villainizing
he is right. to a degree. and it is wrong of me. i think. i dont think i really know how to communicate at all. i feel like im ignoring my instincts. i dont know. i can't tell. and that's not fair. thats the only thing i really know. i think not knowing is part of the problem. am i moving the goal post? is that the problem? can it be fixed? am i broken? is there something missing? sometimes i think maybe i really should be alone. its not fair to put someone else through this. i cant tell anymore. all i can do is isolate the whole thing and dole myself out in pieces. in fragments that i can adjust. i dont want to piece and parcel myself and the people i love deserve me fully. i deserve that. but i cant tell what's wrong anymore. it doesn't seem to matter how much i try. which of the battles i should choose. im so fucking clueless and its disturbing. i know i've made my fair share of mistakes but when do i learn? am i not learning anything? i feel like i am but there is so much evidence that im not learning. and its no one's job to teach me.
i just want to be held. but ive grown so many thorns and they are a part of me. im scared that if i cut them off ill just bleed out. when does the self-victimizing stop? is that what this is? there just so many question marks. this is all i got. weeping while i leak into the void. the internet is an honest to goodness grave. maybe thats why its comforting to some degree.
should i let go? is that better? i don't want to hurt the people i love but i keep finding a way to do it. he is right. when you piss off a lion you don't approach it... but im not a lion. im not mad. im just hurt. maybe i should just be alone. its not all about me, i know that. and the only reason i was hurt is because i felt invisible. unacknowledged.
another battlefield, and i only have myself to blame.
thats that.