Fucking lowest of the low right now
I said to myself that I wouldn't let it get to me if I didn't get the position. I said that I would be fine and I have a plan and that in the end I wouldn't have to deal with the bullshit after a few weeks.
So why do I feel this low right now? Why the hell do I feel so disappointed in myself and feel like I am not here at all?
It's all screwed up how I am thinking today, I'm tired out and I feel like I have nothing at all to give anymore, I am spent. Then that just echoes over into every other part of my life where I feel like I am not even remotely performing. As a friend, I am a grumpy piece of shit that isn't worth it, I don't bring anything to the table. I have all these expectations of myself, how I should act and how I need to be as good to people as others are in their life. I feel like I am failing as an RP partner as well, I just don't measure up anymore in comparison to how I used to. I am simply useless, my writing is trash and I may as well be replaced.
This is how I honestly feel and it hurts so damn much. Because I really shouldn't think this way, I know none of it is true yet here I am with this melting pot of absoutely ridiculous emotion that I swore never to feel and yet boom... It hits me like a steam train.
This is just garbled rubbish and I am sorry for it every one.
