summary: months after breaking up, you run into alex at jason’s birthday party. seeing him with tara brings back feelings you thought you’d moved past
the invitation to jason’s second birthday came about two weeks before the party.
not because you didn’t want to see jason. you loved jason and you’d known him long enough that not showing up would’ve felt weird, especially when he’d specifically invited you and your friends.
the only problem was alex. or, as everyone online knew him, adapt.
you and alex had been broken up for a couple months now.
it hadn’t ended badly. neither of you had cheated, there was no huge fight, no betrayal that made it easy to hate each other.
and he’d gotten busy. you’d gotten busy. little things started turning into arguments, arguments turned into distance, and eventually you both reached the point where neither of you knew how to fix it anymore.
looking back, you honestly thought you probably could’ve. but you didn’t.
and after a couple months, you’d gotten used to not having him around.
at least, that was what you kept telling yourself as you stood in front of the mirror, fixing your hair while maru sat on the edge of your bed.
“you’re thinking too much.” she said, leaning back on her hands.
you looked at her through the mirror, pretending to be confused. “i’m literally not. i’m just getting ready.”
“you’ve changed your outfit three times.”
“maybe because i didn’t like the other ones.” you said, reaching for your purse from the dresser. “that doesn’t mean i’m thinking about anything.”
maru gave you a knowing look. “mhm. whatever you have to tell yourself.”
you rolled your eyes and grabbed your purse, checking your reflection one last time before turning around. “i’m going to have fun tonight. that’s literally all i care about.”
“i know you are.” she said, standing up from the bed. “i just think you’re making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.”
“i’m not making anything into a big deal.” you insisted. “and if alex is there, i don’t care. we’ve been broken up for months.”
maru smiled, clearly trying not to laugh. “i didn’t say anything about alex.”
she laughed as she grabbed her own things. “okay, fine. maybe my face did, but you’re the one who brought him up.”
“because i already know what you’re thinking.”
“and what am i thinking?”
“that i’m going to see him and suddenly lose my mind.”
“i wasn’t going to say that.” she said, opening the door. “but now that you mention it, i’m definitely thinking it.”
you shook your head, laughing despite yourself as you followed her out. “you’re annoying.”
“and you’re taking forever. come on. devin’s already asking where we are.”
the two of you left together, and by the time you met up with devin and nick and were on the way to jason’s, you had mostly managed to convince yourself that you were right.
you were going to have fun.
alex was going to be there, but that didn’t mean anything. you had moved on.
when you arrived at jason’s house, the party was already in full swing.
music was playing throughout the house, people were packed into the living room and kitchen, and there were cameras moving around everywhere as people filmed clips and interacted with one another. the energy was loud, and almost immediately, the nervous feeling you’d had on the drive over started to disappear.
you walked in with maru, devin, and nick, staying close to them as you looked around the crowded room.
“this place is already packed.” devin said, looking around.
“i know.” maru replied, adjusting her bag on her shoulder. “i told you we should’ve gotten here earlier.”
“and i told you we weren’t getting here earlier.” he retorted.
you laughed, shaking your head as the four of you made your way farther into the house. you hadn’t even made it very far before jason spotted you.
his face immediately lit up as he walked over, looking between all four of you.
“yo, what’s up? hi, guys.” he said, pulling devin into a quick hug before greeting nick and maru. “i’m glad you guys made it.”
“happy birthday man.” nick said, giving him a quick pat on the shoulder.
“thank you, bro.” jason’s attention eventually landed on you, and his expression shifted into a genuine smile.
“hey.” he said, pulling you into a hug. “long time no see.”
you laughed softly as you hugged him back. “yeah, it’s been a minute.”
“seriously.” he said as he pulled away, looking at you for a second. “i didn’t think you were actually gonna come.”
you raised an eyebrow, pretending not to understand what he meant. “why wouldn’t i?”
jason shrugged, a small smile still on his face. “i don’t know. i just didn’t.”
you laughed and shook your head. “well, i’m here.”
“i see that.” he said, grinning. “i’m glad you came, though. it’s good seeing you.”
“it’s good seeing you too. happy birthday.”
“thank you.” someone called jason from across the room, and he glanced over his shoulder before looking back at all of you.
“i gotta go deal with something, but i’ll come find you guys later.”
“go.” maru said, waving him off. “it’s your birthday. jason laughed before disappearing back into the crowd.
once he disappeared back into the crowd, you turned your attention toward your friends again, trying to push the interaction out of your mind before you could start overthinking it.
for the next hour or so, everything actually felt normal. you stayed close to maru, devin, and nick, bouncing between conversations and laughing over things that probably wouldn’t even make sense the next morning. you took pictures together, stole some of devin’s food when he wasn’t paying attention, and ended up arguing with nick over something completely stupid that neither of you actually cared about.
the more time passed, the less you thought about alex.
you started to relax, letting yourself get caught up in the party instead of worrying about who else was there. the music was loud, everyone seemed to be in a good mood, and you were actually having fun without thinking about the fact that your ex was somewhere in the same house.
then, while maru was in the middle of telling you a story, your attention drifted toward the other side of the room.
alex was standing near the kitchen, talking to a few people with a drink in his hand. you hadn’t seen him properly in months, and for a second, everything around you seemed to become slightly quieter.
you had seen him online since the breakup. you’d come across his streams, clips, pictures, and random posts that occasionally found their way onto your feed. sometimes you’d watch them longer than you meant to, while other times you’d scroll away almost immediately because you didn’t want to give yourself a reason to think about him.
but none of that prepared you for actually seeing him standing in the same room.
he looked familiar in a way that made your chest tighten.
the way he stood, the way he laughed, the way he moved his hands when he talked. little things you’d forgotten you remembered seemed to come back all at once, and before you could stop yourself, you found yourself staring.
you could tell by the slight pause in her story and the way her eyes flickered briefly in the direction you were looking.
but she didn’t say anything.
she didn’t tease you, didn’t ask if you were okay, and didn’t make some obvious comment about alex being there. she simply continued her story as if she hadn’t noticed you zoning out at all.
you were grateful for that.
you forced your attention back to her, giving a small laugh at something she’d said even though you’d completely missed the last part of the story.
“sorry, what did you say?” you asked, trying to sound casual.
maru looked at you for half a second, clearly knowing you hadn’t been listening, but instead of calling you out, she just repeated herself.
“i said devin was literally about to fall asleep standing up earlier.”
you glanced toward devin, who was busy talking to nick and completely unaware that he was being discussed.
“of course he did, he’s such a grandpa.” you said, finally letting yourself laugh.
“i know.” maru replied, continuing the conversation without making you explain yourself.
you looked down at your drink for a moment, taking a small sip before letting your eyes wander around the room again.
you told yourself you weren’t looking for alex. you were just looking.
but when your eyes found him again, you quickly turned back toward maru before she could notice a second time.
you managed to get through the first part of the night without letting yourself think too much about alex. you knew he was there somewhere, but the house was crowded enough that you could go a while without seeing him, and honestly, that made it easier.
eventually, you ended up in the kitchen with a drink in your hand, talking to lacy and ron.
“i haven’t seen you in forever.” lacy said giving you a respectful, side hug. “how have you been?”
“good, honestly. i’ve just been doing my own thing.”
ron leaned against the counter beside him, smiling as he listened. “that’s what everyone says when they’ve actually been busy.”
you laughed. “i have been busy. i’ve just been trying to stay out of everybody’s business.”
“that’s hard to do around here.” lacy said, looking around the crowded kitchen. “there’s always some fucking drama going on.”
you stayed there with them for a while, talking over the music and laughing about old stories. it was easy, familiar, and exactly what you’d wanted from the night.
then, while ron was talking, your attention drifted past him.
alex was standing on the other side of the kitchen. and tara was with him.
you didn’t mean to stare, but you watched for a second before forcing yourself to look back at lacy.
there wasn’t anything going on. they were just talking.
still, seeing them together in person felt different than seeing a random clip online.
especially because you’d started noticing them more over the last few weeks.
it wasn’t like you were searching for them or keeping up with whatever they were doing, but their collabs had become hard to miss. you’d seen clips of them together popping up on your feed, little moments from streams that people would repost, and then the edits started getting more obvious.
people were shipping them.
there were compilations of their interactions, edits making their conversations look more romantic than they probably were, comments talking about how good they looked together, and even jokes about how they were definitely together privately.
you’d never thought much of it at the time. at least, you tried not to.
you’d usually scroll past and tell yourself it was just the internet doing what it always did, pitting two people of the opposite sex into a whole epic romance.
but now you were standing in the same room watching them laugh together, and suddenly all those little clips felt a lot less harmless.
you looked down at your drink and took another sip.
you reminded yourself that alex wasn’t your boyfriend anymore. he was allowed to have friends. he was allowed to collab with whoever he wanted. and he was sure as hell was allowed to be close with another girl without it having anything to do with you.
you just didn’t particularly like having to remind yourself.
you turned your attention back toward lacy and forced yourself into the conversation again, laughing when he finished his story.
“wait, no, because you would’ve done the exact same thing.” you said, nudging him.
“i absolutely would not.”
ron laughed between the two of you, and for a few minutes, you actually forgot about what you’d seen.
then you glanced over again and they were still together.
this time, she said something that made him laugh, and you immediately looked away.
you finished your drink without even realizing you’d been doing it. once the cup was empty, you set it down and reached for another.
you weren’t drinking because you were upset.
you were at a party. you were having fun. you were allowed to drink.
and if drinking made it a little easier to stop thinking about who alex was talking to, then there wasn’t exactly anything wrong with that.
you took another sip and turned back toward lacy and ron, letting yourself get pulled back into their conversation. for the next few minutes, you focused on them instead.
you just laughed and acted like you hadn’t just spent the last five minutes reminding yourself that your ex was allowed to move on.
as the party continued, you tried to let yourself enjoy it.
you found your way back over to maru, devin, and nick, who were by the entrance of the living room. maru immediately looked you over when you walked up, like she was trying to figure out how long you’d actually been gone.
“there you are.” she said, nudging your arm. “we thought you dipped
nick looked at you for a second before glancing at the drink in your hand. “how much have you had?”
you looked down at it, then back at him. “i don’t know.”
“that’s not a good answer.”
devin laughed and shook his head. “that’s exactly what someone who isn’t fine would say.”
you rolled your eyes, but you smiled anyway. “can you guys just let me have fun?”
“that’s what we’re trying to do.” maru said, linking her arm through yours. “come on, we’re going to dance.”
you let her pull you toward the living room, deciding that maybe this was exactly what you needed. if you stayed around your friends, kept talking, kept laughing, and kept yourself busy, eventually you’d stop thinking about alex.
you danced with maru when one of your favorite songs came on, laughed when nick nearly spilled his drink all over himself, and took pictures with devin that you already knew were probably going to end up in someone’s photo dump. they kept you involved and made a point of keeping you laughing whenever you started getting quiet.
you appreciated it more than you let them know. the problem was that you were already drinking more than you normally would.
you’d started drinking before you even came back from the kitchen because you were trying to make yourself stop thinking about alex, and now that you were back with everyone, you kept reaching for another drink whenever your thoughts started catching up with you.
“slow down.” maru said at one point, gently taking your cup from you before you could take another sip.
you immediately reached for it. “give it back.”
she stared at you for a moment before handing it over with a sigh. “fine, but i’m watching you.”
you smiled like you’d won and took another sip.
the alcohol was slowly making everything feel less serious.
you were warmer, more relaxed, and less interested in filtering what you said, but it wasn’t actually making the jealousy go away. if anything, it was making it harder to ignore.
every time you looked across the room, you seemed to find alex again.
and, more often than not, tara was somewhere nearby.
sometimes they were talking. sometimes they were standing beside each other while other people talked around them.
you kept telling yourself there was nothing to it, but the more you’d been drinking, the harder it was to convince yourself.
at one point, tara leaned closer to say something over the music, and alex bent down so he could hear her.
you watched them for a second before looking away, your expression falling without you even realizing it.
“i hate this.” you muttered.
maru, who had been standing beside you, heard you clearly. “then stop watching them.”
“you’re not trying very hard.”
you gave her an annoyed look, but there wasn’t much fight behind it anymore. “i just don’t understand why i care.”
maru’s expression softened when she saw how genuinely upset you looked.
“because you were with him for a long time.”
you looked down at your cup, turning it slowly between your fingers. “we’re not together anymore.”
“so i really shouldn’t care.”
“that’s not really how feelings work.”
you swallowed, trying to keep your expression neutral. “i know.”
maru squeezed your arm. “you don’t have to pretend you’re completely over it just because you broke up.”
you looked at her for a moment, your eyes starting to sting from a mixture of alcohol and emotions you were trying very hard not to acknowledge.
“i don’t want to be jealous.”
you laughed quietly. “that’s not how it works either.”
“i know.” she said, smiling softly. “but try not to let it ruin your night.”
you nodded, even though you weren’t sure you could promise that.
to distract you, devin suddenly stepped between the two of you with nick behind him.
“we’re taking pictures.” devin announced. “you’re coming.”
you groaned. “right now?”
nick grabbed your shoulder and pulled you into the group before you could argue. “just smile and pretend you’re having the best night ever.”
you laughed despite yourself. “i am having a good night.”
you let yourself get pulled into the conversation again, and for a few minutes, you actually forgot.
until you looked toward the other side of the room. alex was already looking at you. your smile slowly faded.
everything around you seemed to blur into the background as your eyes met from across the room.
he didn’t immediately look away. neither did you.
there was something different about the way he was looking at you now. it wasn’t casual, and it wasn’t the same look he’d given you earlier in the night. he seemed completely distracted by you, like he’d forgotten about everyone around him.
you couldn’t hear what anyone was saying anymore.
you just stood there staring at each other. then tara said something beside him.
alex didn’t respond. she said it again, this time touching his arm lightly to get his attention.
he finally blinked and looked toward her.
she said something else, and he turned away from you to answer her. the moment broke.
you looked down, suddenly feeling embarrassed that you’d been standing there staring at him.
you nodded quickly. “yeah. i’m fine.”
maru looked between you and alex before looking back at you. “maybe you should get some air.”
you nodded, already feeling the emotions you’d been trying to suppress start to catch up with you.
“yea ill be right back.” you said.
maru looked at you immediately. “do you want me to come with you?”
she hesitated, clearly not loving the idea of you going outside alone, especially after watching how much you’d been drinking.
“okay.” she finally said. “but don’t disappear.”
you gave her a small smile. “i won’t.”
you slipped through the back door before anyone could stop you, leaving the music and the crowded room behind.
the cool air hit your face as soon as you stepped outside, and you immediately took a deep breath, hoping it would clear your head. you walked farther from the back door before leaning against the railing, looking down at the drink in your hand.
you knew you were jealous and at this point there was no point pretending otherwise.
you’d spent most of the night watching alex and tara together, telling yourself you didn’t care every time you caught them talking. then you’d take another drink, turn back toward your friends, and somehow end up looking at them again a few minutes later.
especially because you knew you didn’t have a right to be jealous.
you and alex had been broken up for months.
the back door opened behind you, and you heard footsteps before turning around. alex stopped when he saw you.
“oh, i didn’t know you were out here,” he said, glancing toward the house. “i just came outside because it’s getting too loud in there.”
“yeah.” you muttered. “i needed air too.”
he nodded and stayed a few feet away from you, leaning against the railing.
for a moment, neither of you said anything. then he looked over.
his eyes moved to your drink. “you’ve had a lot tonight.”
he nodded, but then he went quiet again.
you waited but he didn’t say anything. you looked at him, already annoyed.
“are you seriously not going to say anything?”
alex frowned. “about what?”
“i don’t know. anything.”
“so i’m not trying to have some huge conversation with you when you’ve been drinking.”
you scoffed, looking away. “right. you can talk to tara all night, though.”
alex’s eyebrows pulled together. “what?”
you shrugged like you hadn’t just admitted exactly what had been bothering you all night. “nothing.”
“no, what did you just say?”
“i said you can talk to tara all night.”
he stared at you for a second, clearly trying to figure out where that had come from. “what does tara have to do with anything?”
you laughed under your breath, looking down at your cup.
“no, seriously. why are you bringing her up?”
you shook your head, taking another sip even though you knew you probably shouldn’t.
“because you’ve been with her all night.” you finally said, the words coming out more bitter than you intended. “every time i look over, she’s there. you two are talking, laughing, standing together, and i’m just supposed to sit there and pretend i don’t notice.”
alex looked at you for a moment, then glanced back toward the house.
“i didn’t realize you were paying that much attention.”
you gave him an annoyed look. “i don’t know, alex. maybe because i can still see you from across the room?”
“that’s not what i meant.”
he was quiet again, and that silence only made you more irritated.
“see, you’re doing it again.” you said, pushing yourself away from the railing slightly. “you ask me why, and then you don’t say anything when i actually tell you.”
“then you know why i’m not saying much.”
“because you think i’m going to regret it tomorrow?”
“because i don’t want you saying something because you’re emotional right now and then feeling like i took advantage of that.”
you stared at him, your frustration slowly turning into something more emotional. “but what if i mean it?”
alex didn’t answer immediately.
“what if i mean everything i’m saying?” you continued. “what if i’m just drunk enough to actually say it out loud?”
he looked at you carefully.
“then we can talk about it tomorrow.”
you scoffed and looked away. “that’s so easy for you to say.”
“what do you want me to say tonight?”
“anything.” you said, turning back toward him. “just say something that isn’t ‘you’re drunk’ or ‘we’ll talk tomorrow.’”
alex sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “i don’t know what you want from me.”
“i don’t know either.” you admitted, your voice cracking slightly. “that’s the problem.”
you looked down at your cup, blinking a few times before continuing. “i just know that i hated seeing you with her.”
alex’s expression softened.
“i know tara and i were talking a lot tonight, but there’s nothing going on between us.”
“then why does it bother you so much?”
you stared at him for a few seconds, almost offended that he was actually making you say it out loud when you both already knew the answer. “you know why, alex.”
he held your gaze, but he didn’t say anything.
you shook your head and looked away, taking another sip from your drink before continuing. “don’t make me sit here and explain it to you like you don’t already know. you know exactly why it bothers me.”
“i want to hear you say it.”
you let out a frustrated laugh. “of course you do.”
“i’m not trying to make you upset.”
“well, you’re doing a shitty job.”
alex looked at you for a moment, his expression softening when he realized how genuinely upset you were.
“i’m not trying to make you upset.” he said again, quieter this time. “i just don’t want to put words in your mouth.”
“I get that but you know why i’m jealous. you know why i keep looking at you. you know why seeing you with her has been pissing me off all night.”you replied, your voice getting sharper.
alex stayed quiet, and somehow that made you even more frustrated.
“say something.” you muttered, wiping underneath your eye before the tears could fall. “you’re making me look fucking stupid.”
“you don’t look stupid.” alex said quietly.
your voice cracked, and you looked away, embarrassed by how quickly everything was getting to you.
“i shouldn’t even care this much.” you continued. “we’re not together. you can talk to tara, you can like someone else, you can do whatever you want. i know that. i just hate that it hurts me anyway.”
alex’s expression softened as he watched you, clearly bothered by seeing you this upset.
“i don’t want you hurting over me.” he said.
“and you’re just standing there.” you tried to say before he cut you off.
“because i don’t want to say something tonight that you might not mean tomorrow.”
you looked at him, tears finally slipping down your cheek. “but what if i do mean it?”
alex took a small step closer, his voice staying gentle.
“then you can tell me tomorrow.”
you shook your head, frustrated. “why can’t you just tell me what you feel right now?”
“because you’re drunk, and i care about you too much to have this conversation like this.”
you stared at him, hurt by the answer even though you knew he was trying to do the right thing. “so you don’t want to talk to me.”
“that’s not what i’m saying.”
“i do want to talk to you.” he said, his voice firmer this time. “i just want you sober when we do it. i want you to remember what you said, and i want to know that you meant it because you actually feel that way, not because tonight got to you.”
you looked down, quietly wiping your face. “i hate you right now.”
alex gave a sad little smile. “i know.”
“maybe not.” he admitted. “but i know this is hurting you, and i don’t like seeing you like this.”
you swallowed, trying to steady yourself.
“i still care about you.” you finally whispered. “and i hate that i do.”
alex’s face softened, but he didn’t try to turn it into anything more. “then tell me again tomorrow.”
you looked at him through your tears.
“and if i still feel the same?”
“then we’ll talk about it.”
the back door opened behind you before you could respond, and maru stepped outside, immediately noticing your face.
“there you are,” she said, her voice softening when she saw you. “come on, let’s get you some water.”
you nodded, wiping your cheeks before looking back at alex one last time.
he just looked at you with that same expression he’d had all night, like he wanted to say more but knew better. and somehow, that hurt even more.
by the time you got home, the night was mostly a blur. you barely remembered getting into bed before passing out, but the second you woke up, everything came rushing back.
the conversation with alex. tara. the jealousy. and everything you’d admitted.
you groaned, reaching for your phone. there were messages from maru and the group chat, but one name immediately caught your attention.
alex: you make it home okay?
you: yeah. i’m just really hungover.
a moment later, another message came through.
alex: do you remember everything from last night?
you: unfortunately, yeah.
alex: even what you said outside?
there was a pause before he replied.
alex: okay. i just didn’t want to push you last night. you were drunk and already pretty sad, and i didn’t want to overwhelm you or make you say something you weren’t ready to say.
you stared at the screen, remembering how frustrated you’d been with him for barely responding.
you: i thought you just didn’t want to talk to me.
alex: no. i wanted to. i just didn’t think it was fair to have that conversation while you were drunk.
you: i still meant what i said.
the typing bubble appeared.
alex: i know. and i still care about you too.
you stared at the message, your heart sinking a little.
you: then what about tara?
alex: we’re friends. that’s all.
you nodded to yourself before typing.
you smiled faintly despite yourself. then another message appeared.
alex: can we talk about all of this in person?
you stared at it for a moment.
alex: because i don’t want to have this conversation over text. i think we both deserve to actually talk about what happened between us.
you looked at the screen, your heart beating a little faster.
alex: i’ll text you later and we’ll figure something out.
you set your phone down, staring at the ceiling.
you’d spent months trying to convince yourself you were over him and now you weren’t so sure anymore.
