the doorway, a smile lighting his face as he silently observed her.
As suspected she was already gathering supplies on the counters, her back to him and seemingly oblivious to his presence.
She was dressed in that blue and white dress he loved so much. It was something she wore often, as one of the only outfits she brought from her cottage in Villeneuve and the outfit she had been wearing when they first met. That day had not been a happy one but it was the day that changed everything.
Her hair was tied loosely behind her back. Her movements were so graceful and natural as she moved across the kitchen grabbing different ingredients and utensils, he would have been content to watch her for hours.
“I know you've probably never set foot inside a kitchen before but you don't have to be afraid to come in.” Belle’s amused voice reached his ears but she didn't turn around.
“I was simply admiring you.” He said as he walked in. “I will also have you know I indeed have been the kitchen before.”
“Oh, have you?” She turned around with a smile, holding out a rolling pin. “What is this?”
His face fell as he stared at the unfamiliar object and his eyes narrowed as her grin widened with every beat of his silence. He grunted quietly, “I said I have been in the kitchen not that I was familiar with its inventory.”
Belle bit her lip and laughed quietly. “I am only teasing you. Come,” she switched the rolling pin to her left hand and held out her right to him. “Let me teach you.”
He let out a soft sigh but his face softened as he walked towards her, taking her hand.
She smiled up at him and moved over to give him room to stand beside her. “Its called a rolling pin.” She explained. “It is used to flatten and smooth out dough.”
She took the rolling pin in both hands and gave him another glance and raised her brow. “Are you going to wear that?”
He frowned as he glanced down at his chest. “Yes...is there something the matter? I did think it might have been too casual but you are my wife and have seen me in worse...and less…” he raised a brow suggestively, the corners of his mouth twitching in a smirk.
A delightful flush coated her cheeks and she shook her head. “No it isn't that. In fact I think it may not be casual enough...not for cooking anyway.”
“No?” His eyes widened slightly. “What am I supposed to wear, then?”
Belle giggled quietly. “Oh my darling...we have much work to do with you.”
He frowned in confusion and within only a few minutes of his first lesson he learned exactly what she meant.
Their hands, the counters and their clothes were soon covered in flour, much to his faint horror and Belle’s amusement.
They were nearly finished preparing the dough for the oven when Belle stole a glance up at her husband.
His brow was furrowed in adorable concentration as he worked to finish what was in front of him. She had often seen that look on him as he sifted through paperwork or read a particularly interesting book and she beamed with pride that he seemed to be taking cooking as seriously as he did his royal duties.
However, in dealing with the flour, he must have unknowingly touched his face for his cheeks, chin and forehead were smeared in streaks of white powder.
He pressed his lips together and tilted his head as he finished. “Is it supposed to look this way?” he asked, turning to look at her and she bit her lip to suppress a laugh.
He certainly noticed her eyes dancing in amusement. “What? What is it?”
He looked at her with such innocence she couldn't help but laugh as her mind flashed back to their very first meal together and how he had shoved his furry face into his soup. She thought his chin and mouth covered in the red soup as he licked his lips had been one of the adorable things she’d ever seen. Her human Prince covered in flour was decidedly even more so.
Feeling particularly mischievous, she leaned against the counter and subtly gathered some of the excess flour into her palm.
She grinned and shook her head. “You have a little something on your face…”
She curled her fingers in and then reached toward him, letting out a laugh as she suddenly flattened her palm of flour against his cheek sending the white powder down his neck and across his chest.
She pulled back, her hands flying to cover her mouth at the look of horror that suddenly crossed his features.
He glanced down at his effectively ruined clothes and then back up at her, eyes wide and she snorted in laughter behind her hands.
His eyes narrowed and a smirk pulled at his lips. “Oh, think this is funny, do you?”
She lowered her hands, revealing a full toothed, proud grin. “Incredibly! You look ridiculous!”
And in fact he did, one half of his face covered in flour, some even dusting his formerly perfectly combed blonde hair.
His smirk grew into a wolfish grin, his eyes glinting mischievously as he took a step towards her. Belle let out a small squeak and then laughed as he advanced towards her, suddenly wrapping her up in his arms. She pressed her hands to his chest in an attempt to keep some distance between them but her half hearted attempts proved futile against his strong hold. She let out another peal of laughter, squirming in his arms as he nuzzled his cheek against hers, smearing the flour across her skin. As she turned her head, so did he and he rubbed against her other cheek and then started down her neck.
She let out a gasp in between laughs as the gentle caresses of his lips tickled against her skin. He slowly made his way back up towards her mouth and he pressed a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth, catching her just as she laughed again and then smothered any further sound by pressing his lips firmly to hers.
Her arms instantly flew around his neck, securing herself to him and his grip around her waist tightened in response.
He gently pushed her back up against the counter and let his hands start to wander. Belle eagerly responded to his every touch.
She was vaguely aware of their location with the hard surface of the counter pressing into her back and the scent of flour and the heat of the ovens and she had half a mind to stop him, for the briefest of moments feeling odd to be doing this in the kitchen.
The thought went just as soon as it came as soon as Adam’s warm hands gripped tight on her hips and he moved his lips in such a way against hers to deepen their already passionate kiss.
Her fingers reached for his hair and she untied the ribbon keeping it tied neatly back to let it fall freely across his shoulders. Then she threaded her fingers through his hair and grinned at his audible pleasured response.
All else had been forgotten as they got wrapped up in the feel of each other. Belle had not even realized his skillfull fingers had undone her apron and she probably could have kept going until she finally did feel those same fingers start to work at her dress.
As best as she could in that position, her hands flew to his, stilling them and she finally broke their passionate kiss. He let out a small grunt of frustration but instead lowered his head back down to her neck.
“Adam…” She wrapped her hands around his wrists, trying to scold him but giggled as his lips brushed a sensitive spot. She felt him grin against her skin and it was only when she pushed his hands completely off of her did he lift his head.
She attempted to give him a reproachful look but at the sight of him she only burst into another fit of giggles. He raised an eyebrow which only caused her to laugh harder. With his face covered in flour and his hair in wild disarray he appeared anything but princely.
She imagined she must have looked similar and in fact could see the amusement in his eyes, a smirk at the corner of his lips, and a laugh just waiting to come out.
She grinned up at him, hoping to coax it out and to her delight, he finally broke and a hearty laughter left his lips.
“Good heavens if my appearance is anything akin to yours, I must be a sight!”
She laughed and gently grabbed his face between her hands and pressed a sweet, short kiss to his lips. “A sight indeed.”
She swiped her thumbs gently across his cheeks to wipe away some of the flour. When she lifted her gaze her stomach flipped at the blazing desire in his eyes.
He started to lean in towards her again and she quickly moved her hand to cover his mouth. His brow furrowed into a small scowl and she smiled gently at him. “We came down here to eat.”
“I believe it was you started all of this.” He motioned dramatically to their flour covered bodies and she smirked proudly.
“I will not deny it. However, I was intending on a little harmless, innocent fun, you were the one who went further.”
He raised an eyebrow. “It is the first day I have you as my wife, you should be glad we have left the bedroom at all.”
She rolled her eyes playfully at that.
“Not to mention, from where I stand you seemed to be enjoying it just as much.”
“I never claimed not to enjoy it.” Belle countered. “I do, in fact, enjoy it very much but there is a time for all of that and that time is not now.”
She slithered out of his arms as he let out a heavy sigh. She cast a smile over her shoulder at him, “Don’t you worry...you will not be deprived of anything today.”
The glint returned to his eyes and he smirked. “Oh and I look forward to what you have in mind.”
She raised her brow knowingly, her smile widening at the thought of what she had planned for the day.
She grabbed a cleaning rag off the counter and then stopped to observe their surroundings and she let out a sigh. “We certainly have made a mess, haven't we?”
“Yes, Mrs. Potts will not be pleased.” Adam said with a frown as he observed the state of things.
Belle turned to face him. “Mrs. Potts will not have to know.”
His brow creased together. “Who will then do the cleaning?”
Belle rolled her eyes and crossed the distance between them, shaking her head affectionately as she pressed the cloth into his hands. “We will, of course. We created the mess, we clean it.”
He raised an eyebrow, the one on the cleaner side of his face. “Belle...I don't…”
She crossed her arms and gave him a look that instantly silenced him.
“You were the one who dismissed the staff today. You cannot make a mess of the place and then expect them to clean it all up when they do return. I believe that contradicts the point of giving them the day off. Today, my darling, we are not living as Prince and Princess but Adam and Belle and that means you and I are going to cook and clean.”
She gave him a pointed look and then turned to grab another cloth and start to clean off the counters.
“The day alone was intended for us.” She heard Adam grumble behind her and she turned back to him, her brow raised.
“We are alone, are we not?”
He blinked. “Well...yes...but this was not what I had in mind.”
“It is all apart of life, Adam. Perhaps not the life you are used to but with me it is one you had better start getting used to.”
She ran another few swipes of the rag over the counter. “You know the sooner we clean up the faster we will be able to do...everything else.”
A smirk crossed her lips when he suddenly leapt into motion.
They soon had the kitchen cleaned of all traces of the mess they created, except for the flour still on their persons, which somehow, in his clean up, Adam seemed to get more covered in.
Belle could see by the look on his face that he was growing irritated with the situation but was holding his tongue.
However much he had grown as a person in the last several months she knew there was no changing some of the habits he had been born into.
She reminded herself that, despite the sour look on his face, he still did get down and dirty, doing tasks that a Prince would never dare do.
“I shall never take Mrs. Potts for granted again.” He huffed with a frown and Belle smiled.
“Well she will be pleased to hear that.”
“You do this all the time then?”
“What, clean? Well yes, of course. Though I do not usually make such a mess and I believe your kitchen is larger than my entire cottage.”
He let out a slow breath and shook his head. “Then I admire you all the more for it.”
She smiled softly and placed down the tag and crossed the distance between them to place a hand on his arm. “I am very proud of you.”
His eyes narrowed slightly. “There is no need to be condescending.”
“I’m not...I truly mean it. I know how you were raised and what you believe a Prince should and should not do. You have done very well today and I am proud of you for taking it all in stride. I can't imagine, what with your very faithful staff, this will happen very often so I thank you for obliging me.” She raised onto her toes and pressed a kiss to the side of his face. “Now my dear Prince, I know you are just itching to clean yourself up. You may be excused to change...I will handle the rest of the breakfast set up.”
He glanced over her shoulder to the breakfast still waiting to be made. “Are you certain?”
She nodded. “Yes I can handle it from here. I know when you have reached your limit and I think we both would be much happier if you went to change.”
He glanced back at her and his face softened into a smile. “I do love you so very much.”
“I know and I love you too...just as you are.”
They shared another sweet kiss and then Adam left to change.
---
Almost thirty minutes later Adam returned to the kitchen, freshly bathed and dressed.
“It smells absolutely delightful in here.” He noted as he walked back into the room.
Belle smiled, her back facing him. Then she turned around to speak to him and her words got caught in her throat at the sight of him.
It was almost as if he had foregone dressing like a Prince all together. He wore a plain white shirt, opened at the top to reveal just enough of his chest, and that was loosely tucked into a pair of simple brown trousers. His hair had been thoroughly combed through and removed of any trace of flour but fell loosely around his shoulders. The only other time she had seen him dressed in this way was just after his transformation and it suddenly took her back to that night. She remembered how she felt staring at the handsome man who suddenly took the place of her dear friend, then how when she realized they were one in the same, and the love and joy that overtook her and how she had never wanted to kiss anyone more in her entire life.
All those same emotions built up inside her now, with even more at the knowledge that he was her husband and she could do nothing but kiss him all she'd like for the rest of their lives.
She resisted running into his arms and doing just that. She knew, despite what she had told him about wanting breakfast first, if she did so she would not let him go. She imagined she'd receive no complaints from him but they really did need to eat first.
“What?” he asked with a smile and raised a single brow. “Why are you staring at me?”
She finally took a breath and shook her head. “When I told you to dress more casual I was not expecting you to actually do so.”
He chuckled as he walked into the room. “I did debate with myself whether I should. I did feel rather naked leaving the west wing like so however, as we are indeed alone, I thought I could make the exception.”
She smiled as her eyes once again trailed his form. “I am very glad you did.”
She met his eyes and they grinned at each other, the same glint of desire in their eyes.
Adam began to lean in towards her and she quickly took a step back. He let out a small sigh.
“Is it so very difficult to get a kiss from my wife?”
She raised her brow with a smile. “I have kissed you plenty today already and will continue to do so countless times throughout the day and every other.”
She turned her back to him with a flourish, the skirt of her dress twirling dramatically with her as she practically danced towards the counters.
“Not the time, of course.” He muttered with another sigh. “Perhaps you will inform me when it is the time? That way I do not foolishly get my hopes up.”
She let out a small laugh and glanced over her shoulder. “Oh you will know when it is time.”
She lifted a small platter of fresh fruit and extended it towards him. “Will you take this to the dining room? I've just about finished in here.”
He crossed the room and carefully took the tray from her and eyed it hesitantly as if he wasn't sure how to handle it.
Then he lifted his head and his eyes widened at the spread of food on the counters. “Do you know I have never met a woman with an appetite quite like yours.”
“I have never seen so much food in my life.” She answered with a shrug. “I could not decide what we should have.” She pursed her lips. “Perhaps it is wasteful…”
“I am certain we can find some use for it all.” He assured her and she turned to him with a small smile.
“Go on, then.” She motioned her head and waved towards the entrance to the dining hall. “I shall join you momentarily.”
His eyes lingered on hers a moment longer and then he headed out of the room.
As Belle finished up the rest of the preparations, Adam walked back into the room.
“Could you not wait a few minutes longer?” she asked, voice light with amusement.
“I have spent more days alone in a large and empty room than I care for. I thought perhaps I could be of use instead of waiting alone.”
Her face softened in understanding, her heart once again aching for the lonely man he once was. “If you'd like…” she started to suggest but paused as he started to cross the kitchen towards the china drawers.
He pulled out two sets of dishes for each of them along with a full set of silverware. He turned around to find Belle watching him with a surprised smile.
“I noticed the table had not yet been set.”
“I wasn't certain you knew where to find all of that.”
Carefully balancing the cutlery in his hands, he smirked as he slowly crossed the room towards her. “As I said I have been in the kitchen before. In fact I used to spend a great deal of time here as a boy.”
Her brow lifted. “Really?”
He nodded. “Yes before my mother passed. You see, long before Monsieur Cuisinier, we had another cook. I cannot say I remember her all too well, only that she was very kind and, like Mrs. Potts, had a son that lived with her in the castle and was just around my age. My father, as you can imagine, did not approve of my dealings with the staff's children but I was young and curious and well, frankly, needed a friend. I often snuck off to the kitchens to play with him and his mother would secretly feed us whatever she was making for the house. I enjoyed that a great deal, it was like a game...how many secrets can we keep from Papa?”
Belle smiled at him as they walked in towards the dining room, him with the dishes and she with the food.
She hung on his every word for it was not very often he spoke of his childhood.
He turned to her with a tight lipped smile. “That was before I knew better than to cross him. He was not all so awful when my mother was alive - I suppose she calmed him, or at the very least stopped him before…” he trailed off and then paused as he set the dishes down onto the table and gazed distantly off at the wall.
The smile fell from her face and she carefully set down the food on the table and then reached out to touch his arm gently.
He stirred from his thoughts and glanced down at her and almost at once his face softened.
“The other kitchen maids would use us to count the silverware.” He continued his tale. “I, of course, was already receiving the highest of educations. I could read and write, in several languages and I could certainly count but he could not. Neither could the maids but they at least did know the bare minimum to get their work done.”
Belle nodded, pressing her lips together. “Girls are so often ridiculed for wanting to learn to read and write. I was lucky to have my papa who not only accepted my desire for knowledge but encouraged it but so many young girls, and women for that matter, cannot read. It's barbaric.”
He gave her a warm smile and covered her hand with his. “It is appalling but we will change all of that, Belle. With my influence and your knowledge, no child regardless of gender or class, will be denied an education.”
Belles face softened into a smile and she squeezed his hand. He brought her hand to his lips and brushed a gentle kiss across her knuckles and then continued speaking.
“That all continued until my mother passed. I was in mourning, of course, for some time after and my father would not stand for anything less than the best for me. One day, months after, I realized I had not seen my friend in a long while and I tried to make my way towards the kitchens but was always turned away. “Master Adam, a Prince does not belong down here,”
they’d say. After a while, the more time I spent under my father, the more I focused on my studies and royal duties, I simply forgot about him and all of that.” He frowned deeply and glanced down at the dishes and ran his finger along the intricately designed edges.
“They stayed with us, the both of them, for as long as my father stayed in residence. Once I became of age and my father left this castle to me I…” his brow creased and a look of deep shame and regret passed his features. “I let them go.” He whispered.
“I kept on the most loyal of staff...Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, Maestro Cadenza...Lumiere had only recently joined the staff but his work impressed me so I kept him on as well. However the kitchen staff...I had heard about Monsieur Cuisiner from a guest at one of my parties, the Comte of Somewhere or Other...and then bought him and his entire kitchen staff off of him, which meant of course the current staff at the time were to be dismissed. I had Cogsworth handle it because I didn’t care to.” He scoffed in disgust. “A coward. A heartless coward I was..I have not heard of or seen them since. I do not know what become of them and at the time I did not care to know.”
“That is all behind you now.” Belle told him sweetly, wrapping her arm around his to move in close beside him. “You are not that man anymore and the staff here know you would never do that to them.”
“Do they?” he wondered, lifting his head. “It happened before, who is to say it could not again.”
“You are.” She stressed, tightening her hold on him. “You have changed so much that I cannot even fathom the thought that what you tell me of how you used to be could really be true. Even when we first met, you may have been a little prickly, with a short temper but you were not unkind to your staff. They all adore you, Adam...in my months here I have not heard a single ill word spoken against you.”
He winced slightly. “That is both mine and my father's doing, I'm afraid. No one would dare speak ill against my father and during my teen years I once heard a footman make an offhand remark against me and demanded he be let go. In this castle if you speak ill against the master or his family you were shamefully dismissed.”
“You have changed.” She stressed again, moving her hand to his cheek, tilting his head towards her. “It is evident to anyone who cares to see. Your staff do see, you are not only their Prince but a friend and family, just as I know you feel the same way towards them.”
He nodded with a small smile. “The only family I have known for years.”
“Believe me, they know how you feel towards them. And if by chance I am wrong, which I know I am not, they at least know I would never actually let you do anything of the sort.”
He let out a small bark of laughter and slipped his arm around her waist. “Yes, quite right. I will always have you to correct my narrow minded ways.”
“You are not narrow minded, you are probably the most open minded man I have ever met, or else I wouldn't have married you. You have just been very set in your ways but yes I will be here to remind you when perhaps you are being a little too stubborn for your own good.”
He smiled and leaned in to press a kiss to the side of her head. “I would be lost without you.”
She turned a smile up at him. “You would be fine without me.” She assured him.
He lifted a brow. “I would have been dead without you.” He reminded her.
“Oh…” She was so quick to put some of the worst few hours of her life out of her mind. “Well apart from that.”
“Apart from that.” He chuckled and shook his head.
“I simply mean that I may have influenced your behavior, perhaps opened your eyes to a new life, but you changed yourself and it does not rely on my present and future presence in your life.”
“Your present and future presence are greatly needed in my life.” He countered.
“For your happiness perhaps but not I think, for the maintenance of your character.”
“While I am grateful you believe in me I must say that I find happiness does often directly influence one's character.”
She smiled and turned to face him and wrapped her arms gently around his neck. “Well then I will make certain to always be there for you.”
He smiled and then they both leaned in for a sweet kiss.
Once they parted Adam took to starting to lay out the cutlery whole Belle laid out the food.
Thinking, Belle turned to him. “Do you remember her name?”
Adam glanced up from where he was placing down a knife. “Who?”
“The cook who used to work here. Do you remember her name?”
Adam frowned in concentration and then his face fell. “No.” His voice was low with regret. “I shamefully do not...nor her son.” He sighed and fixed the alignment of a spoon on the table. “Goes to show what sort of friend I was.”
“It’s not your fault.” Belle said quietly and he lifted his head and she smiled sadly. “Your father kept you away from him.” She walked back around the table to stand beside him.
“You said that Mrs. Potts and Cogsworth worked her with her, yes? Well then, I am certain they will remember her and we will find out her name and inquire after her. We’ll find her...we’ll make it right, Adam.”
He gazed at her softly, lovingly. “Thank you.”
She smiled as she slid her hand onto his arm and squeezed it gently. They held each other's gaze for a few long seconds and then Belle released him.
Her smile widened as she turned her attention down to the table. “You know, for a man who claims to be above such simple chores, you do know how to properly set a table.”
He turned a look on her. “I never said I was above it…” he trailed off as she raised her brow at him, her lips twitching in a small smirk and he rolled his eyes. “Alright. I do pay attention to these things. I especially have taken note how my staff do their jobs over the last few months.” He reached down to straighten out a fork.
“Do not tell Lumiere.” He suddenly warned her.
Belle laughed. “Whyever not? He would love it!”
“Precisely. He would never let me hear the end of it and then he would get all of these ideas…”
“I know your staff are so dedicated in their work that they never would even suggest you do your own.”
“No.” He agreed. “It would not stop Lumiere from teasing me however.”
Belle smirked as she leaned into him. “That is good, though isn’t it? That they feel they can tease you without repercussion?”
He hummed lowly. “Good for them, perhaps. It is all in good taste, of course, I do know they don’t mean any harm by their words but it is still at my own expense.”
Belle laughed quietly and gently squeezed his arm. “Alright I will not tell Lumiere.”
He raised an eyebrow knowingly. “Or Plumette...you know she must tell Lumiere everything.”
Belle grinned. “I know very well that she tells Lumiere everything. Very well, I will not tell Plumette or anyone else. Your work skills will remain our marital secret.” Her eyes twinkled up at him as he sighed in relief, squeezing her hand gratefully. “Thank you.”
Belle nodded and laughed again before she released him.
“Oh and Belle,” he called after her as she rounded the corner of the table, “you must stop referring them as my staff. They are ours now.”
Belle paused and her nose scrunched up. “I know but...I do not feel comfortable referring to them as my staff as if I am somehow above them.”
“Logistically you are...I employ them and as my wife, now so do you.”
“They are my friends, first and foremost. You know I do not want to be waited on hand and foot. I only agreed to have Plumette as my lady's maid because Cogsworth insisted I have one and Plumette said we would grow closer because of it and it resulted in a rather nice promotion for her.”
Adam nodded. “Lumiere says she deeply appreciated it and is delighted at the prospect. It is their job, Belle, and they are happy to do it. We do not mistreat them, we pay them fairly, there is no reason for them to be unhappy in their positions.”
Belle sighed quietly. “I understand and I don't believe they are unhappy. It is I that am uncomfortable with the situation.”
“Well as you said, they wouldn't ever dare suggest that I do my own work, I also think by now they know to let you do yours. With your new status as my wife, you may need to remind them of it though.”
“I've already spoken with some of them about it. The whole of last night whenever they approached me they bowed!”
He chuckled quiety. “That is what happens when you are a princess, darling.”
She rolled her eyes. “I did not change in the few minutes between the ceremony! I am the same person I was before we were pronounced man and wife.”
“It is all a matter of custom and respect. For many years they lived and worked for a man...for several...that demanded it. If you did not bow to your superiors, it could be grounds for dismissal. At the very least you were seen as disrespectful which slandered your entire reputation in not only the eyes of the royal family but that of the staff as well. You, my dear, are quite unlike any other princess they have ever met. Your very presence has brought change upon this household, good changes of course, but years of rules and customs are not so easily dismissed.”
Belle frowned. “I never want them to fear me.”
“They do not fear you.” He assured her. “It is not out of fear they act but out of respect and more probably, custom.”
“I suppose I am just not used to receiving respect.” She said quietly, turning her gaze downward. “As a person at all and certainly not as a high member of society.”
Adam frowned as he crossed the distance between them and took her hands in his,drawing her gaze up to him. “You will never feel unloved in this home.” He vowed, looking deep into her eyes.
Belle’s face softened in a smile. “I do not feel unloved. In fact, I am happier than I ever knew I could be. Sometimes I do feel like it will all disappear. I have the adventure I always wanted and I know there will be many adventures to come with you starting with our honeymoon later this week and it all feels a little too good to be true.”
He felt a sudden surge of warmth and love as he listened to Belle. His own fears and worries were being validated by the woman he loved - all his fears were hers too.
“I know precisely how you feel. I often wonder when I will wake up from this dream and once more be alone, cursed as a beast for all eternity. I awoke with you in my arms this morning and thought I must be in heaven.”
“It is no dream.” Belle said with a smile, reassuring not only him but herself.
He raised his other hand to brush a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “It is as real as can be.”
“And it's only just begun.”
They beamed at one another, their shared joy and love reflected in each other’s eyes.
Their tender moment was only broken by the low rumble of Belles stomach as it announced its empty status.
Adam lifted a brow, the corners of his mouth twitching in amusement as he glanced down at her abdomen. “Hungry, are we?”
Belle laughed, releasing his hand to cover her stomach. “I suppose so!”
“Then by all means…” he spread his arm out towards the table. “Let us eat.”
He walked over to the other side of the table and pulled out the chair to the left of the head of the table and then looked up at her with a dashing smile. “Your chair, ma chere.”
She smiled at him softly and walked over laughed quietly as he swept down and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek once she was seated.
She watched him with a smile as he took his usual seat beside her at the head of the table.
They ate breakfast in relative quiet, stealing playful, teasing glances.
It was only towards the end of the meal that the tension between them became almost ready to snap.
Adam nearly dropped his fork and stared in a very undignified manner as Belle picked a strawberry off the plate in front of her and ate it at far too slow a pace.
He wasn't quite certain if she was doing it purposefully, but he gripped the fork tight in his hand, watching as her eyes closed blissfully and she let out a low pleasured hum as she enjoyed the taste of the fruit.
Her eyes widened slightly once they opened and she found him staring at her. The corners of her lips twitched up as she raised her brow. “What is it?”
He cleared his throat and carefully placed down his fork and straightened up his posture. “My darling wife,” he started and her brow lifted further at the obvious tension in his voice, “I beseech you...please...may I kiss you now?”
His eyes darted quickly to her lips and his breath caught as she licked her lips and then smiled slowly.
As she slowly rose to her feet, his eyes drifted back up to hers and his heart leapt at the look in her deep, dark brown eyes.
She kept the smile on her face as she took the few steps toward him. She paused just beside him and he looked up at her eagerly. His hands moved to the arms of the chair to push himself up but her hand shot out to stop him.
His brow twitched and she simply grinned.
Then she leaned down and pushed the chair back and his eyes widened in curiosity.
She pushed it back just a few inches, just enough to allow herself room to slide in and perch herself on his lap.
A gasp caught in his throat and his hands instantly flew to her sides.
Her hands found their way to his head and she slowly combed her fingers through his hair. His eyes fluttered closed, sighing in bliss and he tilted his head back in response.
Her hands settled at the base of his neck and she leaned in towards him. Her lips barely brushed against his and his hands tightened their hold against her.
“Because you asked so nicely…” She whispered against his mouth and her warm breath sent a pleasured shudder through his body. She lightly brushed his lips again and then he let out a low, impatient growl and finally closed the remaining distance between them.
His hands climbed up her sides, leaving a trail of burning warmth and she arched toward him at the sensation.
Her hands slid back into his hair until she was cupping the back of his head, securing his position.
He let out a low, pleasured moan as Belle kissed him deeply. The fire that had been roaring inside of him since their wedding night but had been quelled during their breakfast came suddenly back to life.
He forgot where he was and all that mattered was Belle and how good she felt.
His hands wandered of their own accord and that was when Belle, once again, put an abrupt halt to their activities.
“We just ate.” She reminded him, her voice thick and he chased eagerly after her lips once again.
He hummed against her mouth. “I am still hungry.” He murmured between fervent kisses.
She smiled against him. “I can see that.” She allowed him another long kiss before finally she pulled her head back.
He let out a small sigh and his eyes opened the meet hers and she smiled at the barest hint of a pout on his lips.
“You asked for a kiss and a kiss I gave you. Everything else will have to wait a little longer.”
He raised an eyebrow and she ran her thumb lightly across his cheek. “Do not give me that look. It happens to be a very strenuous activity and we just had a very hearty breakfast. I don't know about you but I would prefer not to feel ill while making love to you.”
His lips set into a frown. “No.” He agreed with another sigh. “I suppose that would ruin the moment.”
She leaned in to press her forehead to his. “All in due time, my love.”
“Due time seems to be taking an eternity.” He grumbled.
She laughed as she pulled back. “It has only been a few hours!”
“A few hours too many.”
She shook her head affectionately and then smiled before she leaned down to once more capture his lips in a slow, deep kiss.
“Hopefully that will be enough to keep you happy for a while.”
He let out a low hum and smiled as his eyes opened to look up at her. “You know that just being with you in any way makes me incredibly happy, I hope?”
A bright smile spread across her face. “Yes, I know. And I hope you know I want you just as much as you want me but we will just need to wait a little longer.”
He nodded. “I understand. Truly, I do. Please forgive my impatience.”
She smiled and pressed a tender kiss to his forehead. “You do not need to apologize and I fully intend to make it worth the wait.”
His breath hitched at the teasing, seductive look in her eyes.
“You are deliberately trying to test my patience.”
She grinned. “Not deliberately…”
He groaned, tilting his head back.
She laughed quietly. “Now I must apologize. I promise I will not tease you anymore until I am ready to follow through.”
He lowered his head with a tight smile. “Much appreciated.”
She caressed his cheek once more and then gave him one last gentle, quick kiss before leaving his lap.
Her effect on him was almost painfully obvious as soon as she stood and he gripped tight onto the chair and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“How would you feel about a walk?” Belle asked, drawing him out of his distracted thoughts.
He glanced to where she stood, gathering the breakfast dishes.
“It is such a beautiful day it would be a shame to spend all day indoors.” She went on to explain at his silence.
He took a deep breath and then nodded, trying to keep his mind off of the indoor activities he so desperately wanted.
“A walk would be lovely, I think.”
Belle turned to him with a warm smile. “Wonderful! I will clean all of this up and then I must change but shall I meet you in our spot?”
He nodded again, clenching his jaw as he tried to focus on anything but the curve of her figure as she leaned over the table.
Belle was not oblivious to her husband's blazing stare. It felt like fire and it took everything in her not to drop everything on the table and climb back into his lap and have her merry way with him.
A flush creeped up her neck and heat pooled in her belly at the very thought. She never expected herself to react this way but Adam awoke things in her she didn't know she could feel.
She certainly wasn't lying when she said she desired him as much as he did her.
It was only the fullness of her stomach that kept her from him but if he kept looking at her that way, it would also be an incredible test of her patience and self control. Traits she once thought she had very much of.
Once again, Adam had a certain way of bringing new parts of herself to life.
She slowly took a breath and ignored him for both their sakes.
She gathered as much as she could in her hands and then finally turned to him, realizing then he hasn't answered her.
“Adam?” she prompted, raising her brow.
With the barrier of the dirty dishes between them, he finally was able to shake off any immediate untoward thoughts.
He cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably and his slight wince did not go unnoticed by Belle.
“Yes of course. I shall meet you there.”
Looking at him, she was half tempted to bring the dishes to the kitchen and then offer to have him help her change. She realized though that would be counter productive in all accounts and kept quiet.
She also wanted to apologize for clearly working him up and leaving him in such a state, especially because she did initiate with no intention to yet follow through. However, she figured drawing attention to it would only make it worse for him, and decided leaving his presence would be the best thing for them both.
“Then I will see you there shortly.” She gave him another soft, hopefully innocent, smile and then bustled past him before she did change her mind.
Adam held his breath as she walked past and then only released it when he heard her enter the kitchen.
Get a hold of yourself, man.
He groaned as he slumped down into the chair and closed his eyes.
He took a few deep breaths and tried to concentrate on something, anything, other than Belle.
He wasn't having very much luck until there was a high screech followed by a low thud from the direction of the kitchen.
He leapt to his feet in alarm and dashed towards the kitchen.
He came to a sudden halt in the doorway at the scene before him.
Belle stood in the middle of the kitchen, absolutely covered near head to toe in flour with an even bigger pile at her feet.
“The sack broke.” She offered to him with a sigh and slapped her hands against her sides in frustration which sent a puff of powdered white flour into the air around her and which also effectively broke him.
A grin split across his face and he broke out into a hearty laughter.
Belle crossed her arms and did her best to try and scowl at him but the sound of his pure laughter was too joyful a sound to ignore.
He caught sight of her attempt at a pout, and with the flour covering nearly all of her dress so there was only a few visible patches of blue, her arms, most of her neck, and scattered in blotches around her face, he couldn't hold back another laugh.
He leaned against the door frame as his body shook.
Her lips twitched up in a smirk and finally she let out a few laughs of her own and her arms fell back to her sides.
The previously high sexual tension between them had effectively been broken as they stood there laughing.
“Oh, my darling,” Adam said with a grin, after he had managed to quiet his laughter. “Do you need any assistance?”
Belle laughed once more and shook her head and waved her hands at him. “No, off with you...I will clean this up.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yes there is no sense in both of us becoming all covered in flour again. Please, go...I will still meet you outside,” she paused and sighed again as she looked at the mess at her feet. “I may just be a little delayed.”
He stifled another laugh by quickly pressing his lips together and then they pulled once more into an amused grin.
“Though if you do not mind, it would be a great help if you could bring in the rest of the dishes.”
“Not at all.” He said past another chuckle and went and did just that.
When he returned, Belle was already working quickly with the broom to clean up the flour. He piled all of the dishes with the others in the sink and then turned to watch Belle.
After a minute, she huffed and turned around, placing a hand on her hip as she did give him a small scowl at the amused smirk on his face.
“Are you just going to stand there all day and stare at me?”
He laughed quietly and took a few steps toward her. “I apologize...am I in the way?”
“Only a little.” She shot out her hands to stop him and he raised his brow. “Please, do not step in the flour...I do not want to have to chase you around the castle trying to clean up after you.”
He glanced down to find himself just inches from the large pile of flour and he nodded and glanced back up at her with a smirk.
“I shall see you outside, then?”
Belle nodded and her face softened again into a smile as she shooed him, grinning, out the door.
Summary: The day after their wedding, Adam and Belle spend some time alone in post-wedded bliss.
Once upon a time in the hidden heart of France a handsome young Prince lived in a beautiful castle.
The Prince had once been selfish and unkind, despite having everything his heart desired.
Or at least, everything he thought he desired.
He soon would learn, with the help from a powerful enchantress and her curse, that life was so much more than expensive objects.
He soon would learn his heart’s true desire lay in the heart of another. A smart, beautiful, bold young woman who came into his life and changed everything.
She brought him to the light, saved his heart and his soul and inspired him to see the simpler and greater things that life had to offer.
In each other they found friendship, understanding, forgiveness and acceptance.
They fell madly, deeply in love and to his heart’s great delight, when he asked she agreed to marry him.
They were married on a beautiful and warm saturday in late summer, a day that he would claim to be the happiest day of his life.
The wedding ceremony was a large affair and would be an occasion the villagers would talk about for decades. After all, It was not everyday one witnessed the legal and eternal bonding of two beings bound by true love
The Prince and his wife were surrounded by friends and family, all celebrating the joyous occasion in a party that lasted well into the evening.
The magical day extended into a passionate night as the newly wedded couple consummated their love and marriage.
And this was only the start of their happily ever after.
-----
Adam awoke to the sunlight streaming in through the open balcony.
The first thing that registered, after the sleepy haze faded, was the pleasant ache in his body. Yet somehow despite that he felt almost weightless.
There was a delightful tingle under his skin - one of deep satisfaction, joy and love.
A feeling he knew was completely due to the woman asleep beside him.
Belle was turned on her side, facing the wall and his eyes trailed over the bare expanse of the skin on her shoulders and back glowing in the early morning sun.
A smile bloomed across his face as he turned onto his side, inching closer to her.
His smile turned into a grin the more he took her in. The small content smile on her lips, the slight flush of her cheeks, her hair falling in disarray across her shoulders - all evidence of their activities through the night.
He had been overjoyed throughout the day, content with Belle - his wife - at his side and getting lost in all the distraction of the party and the attention. However as the night drew on and the wedding guests left he grew more and more anxious to get Belle alone.
The looks she gave him all evening proved Belle was just as eager for him. It took all that was within him not to demand the guests all leave and carry Belle up to the West Wing.
When he did finally get Belle all to himself, in the quiet and privacy of the West Wing, he no longer resisted his desire.
He knew, while it most certainly was not his first time, it was Belle’s and above all wanted her to enjoy herself. So with some minor restraint he kept their love making gentle but even that turned out to be the most passionate night of both of their lives.
It was the second round that he truly held nothing back. Having experienced the pleasure of making love with the woman he loved like nothing else only enhanced his desire for her. He let the beast inside of him come out to play and Belle was not only encouraging but seemed to enjoy it, if her moans of pleasure at his ear were anything go by.
It seemed their mutual desire for each other was never satisfied and their love making continued well into the night until they were both physically exhausted and fell asleep in each other's arms.
Even in her sleep, Belle had the look of a deeply pleasured woman and he felt a surge of pride knowing he had placed that look upon her.
He hated to disturb her when she looked so peaceful but he could not resist touching her. He placed his hand gently on her shoulder and her lips twitched but she did not stir.
He trailed his fingers across her back and smirked as her muscles involuntarily twitched against his movements.
He continued to trail downwards, across the small of her back towards her hip and paused for a moment to spread his fingers across the curve of her hip.
He leaned his head forward and pressed a feather light kiss to her shoulder. Then he continued to move his hand, under the sheet that covered the lower halves of their body to trace across her abdomen.
He grinned against her shoulder as she finally started to stir and a low, sleepily giggle escaped her lips as she smiled.
He continued to sprinkle small, light kisses across the skin of her shoulder as he pressed his chest against her back.
She hummed quietly and her hands moved and sought after his. Her hand found his and then moved up his arm to tighten his hold around her. Her smile widened and then she turned her head towards him.
His breath caught as her eyes fluttered opened to meet his. He knew for as long as he lived he would never tire of the sight of her first thing in the morning, her warm brown eyes still heavy with sleep.
His smile was immovable on his face. “Good morning…” he greeted, his voice low and husky and he pressed another soft kiss to her shoulder. “My beautiful wife.”
Her smile widened and she continued to blink the sleep from her eyes as she melted against him. “Good morning, dear husband.”
His heart soared at the term of endearment and new title, one that meant so much more than Prince ever would.
He knew in that very moment if he were to lose his title, riches and home, he would be content just to live with Belle as her husband.
“Did you sleep well?” he asked and a knowing smirk tugged at his lips at the sudden rush of color to her cheeks.
She bit her lip, only slightly masking her grin. She squirmed in his arms and let out a small hum. “Wonderfully.” She sighed blissfully.
She slowly twisted around in his arms to face him, her nose twitching in a small wince as she moved.
His hand, now rested on her back, trailed softly in and his brow twitched in concern. “Are you alright?”
A lazy but beaming smile returned to her lips and she arched herself against him, pressing their cheats together. She nodded once as she looked up to his eyes, lifting her hand to smooth out any lasting worry lines on his face. “Perfect.” She whispered. “A little sore but still...wonderfully perfect.”
His face softened into a smile and he leaned in to kiss her softly.
She smiled against his mouth, her hand sliding into his hair. He sighed quietly as her fingers lightly caressed his scalp. She hummed in delight, shuddering in his arms as his hand continued to slide up her back, pulling her in closer.
Then without warning Belle gripped the back of his head and pressed her mouth firmly to his. He made a noise at the back of his throat but quickly and eagerly responded. He had intended to keep the kiss sweet and gentle - for now at least - but he was more than willing to go along with his wife's advances.
Then Belle’s hand slid down his neck, sending a delightful shiver down his body, and finally came to rest on his shoulder.
She forcefully shoved him onto his back and while his eyes popped open in surprise, Belle made sure to keep their lips together as she rolled over him to straddle him and pin him to the bed.
His body instantly responded accordingly and his hands fell to her hips, gripping tightly to hold her in place.
One of the very many things he loved about Belle was that she was a very quick learner.
She had been hesitant but not shy, inexperienced but not unwillingly and once she started to learn she picked it up very quickly much to his delight and absolute pleasure.
His heart was beating erratically, the feel of her on top of him was intoxicating.
She finally broke the kiss and lifted up, sliding her hands onto his chest. He let out a breath as he opened his eyes and then inhaled quick and sharp.
He always thought her beautiful and seeing her completely bared to him the night before, glowing in candlelight, was enough to do him in. However, as he looked at her now, bathed in the morning sunshine, beaming down at him in love and joy, her hair falling over her shoulders in waves and her wide brown eyes darkened with desire, he was completely enraptured by her.
When he finally managed to catch his breath, he let it out slowly, his hands slowly sliding up her body, reveling in the feeling of bare skin against bare skin.
“You are so beautiful.” He whispered and her face lit up in a broad grin.
His hands continued upward and she let out a pleasured gasp, her eyes fluttering closed as she tilted her head back.
He let out a low, pleasured groan in response. Her eyes flew back open and locked onto his and a small, mischievous smirk played at her lips.
He grinned back at her, equally mischievous and slowly, tantalizingly she lowered herself back down to press their chests together and once again capture his lips in a kiss.
His arms secured tightly around her waist, holding them together as they kissed.
Then, with another small grin against her mouth, he flipped them over to press her back into the mattress.
He let out a small gasp as she squirmed under him, her hands moving to his hair. “Belle…” he groaned against her lips.
He lifted his head to look down at her. She bit her lip softly and he let out a low growl at the arousing sight. She moved her hand to his face, gently caressing over the stubble of his beard. “Yes.” She said quietly and then slowly grinned.
He grinned right back and without any further hesitation, swept down to kiss her once more.
A little while later they lay in each other's arms, well spent and glowing in the aftermath of their passionate affairs.
Belle wore a content smile, her head rested against his chest, her arm thrown lazily across his abdomen. Adam wore a similar smile, his arm around Belle’s shoulders to hold her in place, their legs tangled together to remain as close as possible.
Belle delighted in the tiny rippling of his muscles as she ran her finger in small circles against his skin.
Adam knew he could spend forever with Belle’s warm body pressed against his own, her soft touches sending wonderful tingles throughout his body.
“I wish we could stay this way forever.” Belle murmured blissfully against his chest and he smiled. As usual, Belle seemed completely in tune with his own thoughts.
He tightened his grip around her and dropped a kiss to the top of her head. “Today we can.”
“Hm?” She wondered.
“Yes...you see, I wanted to assure I had you all to myself today with no distractions. I gave the entire staff the day off and made it clear they were to not remain on the castle grounds.”
She lifted her head, her brow raising as she looked down at him. “What?” She shook her head, a hint of a smirk on her lips. “Where exactly did you send them?”
He chuckled quietly at her expression. “I did not specify where they were to go only that they could not remain here. Mrs. Potts I am certain is more than willing to spend an entire day with her husband and Chip and they, as you know, have a home in Villeneuve.”
“And the others?” She raised an eyebrow.
“I made accommodations in various inns and the like. Do not worry, darling I did not throw them out into the woods. Wherever they chose to go today I am more than certain they are safe and enjoying themselves. Much like ourselves…” He grinned.
She blinked down at him and then let out a small laugh. She shook her head, her brow twitching in thought. “I did think Plumette and Lumiere seemed a little too happy at the wedding.”
Adam nodded. “I am sure they craved some much needed personal time together as much as we did.”
“You sly prince, you…”
He chuckled and she leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips.
As she pulled away a moment later her eyes slowly widened in realization. “We have the entire castle to ourselves.”
A grin split across his lips. “The entire castle….just you and me.” His hand dipped lower on her back, pulling her closer. “As I said I did not want any disturbances today.”
Belle bit down softly on her lip, a familiar look gleaming in her eyes and he wondered what her brilliant, creative mind was thinking. He knew by the excitement in her eyes whatever she had in mind would not disappoint.
Before he even had the chance to ask, she hummed thoughtfully, quietly and then returned her head to his chest and he knew then his wife would be surprising him later on. His heart thudded in anticipation and surely Belle must have noticed. She said nothing and only stretched further around him, securing her body to his side.
His fingers moved to curl in her hair where it splayed against her bare back. She shuddered against him as the tips of his fingers brushed across her skin but no further move was made. For the moment they were both content to just remain quietly in their love’s arms.
Adam closed his eyes and released a gentle sigh, smiling as he lay there in peace. Belle nuzzled against his chest and he felt her smile and he tightened his hold around her and before long they both drifted off.
---
When Adam awoke not even an hour later he immediately felt the absence of Belle’s presence. His eyes still closed, he rolled over, a small smirk pulling at the corners of his lips as he reached for her.
He froze when he was only met with the empty air. For the briefest moments panic gripped tight at his heart.
Alone.
His eyes shot open and the place beside him was empty - but clearly laid in and still warm. He released a breath in relief. Belle had only very recently left the bed. He propped himself up, blinked quickly to clear his vision and slowly looked around the room for any sign of her.
A small smile pulled at his lips as he finally spotted her standing on the balcony, wrapped in nothing but a white sheet.
He quickly slid out of bed, eager to once again join her, and searched the surrounding area for the shirt Belle had torn off of him last night.
His brow furrowed - he spotted his breeches and other articles of clothing including Belle’s dress and undergarments but there was no sign of his shirt.
Out of the corner of his eye he caught a flash of brown as the gentle summer breeze whipped Belle’s hair around her shoulders and drew his attention towards her.
His heart jolted as he then realized she was not in a sheet at all but had adorned his discarded shirt. She practically drowned in the garment and it fell to her mid thigh. A sudden warmth flooded him at the sight and not giving a damn about his own state of undress he sauntered towards her.
He stepped up behind her and slipped his arms around her middle. She let out a small squeak of surprise but immediately relaxed back against his chest, her hands moving to his arms. He smiled and pressed a few light kisses to the skin of her neck.
A delightful giggle left her lips and she smiled, turning her head to give him better access.
“How long have you been awake?” He asked, settling his chin down on her shoulder.
“Not long.” She answered with a contented sigh. “It is such a beautiful morning. As much as I loved being in your arms I had to step outside and enjoy it.”
He turned his attention outwards, looking across the landscape around them. The weather was a perfect temperature for a summer morning, warm with a light breeze.
It was true he did have a newfound appreciation for nature and at times loved nothing more than to observe its tranquility but at the moment he was far too occupied with the other natural beauty in his arms.
“Hm...yes…” He returned to peppering small kisses along her jawline. “Beautiful.”
A smile spread across her lips and she laughed quietly. “Adam…”
She turned around in his arms and met his eyes as she wound her arms around his neck.
“My love?” He asked, raising his brow.
She shook her head affectionately. “You are absolutely insatiable.”
He grinned proudly and she laughed again at his expression. He wrapped his arms tighter around her, pulling their hips together.
“Can you blame me? I married the love of my life and she is quite irresistible.”
He leaned into kiss her and she smiled, letting out a quiet sigh as she melted in his arms.
Slowly his hand started to drift lower and she pulled away just as his fingers brushed across the bare skin of her thigh.
Her eyes opened to meet questioning blue eyes. She slid her hands down to his chest to put some distance between them. “I'm afraid you'll have to resist for now. As enjoyable as that particular activity is I don't believe I am quite ready to go again just yet.”
His eyes softened in realization and he nodded, taking a small step back. “Yes, of course. Forgive me I didn't even think of that.”
She smiled softly and shook her head. “It’s alright. Besides...we do have other needs to attend to in the meanwhile.”
He lifted a brow. “Oh? Such as?”
“Well I am not sure how you feel but you wiped the energy right out of me.”
The proud smirk returned to his lips and she laughed quietly.
“I am in need of some form of sustenance.”
He nodded once, understanding. “Breakfast.”
She smiled and quickly, sweetly kissed his lips. “Breakfast.” She confirmed and then released him.
She walked a few paces into the room and then paused, realizing he was not following her. She turned to look over her shoulder, finding him standing almost helplessly where she had left him.
She couldn't help the heat that rose to her cheeks at the sight of him. Completely exposed and unkempt, the proud figure of a man and one she was allowed to call hers.
“What is it?” she asked, stifling a giggle.
He pressed his lips together and turned to face her. “I have only just realized the implications of dismissing the staff for the day.”
She raises her brow. “Oh?”
“There will be no one to make our meals.”
Belle rolled her eyes and sighed. “That is what concerns you?” She shook her head and crossed the distance back towards him. She gently grabbed a hold of his hands and looked directly into his eyes. “Darling, we are perfectly capable of making our own meals.”
At his look of hesitance she rolled her eyes again. “Very well then I am perfectly capable. I did not grow up with servants and chefs. I will cook for us and today, dear husband, so will you.”
He raised a brow and a hint of shame passed across his eyes. “I am afraid I do not how.”
She smiled at him reassuringly. “I know and that is why I am going to teach you. You have taught me so much about your way of life, it is time you learned about mine.”
He still looked hesitant. “I do not wish to make my wife ill on our first day of marriage.”
She rolled her eyes affectionately. “You will not get me ill. I will teach you, walk you through every step. When I am through with you,” she lightly poked him in the chest with a grin, “You may be a better chef than Cuisinier himself.”
He lifted his brow with a smirk and then chuckled. “It is a very good thing he is not around to hear you say that. He prides himself on being the best chef this side of France.”
She hummed lightly. “Well, he has not yet tried my cooking. My father will attest to my food being the most delicious this side of France.”
He let out a laugh. “I believe it however I don't believe he would be too pleased being replaced by his very own princess.”
Belle let out a small laugh of her own. “I am not seeking to replace him but as you noted we are out of a chef today and you need to learn a new skill.”
He watched with a smirk as she sauntered away from him. “Cooking for myself...what ridiculous notion will you have me do next?” He joked.
He laughed as his own clothing came flying at him.
“You can start with dressing yourself, I suppose.” Belle responded, her eyes twinkling in mirth.
He chuckled deeply as he untangled the rumpled clothing in his hands and walked towards her. “That is something I do know how to do...however I much prefer undressing…”
She gave him a look, and her hand shot out to press against his chest, holding him at a distance. “Breakfast first, Your Highness.” Her eyes scoured over his form and another blush rose to her cheeks. “Besides there's nothing left of you to undress…”
He gently grabbed her hand in his and brought her fingers to his lips, meeting her eyes with sharp intensity. “I was not referring to myself.” His voice was a low rumble and he raised his brow suggestively.
Belle found herself instinctively leaning in towards him, suddenly short of breath and flooded with warmth. An unquenchable desire sat heavy in her gut but it was only slightly surpassed by the hunger pains and the tenderness of her body.
He smirked when she didn't pull away from him and pressed his lips to her palm, keeping his eyes on hers, and then started to trail down to her wrist and down her arm.
He got halfway down her arm before she quickly pulled away and gave him a gentle, scolding look.
“We have all day for that.” She said and then picked up another piece of clothing off the floor and with a smirk, shoved it against his chest. “Stop trying to distract me.”
A smirk twitched at his lips and he raised his brow, feigning innocence. “I've no idea to what you are referring.”
She gave him a look. “Get dressed. I shall meet you in the kitchen.”
She turned around and only took a few steps before she paused. She bit her lip and then spun around to face him.
She then quickly crossed the distance between them, grabbed his face between her hands and kissed him, hard.
His clothes fell from his hands in momentary surprise. Belle pulled away again before he really had a chance to respond and she giggled as he seemed to instinctively follow her movements, desperately chasing after more.
“I simply could not resist.” She told him with a grin and he raised a single brow.
“Yet here you are telling me I need to resist you. You are a helpless tease, Madame.”
She hummed quietly. “The difference between you and I is that I know when to stop.”
His other brow lifted. “I feel as if I should be insulted - I have tremendous self control.”
She laughed quietly and his eyes widened as she slowly leaned down to pick up the clothing he had dropped. His breath caught as he watched her, his hands twitched at his sides and he couldn't have fought his body's own reaction to her close proximity if he wanted to.
She grinned at him, seeing how his eyes had darkened, and once again handed him his clothes. He narrowed his eyes at her and growled quietly, “Tease.”
She lifted her brow with a knowing smirk. “We have all day for that. A lifetime, even.”
He pressed his lips together and grunted quietly. “Forever can spare a minute?”
Her smile widened. “Or an hour or two.”
He sighed heavily and closed his eyes. She smiled affectionately and softly brought her hand to his cheek. “I will meet you in the kitchen.”
His eyes opened and he nodded with a small, resigned smile.
She gave him one last smile before finally turning to walk away. His fingers gripped right around the material of his clothing as he watched her walk away, fighting the impulse to chase after her with every gentle sway of her hips. She paused in the doorway and gave him one last withering look over her shoulder and he knew she had been doing it on purpose and that it was going to be a very long and very wonderful day.
Summary: He suddenly felt breathless as an overwhelming love washed over him. He was reminded for perhaps the hundredth time, but it truly was a fact that would astound him for all of time, that Belle not only loved him for the man he was now but as the beast he once had been.
Link to A03
Adam sighed heavily as he placed down the quill onto his desk. He brought his fingers to his temples hoping to relieve some of the tension in his head.
He had been absolutely up to his ears in work since he and Belle returned from their honeymoon a few days prior. Once he left the castle grounds he thought of nothing but his beautiful wife at his side and the adventures they would share together as they travelled across France and into Italy. For those wonderful, blissful weeks he forgot he was a prince at all. He was just a man, for once completely at peace with the world, enjoying every precious second he had with Belle.
She could have dragged him across the entire globe and he wouldn’t have minded. He had told her so and she smiled, laughed and then kindly reminded him that they had a home in France, with her father and their friends who relied on him.
Their brief escape had not nearly been long enough and before long they had returned to France and he was once again swept into his duties. And because he had been away for so long there was even more waiting for him to take on.
Cogsworth nearly locked him in his study a few times whenever he tried to sneak away to find Belle. He’d much rather be with her after all.
Belle busied herself in her own work - splitting her time between the workshop and her inventions and planning the new library and school in Villeneuve. In the last few days the only time they really ever saw each other was in the mornings, at dinner - because Lumiere would shoo Cogsworth away and graciously reprieve Adam from his duties to eat - and at night when they were too exhausted to do anything but sleep.
It was times like these where he almost - almost - missed the time of the curse. No one was there to bother him, he was not responsible for anything, and it wasn’t like he disliked being a prince, there were just times where he became overwhelmed.
His only saving grace was in Belle.
He scrubbed a hand over his face and then looked over to the window. The sun was just beginning to set and it was only then he realized how dark the room had become.
Shuffling and stacking the papers on his desk, he shoved them off to the side for the night and rose to his feet.
He stretched out his stiff muscles and then extinguished the two small candles on his desk. The room plummeted further into darkness, lit only by the dim setting sun and then he headed out of the room, eager to find Belle.
He passed the dining hall where a few of the staff were gathered for an evening chat - relaxing after a long day of work.
He paused in the doorway to quickly bid them all a good night and then continued on his way towards the west wing.
Once again he was far too tired to even think of doing anything intimately physical with his wife that evening but he craved her touch and looked forward to being able to hold her in his arms.
Perhaps, if he was lucky, she might even read to him. They often took turns reading to each other at night, falling asleep to the sound of the other’s soothing voice. Or even simply to read separately, quietly with their own books but cuddled together on the bed or couch.
For that reason, as well as some others that involve other nighttime activities, nights quickly became one of his favorite times of the day. It was the only time he truly had Belle all to himself.
“Belle?” He called quietly as he stepped in through the doors to their shared room.
There was no response and the room was quiet but he was drawn to a small, dim light in the far corner of the room.
His face softened into a smile as he found Belle fast asleep and curled up in a chair, wrapped in what appeared to be a large white shawl, a book sprawled open across her lap.
He quietly padded across the floor towards her. He gazed down at her lovingly and wondered if there was any a more beautiful creature than his wife.
He carefully lifted the book from her lap and placed it on the table beside her, careful not to disturb a single page. He received a very scathing look the last time he accidentally closed a book she was reading and misplaced her page.
He turned his attention back to her and his heart suddenly leapt into his throat as he realized she was not wrapped in a shawl, but a shirt. His shirt, but not just any shirt. A shirt that had been about three sizes too large for the last few months. A shirt that he thought he had safely locked away, never to be seen again, along with many other things associated with those dreadful years.
Belle, and her ever clever, curious mind must have known where he hid it.
He suddenly felt breathless as an overwhelming love washed over him. He was reminded for perhaps the hundredth time, but it truly was a fact that would astound him for all of time, that Belle not only loved him for the man he was now but as the beast he once had been. She loved him first in that form - loved him so deeply, so truly, that it broke his curse.
There was evidence of that same love in her eyes every day when she smiled at him, talked with him, lay in his arms every night and whispered words of that love.
There was nothing more evident of that love than the sight before him now. Belle wrapped lovingly in that shirt, slumbering peacefully in that small but simple reminder of him.
He let out a small, shuddering gasp as he finally took a breath and blinked back tears that threatened at the back of his eyes. He swallowed past the sudden thickness in his throat and quietly reached down to brush a strand of hair away from her face.
Her lips twitched up but she did not stir, only sunk further into the chair, cuddling her head into her shoulder.
He hated to disturb her but knew he could not leave her there all night. As gently and carefully as he could he maneuvered Belle into his arms.
Her head lolled against his chest and as he turned slowly to carry her towards the bed, her eyes fluttered open. She tilted her head back and a small smile crossed her lips. “You’re here…” She whispered sleepily and he smiled down at her.
“Yes…” He answered just as quietly. “My apologies for being so late.”
She shook her head slowly and closed her eyes, resting her head back against his chest. “You aren’t…” She sighed quietly. “I am sorry I fell asleep.”
“There is no need to be sorry.” He placed her down gently onto the bed and dropped a sweet kiss to the top of her head before pulling away. She hummed in protest at his absence and lazily extended her arm out towards him. A smirk tugged at the corner of his lips but his heart soared at the adorable way she seemed to be drowning in the overlarge shirt.
“Don’t leave…you’ve only just arrived…”
He smiled and sunk down onto the bed beside her. She instantly curled up against his side, resting her head on his chest.
“I am not going anywhere.” He vowed quietly, dropping another kiss to her head.
She smiled and nuzzled against his chest. “How was your day?” She mumbled sleepily.
He shifted carefully on the bed to get himself into a more comfortable position and wrapped his arm gently around her shoulders to hold her close. “Oh...boring.” He grumbled and then his lips twitched as he heard her laugh quietly. “Better now that I am with you.”
She hummed again and turned her head in to press a soft kiss to his chest and then settled her head back down.
“I missed you today.” She murmured.
“You mean to say you don’t miss me every other day?” He teased lightly, raising his brow and then laughed quietly as she gently pinched his side.
He felt her smile against his chest. “Of course I do. I miss you…” She trailed off, her words stifled by a yawn. “...I miss you every day...and I know that is silly…” She let out a little sleepy sigh. “We are, after all, in the same building...I should not miss you when you are just across the castle…”
“Just across the castle may as well be across the world for all the time we have spent apart the last several days.”
She grunted quietly in agreement.
“You should remind Cogsworth that is unfair and borderline cruelty to separate a recently married couple for so long.”
He laughed, the sound rumbling in his chest, causing her to smile.
“Believe me, love, I have done so on more than one occasion. I think the novelty of ‘true love’ has worn out on him already.”
“Well then,” She breathed, “I shall have to appeal to him myself.” She stifled another yawn. “I understand you have your duties and it's all very important but sometimes you are also needed elsewhere.”
“And where would that be?”
“With me of course.”
He chuckled and pulled her closer against him. “But of course...the only place I shall ever want to be.”
She smiled and snuggled closer against him, stretching her leg over his.
“Will it be soon, do you think?” She asked after a few moments of silence.
“What’s that?” He said quietly against her hair.
“That you and I will be able to spend more than a few hours together?”
He scoffed quietly. “I certainly do hope so. I might start to go mad otherwise…” His lips twitched in a smirk.
“That settles it then. I will speak to Cogsworth tomorrow.” Her voice was quiet, thick with fatigue but ever confident as her way.
His smirk widened at the very thought. “My savior.” He whispered against her hair and she laughed quietly.
The conversation then faded and he could feel Belle start to fully relax against him as she drifted off back to sleep.
He knew he would eventually have to move but he also knew it would not be anytime soon - to not disturb Belle and simply because holding her in his arms was one of the greatest joys of his life.
Belle murmured a goodnight and what he thought must have been an ‘I love you’ but was muffled by her own exhaustion and his chest. He closed his eyes, pressing a tender, lingering kiss to the top of her head and within minutes she was once again sound asleep.
He stared down at the top of her head, his hand moving in small, gentle circles across her back. His fingers kept get caught in the excess material of the shirt and his chest once again tightened as his thoughts were pulled back to its very significance.
It was something he had worn days upon days - there were not many clothes that fit him in that form though he always wondered why the Enchantress bothered to make him any outfits at all.
He had spent countless lonely, miserable nights with nothing but that shirt to remind him of the human he once had been. He clung to it desperately, foregoing everything else that had once made him human, even the bed to make a place on the floor to sleep instead. However just as everything else as the days bled into months that bled into years, his humanity slowly slipped away and the shirt was nothing but a useless piece of clothing that he wore out of habit more than anything else.
Then Belle showed up and reminded him what it was to be human. In the very end it did not matter what form he was in - Belle had brought him back, loved him, accepted him despite it all.
Just as she had reclaimed his heart, by wearing that shirt she reclaimed it as something good. Not a symbol of all he had lost - but all he had gained.
He had gained love in its purest, truest form and found it all in Belle.
Summary: In the parallel world the Doctor had a dream that seemed entirely too real.
Notes: I had this idea in my head for a while but wasn't sure I was going to write it until there was the prompt from @doctorroseprompts . I also found it very appropriate with the timing of the release of the new Beauty and the Beast movie what with the age old comparison between TenToo and Ten and the human Prince and the Beast after his transformation.
Read On A03
It was something he didn’t even realize was there - not until it was suddenly ripped out of him and he was left with a strange emptiness inside him.
He watched it all unfold before him and for a moment thought it had been him. He thought he had been the one in the TARDIS, every cell of his body burning with pain that had been suppressed for too long as he fought the inevitable. Then there was the oh so familiar tingling of the powerful energy of the time vortex itself preparing his body for a change.
He felt it growing and growing inside him getting ready to burst from him.
“I don’t want to go…” He had said.
And then -
He shot up, his heart pounding in his chest, his breath leaving his lips in short, quick pants.
He glanced wildly at the dark surroundings, trying to make sense of where he was and what had just happened.
Was he not just in the TARDIS? Was he not just about to regenerate? He could feel it. Clear as the eleven other times that happened before it.
“Doctor?” A groggy, soft, familiar voice and a gentle touch to his arm sharply pulled him back to reality with a gasp.
He turned around, wide eyed and was met with a half-awake Rose Tyler, propped up on her elbow, blinking up at him in concern.
“You alright?” She asked, now sitting up, fully taking in his frantic expression.
Just like that it all came crashing down around him.
He had not just been in the TARDIS, he had not been in the TARDIS for almost two years. He had been living with Rose - he was married to Rose - in the parallel universe. He had not been just about to regenerate - he would never regenerate again.
It had all just been a very vivid nightmare. It was not the first time he dreamed about his past - he missed space travel very much as happy as he was in this new adventure with Rose.
And yet…
And yet...it felt so entirely real.
“Doctor?” Rose prompted again, her hand now sliding into his.
“Yes I…” He paused, the words dying on his tongue.
He blinked rapidly trying to solidify himself in this reality. Despite the solid form of Rose beside him and her very real touch he felt extremely disoriented.
That dream was more vivid, more real than anything he'd ever dreamt before. He was finding it hard to believe it wasn't real.
“Was it a nightmare?” Rose wondered, keeping her eyes on his face.
His brow furrowed. “I don't know.” He said quietly, his eyes focused on the wall behind her.
She squeezed his hand again. “The time war?”
Finally he turned his gaze to her.
Her voice had been so quiet and tender as it always was when she approached the topic of the time war. Rose had spent many days and nights comforting him and he was always touched by how concerned she was for him every time she did.
The corners of his lips twitched. “No.” He breathed, relieved. Nightmares and memories of the time war had been less frequent since he became this version of himself.
However, it still left him with that surreal and uneasy feeling that he was feeling now. What he saw and felt and heard was not just a nightmare.
Rose also visibly relaxed but only for a moment before the concerned and curiosity returned to her eyes. “What did you see?”
“I was regenerating.” He told her and her eyes widened for a moment.
“Oh, Doctor…” She breathed. “Which time?”
He pressed his brow together, shaking his head. “That's the thing, Rose...it wasn't any of my past regenerations. It was like I was regenerating...me, the way I am now.”
“You said that wasn't possible though, yeah? That you'd never regenerate again.”
He nodded once, distractedly. “Yes, it's not possible in this human body.”
Rose nodded slowly. “So it was a dream then.”
He shook his head slowly, his frustration of his own misunderstanding growing with each second. He could not shake the feeling that something was wrong. It wasn't just the memory of regeneration- that was a similar feeling but not the same. It was like something was missing, like something was suddenly just gone-
He gasped suddenly, his eyes widening and Rose’s eyes widened in alarm.
“What is it?”
“Bloody hell...” He whispered and brought his free hand to his chest. Rose’s eyes darted down, following his gaze, brow furrowing in concern.
He felt his one heart solidly beating against his hand.
“Doctor, what?” Rose pressed, looking back up to him and inching in a little closer so their knees were pressed together.
“It wasn't me. Well, obviously it couldn't be me but it was real.” He met her wide eyes with his own. “It was him.” He whispered. “Rose, it was him…”
Roses face went almost blank, her body tensing. “Him….you mean…”
The Doctor nodded slowly. “I saw it, I felt it. I didn't even realize...but I suppose it makes sense in some way. I was created from him, I'm a part of him...so someway on some deep buried level we were connected.” He marveled for a moment at the miraculous discovery. Then he frowned deeply, that emptiness inside him now suddenly deeper than ever. “He's gone.” His voice grew deep and low. “He regenerated.”
His eyes drifted back to Rose and he could see the emotion building in her eyes.
After a small period of adjustment, Rose accepted him pretty quickly. They acted on feelings they denied for too long and led blissfully happy lives the last two years in Pete's World but he knew, he knew, Rose thought about the full Time Lord that had left them behind. There were periods of time she just looked so sad and he didn't even have to ask where her mind was. It was with him. And even though he was him, he also wasn't and just like the the Time Lord would always carry Rose around with him, Rose also carried a piece of the Time Lord with her.
She had that same look in her eyes now and he felt at a loss for what to say. He always knew to leave Rose alone when she was thinking about him because she would always come back to him with a smile and a twinkle of love in her eyes.
He felt the loss of the TARDIS every day. He felt the loss of time and space travel. He missed being a full Time Lord (most of the time - there were some perks about being human).
Though he could never feel what Rose felt - his loss - until now.
Oh the Doctor still existed, right there in him and in the now recently regenerated Time Lord, galavanting across the other universe with fresh eyes and - hopefully - a renewed spirit.
But just like when he has regenerated the first time in front of her, Rose’s Doctor as she knew him was gone.
Rose blinked quickly and tears pooled in her eyes but never fell. She took a slow inhaling breath and swallowed thickly.
“Was he happy?”
His heart broke as her voice shook.
He knew, they both knew, that when the Time Lord had left them on the beach he was not happy. He had given up his happiness to give them their chance that he could never have.
He knew what the Time Lord felt because he was him - he knew how much he loved Rose and how much losing her at Canary Wharf devastated him. He knew the sacrifice that had to be made for Rose on Bad Wolf Bay and...he knew Donna’s fate.
Was he happy?
He could feel the Time Lord’s pain as if it were his own - the physical pain from dying and suppressing regeneration but also the emotional pain.
I don’t want to go.
That is what he said. He was holding on to that version of him for whatever reason. The Doctor would live on but still he didn’t want to go.
“I don’t know.” He whispered and he knew Rose didn’t believe him.
Her jaw clenched and she averted her eyes, taking a shuddering breath.
“How did it happen?” She asked quietly, still looking away.
“I don’t know.” He answered honestly. “It was in the TARDIS.” He went on quietly and Rose slowly looked back at him trying fiercely to hold her emotions at bay.
“He was resisting it. We can...I mean...Time Lords can put it off...for a time. It’s not pleasant but it is possible and he definitely fought it for as long as he could.”
Rose furrowed her brow but stayed quiet and her unasked questioned just seemed to hang in the air.
Why?
He shook his head slowly. “He couldn’t hold it back forever. Though he could have chosen not to regenerate at all.” Rose’s brow shot up and explained cautiously. “I mean...he could have chosen to let whatever was killing him kill him. We don’t have to regenerate but most of the time it is a superior option to dying. So at least he didn’t want to die...that’s something I suppose.”
Rose’s lips twitched in a half, sad smile.
The Doctor took a deep breath. “It was strong - the regeneration energy.” He held out his hands in front of him. “It’s like I can still feel it…” He muttered and Rose frowned as she looked down at his hands.
She slowly reached out to place her hands under his, flipping them around so they were palm to palm and their fingers wrapped around each other's hands before slowly rotating so their fingers could interlock.
Rose lifted her head, meeting his eyes sadly.
“You were there...with him.”
“Sort of. It’s….complicated. Time Lords are a telepathic race but I’ve never connected with myself before and I have been in the same place and same time as one of my past selves. More than one actually and more than once. But I’m different...I’m him but I’m seperate. I never could have communicated with him, I don’t think but in his last moments in this body…” He drew his hands back to his chest, bringing Rose along with them and she easily came, practically climbing into his lap. “We were going to be separated for ever...the connection was as strong as it ever would be and then completely severed for good.”
Rose frowned and sighed deeply as she rested her head on his shoulder. He shifted his position, opening his legs so Rose could fit comfortably between them.
He rested his chin on the top of her head and stared off at the far wall.
“Was there anyone with him?” Rose asked, her voice quiet and he felt his heart breaking again.
He didn't remember seeing anyone but that didn't mean that there wasn't. Although, there was the ever present sting of loneliness.
“I'm not sure.” He answered honestly and held onto her tighter. “I could really only see him…”
He trailed off as a sudden memory flashed before him. At least...he thought it was a memory. He knew it wasn't his memory but perhaps it was something the Time Lord had witnessed just before he regenerated.
“Although…” He murmured thoughtfully send then trailed off again. Rose lifted her head curiously.
He tilted his head down to meet her eyes and as he stared into her captivating brown eyes, there was another flash. It was clear as day as if he himself had been there.
The freshly falling snow, the very smell of winter in the air and the echos of all of a London celebrating.
And a face...sweet and smiling….pink and yellow...and so young.
He quickly shook his head. “No that's impossible.”
Rose quirked a brow and leaned back to better look at him. “Doctor, nothing’s impossible with you. What is it? What did you see?”
His lips twitched up for a moment and then he inhaled deeply and lifted his shoulders in a shrug.
“I saw you.”
“Me?” She leaned back further in surprise and their joined hands dropped to her lap. “With him?”
He pressed his lips together and shook his head. “No...not exactly…” He used his free hand to scratch the back of his neck. “I saw him in the TARDIS but I also saw you but you're out on the streets...it's snowing…” He pressed his brow together. “You looked so young.”
Rose tilted her head, puzzled and he smirked.
“Believe me, I can't make head or tails of it either but it's definitely you. I'd know that face anywhere.”
He lifted his free hand to her face, caressing her cheek and she allowed a small smile, leaning into his touch.
“I bet you're going to have a really great year.”
Suddenly Rose froze in his arms, her eyes widening slowly. “What did you just say?” She whispered.
He blinked, quickly shaking his head. “It just sort of popped into my head. I think I must have said that to someone.”
He frowned in corners as Rose’s face flashed in recognition and then her eyes welled with tears.
“Oh my god…” She whispered and dropped his hand to cover her mouth.
“What is it?” He moved his hand to rest comfortingly on her knee.
She stayed silent for a long moment just slowly shaking her head and then she lowered her hand and sniffled as a few tears rolled down her cheeks.
“I remember.” She whispered.
“Remember what?”
She sniffled again and wiped at her cheeks. She cleared her throat as she turned to him. “Years ago, on New Years, just after midnight I was out with Mum. She wanted to stay out but I was just gonna go home. There was a bloke…” She pressed her brow together, shaking her head and she looked down at her lap. “He was hidden in the dark but completely pissed. Didn't even know what year it was.” She allowed a small smile before it quickly fell again. “He sounded like he was gonna be sick at any moment - moaning and such. He asked what year it was,” Her voice broke with sudden emotion and tears welled her eyes, “I told him...and that's what he said.” She looked back up at the Doctor. “I bet you're going to have a really great year.” She repeated breathlessly.
His eyes were wide as the realization swept over him. Of course it was her. The Time Lord had gone back in time to see her...to say goodbye.
“What year was it?” He whispered.
“2005.” She answered just as quietly.
“2005.” He echoed and a small smile twitched at his lips. “The year we met.”
She nodded, smiling a watery smile of her own. Her lips trembled and a few more tears rolled down her cheeks as the emotion visibly swelled inside her.
“It was you...I mean it was-it was him and I didn’t even know it. Oh my God, he was right there in front of me and he was dying and I didn’t even know…” She broke off with a sob and the Doctor’s eyes widened and he moved quickly, taking her face gently in his hands and looking intently into her eyes.
“Hey, Rose, look at me…” She took a shuddering breath but met his eyes. “He didn’t want you to know, alright? If I know him, and I do know him because I am him, he probably didn’t even have any intention of even talking to you that night. All he wanted to do was see you again and he couldn’t have risked visiting you at a time where we had already met - timelines, you know.”
She sniffled, nodded and let out a small whimper.
“I could have helped him.” She said in a small voice. “Even without knowing who he was I would have…”
“I know.” He smiled weakly and leaned in to press a tender, lingering kiss to her forehead. “I know you would have my beautiful, brilliant girl.”
She closed her eyes and a few more tears rolled helplessly down her cheeks and she leaned in to rest her forehead against his.
No words passed between them for a few minutes - the only sounds being Rose’s slightly labored breathing and the pounding of their own hearts.
The Doctor could do nothing but hold Rose and comfort her while she mourned. He had been a little frustrated when she first mourned him just after he left them on the beach, because the Time Lord was gone but he, the Doctor, the Doctor that loved her, the Doctor that remembered every single moment they spent travelling together was right there in front of her and she couldn’t see it. He gave the the space she needed and eventually she came to him with acceptance that he was the Doctor - the very same one she loved.
Now she mourned him again and this time he mourned with her. He knew the pain the Time Lord must have felt the last several years on his own. For surely, he was on his own. He knew himself well enough to know that after losing Rose and Donna his wounded hearts would not so easily take on another companion.
The only solace he had was knowing that a regeneration often came with a new outlook on life for him - in some way. He was still the same man but it was seeing the universe with fresh eyes and a new personality. One that was just as much fun to discover as the universe itself.
He hoped that wherever the Time Lord was that he got a good new body. One that might even -
“Rose,” He murmured against her hair and she hummed from her place now on his chest. “Do you think finally…I might be ginger?”
To his delight and relief Rose let out a laugh and buried her face in his chest, muffling the sound for a moment before she pulled away to look at him, smiling that Rose Tyler smile.
She sniffled and wiped at her cheeks, letting out another small laugh. “I dunno.” She shrugged. “Maybe. I hope so.”
He grinned back at her. “Yeah, me too...because that would definitely be a plus side to regeneration.” He turned his eyes upward thoughtfully. “Yeahhh, he’s gotta be! I’m telling you, Rose Tyler, somewhere out there in that old universe of yours there’s a brand new, ginger Doctor, travelling the stars in the TARDIS, saving species and planets and just being absolutely brilliant.” He looked back down at her.
She smiled for half a second then bit her lip and looked back at him through curious, hopeful eyes. “Yeah, you think so?”
“Absolutely.” He nodded and reached out to take her hands, his face softening. “It was time for him, I think….to move on. To face the universe again and have a brand new adventure...just as he gave us the chance to have our brand new adventure here - together.”
Her lips twitched up in a small, sad smile and she squeezed his hands and nodded. “I just want him to be happy.”
He released her hands and brought one of his hands up to brush a strand of her hair out of her face. “You saved me from self destruction.” He told her earnestly and her lips twitched up a little bit more. “You brought a light back to my life and along with it a joy I never thought I could feel again after the Time War. You made me the happiest I’ve been in a very long time and no matter what has happened since...I was created... and I went my way and he went his...he will always have those memories of you and I know he will always think of them with joy in his hearts. Sadness too...oh yes, there will be plenty of that but I think you will always be a source of joy for him, whether you’re there or not. That is why he choose to come to you just before regenerated. To say a final goodbye, of course, but more than that because your very presence would make him feel better. You said you wanted to help him, Rose...well you did, you helped him more than you'll ever know.”
Her lips trembled and then she hoisted herself onto her knees and propelled herself forward, wrapping her arms around his neck.
He let out a small grunt at the impact but easily welcomed her, slipping his arms around her and holding her tight to him.
She slipped one hand into his hair and buried her face into his shoulder, squeezing him tightly.
She lifted her head only for a moment to whisper in his ear. “I love you, my Doctor.”
His chest swelled with warmth and his throat tightened with a flood of human emotion.
The love he felt for the woman in his arms was immeasurable. He thought he had loved her when he was just a Time Lord, and he had, oh there was no doubt about that, but his human side fell for her harder and deeper than he ever thought possible. As a Time Lord he tried to understand human emotion and compared to the rest of the species, he did a fairly good job of it. Being human however brought brand new experiences and feelings the Time Lord couldn't understand if he tried. He had Rose who already made him more human than he ever had been and then he was made from Donna - one of the most compassionate and caring human beings he'd ever known.
“I love you, my Rose.” He murmured against her hair and she snuggled back into his shoulder.
After another few minutes of remaining wrapped in the comfort of each other's arms, Rose finally pulled away, releasing him and returning the spot in front of him.
Her cheeks were still tear stained but she seemed a little more at peace now.
She let out a small sigh and gave him a small smile.
“He’ll be alright, won't he?” She asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears.
The Doctor smiled softly. “ ‘Course he will. He's always alright.”
Rose gave him a knowing look. “I mean...he'll really be alright. Not in the Doctor “I'm always alright but not really” sort of way.”
He chuckled quietly. “You know me too well, Rose Tyler.”
She grinned. “And that's just the way you like it.”
He took her hand and brought it to his lips, brushing a tender kiss over her knuckles. “Always.” He answered and they shared a loving smile.
“Yes Rose...I do think he’ll be alright.” He answered her seriously, wrapping his fingers around hers and resting their joined hands on his lap. “He’s moving on as we always have done. He’s brand new now….regeneration truly does wonders sometimes.”
Rose smirked. “New New New Doctor.”
He grinned. “Welllll technically he’d be the new new new new new new new new new new new new Doctor.”
She laughed quietly and lifted a brow. “How many new’s was that?”
“Entirely too many.” He laughed but then was hit with a sudden sinking feeling in his gut. It was twelve new’s. Twelve new’s for twelve regenerations which meant, much like him, the new new new Doctor would never regenerate again.
Rose thankfully didn’t notice any change in expression due to his sudden revelation.
She bit her lip and let out a small laugh and he gave her a small, half smile.
After they settled back into bed and Rose fell back to sleep curled up to his side, the Doctor’s attention was drawn to the window.
For once the dark skies were cloudless and the stars seemed to shine brighter than ever.
One life, that was all they had left. He was more than content living the domestic life with Rose and he hoped more than anything that the Time Lord, wherever he was, whatever he was doing , was finally content with his life too.
