#fears.

[irlmantaray]

the instant stomach drop anytime i get a canvas notification saying a grade was released.

[magioffire]

vali's most common reoccurring nightmare is him standing on a dark, cold island set in the middle of a freezing, violent ocean.

all around him are other islands -- they are lit up with torches and bonfires. warm and welcoming, he can hear the voices of others, happy and merry. he can hear music and smell delicious food cooking, all collected from his own most precious memories.

and he desperately wants to go to them, to be apart of that warmth and safety and comfort. to taste those memories again. to find new memories. but hes stuck here on this empty, cold island all by himself.

in some dreams hes tried to swim to the islands, but he only drowns in the endless sea. some dreams he attempts to boat over, but he just ends up lost in the endless sea. or maybe he tries to fly to them, only to be lost in the storm clouds ever thundering above.

hes even tried calling to them in the hopes they might come to him, hear his cries for help, for mercy from this suffering -- but no one ever responds. either they do not realize his suffering, or they do not care. they continue to laugh and talk and hug and kiss eachother while vali drowns in the frothy, cold brine.

in some dreams, hes just left pacing and screaming and crying on the beach, the sand sharp and icy against his bare feet. hes fighting with himself about whether he even deserves to have that, why he cant have that for himself. cursing himself for all the times he did end up on one of those islands, and ran because it was too much. for all the times he destroyed those islands.

in other dreams set on that island, he just stares out at the waves crashing against the craggy rocks,, not making a sound, not fighting or bargaining, just kind of accepting that this will never be his. just wishing and longing.

as a dreamstrider, he could prevent these dreams from happening, but he allows them to keep coming as if they are some kind of punishment, or like they are lesson he can learn from. but every time he wakes up, hes in a cold sweat, on the brink of tears, fearing being alone again, over and over again.

[ohbelladonna]

been thinking about yang. been thinking about if salem does anything to her i’ll start throwing rocks. been thinking about where to get said rocks

[magioffire]

the dissociation between vali's projected self and his vulnerable true self has got me by the throat

[magioffire]

“The cold facsimile of life that we call ‘silence’. That’s what I was left with. The cunning serpent that writhes and constricts the throat. It felt like I was going to vomit. I backed up, as if my brain was trying to get me away from the very sound that had lodged itself in my heart. I couldn’t process anything, my stomach churning and swirling within me, my throat burning as the serpent burrowed deeper.” -Excerpt from Bad Iron

[leo-who-loves-wolfstar]

This year too has passed, and also very quickly. It hasn't been a good year for me, there have been changes in my life, many identity crises, fear of war in ukraine, anxiety, I have acute panic attacks. I know here on social it seems like I'm at peace with my sexuality and my life life is perfect, but I assure you my life is not perfect.

I still have many fears. I hope to overcome them

With that said, Happy New Year everyone!❤️