idiot brother had court date yesterday, and the result of it is the next year is going to be very fucking miserable for us all, so since I cannot focus on writing or even editing today, just gonna blabber on about writing instead. suffer my rambling. or scroll past it, idc.
making decent progress on lost fic still, not as fast as I'd like, but with as shit as my health is these days, not really surprising lol. I've finished through scene 10, though it's fair to note that scene 10 was not originally in the outline and I added it because I felt it needed it… but hopefully this won't be a fic where I just keep adding scene after scene to the outline… though that started as far back as when I was writing grey skies, so who am I kidding. I'm already feeling like I need a couple of extra scenes for ignis and gladio towards the end of the fic. lmao. we'll see how shit goes.
and really it's because these dumbass boys both decided they wanted to dive into their guilt over stuff with/about noct in their childhood that's making me need/want extra scenes, if they would just stick to angsting about noct being kidnapped it'd be fine!! >:(
it's fine. it's fine. I am wordy and the readers can have a 14K chapter every once in awhile. as a treat.
(ignoring that 14K chapters are starting to increasingly become the norm with me. STOP BEING SO EMOTIONAL.)
(but they make it so easy… my emotionally repressed trauma filled beans…)
(noct voice: beeeeeaaaaaaannnnssss)
also… I feel like the way I write is having to change, because my brain sucks donkey dick these days, and… I don't really like it. the change, not the donkey dong. ain't touchin' that. because it's just. it's so much harder to think, to focus, to concentrate, I got that brain fog in me because these big dumb idiot baby apple fight hormones are trying to murder me and I got the chronic fatigue real bad and now I got the pain from the HS trying to distract me all the time and. sigh. I can't get all those little details and emotional reactions and deep dive of thoughts down the first time the way I used to.
like. I have always, always been an edit as I go person. I have been writing fics for twenty-six fucking years and I do not do drafts. I just don't. I hate them, I don't work that way, for me it's too time-consuming and just… it's a waste of time, I have no patience for it. when I was in school and teachers/professors would make essay drafts a requirement and part of the grade, I just. wouldn't fucking do them lmao. I'd take the zero on the draft portion and get my full marks on my essay and it was fine. never tanked my grades. if they wouldn't accept a final essay without a draft turned in first, I'd write the final essay in one go and then go back and edit in some "mistakes" and turn that in as my draft. fuck your drafts, I loathe them and I don't need them.
but now my brain is struggling so much that I find I'm having to write in… layers, almost? it's not really a draft because I'm not taking the original version and then rewriting it from scratch to be better. but like now I'm writing down the bulk of the scene in the first go, the base so to speak, and then I go back through and add in and expand on any descriptions that need it (I very much have an issue with making my characters feel like they've been plopped down in a black void, and especially with so much of lost fic taking place in one room or another until noct gets free and starts trying to make his way back home, I definitely need to be careful of that here), and then I go back a third time and expand on their thoughts/emotions/physical reactions to stuff.
and I used to be able to drag all this out of me in one go but I'm just so tired all the time that I no longer have the ability to put myself in their emotional shoes and it's hard and frustrating and I hate it. am having to ask the bestie to keep helping me figure out how these bitches would react to shit or feel about it when I used to be able to just… do that.
anyways, all this to say that's definitely making progress a little slower than I'd like, but it's still happening and I'm getting there. will I be able to finish this fic in a month? I'd like to, I was hoping to, but I'm not sure at this point. might be a couple months. but some of that is just because I can't stop being wordy T^T lol. like. it's fucking. 71K???? AND I ONLY HAVE TEN SCENES. that total six chapters so far. 71K FOR SIX CHAPTERS. fucking ridiculous lmao.
it's fine. really. ain't nobody got time for short fics. or something.
okay. this bitch be tired. imma shut it now. if you actually read this I appreciate it. it's lonely shouting into the void sometimes.
here, have a line I really, really love. as a parting gift. a lil treat.
There's another pause, and after a moment Gladio sighs, already having an idea of what's eating away at his friend. And it doesn't surprise him—Ignis would carry a planet's worth of guilt on his shoulders when it comes to Noct, if he could.
