#favrd is down

[thisdayinfavrd]

November 14, 2009

Ever since I got married, my bachelor's degree has been useless.  Just kidding! It's a bachelor's degree! It's ALWAYS been useless! Hahasob!   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 107

They should make two lanes at the supermarket. One would be for fast people. The other would be lava.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 104

Today was the worst day ever. 1st someone mistakes me for a woman, then I was called "Queer" and to top it off, I got a run in my stocking.   @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 92

The reason Canadians are so nice is because our national animal is the beaver and we're too distracted thinking of dirty jokes to be mean.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 80

Made my son dress up in my daughter's clothes and have a tea party with me. He got a Happy Meal, I got a nice Friday night, win-win.   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 77

Wait. You said "Creed concert"? I thought you asked if I wanted to go with you to collect maggots from rotting feces. Never mind. I'll pass.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 67

Notice how the commercials for the fancier cat food only shows *white* cats?  Also: I'm hungry.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 66

Oh come on, guys. Everyone knows the Constitution is only relevant when it comes to owning guns and not wanting to help poor people.   @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 65

During the course of today I had Excedrin, Theraflu, DayQuil, Robitussin, Triaminic, NyQuil and a conversation with Benjamin Franklin.   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 63

Drinking this glass of wine makes me feel all kinds of upper-middle class, like when I go to Walmart without a camouflage hat on.   @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 62

So YouTube is gonna stream 1080p that nobody will be able to watch. There's a metaphor in there somewhere, but right now it's buffering.   @aedison (Avery Edison) – 57

My entree at the restaurant was somewhat disappointing. Friday the 13th strikes again.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48

Sometimes I wish I was a waitress at the Cup of Shut the Fuck Up Cafe. Except for the being a waitress part.   @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 47

I have a split personality and they are both Geminis.  That makes four of us in here.  And we all want a gin martini.   @damselesque (Beth) – 44

I'm not saying what went on in that hotel bathroom exactly but I went through three rolls of toilet paper and two midwives.   @biorhythmist (matt) – 38

You seriously think Jack and Jill went up to "fetch a pail of water"? WAKE UP PEOPLE YOU ARE SO NAÏVE.   @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 38

My parents just informed me they have tickets to see Glenn Beck.  Now taking applications for new parents.   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 37

'Aunt Flo' is not 'paying a visit'.  You're having your period and I'm hiding the fucking knives.   @ian_Wright (Ian Wright) – 36

Sure, seals can balance beach balls on their noses. But can they balance a checkbook?  'Cos I can't. And I'm willing to hire a seal to help.   @aedison (Avery Edison) – 36

The origin of unlucky number 13 goes back to biblical times and the number of people at the Last Supper who requested separate checks.   @davio1962 (David Leibowitz) – 35

[thisdayinfavrd]

November 16, 2009

Obama says he doesn't tweet because his thumbs are too clumsy. Which is a polite way of saying he has a real job.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 154

Missing tweet #5750649539   @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 132

I think the most exciting part of sex is when I turn on the light and the couple finally sees me.   @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 111

Can anyone recommend a therapist who won't "freak out" when you get naked and cuddle with them like you do with your uncle?   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 99

I wonder if turtles ever get confused while pooping and squeeze their heads off.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 79

Out-of-context phrase your wife can say while on the phone with her mother that can make you pay attention:  "Marriage of convenience"   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 77

I think it's pretty clear who wears the pants in this family, though be it reluctantly and only because my wife tells me I have to.   @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 77

I've heard you can dip a nipple in whiskey to soothe a colicky baby. Mine's pretty hairy, but it's worth a shot.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 75

Drove through Real America today. Those people like their Jesus, and have trouble avoiding animals on the freeway.   @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 70

ATM machine - Machine that makes ATMs.   @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 66

If Life hands you a bowl of lemons, you look it right in the eye and say, “Fuck you, Life. I’m not your lemonade Wench.”   @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 61

Yes, fat girls need love too, but more importantly; fat girls need FOOD.   Write that down.   @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 60

I don't see race. That's why I don't like NASCAR.   @aedison (Avery Edison) – 59

The neighbor called the cops on me because he was so jealous of my new lawnmower and how good I look pushing it, wearing nothing but gloves.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 58

Caveman advertising:  COME THAG'S ROCK EMPORIUM. OUR ROCKS ARE ROCKIEST. YOU FIND BETTER ROCKS, ME SMASH YOU IN HEAD WITH ROCK.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58

Do not combine a dash & a colon. It will open a portal to the Lost Tomb of Colonel McCormick. Also, it looks like a tiny dong.   @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 55

OK, just one thing left to do on the pre-move checklist: "Put everything we own into cardboard boxes."   @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 55

"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."   @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 53

To reduce the risk of people talking to me, I like to carry around a cover of "Dianetics" to place over the books that I read on the bus.   @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 51

My son said the F word but I forgive him because at his age he is too young to realize Friendster is gay.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 50

[thisdayinfavrd]

October 19, 2009

They should make a Saw movie where the torture is to watch the other Saw movies.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 143

That was cynical. I apologize, SEOs.   apologies, apology, sorry, best apology, cheap apology, horny apology   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 132

Unfollowing me over *whitespace*?  You mean that whitespace I left on your Mom?   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 105

Screw the Mayan calendar. This Dilbert desk calendar speaks of nothing beyond December 31, 2009.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 94

5 imaginary football positions that sound real to me:  1. Rear end. 2. Stain guard. 3. Finger snapper. 4. Defensive retort. 5. Markie post.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63

If I believed in karma, all of this bad luck would make sense. Instead I'm blaming minorities like grandma always did.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 61

"Wow, this is a dirty kitchen!" exclaimed our 5-year-old's friend, here for a playdate. Still, he finished his bowl of lead paint chips.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60

I went to the church pot luck, but I don't think anything actually had pot in it except for the brownies I brought.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 59

Patriots win 59-0.   There hasn't been that wide a spread since your mom in '76.   @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 55

Birdhouse star taxonomy need not be in order of quality. Mine are:  ★ racist? ★★ pun/stolen ★★★ BEES! ★★★★ racist pun ★★★★★ fake drunk   @biorhythmist (matt) – 53

Now I'm looking forward to a movie adaptation of 'Goodnight Moon.' I'd like to see Tom Hanks as the bowl full of mush.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 53

You complete me, but only because I was too lazy to do it myself.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 50

When life gives you lemons, maybe you deserve lemons. Life doesn't hand out reasonless lemons. Some of us are pretty tired of your lemonade.   @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 49

"Turn nuggets halfway though cooking"? Look, I'm microwaving dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, not training to become the next Emeril Lagasse   @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 49

Attempted to get out of a ticket by finding a common ground with the officer, so I showed him I had a similar gun in my glovebox.  Bad idea.   @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 48

My weekend was great, thanks. It was like two solid days of you shutting the fuck up.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 47

When I get challenged to a match of 'rock, paper, scissors', I always win because on the count of three, I slap the person as hard as I can.   @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 43

This salad tastes like despair. No, wait. That's raddichio.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 43

These cookies are so good, you don't need to get up for milk. It just flows from your own nipples.   @BrilliantOrange (Chris Velazquez) – 41

Seems like all of my friends want to be the same superhero for Halloween. And I've never even heard of "Mostly-Naked Girl."   @antichrista (Christamas Mrgning) – 41

[thisdayinfavrd]

July 20, 2009

The word "tsunami" is not in my phone's T9 dictionary, so if you ever get a text from me that says "Trumang!", get the fuck off the beach.   @sloganeerist (jtdobbs dur) – 114

Whoopi thinks the moon landing was faked? I hope this doesn't damage all that credibility she built up as the center square.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 107

Ugh I have to write an autobiography?? STORY OF MY LIFE.   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 97

First rule of Seal Club is no crying when we say "club".  This means you, Jeremy.   Second rule of Seal Club is no walruses.  *Jeremy*.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83

I only use extra virgin olive oil. Unsaturated fats really shouldn't have a sexual history.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 76

"I just bought a pedometer."  "Cool. So how many child molesters are near you right now?"   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 73

Well SOMEBODY used a scrapbooking knife to cut my face out of all our wedding photos.   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 70

Everyone thinks Canadians are so nice and polite.  Excellent.  Stage One is complete.  Initiate Stage Two.  Release the Moose Commandos.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68

I like the idea of liking the idea better than I actually like the idea.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66

I can't dance, I love mayonnaise and I just maxed my Banana Republic credit card.  These Whitestrips must be working.   @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 65

1) Wake up 2) Brush teeth 3) Feed fish 4) Take meds 5) Notice pill in fishbowl & bad taste in mouth & wonder if I screwed up 3&4.  Again.   @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 61

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time you have sex, this one angel gets his binoculars.   @aedison (Avery Edison) – 61

Gnats are super attracted to me today. I'm a magnat.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 59

My weekend did not contain nearly enough weekend.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?  A: The pitbull doesn't blame the media for all its problems.   @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56

Reading comic books in bed by flashlight.  Still pretty awesome.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

My son told me how nobody at school would play with him last week. My pride swells to see him grow up in my own image.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 53

Wife: "I'm pretty much as girly-girl as a girl can be. Except for drag queens. But then me."   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

FACT: The chances a large meteor will hit Earth is much less than the chances that another movie will be made about a large meteor.   @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51

Today at the Zoo I saw a Lion & a Giraffe & a Rhino & a Zebra & an Elephant & at least 5 Cougars that my Wife wouldn't let me pet.   @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 49

[thisdayinfavrd]

August 11, 2009

I was halfway through the appendectomy when I realized that Wikipedia was full of shit.   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 113

Me: "You're eating your corn like a typewriter."  Daughter: "A type-a-what?"  Me: "Never mind."   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 112

When my boys run around in tighty whities and capes, they call it playing "Captain Underpants" because I vetoed the name "playing daddy."   @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 76

I'm a lot like Amy Winehouse. But a boy. And with less makeup. And tonedeaf. Hair's smaller. Okay, listen, I just fell off my bar stool.   @phyllisstein (Blight Christmas) – 69

Sneezed so hard my tampon popped out.  Aristocrats!   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 68

I'm preparing a nice, romantic evening at home with my wife by making her prepare me a nice dinner.  LOL jk I'm at the bar.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 67

The more you scream about death panels, the more I want to put you in front of one.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

Just spoke with the doctors. Lucy is fine and recovering. The bionic tentacles transplant was a complete success!   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 61

Missing tweet #3238943099   @srslainey (Unavailable) – 60

Brooks & Dunn are splitting up. I wonder who'll get custody of the state fair circuit.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 57

With no spousal supervision, I just bought presents for my kid's birthday and booze for vacation. If the recession ends today, that was me.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 57

Though I hope John Hughes doesn't come back as a zombie, I bet "Brains... Brains... and Automobiles" would still be better than "G.I. Joe."   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 54

Why a "spelling bee"? Bees don't spell. Bees dance to tell other bees where food is. So dance, children, dance! Find me the nearest burrito.   @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 54

no, ma'am.  I'm not stalking you.  I'm just watching you.  ...always.   @theduty (duty) – 53

I'm just a sword collection and a ponytail away from going full nerd.   @davegorum (dave.exe) – 53

"What's an endoscopy?" "You get drugged and someone shoves something in your throat." "I didn't know there was a name for my Friday nights."   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 52

Just walked into my son's room without knocking and both of us will be scheduling therapy appointments tomorrow.   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 51

Ugh, frizzies! The humidity is wreaking havoc on my ear hair.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

What's the version of a staycation where you travel somewhere? A gocation? I need one of those.   @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 50

I wear the pants in THIS relationship. So what if they're Capri pants? So what if SHE picked them out? Wait. Never mind.   @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 49

[thisdayinfavrd]

August 31, 2009

I went back in time and stepped on some butterflies and now Jeb Bush isn't president anymore. You're welcome.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 126

Oh crap.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 91

Macaulay Culkin might be Blanket's mystery father. So, you know, this whole Michael Jackson story could get weird.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 75

Every year I don't go to Burning Man is a year I don't die in a desert.   @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 58

Alarm clocks and credit cards are my way of screwing with future me.   @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 57

Jenna Bush is now a correspondent for the 'Today' show. Nice to see someone overcome the obstacle of having powerful parents.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55

I ain't gonna be on my deathbed regretting all the things I never did and that's why I did your mom and that's why I'm on my deathbed :(   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 54

Sisyphus should try vacuuming with cats.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

Things I'll Never Combine Ever Again: A bowl of rice pudding and an Animal Planet show about parasite larvae.   @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 52

If you consider making a wireless router and a dead cactus make-out "procrastinating", then yes, I am procrastinating.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51

I doubt that any of my tweets are being plagiarized, but just in case I'm going to pee on every one of them.   @bsheepies (k-a-t-e) – 50

I always try to talk to newborns to find out if they happened to notice an area marked with a "G" on their way out.  so far.  I got nothing.   @theduty (duty) – 50

I get my nepotism from my dad.   @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 48

I don't even know what to apologize for any more.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46

I ate something I found in the waiting room refrigerator and now my insides want to be on the outside.   Tell my family I love them.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 45

The Hollywood fires are God's way of saying he doesn't want a 'Footloose' remake without Zac Efron attached.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 44

America. If you like our airlines, banks, cable news, mobile providers and dominant operating system, wait till you see our health insurers.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 44

I never met a shitty day that your tits in my face couldn't improve.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 43

I can tell this waitress is a pro because she always stops to ask if we need anything at the moment I've just taken a huge bite of food.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 42

Given where most of us are probably reading it, maybe the book should have been called 'Shitter Wit'.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 42

[thisdayinfavrd]

September 14, 2009

I had to hunker down and do some serious writing today. Which is why I made a working flute out of a carrot.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 105

Kanye West would be a TERRIBLE ninja.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 100

In Kanye's defense, I don't think Taylor Swift was being honest about the specifics of her health care plan.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 98

Somewhere a regretful US Border Patrol officer is daydreaming about the Juan that got away.   @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 76

Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 75

At the Sears Portrait Studio, trying to decide between Police Lineup and Uncle McFeely's Rec Room.   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 71

If the Kanye thing distracts us from health care any longer, Republicans are actually gonna have to say "thanks" to a black guy.   @aedison (Avery Edison) – 68

Lady Gaga arrested for DUI last night after crashing her spaceship into Kanye West's ego.   @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 60

We need more solidarity in this country. Like in the 1970s when we all joined together to defeat Ring Around the Collar.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Running later than a Palin daughter.   @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 55

Teaching my daughter about the birds and the bees. Specifically, that most bees will expect handjobs after the movie.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 54

"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty."   @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 54

Kanye west is the biggest piece of shit on earth. Quote me.   @Pink (P!nk) – 52

My awesome brain remembers Apu's last name. But without a list and calendar, it has no memory of what I'm doing today. Nahasapeemapetilon.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 52

I think a really good speech would be one where a guy was talking about something important, and then he exploded and candy went everywhere.   @3hoss (Eric Hoss) – 51

Winch? I thought you said WENCH.  Dammit, there's no way the tavern will take her back, knowing I mounted her on the bumper.   @davegorum (dave.exe) – 50

"The motherfucker who bought this software should be forced to use it until his god damn brain melts."  Inappropriate Work Emails, Vol. 14   @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 48

I took the vibrator from her purse, held it over my head and yelled "By the power of Grayskull!". The other Macy's shoppers were unprepared.   @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 46

Missing tweet #3978231677   @smilinbjones (Unavailable) – 45

404 ERROR: HAND-EYE COORDINATION NOT FOUND. The coffee you tried to drink has ended up in your lap. Maybe you should fuck off back to bed.   @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 45

[thisdayinfavrd]

August 21, 2009

Remember the vow you took on our wedding day? Then PUT ON THE GODDAMN CHEWBACCA COSTUME.   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 130

Cashier: "Total is $14.92." Me: "Ha, like Columbus." C: "Nice one, Seinfeld." M: "Ha, like the comedian." C: "..." M: "Ha, like a mime."   @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 78

ATTENTION TEEN GIRLS: I AM NOT NICK JONAS.  Sorry, you want to do *what* to him?  ATTENTION TEEN GIRLS: I AM NICK JONAS.   @nick (Nick Douglas) – 63

My girl said if I wanted anal I'd have better luck with her mom, I don't know if I should text or call.   @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 62

Stop giving away hurricane naming rights for free. There. Health care reform paid in full.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

This guy's looking at me funny.  Status check:  Booger? Nope. Open fly? Nope. Dorsal fin? Nope.  All good.  "What the fuck you looking at?"   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

Sir, I knew Astro Boy. Astro Boy was a friend of mine. Astro Boy could pull off that haircut. Sir, you are no Astro Boy.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

Too many hassles today. If a bright light presents itself, I'm moving towards it.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54

If this is Supertramp, I'd hate to hear what Averagetramp sounds like.   @yowhatsthehaps (Sarah) – 53

Steven Johnson, Malcolm Gladwell, and Steven Levitt go into a bar. Guy goes, "Whaddaya like?" and they go, "The opposite of what you think."   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

I want to live to see great-grandchildren. But instead of taking care of myself, I'll just push my kids to get married at 9.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

Missing tweet #3438530970   @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 50

Spilled chocolate milk? Damn right I'm crying.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 49

I've done my daily pushups and crunches every day this week except for the ones not named Tuesday, and I didn't do the pushups. Still sore.   @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 49

"So if I put in 6 bullets and shoot 3 guys, I have 3 bullets left." Some parents would be bothered but we just figure he's learning math.   @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 47

Never wear a company shirt to a gunfight. Especially if you work at Target.   @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 47

Where is your god now, roast beef sandwich?   @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 46

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that skinny white chics are good in bed.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 45

Things you don't want to hear after a haircut:  "That took balls."   @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 45

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% adding the words poop, fart or burrito to the tweet.   @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 45