#featuring adelaide

[lou-bonfightme]

Windows || [Loud Bell + Others]

In which Hades makes one final attempt to reach Toulouse...[takes place: October 13, 2024]

featuring: @trip-downtheriverstyx, @labellerose-acheron, @marie-a-bonfamille, Adelaide Bonfamille, Berlioz Bonfamille-Lyons, and Nounou.

[cw/tw -- this whole para features intense themes of mental health, including suicidal ideation, please tread carefully and if you would like a summary feel free to reach out!]

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[link here]

[lou-bonfightme]

a bottle full of water || [self-para]

In which Toulouse attends a party...[takes place: May 10]

[tw -- surprisingly? none]

The moment Lou’s feet touched the grass outside the Acherons’, he turned to the forest. His fingers shook, but that was the only indication of his impending transformation. He made his way quickly into the trees and reached up to pull his tie off, tossing it into the bushes. It was not often that he felt suffocated by his clothing, but he felt as if he was going to explode. 

He stood in the silence of the trees and waited for the wolf to burst from his skin. 

Instead, his hands just continued to tremble. The wolf was silent. Even its howling couldn’t be overheard by the blazing inferno of Lou’s own emotions. There were no thoughts, just feelings. To untangle them would be to confront them. They clawed at him, ripping him to pieces, stripping him back to his ugliest, most selfish parts.

You ruin everything, hissed a voice taut and sharp as the jab of a violin string coursing in his head. You ruin everything you touch, everything you love. 

The moment Belle had walked through the door, Lou had watched it all unravel as if it was happening in fast forward. He could see the fight that would occur in his wake. It was one that he had heard a million times before. All while Opal slept in her bed. Would she wake to the sound of yelling or slamming doors? 

Would she cry? Would she cry and it would be his fault?

Lou choked on his own breath and the tears burned behind his eyes. 

It had just been one kiss, but it was a kiss that had opened up a door somewhere inside of him that he knew he couldn’t close. He had kissed Hades and felt his mind slow, felt his mind click into perfect place, as if kissing Hades was a language that had been hidden to him until Hades’ warm mouth had spoken it against Lou’s tongue. 

He still felt the kiss in his blood, as if it had imprinted onto every cell in his body. He still felt the kiss and he knew--he loved Hades in the way that poets spoke about love. 

Hades was married. Hades had a wife and a family. A family that Lou loved and would never wish to hurt or divide. 

He felt his stomach twist at the thought as if he was going to be sick. Pressing his back to a tree, he slid down its gnarled trunk, uncaring of the snags of bark catching against the delicate green silk of his jacket. His head pressed against his knees and he willed the wolf forth. Desperately he wanted to escape into its comforting, carnal nature. The wolf thought so simply. The man thought so deeply, that he felt as if he was drowning. 

Toulouse did not know how long he sat with his elbows hooked around his knees, his face buried. Eventually, his phone buzzed.

He ignored it.

It buzzed again. And then again. 

Someone was calling him. 

It was his birthday.

It was his mother’s birthday.

Toulouse was late. 

He did not answer her call, but got up from the ground and dragged his way towards his empty, empty home. Which, today, would be full of life. 

||||||||||

Toulouse managed to arrive just before the first wave of guests, slinking upstairs to change. He scrubbed his face, fixed his hair, changed his jacket and trousers, and put on a new tie. 

When he looked at himself in the mirror, he felt as if no amount of concealer would help conceal the cracks in his skin where the emotion was still pouring out. Anyone could look at him and know he’d had a revelation that had shattered him. 

Downstairs, his mother flit about from living room to dining room. Straightening photos, an apron over her silky blue party dress, which shimmered like a pool of clear water as she moved about, feather duster in hand. She did not notice him at first, leaning against the doorframe. Instead, she hummed a song he recognized, though he could not place. 

When she finally caught sight of him, she let out a squeak and then chuckled. “You are so unkind, mon chou, sneaking up on your poor Maman.” She flit towards him next, waving the feather duster in his face.

“Désolé, Maman,” he told her, scrunching his nose at her and batting the offensive instrument out of the way. He leaned down to kiss her soft cheek. “I was just admiring your dress. You look beautiful.” 

“Oh, flatterer,” she cooed, tickling with him the feather duster again. “I have not worn it yet, I wasn’t sure how appropriate it would be for tonight, but I couldn’t help myself--” Adelaide stopped prattling and turned to him. 

“Where have you been?” she accused as if the thought had just occurred to her. 

“At the Acherons’,” Lou lied smoothly. 

“Tch, they kept you far too long from me on my day.” 

“Our day,” corrected Lou automatically.

“Oui, oui, our day.” She beamed at him. “No matter! Help your mother straighten up before the guests arrive.” And she turned in a shimmer of blue and melted away, back into the house, unaware of anything at all. 

||||||||||

The guests arrived as they always did. One after one after one. Sometimes, they came in pairs. Simba bursting through, dragging Berlioz just behind him, his wedding ring glinting on their entwined fingers. Marie with Fflewddur, both covered in finery and newlywed bliss. They all greeted Toulouse with smiles on their faces. Simba handed him a gift which was discarded on a side table, piled with presents, mostly for his mother.

Toulouse kept looking at it and wishing only for a book.

The guests filled the house with laughter and clinking of glasses. For just a few hours, the house came alive. From his spot in one of the arm chairs, he could watch everyone from the vantage point of the bottles of water lined up along the counter. The dresses of the women in the latest spring fashions swirled like watercolours, bleeding together. He watched the party as if in fast forward, his own smiles accelerated as he laughed and drank and marveled at his ability to camouflage himself among the celebration. 

||||||||||

It felt only as if he had blinked and the party was over. Nounou stood in front of him, most of the lights turned down in the house now. 

“Monsieur, did you have a good party?” Nounou asked him, peering up at him.

“Oui, Nounou. C'était très bien. Merci beaucoup.” He told her, handing her another appetizer plate from the living room. 

She looked at him for a moment, the both of them holding one side of the silver tray. He felt his cheeks heat slightly. 

“Your mother is in the music room,” she told him. “Go see if she needs anything else.” 

“Oui, Nounou,” Lou agreed dutifully and went through the open door, across the foyer, finding his mother seated at the piano bench, her dress shimmering now like moonlight. It was dark in the music room, though light spilled in through the gossamer curtains from the garden out front. His mother had her back to him, her fingers dancing over the keys, though she did not press down on any of them. 

“Nounou wanted to know if you needed anything?” he asked. 

Adelaide turned to smile up at him, though it was a soft smile. “Ah, mon fils, come sit with me a moment,” she entreated him, her fingers slipping from the keys as she made room for him on the bench. Obliging his mother as always he moved towards the instrument and sat with his back towards the keys, facing the window and the driveway beyond. The moon was still heavy in the sky, Lou could feel its song under his skin. 

His mother touched his shoulder, then rested her head against his arm, looping her own through his. “Did you have a good time tonight?” 

“Oui, Maman. C'était très bien. Merci beaucoup.” 

“That is the same thing you said to your Nounou,” she told him, sitting up again and touching his cheek, so that he would turn his head and look at her. Her blue eyes were muted in the faint light, but Toulouse saw uncharacteristic alertness there as she held his gaze. 

“Is it? Well, it must have been a very good party, then,” he murmured, turning his head away. 

“You are very far away,” Adelaide said and Lou felt the scrap of her manicured nails as she clutched a little tighter at his arm. 

Lou’s lip twitched as if he was going to smile, but he did not. He felt too tired to argue with her. Perhaps, he was even relieved that someone had noticed. It was as if he had been running all day and now, with his mother’s hand on his arm, he’d finally been pulled to a stop. 

“I’m sorry, Maman.”

“I worry about you, mon chou.” 

Toulouse turned again to his mother and this time her eyes were brighter. His heart twisted. 

You ruin everything, that voice in his head snarled again. 

“You don’t need to.” His voice was sharper than it had been a moment ago. 

“You would tell me, oui? If I did need to?”

Certainly not. Toulouse had promised himself he would not bother his family anymore. Not that he completely isolated himself. When the world felt too heavy he called--

Hades. 

His heart twisted again and his throat closed. In his lap, his hands tangled together, and he rubbed at his knuckles. He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t. Lou did not deserve to shed tears over a kiss that couldn’t mean anything. He battled the emotion down again for a moment. 

“Of course, Maman.” 

Adelaide’s hand slipped from Lou’s arm and he heard the first notes of the piano. The melody was soft and gentle, rocking like a lullaby. 

“Maman,” Lou started softly. 

The piano playing stopped.

“Would you have ever stayed with Père? If things were...different, somehow?” 

“This is a strange question, Toulouse,” Adelaide answered, just as softly. 

“I know, I’m sorry, I--” He stood from the bench, moving towards the door. 

“I do not think so,” he heard his mother say and he stopped a few steps away from the piano. She went back to playing, picking up where she had left off. “Sometimes, mon amour, love is very cruel to us and then we realize: it is not love, anymore.” 

Toulouse swallowed. What if all there is, is love and it is still wrong? 

Without another word, he left the room. 

[lou-bonfightme]

Dog Days are Over VII || [Toulouse + ses parents]

Dated: July 6, 2018

Lou in therapy.

[tw – discussion of suicide]

Rivera: Ah, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Bonfamille, yes? It is nice to meet you. I have heard a lot about you from your son. Please, sit down.

Hector: Thank you. [charming smile and shakes Rivera's hand before he sits down.]

Adelaide: Yes, yes, thank you. My, this is a lovely space. [also sits down, pleasant smile]

Rivera: Thank you, I like to think it is welcoming and--cozy.

Toulouse: Cozy is a good word for it.

Rivera: [shakes head at him]

Adelaide: Oh, I think cozy is just perfect. Very intimate, oui?

Hector: [adjusts his own lapel but says nothing else]

Rivera: That's the idea. [smiles at Adelaide] Now, the goal for today is to just--clear the air. Ask any questions that you need answered. Or--say anything that you need to say. Lou also has something to tell you, but we will bring that up towards the end, if everything goes well. Which I'm sure it will. Would either of you like to start? I know you've both seen your son since he came here, but often it is hard to bring up the things that really matter during such visits. And it is important that everyone is on the same page, moving forwards.

Adelaide: Well, I can start--

Hector: Perhaps Lou would like to start-- [same time as Adelaide]

Adelaide: Oh, well-- well, if you would like to, Toulouse.

Hector: I'd just like to hear how he's doing.

Toulouse: Oh, uhm, I'm--alright.

Rivera: Lou.

Toulouse: I'm...good. [clears throat a little] Yes, I'm ready to come...home. [nods a little, glances at his dad and then away again.]

Adelaide: [nods and smiles warmly] Well, that is very good to hear. I'm very ready for you to come home too, we've all missed you. But I am very proud of you, I am, for coming here and-- I just...hope that it's helped. I very badly want to help you Toulouse. I suppose I want to ask if...if there was anything I could do or-- anything I was doing before, perhaps, that made you so unhappy. I thought that you'd want me home more but you seemed so upset with me all the time, I didn't mean-- if there was anything that I was doing that might have drove you away...

Toulouse: Oh, Maman. [reaches over to grab her hand, pulling it into his own lap.] No, it was not--you, there--there was nothing you did. [shakes his head, opens mouth, but he is at a loss for words for a moment.] It was--I am...I am sorry. I did not...I was--a-angry and upset and I...took it out on you. I'm sorry. [kisses her hand] Maman, you--this...it's not...I...[trails off and looks down at his own lap]

Adelaide: Oh, mon beau petit garçon, it's alright! [scooches closer and squeezes his shoulder.] I am your mother, I would much prefer you take out your pain on me than on yourself. [is probably already tearing up like a weak motherfucker get it together adelaide.] It is my job. And I am so sorry, that for so long I didn't do that job. I want you to be able to come to me, Toulouse, for anything at all. Anything.

Hector: [is just kinda lookin' down, lettin' them have their moment]

Toulouse: I-I know. I know that. I did not mean to be so cruel to you, Maman. I hated myself for it.

Adelaide: I forgive you, Toulouse. You needn't hate yourself anymore. There is nothing you could do that would stop my love for you.

Toulouse: [is struggling real hard not to cry] Nor I you, Maman.

Adelaide: Is there anything else I can do to help you? For when you come home?

Toulouse: No, I, uhm. [looks at Rivera]

Rivera: [nods]

Toulouse: Just uhm, I would like...things to...be normal. I-I don't...I don't...want things to be...strange. I am...still--myself.

Adelaide: Normal. Well, I think we can do that, oui? [smiles at him and brushes at his hair] Though I have been helping Nounou with the cooking so perhaps that is one thing that can be not so normal too

Hector: You? Cooking?

Adelaide: Yes, Hector, my duck is very adequate.

Hector: Ah.

Toulouse: Berlioz told me it is edible. [raises his eyebrows at his father]

Hector: [chuckles a little] Well, I will believe it when I have tasted it myself

Adelaide: Well. You are always welcome to stay for dinner, Monsieur. [polite and yet very piercing smile at him]

Toulouse: [is now v uncomfortable bc he's not an idiot]

Rivera: Mr. Bonfamille, or uhm--do you have a-a title or something I should call you by? I think Lou told me once...

Toulouse: Dèputè.

Rivera: Dèputè Bonfamille, then, do you--have anything you would like to ask? You seem to be a man of few words. Is it safe to say your son gets that from you?

Hector: [smiles at Rivera] Ah, well, you'll find I have quite a lot to say in certain settings during the appropriate times. Whether or not Lou feels the same way, I could not say-- I do not speak for my son. But I like to think that he is a very smart and confident man, who comes across very well in many different environments. I-- it was...shocking to me, to hear what he'd tried to do. [looks down at his lap for a brief moment.] I've told him this. I didn't-- I didn't see it coming. I still don't really understand it, I...I do not want to push you, Lou, but...I do feel a little...[slightly quieter and more awkward, that confidence having drained over this mini-speech] ...lost. With all this.

Toulouse: [is visibly uncomfortable at this speech]

Rivera: It is understandably shocking, many times. People tend to not notice, especially if they do not see someone everyday--

Toulouse: Yes, it is not your fault, Père.

Rivera: Do you think you might be able to elaborate on what you mean by lost? Lou is willing to answer your questions. That is why we are all here.

Hector: I... well. [frowns] I just...I suppose I thought we had a very good relationship. We-- talked often, and we had good conversations and I always-- I know I am often busy and I cannot see you as much as even I would hope, but I do try to be available, if at least by phone or email so-- to me, it seemed like...everything was...fine. Until of course, we first learned of your alcohol troubles and your general unhappiness. I...I don't know. [sort of lifts his arms in a helpless shrug.] I thought you were doing well and now I don't know what to think. I don't know why you wouldn't have come to me. [actually has tears in his eyes its very sudden same hector im fucked up.] Why wouldn't you have told me you needed help?

Toulouse: [shifts a little and doesn't look at his father bc looks at him crying makes him uncomfortable] Toulouse: [shrugs a little] Toulouse: I didn't tell anyone.

Hector: But why? I don't understand--

Adelaide: Hector...

Hector: No, I--please, I need to know why. I thought we-- I don't know, I suppose I thought we were closer than we were and I just..want to know why.

Toulouse: Why would I tell someone I was going to kill myself, if that was the intention? It would be counterproductive, wouldn't it?

Rivera: Lou. We have talked about this.

Toulouse: What? It is what happened. Or--what would've. Or--It's not like I did any of this to slight any of you. It was not some manipulation. It was not--[huffs]. It wasn't /about/ any of you.

Hector: I know that, Lou, but-- you are smart, you must have known that wanting to kill yourself is not a healthy thought and that having such thoughts meant you needed help from someone, if not me or your mother, then someone else--

Adelaide: Hector!

Hector: What? It makes no sense. I don't understand what went wrong or-- fine, what was it about then?

Toulouse: It's not that simple. [said testily]

Rivera: People who have suicidal thoughts often do not seek help. Regardless of the truth, they feel alone with their struggles. They do not seek help, because they feel there is no help to be sought. All of you love and support, Lou, but his brain often tells him differently. That is why we have therapy. To voice those insecurities and issues and come to realizations and understandings.

Hector: Alright. [pause] Then...how can I help? In the future?

Rivera: Lou?

Toulouse: You are rather...[stops and takes a breath] It is hard, to talk to you. Sometimes. You both--[flicks eyes to Adelaide and away again]--don't...see much. That you...do not want.

Hector: But how can we see it if you do not-- tell us these things in the first place?

Toulouse: [is looking down in his lap, properly chastised]

Adelaide: Hector, please. I am sure Lou has tried to reach out to us. [looks at Lou and is much softer.] I am sorry that I did not see, I-- I want to. I do, I want to know when you're hurting.

Hector: As do I-- of course I do, I am sorry if I ever gave you an impression otherwise, but-- I live in Paris, I cannot-- I need you to talk to me.

Toulouse: [shifts] Toulouse: I...do not talk to...anyone. And I didn't--you wouldn't've seen, Maman. I didn't want anyone to. [looks up at her]. I stopped taking my medicine, and no one knew. I--ruined Sophie's shoppe. I was--so awful to you. [shakes head and looks down again, teary]

Adelaide: Oh, Toulouse. [puts her hand over his own and squeezes] I'm so sorry I did not see. I thought-- I was trying to give you space, I didn't know what you needed.

Hector: [is just frowning]

Toulouse: [shrugs a little] I pushed you away on purpose.

Adelaide: But I should have know better. [voice cracks, lifts her hand to wipe at her tears.]

Toulouse: Why would you have? I have never tried to kill myself before. [laughs humorlessly]

Adelaide: Because I am your mother, and I should know these things. I should know how to help you. [is not laughing, is crying :C]

Toulouse: Maman [voice cracks] it is not that--it is not that simple.

Adelaide: Still, I have failed you Toulouse [wipes at eyes, but is still just cRying] We have failed you, I am so so sorry

Rivera: No one has failed anyone. Lou is sick. It will take a group effort, in the future, to keep something like this from happening again. Blame cannot be put on anyone for--

Toulouse: Toulouse: That is not accurate. I am to blame. I'm sorry Maman, Pere. I didn't--I don't want to be this way. [finally is cryin a little himself]

Hector: [is even tearing up himself, but he reaches over to get tissues for Adelaide bc u know he's a man or w/e] Here, Adelaide. [passes them along] [softer] Lou, no matter what-- you are still our son, and we love you, oui? No matter which way you are or aren't, we will always be here for you and we will always love you.

Adelaide: [is dabbing her eyes and trying not 2 blubber bc it is unladylike] Adelaide: Oui, oui. [after cleaning herself up a bit.] We just-- we want you to try, Lou, that is all.

Toulouse: I know. Toulouse: I want to--try, too. I don't...want--[voice cracks again]--to die.

Hector: We don't want you to die either. We would be devastated.

Adelaide: [nods] Oui. I just, I want you to be okay, mon amor. [pets his hair again]

Toulouse: I know, I know. [leans against his mommy bc he just wants to curl up in her lap] I'm sorry.

~*~*~*~ five minutes later after everyone has stopped crying ~*~*~*~*~

Rivera: Well, I'm glad that we've all reached an agreement: that we want Lou to live, and be happy. Yes?

Toulouse: [nods a lil]

Adelaide: [parents also nod]

Rivera: Now, Lou and I have been working on some of the things he is going to be doing once he is home. One of the most important things is keeping a routine and schedule and structure. After much discussion, we've decided that, while art is a wonderful creative outlet, and certainly something Lou should continue doing as long as he enjoys it, we think it is best that Lou do something a bit...more. [smiles a little] Isn't that right, Lou?

Toulouse: [nods again] Oui.

Rivera: Well, would you like to tell them what you've decided you might like to do?

Toulouse: Go back to school. [is obviously uncomf and a bit nervous]

Rivera: To do..?

Toulouse: Oh, uhm, yes--[rubs palms on his thighs]--uhm...medical school, perhaps. [is finding the wall behind Rivera's head v interesting.]

Adelaide: Medical school? [blinks, is mostly surprised]

Hector: [is also surprised] Oh, well-- that is a wonderful career path, Toulouse, of course we would be happy to support you

Adelaide: Oh-- y-yes, of-- of course, my darling, I just-- I had no idea you found such things appealing

Toulouse: Neither did I, really. [tugs on the front of his hair]

Adelaide: Well, if it is what you want. [smiles and squeezes his leg]

Toulouse: I think...so. I am not entirely...certain.

Adelaide: Ah, well, even if you are not-- you can always try something else. I just want you to be happy and follow your passions as I have been lucky to follow my own. If that is to be a doctor, then you shall be a very handsome, very talented doctor. [beams]

Hector: [nods] You needn't worry about money or any of that. You can take your time if need be.

Toulouse: [after like probably a minute of silence] Toulouse: Thank you. I--appreciate that. Your...support.

Adelaide: [nods] Of course. You always have it, Lou. I know-- you probably...think that I am sad, because I love your art so much. But as long as you still paint when you want to, I am happy for you. [pause] And-- perhaps, a painting for Christmas, oui? For your mother?

Toulouse: Oui, Maman. [kisses her cheek] For you.