~ If the World was Ending ~
Pairing: lee felix x gn!reader
Genre: angst, fluff
Summary: you had broken up with felix a year ago suddenly, telling him you wanted to focus on your career and so should he. a year later, he’s still trying to find a new normal after being numb to the world. he’s so numb in fact he doesn’t feel the earthquake that ripped through the city. he only notices when you message him for the first time in months.
Warning(s): mentions of alcohol and drinking (drink responsibly)
Words: 3k
A/N: hello! so this is my first fanfic that i’m posting on here now that i have a new tumblr dedicated solely to kpop. i’ll be posting a lot on here hopefully and currently my requests are open! this wasn’t proofread so if anyone wants to send me any edits about grammar, spelling, punctuation etc. feel free to! i wrote this based on felix singing “if the world was ending” during the chicago show of the maniac tour, his voice was heavenly and this idea popped into my head.
I was distracted and in traffic. I didn’t feel it when the earthquake happened.
Felix was on his way back to the dorm when the ground started to shake underneath the company car. Apparently it was significant enough to cause all the traffic on the road to slow down to a slow pause, all the tail lights lighting up in an angry red at the sudden disruption. Felix wasn’t really paying attention, music blaring in his headphones while his mind was lost in thought. He found himself doing that a lot lately; getting so lost in thought that the world disappeared around him and he blocked out reality.
It wasn’t until one of his bandmates hit his shoulder did he snap back to the waking world. He pulled out his earbuds and looked back at Lee Know whose eyebrows were furrowed up. “What?”
“Did you not feel that?” The oldest member in the car asked, seeing the confusion on his face. When the Australian shakes his head, he continues, “There was a massive earthquake that happened just now.”
“When we get back to the dorm,” Their manager starts, driving the car and starting to pull ahead. “If there’s any aftershock, meet in the lounge.”
The man nods, then slowly puts his headphones back in and hears the notification sound rip through his music.
y/n: did you feel that?
It’s been a year now. Think I’ve figured out how, how to let you go and let communication die out.
Felix wasn’t exactly expecting you to message him just then. It had been quite a while, close to four months since he last heard from you. You two had dated for quite a while and things were going well for you two. But a year ago, the relationship ended and you two went your separate ways. It wasn’t a bad break up, per se, but it still hurt for you both nonetheless.
You were friends beforehand and you somewhat stayed friends afterwards, though things weren’t the same as they were before. They never are. When the relationship ended, you two continued to talk for a while, still depending on each other for things and support even though it hurt him to see you. So he started to filter himself out of your life. Trying to get him to heal from the sudden absence of you, he started to distance himself. He would take longer to respond to you, he would lie and tell you he’s busy, he would avoid the places he knows you frequent even if he’s the one who introduced you to those places first.
Now that it had been a year since the breakup, he found things are simultaneously easier and harder. It was easier to stop himself from messaging you but he couldn’t bring himself to delete any of your messages. It was easier to fall asleep when he didn’t think about you, but on the nights he craved your existence it felt like burning agony. Felix could find other things to smile about, yet he would always want to share those things with you.
I know you know we know you weren’t down for forever and it’s fine. I know you know we know we weren’t made for each other and it's fine.
From Felix’s perspective, he didn’t know how long you two would last but he had hoped it’d be a long time. You had been together for longer than any of his other relationships which gave him that hope. Then when things started to come to a head for the both of you in your lives, something changed. He didn’t know when you had gotten so serious about future plans, so he was taken aback when you had told him you felt it’d be better to go separate ways then and there.
It was a civil and intense conversation. Neither of you raised your voices, presented pros and cons of the relationship, and talked through future plans. The one thing that hurt him the most in the conversation, though, was how you had insinuated that he couldn’t guarantee what his life would be like with you the more famous he got. To him, it felt like you didn’t trust him to love you, to take care of you, to protect you. That wasn’t how you intended that statement, but it’s what he felt.
So you two broke up.
He didn’t know you were waging a war against yourself every day because of what you thought was the right choice, he didn’t know how much you wanted to be enough for him but never could be in your own eyes, he didn’t know that you blame yourself so much it had affected your whole future.
Felix: surprisingly no, but everyone else did. you okay?
It didn’t take Felix long to see another response from you, and his heart twisted roughly in his chest.
y/n: not really…can I come over?
But if the world was ending you’d come over, right?
His heart rate quickened at your question, knowing what his gut and what his head said are two very different things. He didn’t know if you were just waiting for a reason to message him or had forgotten about him until now. He decided to swallow down his resolve and message you back.
Felix: yeah, I’ll be back to the dorm in about ten
I tried to imagine your reaction. It didn’t scare me when the earthquake happened.
When you saw the message from Felix, you decided to wipe your mascara tear stained eyes and get yourself around. You hadn’t been scared from the earthquake that you felt. You had already been drinking for about two hours and were emotionally drained and wrecked. If anything, the earthquake shook you back into reality. You were jolted out of your spiraling thoughts by the sudden shaking of your apartment. Some of your photo frames fell from the walls. One of your ceramic figures fell from your shelf and is now sitting in 3 pieces on the hardwood floor. The cup of last night’s tea you had left on the corner of the coffee table is now spilled on the floor. Your apartment was an accurate representation of how you felt. Discombobulated. Broken. Disastrous.
You didn’t expect Felix to answer you at all. You weren’t stupid, you knew he had distanced himself from you. You knew he was building a wall between you two. So you could only imagine his reaction to the intense shaking. But his reaction told you more than he actually did. So you pick yourself up and stumble around to grab your things.
But it really got me thinking, the night we went drinking, stumbled in the house and didn’t make it past the kitchen.
When you were with Felix, things were great. You had anything you could ever want: a loving, kind, generous, well mannered man who would do anything to make sure you had everything and more, even if you didn’t ask for it. In your eyes, he was perfect. He would listen to you on your bad days and offer you advice or just someone to complain to. He would treat you to the pastries he bought on his way to your place to surprise you. He would tell you every day, sun up and sun down, that he loved you.
When you would go to secret bars and drink, disguising his identity to ensure your privacy, the best conversations would happen. How do bees smell when they don’t have noses? What hair color should he try next? Would an octopus wear eight shoes, eight gloves, or four shoes and four gloves? Those conversations always left you two laughing unapologetically.
And when you returned to your place, you would barely make it to your living room before he would tackle you and pepper your lips in kisses. Behind closed doors, Felix was the most affectionate man you had ever met. He couldn’t get enough of you. He had to be touching you, holding you, kissing you. So he would fall back on the couch with you, holding you securely in his arms as he praised you and worshiped you. Everything felt perfect.
It’s been a year now, think I’ve figured out how, how to think about you without it ripping my heart out.
You knew it was your fault. You knew it was your own insecurity that led to you breaking up with him. But he was a champ when you explained your reasoning. You had told him about how you were supposed to be moving up in your work, up to essentially the director position of your branch. You would need to move when that happened, away from him. You told him with the success of his recent tour, he would only get bigger and bigger and it would be harder to hide your relationship from the public eye. You said you both deserved more than to deny each other’s existence, especially when distance will separate you even further than you already were. And that was true.
What you didn’t tell him was that you were afraid. You were afraid to lose him. You were terrified that with not being there anymore, he would find someone much better than you and leave you. You wouldn’t blame him, there are many other people out there who had a lot to offer him that you couldn’t. So you let it eat away at you, him never knowing your true feelings about that.
You hated yourself and your insecurities for drowning out your sense of logic. Logically, you knew Felix would love you no matter what. But deep down you felt like you didn’t deserve it. You would think of who would be better for him and that list only grew as time went on. Your little shred of hope was still there when you kept in touch with him, hoping he would tell you how much he missed you and wanted to get back together. Pitiful thinking, you knew, so you stopped thinking. You didn’t think about him. You didn’t think about yourself. You drowned out every thought you could with work and alcohol at times. It was the only thing that prevented your heart from tearing itself apart.
I know you know we know you weren’t down for forever and it’s fine. I know you know we know we weren’t made for each other and it's fine.
You were simultaneously shocked but also expectant of how Felix reacted. He was surprised at your sudden proclamation of wanting to break up, told you the reasons he didn’t want to, but eventually conceded to what you wanted. He agreed with you that the future was uncertain, that he didn’t know what the future had in store for you two. He didn’t know how hard it would be to keep your relationship blossoming.
What hurt you, which logically shouldn’t have, was how little he fought to keep you two together. You knew Felix, he would do whatever you wanted. So if you wanted to break up, he wouldn’t trap you in the relationship forever. But he wasn’t overly emotional about the breakup. He told you that it was okay, that he understood, and wanted what’s best for you. He didn’t push on you that he was the best thing for you and vice versa, he didn’t plead to make a schedule of regular times you can meet or facetime to make sure the spark was kept alive, he didn’t tell you not to worry about the future and focus on the now.
So you broke up.
You didn’t know he cried himself to sleep for two weeks straight after the breakup, you didn’t know how much he beat himself up for not being selfish and telling you he wanted you forever, you didn’t know he regretted everything he might have said to make you believe you didn’t have a future together.
But if the world was ending you’d come over, right?
You had called an Uber to take you to the corner store, still very intoxicated and in no condition to drive. The air was chilly and you had on the only thing Felix didn’t ask back from you: the sweatshirt you wore when you came home from work until it stopped smelling like him. You stumbled from the store down the block to the dorm. You still remembered the combination to get into the building, burned in your memory from all the times you had come over.
You went into the elevator and your vision blurred, from the tears or the alcohol you couldn’t tell. So when it gently stopped on his floor, you wiped your eyes and walked out to find his front door. Being face to face with the dark oak was overwhelming but there was no way you could sprint out of there in the condition you were in. So you knocked.
It didn’t take more than two seconds for him to open it and be face to face with you. He still looked as gorgeous as ever, bare face and precious freckles adorning his cheeks. His face fell when he saw the state you were in and that is what ruined you. You never wanted to see him so concerned for you. His arms quickly pulled you into his chest and he held you tight as you started sobbing into him. Your arms wrapped around his neck while he clutched you around your waist. You couldn’t control your sobbing as he picked you up and took you to his room and closed the door behind him. As he sat on the bed, he could hear you mumble one thing,
“My whole world is ending and falling apart.”
Would you love me for the hell of it? All our fears would be irrelevant.
Felix gave you the time to cry it out before he said anything. He waited until your sobs were down to sniffles, when your body swayed slightly instead of shaking. He listened to you as you told him everything that happened. You told him how your future was fucked. You lost the one man you loved with all your heart. Your promotion was ripped from you because of your poor performance in those final months. You had to beg your landlord to let you stay in the apartment that was already being leased to someone else. You knew exactly where you fucked up and it was all because you broke up with him. You told him your insecurities you felt and still feel. You told him how you were wrong, so very fucking wrong.
You sit there, wiping your eyes for the millionth time, looking at his chest. “I never stopped lovin’ you, ‘nd I don’ expect you to take me back, I wouldn’ take me back bein’ like this either.”
Felix rests one of his hands against your cheek, feeling how warm it is. He notices just how much you pent up, evident in your tears still falling after an hour of you being here plus however long you were crying for before you came over. His heart breaks seeing you like this, how you both made dumb decisions and are paying the price.
“I wanna go back to that day ‘nd tell myself how stupid I am for lettin’ you go.” You mumble, eyes closing as you press yourself further into his palm.
“Hey,” He gently scolds you while his own tears well up in his eyes. “You’re not stupid, alright? I’m sorry that I made you feel insecure. It was my job as your boyfriend to make sure you were loved and cared for and knew how amazing you are. And I didn’t do my job.”
“Felix…” Your hand rests on his wrist, seeing the water flow down his cheeks.
“I’m not afraid to admit I was wrong, too. I should’ve fought harder.”
No, there wouldn’t be a reason why we would even have to say goodbye.
You smile at him lightly. Your arms wrap around his this time, giving him comfort at how both of you fucked up. His breath is hot against your neck, burning his face into you. This is the most comfort both of you have felt in that year of turbulence, navigating life without each other. You don’t have to think about the future right now. You can focus on each other, being together, sharing what’s been troubling you for the past year.
That night was the most refreshing night you’ve had in a while. You didn’t let each other go as you sobered up and listened to him, as he rubbed your back while you talked. There was no problem solving for you two; you both knew you couldn’t do that tonight. Whatever you two had to work through had to be saved for a later date when you had the mental fortitude to have that kind of conversation. But one thing Felix said returned that spark of hope you had,
“I don’t want to say goodbye.”
I know you know we know you weren’t down for forever and it’s fine. I know you know we know we weren’t made for each other and it's fine.
No, you and Felix weren’t meant for each other. You knew that from the start. You could see the flaws in him and he could see the flaws in you. You both had topics you would disagree on. Even at the peak of your relationship, you two argued. It was what you learned and what happened afterwards is what built you to be for each other.
You both learned that every opinion, thought, idea, and stance was multifaceted. You didn’t only have to see one side. Not everyone reacts the same way to situations. There was much more to love than finding someone attractive and enjoying their company. It was the intrigue of the multifaceted, the balance of stability and spontaneity, the reassurance and acts of being appreciated, the way you were around that person and how they made you feel, the growing separate but together, the growing together in the relationship. Being apart for that year made the both of you realize what exactly your love was lacking and that it’s not the end. There’s still room to improve.
You weren’t made for each other, but you could make yourself better for each other.
If the world was ending, you’d come over, right?