it's like
almost everyone i know either is suffering with shit, has suffered with shit or is going through a really shitty time
and i hate that they're either going through that or have gone through that like if i could wave a fucking magical wand and stop it from ever happening i would because even though it might be a learning experience no one deserves to go through anything like that
and i'm trying so fucking hard to be nice and to help everyone but i can't seem to like, stop myself from over-worrying and then i end up in a big pile of shit because i worry so much i give myself multiple panic attacks and then i end up hating myself because panic attacks make me feel so attention seeking, especially when there's people around, but i can only hold so many in??
and it's like all i want to do is help but every single time i get too involved and i care too much and i can't do it anymore and it's not like i can just seperate myself from everyone so i have no one to worry about,because while being incredibly selfish, it's also extremely hard and i can't say to someone "hey, can we just not talk about how shitty life is for once today, you know, so i can actually be happy for once" because that's selfish and wrong and i want to help not make someone feel like shit and i just want to disappear for a little while not too long but at the same time like with the amount of shit going on in everyone else's lives they wouldn't notice i went, nor would they care
like i just can't do this anymore i can't fucking do anything anymore i can't tell people my problems because then i feel like i'm dumping shit ontop of their shit
i just don't know what to do
because i can't tell someone to stop because i'm having a shit day
i can't disappear
i can't do fucking anything i just have to carry on pretend like everything's ok but it's not it's so not
and it's not like i can tell my therapist this, because god knows she doesn't listen
so i have to go on, i have to act like i'm getting better
i have to act like i'm not going to burst out into tears when i'm alone,
i have to act like i have to pee when really i'm starting to have a panic attack and i don't want to feel like an attention seeker
i have too act like it's ok and i can't do it i can't fucking do anything and i hate myself for it
i wish i didn't exist everyone would be so much better off