Another pattern I've identified in myself is fear of rejection.
This seems to be common with other creatures. Which makes me feel a bit less alone, but not that much better about experiencing it.
Since I was really young, I remember trying to befriend humans. I would try asking new people things or just start talking with them out of the blue, since I didn't know how else to connect.
The outcome of most of my interactions was rejection. This would come in different forms.
As a young child, I met harsh rejection from my peers. They were honest and direct. If they didn't want anything to do with me or if they thought I was weird, boring, or simply felt awkward and didn't want to deal with it, they would say it. Sometimes in the most hurtful ways.
After my family showed me so much love and interest in playing with me, I couldn't understand why it was so hard with others.
As I grew older, I met soft rejection. People were more cautious about their reactions to being uncomfortable or wanting to pull away from that interaction.
That coldness and apathy were eerie. It almost made me miss harsh rejection.
At the end of the day, it's not personal; nothing is. This doesn't quite erase the hurt from those memories, but it lessens the impact rejection has on new interactions.
I can't blame them either, since I also don't have the heart to reject someone directly in a social environment in similar circumstances. I wish we could be more honest about things. I'm not sure if it would make people feel better. I don't think you can force a genuine connection either.
Now, I understand that if you want a specific "outcome," you have to do certain "things". Things that turn these interactions into performances.
I'm fond of a particular connection memory.
I went directly to a small group and said, "Hi, I'm new. Can I play with you guys?" They said yes and we played together in a pool.
That was the same day I almost slipped out of a water slide and cracked my skull open. Luckily, my foot got stuck on one of the steps and I was left hanging upside down.
I don't intend to play the victim card. I've had great friendships and interactions with people. I'm not sure if I've received more rejections than usual. It sometimes feels this way because when I try to be genuine and stop performing for them, I find rejection and its many faces peeking through again.
They say practice makes perfect. I believe it. It has reached a point where I can express and do things that my younger self would have shit his pants even thinking about it.
Even if I perceive people "reject" me, it's ok. I have to let them be themselves and me myself. I will surely find people I can connect with without needing to perform.
