#felix clay

[quotatiousquotations]

How can you, as an adult, seriously contemplate outrunning your own fart on the street?

Felix Clay, in 4 Problems With Men's Dress Clothes Nobody Talks About | Cracked.com

[cracked]

Norway is busy trying to think of novel ways to explain the merits of safer sex. One of these methods, and let's just say something was lost in translation, involved a giant cock costume that spooges confetti on innocent bystanders.

7 Safe Sex Campaigns That Backfired Hilariously

[feefeethephoenix]

You'll notice I'm taking a lot of liberties with things I know nothing about these days, and it's because I'm chock-a-block with pluck and aplomb that comes from my superlative powers of deduction.

Felix Clay, cracked.com article

[cracked]

Here's some nerd trivia for you -- in the Green Lantern comics, if you're not aware, the Lanterns actually cover the entire color spectrum. If you endured the terrible movie, you know Yellow Lanterns exist and power their rings with fear. But there are also sinister Red Lanterns, zombie Black Lanterns, kind of lame Indigo Lanterns, and so on. And by his damn self in the universe is Larfleeze, the tusked space donkey that is the Orange Lantern, whose powers are based on greed. I hope I made it sound suitably ridiculous.

Like greedy Larfleeze, there are a few tragically misguided sexual misanthropes out there who will try to steal your soul with a cosmically powered ring. But there are even more of them who will just kind of use you as a giant, human Fleshlight. And trust that this is not a problem exclusive to one sex, as it seems humpological avarice crosses gender boundaries with ease.

6 Worst Kinds Of Sex Partners

[cracked]

Do you know why humans hate? Why we have the capacity to hate things? Lunch. Lunch in an office is why we hate. We as a species developed this destructive, dark emotion generations ago, probably even in our proto-human, simian form. And it was all leading us towards the day when we would be working in an office and noon would roll around, then we'd head to the lunch room, open the fridge, and see that some fucksack of pig puke had stolen our goddamn sandwich and pudding and we had no lunch that day. And the hate that started to fill your empty belly had purpose and direction. Your hate will drive you to exact some kind of revenge upon the shitheel lunch thief. A revenge that would be sweeter than any lunch.

4 Things People Get Away With at Work (And Nowhere Else)

[cracked]

Make no mistake -- as a species, we take the things we have for granted. That's why it's readily acknowledged that any relationship has a sort of honeymoon phase where everything is new and exciting, but then fast-forward 15 years and you have Bundy-esque relationships where everything is stale and bitter. That's not true for everyone, but we all let things lapse, and the newness can never last forever, so we grow accustomed to this person we love. They become a stable part of our routine, and we maybe don't have all the reasons we love them present and available in our minds all the time. It's a disservice to ourselves, them, and the notion that we love them at all, but it's often unavoidable.

Think of your relationship like a delicious steak, perfectly grilled and served up with a beer. Vegans, you can substitute the steak for gentle weeping or whatever you do at barbecues. It's nice, right? You like it. What if you could have it again tomorrow? Fuck yeah, you say. Hell. Have it the day after, too. Fast-forward five years and you're going to hate that steak if you haven't had anything else in the interim. Which doesn't mean you should have an affair -- it means you should do things differently. Keep it fresh. Put in the effort!

4 Unpleasant Things Nobody Tells You About Being in Love

[cracked]

Poofume, a name that gets less and less clever every time you hear it, is a spray you use before laying out a deuce. You take this stuff into the bathroom and you spray it in your toilet so it coats the top of the water. It just lays there on your turd-bowl meniscus, vaguely citrusy and oily, and waits for a dook to crest the horizon. Your dook. Your dook that smells so bad that you preplanned a way to make it smell better. Because apparently Poofume creates some kind of impenetrable force field of anti-stink that keeps turd gasses from escaping the bowl, for however many seconds or minutes you plan on leaving that turd to stew.

The Single Most Useless 'As Seen On TV' Product Ever

[cracked]

“If It Doesn't Get All Over the Place, It Doesn't Belong in Your Face.” This is an older one from Carl's Jr., but it's always had a special spot in my heart for being awful. It's a weird mix of ungraceful, sexual, and unsanitary, plus the implication that it's terribly unhealthy and that you may be a completely uncoordinated moron. … guess the first thing to acknowledge is that it doesn't need to get all over the place, no matter what it is. I don't want my food everywhere and neither does anyone else who isn't a literal pig, or an excitably non-self-aware toddler. I don't want people to see me eating and offer their sympathies to the people who are with me. This entire slogan seems to be directed at those who could be most easily described as "burdens" by their caretakers. Yes, my brother has the mind of a chimp, but he loves Carl's Jr., so every third Friday we unlock his shackles, pull him out of the root cellar, and take him out for a burger. Later we have to use the hose to get him downstairs again, but we think he secretly enjoys it.

7 Shockingly Bad Slogans Major Corporations Went With