This Day in Favrd @thisdayinfavrd - Tumblr Blog

December 6, 2019

To the 223 Twitter users that made the leaderboard in 2009; to the hundreds more that played along and made Twitter fun; for the community that formed around and evolved from Favrd; and to Dean for making it all happen: thank you.

If you stumbled onto this Tumblr sub-property without historical context, the rest of the story is here.

For those interested in an offline copy of This Day in Favrd, head over to the download page.

It’s been a great nostalgia trip. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

-James

December 5, 2009

If they really want to end the war in Afghanistan, they should put it on Friday nights on Fox. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 164

And that's why you don't go shopping at the pet store while hungry. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 153

I'm playing poker with the kids. Not strip poker. That would be inappropriate. I know better than that. "WOO! FULL HOUSE. DRINK UP BITCHES!" @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 79

Wow! I don't think I've ever unleashed so much diarrhea all at once. You must be impressed. I know I am. This massage is over, isn't it? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 66

When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay." @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 64

If you really — truly — embrace the meaning of eternity, you'll accept that Orville Redenbacher and Col. Sanders will eventually french. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 62

If I see one more commercial featuring a Lexus with a gigantic bow on it, I swear I'm gonna throw this caviar dish at my 96" TV. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 60

What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 58

It's a good thing I covered the baby in Bubble Wrap, because man those stairs were steep! @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57

Two more speedbumps on our street. Now we're finally safe from terrorists. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 57

... bet if I was Wolverine you wouldn't have forgotten my McGriddle... @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

The neat thing about dissecting clowns is you can get so many of them in the trunk when it comes time to dispose of the bodies. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 53

It's the strangest thing! I bought my wife the new iPhone, and now my penis seems smaller. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 52

I'M DRUNK BITCHES TIME TO CODE @atebits (atebits) – 52

"Whipped Spread," the little package reads, a comma away from being the most disturbing sentence ever. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 52

Hi. Date. Again. Amazing. Again. Love you. Again. Move in. More. Marry me. Happy. Good. OK. Less. Lost. Lost you. Lost us. No more. Goodbye. @biorhythmist (matt) – 51

Jim browses hand-held shower heads. "We should get one. I probably won't love you forever." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

I had my doubts that every clown has a silver lining & it turns out they're lined with muscle & tissue just like everyone else. Mimes too. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 47

Even if we could choose our own genetic traits, I'd still pick my nose. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 44

I opened the door & told the kids "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Then I took pictures for milk cartons, just in case. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 44

#favrd is down

December 4, 2009

I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 142

If you think I'm creepy, check this box: [ ]. Then pass this note back through your bedroom window. @poeks (Poeks) – 110

When I was your age we had to stand behind a microphone in front of a brick wall to find out that drunks didn't think we were funny. @biorhythmist (matt) – 97

Like many Americans, I had to take a second job to put my mistress through high school. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 91

Drinking tea with a cat on my lap no homo ok a little homo. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82

It's been five years and you still don't understand why we put a pine tree in the house once a year? Cats are such idiots. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 78

Missing tweet #6319984548 @carrmah (Unavailable) – 75

I wanna punch my self-control in its stupid smug face. But I won't. And it knows that. AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH IT MORE. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 74

Jim was mad about the plastic surgery that made him look like Mr. Potato Head but no one could tell because he didn't put in his angry eyes. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 69

A sincere request: can we quit it with the "Lady Gaga is a man" jokes? Because I've asked all the other trans people, and we don't want her. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 69

Typos are God's way of saynig, "You shoudln't be masturbating adn tweeting at the same time." @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 68

This Holiday Season let's all come together as one and pray for all the disease and famine of the world to strike Farmville. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 67

Lots of Life Coaches on Twitter but not a single Lowlife Coach. I sense a market opportunity. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63

Remember when twitter was less about stars and more about alibis? BTW, you all saw me at Burger King right about now. Not covered in blood. @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 59

GOOD NEWS: Our three year old no longer wets his bed. BAD NEWS: he crawls into ours to do it. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56

My son wants to join little league this spring. In preparation I already doubled his allowance & will start the steroid injections Monday. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. The snow in Chicago falls slowly on the hos. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 53

Tiger Woods wants to know what's par for your mom's hole. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

Truly became a boring, mature adult today when I chose not to fart near my wife because I knew it would derail our conversation about cats. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 50

I saw a car hit this parked car in front of me and drive away, so I put a note on the parked car saying 'God hates you.' @DieLaughing (J. Adam Moore) – 50

#favrd is down

December 3, 2009

How the fuck would I know? Do I look like the woodchuck's fucking project manager? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 178

It never ceases to amaze me how generous strangers can be this time of year when you show them a knife. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 148

When I die, I want my body donated to political science. That department won't know what to do with it. Hilarious. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 110

I put the redundant in "redundant". Which is why I spell it "redunredundantdant". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 107

My youngest asked if he was my favorite. It's like he forgot we even had a dog. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 103

Got my Christmas shopping done early! It's easy when the only thing the kids ask for is one moment of respite from all my goddamn bullshit. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 96

The fact that I just stained my running shoes with Hershey syrup should tell you everything you need to know about my current fitness level. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 84

Hey clouds -- why so cirrus? @aedison (Avery Edison) – 84

I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "fuck that" to "yes, dear". @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 81

Sometimes I eat a lot of cheese, and other times I eat a lot of cheese but don't tell you because it's my secret cheese eating time. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 80

A "homonym" is a nym attracted to nyms of the same gender. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 76

Based on my profile, this dating website has determined that my best match would be a vibrator. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 70

"I'm not good with words," Tom said, not good with wordsly. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 68

Took a drug test today. I was surprised they gave out free beer. It was a little warm and tasted like Budweiser but I wasn't complaining. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 65

I just returned from my son's holiday concert and one thing is painfully clear. There are far too many 'Days of Christmas'. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 62

I'm worried cuz a coworker has incriminating nude photos of me. She's threatened to use them against me if I don't stop sending them to her. @FriedWords (Derek) – 61

He who lives by the sword, um... Okay, this is embarrassing. I kind of got distracted thinking about swords. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 55

My little mnemonic memory tricks might seem silly, but I've never once forgotten my wife's name. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 55

Don't think of me as a backseat driver, but as your car cohost. Full of witicisms such as, "You almost hit that guy" and "Left. LEFT. LEFT!" @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 53

I want to save the wow factor for the interview, so I didn't mention in my cover letter how my farts sound like Santa sobbing in the shower. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 53

#favrd is down

December 2, 2009

That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 190

Superman wears a cape and underwear and everyone's all "yay" but I do it and you're like "don't ever touch my son again"? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 162

The Iraqi shoe thrower had a shoe thrown at him today. Somewhere, George Bush is smiling. Because 'Curious George' is on. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 141

After we spend billions on security and good governance in Afghanistan, can we move there? You know, for the security and good governance? @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 106

Any man who cuts in front of a woman wearing sweats buying tampons, a bottle of vodka, Midol, and double stuff Oreos Doesn't Want To Live @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 82

I'll make you a deal. I will stop expressing my disinterest in what you have to say if you stop talking to me. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 79

Red condoms might help more than red fonts. The yellow ribbons didn't stop the killing. Or the green for Iran. Colors don't work. People do. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 69

When you wake up and a cat is kneading your bum, are you supposed to tip? Or is it a scam? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

In our Tempur-Pedic marriage, I am the bowling ball, and my wife is the glass of wine. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 68

I'm pretty sure Mensa hands out bumper stickers as a test. If you put it on your car, you fail. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 62

Why did the hipster cross the road? To tell the chicken that he totally crossed the road first. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 59

My abs are so firm, you could bounce a Quarter Pounder with Cheese off of them. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58

I refuse to worry about wrinkles anymore. Besides, the botox I used on my scrotum burned and just made my balls look surprised all the time. @FriedWords (Derek) – 57

I would tell my wife she makes a better door than a window, but I just saw her take a couple of Midol. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 55

'Passive-aggressive' is just a way of saying you not only want to behave like an asshole, but you also want credit for being a saint. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 55

I suspect she'd make marginally more sense if she were named Lady Dada. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 55

I'm glad the ex-wife is raising our son vegan because sometimes I run out reasons for wanting to punch her in the face. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 54

"Daddy, tell me about your first date with mommy." "Sure, son. We were at a bar... Hey, all you need to know is that it had a happy ending." @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 53

Outfit by Victoria's Secret. Body by McDonald's. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 53

I swear our love would have lasted forever if he hadn't been gay . And a parakeet. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 51

#favrd is down

December 1, 2009

You took so long showering and drinking and crying and cutting yourself that I'm not even in the mood anymore. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 179

If he's never picked you up at the airport, I think you have an *acquaintance* in Jesus. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 131

I'm starting to think the CIA programmed me to kill upon hearing the song 'Jingle Bell Rock.' @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 118

Jonas to my grandfather, who is in a new nursing home: "You're pretty lucky, Papa, because there's a graveyard next door for when you die." @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 92

I have two hands: one for having cake, the other for eating cake. Don't see what the problem is. @poeks (Poeks) – 91

"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 82

Judging by the Cheetos dust on the treadmill controls, I would say I have never actually used this thing properly. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 73

"Because you're a dumbass" is almost never the answer you should give, but it's almost always the correct one, even when you ask yourself. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 73

I've often been told that I have the hands of a surgeon. Well. The handwriting of a surgeon actually but it's practically the same thing. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 69

The doctor just described my breasts as "unremarkable." Apparently she's talked to every guy I've ever dated. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 69

Hi. Please stop raising my awareness. If something *really* means a lot to you, get off your fat ass and go fix it. I'll do the same. #cred @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 66

Just watched a Dad help his profoundly disabled daughter get off the bus, hug her, and ask how her day went. Not one hashtag in sight. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 61

I wouldn't be so judgmental if you would just stop being so god damn awful. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 58

Oh lord, why must my muscles always ripple like a really buff prowling jaguar?! @davegorum (dave.exe) – 56

If there is ever an emergency with a nationwide shortage of bullshit, the world is going to thank us for finely honing our skills here. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 53

Sometimes love is not enough. Bring cookies just in case. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52

Listening to the Vatican's new Christmas album. First track: "I Saw Father Kissing Santa Claus." @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

I just found out that the dude who does my semi-weekly Brazilian thought I was gay! @biorhythmist (matt) – 49

Now another woman claims she has proof of an affair with Tiger Woods. Man, he never should have signed those scorecards. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48

If I ever get rich and retire, I'll wake up every day, get drunk, then play bass to New Order records until I pass out. Also, charity work. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48

#favrd is down

November 30, 2009

I joined the KKK for the homophobia but stayed for the anonymous gay sex. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 132

Judging by your face, you are not an attractive person. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 107

What is productivity, really? I will ponder this question while sitting in my new manila folder igloo. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 90

Lost the baby Jesus for the miniature nativity scene, so I used a frozen Jimmy Dean sausage instead. Merry Sausagemas. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 89

My employees forgot about Cyber Monday. I won't rub it in. They look embarrassed enough when I walk by in my RoboCop suit. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 88

A friend asked me how old I thought she was. I answered vaguely to be safe, saying "Young enough for acne but old enough for sagging boobs." @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 81

Dropping the kid off at kindergarten on the way to meanergarten. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 81

Best part about carrying a ukulele through an airport: THEM: "So... you a musician?" ME: "Yeah, I play a little guitar." @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 74

The Boy came into my room with tears welling in his eyes, to ask if I had sold his pajamas. Which just goes to show: kids are fucking weird. @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 69

Well, that's the last time I offer myself up to be deep crawled. With no computer. At a bar. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 66

I'm not sure there would be such a stigma if instead of crabs, people could be infested with popcorn shrimp. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 63

Missing tweet #6190424272 @cravenheart (Unavailable) – 61

Personally, I won't be satisfied until a Buddhist monk lights himself on fire for web standards. @Moltz (Moltz) – 61

"I like only white lights on the tree." "I want colored lights." "Colored? That's racist." "You're the one who wants the white only tree." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 60

"Satellite Radio" is a trademark. The generic term is "Radio! From! Spaaaaaaaace!" @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 58

Tiger Woods deserves the benefit of the doubt no matter how many people he supposedly killed. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58

Sad to announce The LunaPod Project is now dead. My mass-produced $7 rocket to the moon was undermined by suppliers, lawyers, and reality. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57

I looked at my tweetcloud. I think I'm gay and pretty certain I have a poop fetish. My life makes so much sense now. @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 56

A laconic celebrity golfer makes his pasty, fair-weather fans get all mad and pitchforky. At last. My perfect storm of who the fuck cares. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56

In most states, Texas would be too retarded to execute. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 54

#favrd is down

November 29, 2009

Life will be less complicated once my cat learns how to tie his own bow ties. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96

Clearly, there's no excuse for my behavior, so I'm drinking until I have one. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 94

I discovered the best way to untangle Christmas lights is with scissors. I now have to buy new ones but you can't put a price on my sanity. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 89

Hipsters don't fart. They just make fart noises with their mouth and then smirk. It smells like wasted potential. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 76

Step 1: Put on corduroy shorts. Step 2: Go to gym. Step 3: Get on treadmill. Step 4: Run. Step 5: Laugh and laugh and laugh. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68

The state flower of Ohio is ranch dressing. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 62

A 17th level paladin with -10 armor class and +5 holy avenger, who always rolls a 20 on saving throws, still has 0% chance of getting laid. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 59

Yo mama so fat she trampled several shoppers at Amazon.com. @giromide (Pantse Macabretoe) – 57

If I was a blues musician, all my songs would be about how much I hate the blues. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 55

I'll know the terrorists have won when they can stand down a herd of my relatives asking them why they're not married yet. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 54

I'm at Dick's Sporting Goods. Their Black Friday Sale was so HUGE and long that people are still coming. @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 54

My other car is a couch. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52

Cocka doodle doo and gobble gobble sound dirty, but not particularly sexy. Fowl language is not meant for everyone. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 48

I put the "taco" in "catacombs." Yeah, didn't make much sense to me either. @biorhythmist (matt) – 46

Anal bleaching isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve been sitting in a tub of Clorox for two hours and it’s really starting to burn my ass. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 44

Some women tire quickly when they give hand jobs with their weaker hands. Now, your Mom on the other hand... @MODAT (Modat) – 42

This just in: Women mugged in Castro district of San Francisco. Two guys held her down and third one did her hair. @blankslate (Alex) – 41

Tiger's wife may be able to beat him on a Friday, but never on a Sunday. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 41

Outlook for tomorrow: Depressimistic. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 40

If I opened a cleaning company, it would be called Not Quite Clean But It's Good Enough Cleaning. @damselesque (Beth) – 38

#favrd is down

November 28, 2009

Spot my mistake: I took my kids, on Black Friday, to Best Buy, to get a USB cable. If you answered "having children," you're correct! @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 96

I had this really kinky boyfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 83

Once again, it appears I've prematurely donned my gay apparel. @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 82

Black Friday shopping? No thank you. If I wanted to hang out with that many assholes, I'd join the Republican Party. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 71

My wife doesn't seem to care for my euphemisms. Seriously, what's so wrong about asking if I can blow insulation behind her dry wall? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

At dinner my nephew asked if my mustache was a "flavor-saver" so I made a your mom joke and that's how grandma got the ambulance ride. @biorhythmist (matt) – 55

Damn. Waterproof mascara is harder to get off than your mom. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52

I never thought of myself as dead inside, but I don't know how else to explain how my farts smell. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

Our nation is under siege by aspiring reality TV stars. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

I have so much respect for parents who don't drink. @gruber (John Gruber) – 49

Christmas shopping can be so frustrating. Why don't they sell frankincense at the same stores they sell the myrrh? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

If a female firefighter loses her job because she won't put out, it's not necessarily sexual discrimination. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48

Getting my hair cut. Bitch had it coming. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

Men used to just try to get laid all the time. Now they want stars and a #FF...when they're not funny I'd almost rather give them the sex. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 47

I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. They still haven't figured out how to get down. It looks gre... hold on... STOP CRYING! @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 46

Missing tweet #6126752079 @carrmah (Unavailable) – 44

Apple pie for breakfast, pumpkin pie for lunch, pecan pie for dinner. PIE ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 44

"Don't worry — I'll remember." - Me, just before forgetting... something. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43

My wife is somehow resistant to my bedroom mating dance. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 42

The family's asleep. I finally have the hotel room to myself. Time to practice my supermodel runway walk. @FriedWords (Derek) – 41

#favrd is down

November 27, 2009

An optimist in Hell: "Things can only get better! AHHHH! OH NO! OH GOD! At least I don't have to wear a tie! AHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

As an avid indoorsman, real Christmas trees kind of freak me out. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63

I wouldn't shop today if they were selling magic penises that came coffee and peed rainbows. I would probably try to order it online though. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 55

My favorite thing about Thanksgiving is focusing on family... Hold on. GET THE GRAVY YOURSELF GRAMMA! I'M BUSY! Sorry. What was I saying? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54

I was told we were having a roast for dinner. After an hour of telling dead hooker jokes about grandpa, I found out we're eating pork loin. @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 54

If you can't say anything nice, you must be eating at this table. @biorhythmist (matt) – 51

Me: "How are you liking Disney on Ice so far, Wallet?" Wallet: "Go fuck yourself" @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 50

Missing tweet #6097180015 @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 48

Me: That white-bearded short guy has been tapping a perfect beat the entire train ride. Wife: Yup. He's a Metro Gnome. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46

Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 45

I'm bringing sexy back right after I take a nap. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 44

She asked. I said 'yes'. (http://bit.ly/isaidyes) @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 42

Her snore is adorable, despite it being a painful reminder of the sex I'm not getting. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 39

MY PIEHOLE IS APTLY-NAMED @biorhythmist (matt) – 38

I picked up a flash light, ski mask and bolt cutters at Target today. Can't wait until tonight to take advantage of the real bargain deals. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 38

Missing tweet #6096762128 @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 36

First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 36

I have tons of friends, until I need help painting. Then they're all like, "Uh, we're stuffed animals." Jerks. @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 36

I could use a tapeworm right about now. @SusAnimate (SusAnimated) – 35

Wish. Bone. Probably in that order. @cpinck (Chris Pinckney) – 34

#favrd is down

November 26, 2009

Neat! If you shake your head REALLY FAST, you forget calculus! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 92

It's important to stop and remember sometimes that Coolio was an actual living, breathing human being and not just a salutation. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 85

It's as though people on the west coast have never seen someone smoking and jogging before. Fucking hippies. @poeks (Poeks) – 83

I would be grateful for the little things, but I'm not with that boyfriend anymore. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 80

I'M ON A GRAVY BOAT! @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 77

I don't know why people think Lady Gaga is unattractive. He is very good-looking. @damselesque (Beth) – 72

Thanksgiving is a time for coming together with family and pushing old people down at Walmart for a good deal. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 69

After I feed my cat, he goes off and ignores me for hours. If that worked for people, I'd keep sandwiches within reach at all times. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 69

It took a while, but I finally convinced my nephew that West Virginia is not a state. Being an uncle is hard work. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67

Ever look back on an ex and think, What the HELL was I thinking? Post-Traumatic Yes Disorder. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 65

Jim missed the exit for a major highway, adding 2 hours to the trip. To be fair, his PhD was not in Knowing Where The Fuck I'm Going. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 64

Missing tweet #6065578399 @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 59

A spider crawled across the floor. I called my 9yo in from the next room to kill it because I couldn't reach it while standing on my chair. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 59

Tonight, we're having turkey and 'turkurkey', which is turkey made entirely of turkey. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 59

Happy "(Delete Browser History And Caches) OK Now You Can Use My Laptop" Day @biorhythmist (matt) – 53

Happy Thanksgiving, America! If you are American, stop reading now. Ok, the tryptophan has kicked in. Let's go play with their toys! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

At a loss for gratitude? Consider that you have a computer, web access, and the freedom to say ANYTHING you want. Then, maybe try again. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

The great thing about the battle against staying home and masturbating is that whatever happens, you're still a winner. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 48

Missing tweet #6072498480 @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 46

Missing tweet #6069460610 @carrmah (Unavailable) – 45

#favrd is down

November 25, 2009

Hate that part of a cold where you cough and it tastes like Glenn Beck's soul. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 129

I've started my Thanksgiving celebration a little early and am already on my third glass of gravy. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 105

My wife said she needed a little TLC, but I told her that band broke up like five years ago. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 92

Whenever I open Google Wave, all I get is an empty box with the words "New Wave." Then I think about Devo and Blondie. Google Wave is cool. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 92

If you see a hobo on the bus with a bottle of Maker's Mark today, be nice to him — he's probably just on my way to work. @biorhythmist (matt) – 89

You can’t spell "manslaughter" without "laughter". You also can’t spell "schadenfreude" without spell check. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 88

Missing tweet #6024261496 @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 78

Obama better not bow to that turkey he pardons today. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 77

I think the best thing about having a mom with a new boyfriend everyday was all the balloons I'd find in her bedroom trash. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 63

Pandas probably have black eyes because they're assholes. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 63

Of course I'll use my time machine to end injustice. Right after I get General Lee behind the wheel of the General Lee. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61

I'm telling my family I'm not coming to Thanksgiving dinner because I'm anti-cruelty. Hell no, not to the turkey. To me. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 60

I slept with your mom and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And chlamydia. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50

Too much- wait. I've said "too much". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

Obama's president 10 months & we have a day called "Black" Friday? Next thing you know we'll have a whole MONTH celebrating Black history… @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 47

Although I’m not Jewish, I look forward to when I’m old enough to have a really nice set of Hasidic hair curls growing out of my ears. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 45

Judging by the way her cat hides from me, my ex-wife told it everything. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 43

Alcohol is used to kill a lot of things. I hope you’re next. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 42

Missing tweet #6061828341 @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 42

With frustrations high and a robust sense of exactly what you own, moving is a perfect time to practice divorce. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 42

#favrd is down

November 24, 2009

Theory: As long as strangers hold the power to affect your mood, you are deeply and fundamentally fucked. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 139

Missing tweet #5992177552 @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 127

RadioShack opens at 5:30 a.m. this Friday. So you can be confused, disappointed, and on your way by 5:36. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 109

At any given time, someone thinks you're wrong, useless, and unlovable. Once you accept this, food tastes better and you sleep like a baby. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 80

Thought I saw a guy on a bike stop at a stop sign. Turned out it was a yeti. Who, unlike many cyclists, can apparently fucking read. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 76

Sir, I know all the ladies say you have a sweet cock, but would you please remove it from my iced tea? @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 73

I should have known our love would be tragic from the start. I was on the rebound and he was an onion ring. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 71

"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 71

Son was thrilled to get his first love note today. "That's nice. But once she realizes you're not a vampire or werewolf you're screwed." @FriedWords (Derek) – 68

I planned to buy this $500 bag then I remembered the children in Darfur and wondered what kind of bags they made. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 67

ABC received 1,500 complaints after Adam Lambert's on screen kiss. 1,499 of them were from a jealous Clay Aiken. @brianbolter (Brian Bolter) – 65

30 minutes until they take my picture for the work website. Just enough time to straighten my tie, comb my hair, and lose 35 pounds. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 63

No, *you're* dunking Milano cookies in Jameson's for breakfast. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 62

He told me to take down my wall and show him my true feelings. So I shot him. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 60

Avoid using "decimate" as someone will pipe up about it meaning "remove 1/10th of," and those people are dicks. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 60

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was coining an aphorism in which the central conceit was his deceptive prowess. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 60

If you live in a glass house, you made a very poor investment. - Sent from my brick house, jackass. @Remiel (Remiel) – 56

I wish I had a super power where I could will the clasp of a bra to open. I'm just not flexible enough to reach that far behind my back. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 53

The day they stop blowing kisses and applauding when I'm done is the day I stop masturbating at this convalescent home. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 52

Shakira dances like she's about to start The Robot, pauses to fart, then — realizing she doesn't KNOW how to do The Robot — tries it anyway. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

#favrd is down

November 23, 2009

Apparently, I don't know how to fold a towel or please a woman. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 105

I should really stop confusing sign language for kung-fu. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 101

A laugh track makes it funnier like other guys rubbing themselves through their sweatpants makes it sexier. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 79

To those of us who practice gluttony year-round, Thanksgiving dinner is amateur hour. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 77

Neighbor just put up her Christmas lights so yeah she's dead now. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 75

I love how they ask you to rate the iPhone app you're deleting. Kinda like asking Mrs. Lincoln to review "Our American Cousin." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 72

It's really hard to throw a surprise party for someone with no eyebrows. @3hoss (Eric Hoss) – 65

Probably the worst part about Thanksgiving and the Holidays in general is realizing that I'm the drunk uncle. @paul_e_wog (Paul) – 64

There is no "I", "Edward", or "Jacob" in "team". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63

What he said: You're special. What he meant: You have a vagina. @ImAVeronica (Maria Alisa Santiago) – 62

I think it's time I told my cats they're adopted. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 62

My biggest problem with the younger generation is I'm not in it. @linajk (Jane) – 61

Your tramp stamp is a very large penis pointing directly at your anus? Real subtle. Sir. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 59

Too bad convenience stores are all at ground level. I want to say I'm climbing a stairway to 7-11. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 59

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving also perpetuates the myth that one can shuffle toast. YOU CANNOT. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58

The first rule of Fight Club is DO NOT CREATE FACEBOOK FAN PAGES ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 57

Don't know why you're in front of the courthouse in your robe and slippers, but I admire your balls. No, really. I can see your balls. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 56

I just flew in from Portland today and boy, are my arms tattooed. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 52

Y'know, it's okay to learn new things; even after you graduate and don't have to. Can that maybe be a "meme" or a thing to be the mayor of? @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51

My manhood is slowly getting ripped from my heart. Or, in "layman's terms", I'm doing dishes. @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 50

#favrd is down

November 22, 2009

Missing tweet #5956996440 @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 74

At work, I try to convince people to change foreign policy. At home, I can't even convince a 5-year-old that the salsa is truly "mild." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 71

A Turducken for cannibals. The Gooneyvito: Danny DeVito stuffed inside George Clooney stuffed inside John Goodman. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70

I'd be much thinner if pizza didn't taste like self-esteem. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 62

No, I don't exercise. I'm in the Fitness Protection Program. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 58

She wasn't interested in a one night stand, which is perfect because he wasn't interested in standing. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

I keep a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff so if I ever have amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm AWESOME! @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 56

God. Country line dancing is so retarded. KICK! KICK! SCOOT! KICK! KICK! BEAT YOUR WIFE! KICK! KICK! VOTE REPUBLICAN! SCOOT! @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 56

"She's got a lot of moral fiber. I think she actually shits bibles." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 51

My hair: destroyer of drains, vacuums, relationships. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

The only pre-existing condition most Senators are familiar with is inherited wealth and privilege. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 50

NyQuil: The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the bathroom floor hugging the ficus medicine. @TiffanyJMoore (Tiffany ) – 48

I trimmed one side, then the other, but it wasn't even so I kept going back and forth and now the cat just looks ridiculous. @biorhythmist (matt) – 47

Live strong enough to not have that fucking bracelet on your avatar picture. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 43

Turns out my fashion sense swings wildly between 'crumpled professor', 'rustic indie rock' and 'anyway totally drunk'. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 43

I've been falsely accused of 'Performing a Lewd and Lascivious Act with a Corn Dog'. I just pray the tests prove that it wasn't my mustard. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 41

Me: Time to sit on the potty! Boy: Ok! The poop is getting in his car and driving to my bum! @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 41

Hey baby we are both up early and the kids are away WINK WINK we can make it to the outlet mall just as it is opening! @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 40

When acids and bases need to be separated, they put them in the Litmus Protection Program. #yesiamahugenerd @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 40

It never fails. When I set out to assemble IKEA furniture, Allen has to throw a wrench into the works. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 39

#favrd is down

November 21, 2009

What a lame bar. The drinks are weak and the women at are all "kind of busy" or "what is your problem" or "this is a pottery class, sir." @biorhythmist (matt) – 123

Walking toward my car, saw a parking ticket. I passed an old lady who must think I just wander the streets saying "Oh, you motherfucker." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 93

Taking my daughter to her first football game tomorrow. She's finally old enough to hold my hair back when I puke. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 93

Hello, hot guy in the gin aisle. I see you also like buying booze at 10:45 am. Why don't you come over & introduce your issues to my issues? @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 87

My 10 year old drives me to drink. No. Seriously. He's waiting out in the car. Only a crazy person would drink and drive. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 68

Well, I wasn't named after a college graduate with a job, I was named after alcohol, mom. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 65

The lady in front of me at the coffee shop is complaining so loudly Bill Murray showed up just to roll his eyes. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 63

I have a really bad headache so I want to kill everyone but sudden movements like blinking and breathing hurt so you're all safe. For now. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62

PURPLE SOAP SHOULD NOT SMELL LIKE FLOWERS! PURPLE SOAP SHOULD SMELL LIKE GRAPE, JUST LIKE GOD INTENDED! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 60

I hate it when I drink so much that I lose all sense of erection. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56

"always brush after every meal, sweetheart. oh, and call your mother." ...man, this Ouija board just isn't the same since grandma died. @theduty (duty) – 53

Research into cross-breeding humans and sheep is not going well. The test subjects are tired and listless. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

At a seventh grade girls basketball game. There must be a rule against dunking. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 52

RIPOFF ALERT: K-Mart charges the same amount for a frame whether you want the picture of Jaclyn Smith or not. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

Heading to IKEA today to stock up for next year's garage sale. Undoubtedly. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 51

Some men just can't take "yes-but-it's-complicated-I-have-some-issues" for an answer. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 50

None of their product can withstand even nominal stress and shock tests, and they refuse to give me a refund, so I'm suing the orphanage. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 48

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tea. @Remiel (Remiel) – 47

I like my coffee how I like your mom. In the morning. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 47

Sorry, been off Twitter all day. Was busy giving my blow-up doll a teen makeover so I'm not conspicuous at New Moon tonight. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 46

#favrd is down

November 20, 2009

When are they going to replace the five-day work week with the thirty-second montage set to some bitchin' guitar licks? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 102

I have a couple of bones to pick with you. #1: you never greet me at the door naked anymore. "I never did that." Which brings us to bone #2. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 81

I don't see how Helen Keller jokes are funny. I don't hear how they're funny, either. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 78

The way the bartender is watering down my drinks is really dampening my spirits. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 76

WOO-HOO! MY WIFE'S DRUNK! I GET TO WATCH WHATEVER I WANT ON TV! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 72

I have the complete works of Shakespeare on my iPhone so I can ignore it wherever I go. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 70

Am I taking crazy pills, or is signing an email mostly reduntant? Take care, Adam @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 66

Embellished Tanks are on sale at Old Navy, but they don't tell you it's clothing until you get there. Lame-o. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64

I've gone from the "Beaver Motel" to the Oklahoma City Sheraton - where the towels are so thick and fluffy I can barely close my suitcase. @blankslate (Alex) – 58

Son, I considered being on time for your first grade Thanksgiving play, but then what would you have written sad poems about in 10 years? @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 58

I don’t let my wife come to my office. I wouldn’t want her to see me being somewhat competent & start expecting that shit at home. @cpinck (Chris Pinckney) – 57

"How do I look?" Compared to what? Next to Amy Winehouse, you're smokin' hot. Next to Angelina Jolie, I'm sure you have a nice personality. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

Remember when Gandalf quit his talk show but then came back stronger, riding a horse named Stedman? I'm just saying history repeats itself. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 57

At a wine tasting. Haha more like wine "gulping" the way I'm doing it. No YOU'RE pathetic shutup do they have beer here play VAN HALEN WHOO @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 56

If I was a kid right now, my wife would be in a lot of trouble. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

The time has come to bottle up this anti-consumerism sentiment and sell it back to hipsters as an expensive perfume. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54

I really hate it when someone tells me to go fuck myself. It’s embarrassing to buy the heels and dildos. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 53

Never fails I take my pants off get comfortable on the couch & SOMEONE at Sears has to be all "I'm going to ask you nicely to please leave" @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 53

Oh shit. I think I married my stalker. The Stockholm Syndrome just wore off. @damselesque (Beth) – 52

#favrd is down

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