Theory: As long as strangers hold the power to affect your mood, you are deeply and fundamentally fucked. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 139
Missing tweet #5992177552 @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 127
RadioShack opens at 5:30 a.m. this Friday. So you can be confused, disappointed, and on your way by 5:36. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 109
At any given time, someone thinks you're wrong, useless, and unlovable. Once you accept this, food tastes better and you sleep like a baby. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 80
Thought I saw a guy on a bike stop at a stop sign. Turned out it was a yeti. Who, unlike many cyclists, can apparently fucking read. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 76
Sir, I know all the ladies say you have a sweet cock, but would you please remove it from my iced tea? @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 73
I should have known our love would be tragic from the start. I was on the rebound and he was an onion ring. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 71
"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 71
Son was thrilled to get his first love note today. "That's nice. But once she realizes you're not a vampire or werewolf you're screwed." @FriedWords (Derek) – 68
I planned to buy this $500 bag then I remembered the children in Darfur and wondered what kind of bags they made. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 67
ABC received 1,500 complaints after Adam Lambert's on screen kiss. 1,499 of them were from a jealous Clay Aiken. @brianbolter (Brian Bolter) – 65
30 minutes until they take my picture for the work website. Just enough time to straighten my tie, comb my hair, and lose 35 pounds. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 63
No, *you're* dunking Milano cookies in Jameson's for breakfast. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 62
He told me to take down my wall and show him my true feelings. So I shot him. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 60
Avoid using "decimate" as someone will pipe up about it meaning "remove 1/10th of," and those people are dicks. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 60
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was coining an aphorism in which the central conceit was his deceptive prowess. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 60
If you live in a glass house, you made a very poor investment. - Sent from my brick house, jackass. @Remiel (Remiel) – 56
I wish I had a super power where I could will the clasp of a bra to open. I'm just not flexible enough to reach that far behind my back. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 53
The day they stop blowing kisses and applauding when I'm done is the day I stop masturbating at this convalescent home. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 52
Shakira dances like she's about to start The Robot, pauses to fart, then — realizing she doesn't KNOW how to do The Robot — tries it anyway. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52