#femaleness

[paperbacksunday]

What a woman you are! I laugh to myself now when I think of you - I have no fear of your femaleness. And that you burned.

— Anaïs Nin, Henry and June: From the Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin

[beyond-mogai-pride-flags]

Woman NonWoman Pride Flag

Woman Non-Woman (nonwoman woman, nongirl girl or female nonfemale): someone who is woman and nonwoman.

There are multiple reasons why someone could be both woman and nonwoman: having a genderness that is both female and non-female; experiencing womanhood simultaneously with its nongender or being fluid between both; xirls, girlbies, fembies, gxrls; centrigender; people with complex genders or "contradictory identities"; women feeling represented by the term "non-women"/nonwomen, etc.

[teanicolae]

Barbie Mini-Review: Sweet yet an Encapsulation of the Deficiencies of Pop-Feminism

Sweet, energetic, and entertaining, Greta Gerwig’s Barbie is a delightfully camp blockbuster that I thoroughly enjoyed. The cinematography is excellent, the colour palette is perfect, and the actors are a treat. However, I did find its feminist thesis to be lacking. Although I acknowledge that the film is in itself a comedy which does not aim to solve social justice and functions primarily as entertainment, it still does construct a social, feminist commentary, which is why I found it fitting to utilise as a stimulus for analysing the deficiencies of pop-feminism culturally, as well as within myself.

Barbie offers its female characters the space and opportunity to muse on their condition and on the pains of being a woman, such as the contradictions of having to be extraordinary (attractive, successful, loving, kind, assertive) and yet contained, the ideal being achieving or conforming to a personal excellence that concomitantly is appeasing, controllable and tameable; yet never too much — not too powerful, nor too intimidating or destabilising. A message of: Shine, but do not shine too much.

In my personal journey, I have recently been reflecting on my self-punishing tendencies and on my self-images of having to always be kind, never angered or envious, and, while watching Barbie, I was moved listening to the monologues of the female characters, and saw more clearly how much of my own ruptures in my identity are the legacy of having been conditioned and socialised as female growing up.

“I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie ourselves into knots so that people will like us.” America Ferrera as Gloria in Barbie.

The human condition is such that we all are continuously split and stretched within between who we think we should be and who we truly are. We perpetually hide, repress, contort, and harm ourselves to mould into ideals and images which we innocently construct by absorbing various messages from society, culture, history. The Barbies are given the chance to see through the mirage of constriction, the Kens are not (which, in part, saddened me), however, neither fully glimpse through into the ultimate bondage: that of the gendered self.

To successfully break through the suffering caused by female conditioning, a deconstruction of the very concept of femaleness as a rigid reality must ultimately occur — along with a deep dive into gender as a construct, both which are unfortunately glossed over in Barbie, and, on a greater scale, in pop-feminism. In my understanding, complete liberation cannot be achieved while still operating in the gender binary, which is to be dismantled within in order to open to freedom from all self-images, internal conflicts and constrictions.

Barbie both delighted me with its vibrancy, playfulness and beauty, and also reminded me that, as a woman myself, I must push through myself more for my liberation.

My arguments are based on the work of feminist philosophers such as Simone de Beauvoir (see: The Second Sex), as well as on the precepts of non-dual ‘Eastern’ philosophy.

[biblicalwomanhood]

the idea that saying women are female is objectifying women ONLY works if you view the female body as an object, so the only way to de-objectify yourself is to deny your femaleness. women are female. females are women. this is good. this is holy. this is right. this is human.

[ariainstars]

Thanks, But I Won’t Watch Cinderella

Brace yourself. Time for another of my unpopular elaborations.

Having heard and read so much about the 2015 Cinderella live action version, these days I was considering to finally watch it.

It started with the trailer. Then, getting irritated, I read up the plot. And dropped the idea.

No, thank you. Modern day Cinderella is not for me.

  Interpretations based on the classic Grimm’s tale

The fairy tale is set in Europe, presumably in the late 18th or early 19th century.

1. Cinderella Isn’t About „From Rags to Riches”.

The irony is that Cinderella is often interpreted as a story of a girl who marries above her station, with all the happiness or unhappiness that might entail. But it’s the exact contrary: it’s about not forgetting who you are.

Cinderella does not come from a poor or humble background; she is not “a simply country girl” as is claimed in this movie. Though not noble, she is a girl from a good family and obviously well-educated: it shows when, going to the ball, she clearly knows how to behave, talk and dance. This is not to be underestimated: education and manners could make a heap of difference in her times. A court ball is not to be compared to a prom night.

I assume Cinderella isn’t of age yet: at the time you only were emancipated when you turned 21. This presupposes that she is inherently dependent from her family. A girl from that period cannot take up a job or study, nor can she run away; and having neither money nor learned a trade, even after running away all that she could do would be prostituting herself. She could take up some menial work of course, but not being under the protection of a family would make her fair game in the eyes of most men. Losing her father is not only a personal loss for Cinderella, it deprives her of any kind of safety. Her stepmother has full command over her.

2. What Makes Her Special Then?

Like very many, if not most, classic fairy tales, Cinderella is a veiled message about sexuality.

Though forced to leave her natural level and live a life that is way below her standard, Cinderella never forgets who she is. In her heart, she always is her father’s daughter. She dreams of a better life knowing that she has a right on it. Her self-esteem is high, and that is not the same as pride or arrogance. Even though forced into a menial life, she never loses her contenance; despite the injustice of her situation, we never hear her complain. Hard work and humiliation cannot make her forget what she knows is her birthright. When the ball is announced, she naturally assumes she can take part. She simply wants to spend an evening at a dance, like other girls.

The prince does not know who Cinderella is. Though he is obviously smitten with her, he does not ask for her hand because he would have to ask her legal guardian first. But she neither gives him her name nor direction because if she did, even if he actually came to get her at her stepmother’s house, this would not answer her most important requirement for marrying him: whether he cares for her as herself or not.

The Perrault version of the fairy tale unfortunately waters one very important aspect down: the Grimm version makes it amply clear that Cinderella does not need to run at midnight. She runs out of female modesty, because she does not know the prince’s intentions - for all she knows, he might as well want her to be his mistress. Only when he searches for her all over the country, with nothing but her lost shoe as a clue, she understands that his intentions are serious. (This adds another sexual undertone: female ankles were seen as very erotic and a woman’s shoe was therefore something intimate.)

Although she seems passive, Cinderella is fully aware of the only thing she can do: she makes full use of her female right to say no. This “no” is more powerful than the mistreatment by her stepfamily and the intentions of a man whom she doesn’t know well. She does not automatically assume that he’s a good guy because he has power and wealth and can offer her status; Cinderella puts him to the test in the only way she can, staying in hiding and waiting for him to look for her although it’s an arduous task. His tenacity proves to her that he is a worthy man, who does not merely see her as a fling.

Cinderella is a self-respecting girl. She may have lost everything, but not her dignity. She knows what she, as a woman, is worth, even if she has no money and no social status. She does not fling her body and / or her heart at the first man she gets to know, although even if he would only make her his mistress, this would give her the chance to escape her miserable life at her stepmother’s house. No, she wants the man to take her seriously and to make her his equal partner. When she marries him, she returns to the social status that was hers before her father’s death: a girl from a good home.

We can assume that Cinderella’s stepmother and sisters are from a similar social background, because her father wouldn’t have married below him (he was self-respecting but had no title of nobility, so there were not many social steps left to climb down for him); and in the Grimm version, they are not ugly. What they envy Cinderella for is the refined, ladylike attitude they lack. Whatever they do to her or to themselves (the Grimm version is rather gore at one point), they can’t reach her level. The prince knows well why he wants one particular girl, and that’s not because she piques him by running away: he quickly recognizes her quality and wants to keep her by his side, knowing what befits not only him as a person but also his realm.

In her heart, Cinderella always is a princess. Nobility and authenticity always are her trademark, even when she has to scrub floors and sleep in the warm ashes from the hearth.

3. Cinderella Does Not Go to the Ball Looking For a Man.

Though it is hinted at that the ball was arranged for the prince to find a wife, it is never implied that Cinderella wants to use her chance to meeting and possibly conquering him (whether she already met him beforehand or not). She simply wants to go dancing for one evening. She does not imagine that this one evening might change her life forever. One of her trademarks is modesty. She is neither scheming nor proud. 

Contemporary readers or watchers often criticize that she needs a man to be happy; that isn’t true. She could as well be happy in her birth home, if her stepmother was a good woman. Cinderella is not about hypergamy or gold-digging. Marrying the prince reinstates her into her natural social place which was taken from her through no fault of her own. Her partner chooses her for her personal quality, not for her beauty or mysteriousness. 

4. No Spell Was Necessary to Make Cinderella Unrecognizable...

…which was deliberate. Her stepfamily had branded her as an obstacle. They treated her with contempt because not having self-esteem the way she did, they wanted a scapegoat to look down upon in order to feel better. It is important to realize that this was what Cinderella was in their eyes. When she appears at the ball in her new attire, Cinderella shows herself and the world who she truly is. Her stepfamily doesn’t realize it because to them, she is still hidden in the kitchen, unworthy even to be seen. 

Cinderella’s stepfamily was not aware of her fairy godmother. They did not assume that anyone would help her, they mistreated her assuming that she was alone in the world. So, they would not have imagined her coming to the ball in the first place, since from their perspective she had no way to get there except if they brought her along. 

You can rest assured that Cinderella did not wear her hair loose but pinned up in one way or another. This, together with her clean face (her stepfamily only saw it stained by dirt) changed her looks a lot. A girl of that time would never have worn her hair loose in public. Female hair, since the body was largely covered, was very appealing to men, which was why most females would hide it beneath a cap or at least pin it up. None would have had it cut, except if she had a sickness which required it, e.g. typhus. Only the husband was supposed to see his wife’s hair unbound, exception made perhaps for her closest male family members like brothers or sons.

5. Have Courage and Be Kind. Really?

The words that help 2015’s Cinderella through her harsh fate, as suggested by her mother, are: „Where there is kindness there is goodness, where there is goodness there is magic.”

I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with kindness. But the idea that goodness and kindness are automatically linked to one another makes me cringe.

Most people are kind. People are educated to be kind. Who doesn’t, usually realizes that he can reach his goals better with kindness. Few people are rude to your face.

I have lost count of the people I knew who seemed the kindest souls and, years or sometimes entire decades later, turned out to be vicious, manipulating and false. The last time I had fallen into the trap I was over forty. I hope I will be wiser in future. I would rather know people who have a warm heart under a gruff exterior: mere kindness means absolutely nothing. Sometimes, a harsh truth can be much more valuable.

Cinderella’s mother may mean well, but her advice is naïve at best. One of the hardest, but most important lessons I made in my life was: kind is different than good. I wouldn’t want to know how many people on this planet are falling into the trap of awful people daily, because they wear a kind disguise. If I had a daughter, I would rather advise her to look out for wolves in sheep’s clothing. Actions make a person good, not sweet words. Kindness can be an attitude, yes; it can also be merely a behavior.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, what’s the bottom line of this movie? Be always good to everybody, whether they deserve it or not, and life will reward you with marriage to a guy you hardly know but who adores you and, last but not least, is rich?

This movie may be nice to watch but I find its messages beside the point and embarrassing. And, if young girls believe in them, downright dangerous. Fairy tales of old, the way you can find them printed in books, may not be as romantic as Disney versions, but they are a whole lot better when it comes to preparing you for real life.

Patriarchy is frowned upon nowadays as the quintessence of female suppression; this overlooks the role and the importance of the father. In patriarchy, a good man is expected to care for wife and children. Being a responsible man, Cinderella’s widowed father remarried with a woman who already had children. Women can be very good at hiding their own agendas, unfortunately. Cinderella’s stepmother is her exact opposite because she is proud and devious: the reason why they clash is that both are perfectly convinced that their own attitude is right. Though Cinderella does everything she is told, in her heart she never changes. She is compliant not out of meekness but because as a girl from a good family she was taught to obey their elders; but she never doubts that she deserves better.

Cinderella’s attitude was formed by having been treated like a little lady by her father from young age, and thus she expected to be treated with the same respect by her future husband. It is unfortunate that the role of the prince, the man who sought for her all over the country, is usually downplayed and that his choice is usually interpreted as wanting Cinderella for her beauty, or her goodness. Many girls are beautiful and good. Not all have an attitude which is befitting for a future queen, and not all men recognize it.

The attitude we are supposed we have today, in our mainly capitalistic society, is that it’s either fu**ing or getting fu**ed. Cinderella’s story tells us that no matter the circumstances, a woman always has the option of saying “no”; or to say “yes” only on her own terms. And this is what true female strength is to me, much more than, as it is portrayed in many a TV show or film nowadays, the capacity to yield this or another weapon and fight or kill people “just like a man”. 

P.S. I’ve heard that there is a new Cinderella movie in the pipelines which will end with the protagonist not marrying the prince, because a “strong woman” doesn’t need a man. (My, are we woke.) I guess she will be riding into the sunset alone, bareback and butt-naked. Not that I mind someone riding bareback and naked. But I would be more interested in a version based upon what this story actually is about.

P.P.S. Kenneth Branagh and Chris Weitz are men; I suppose they do not know much about what this fairy tale is about - the importance and power of female modesty. (Unfortunately since the advent of feminism, it is no longer understood by many women either.)

[labelleizzy]

feminine/female

I have lost the habit of performative femininity. This occasionally presents me with problems.

also the difference between being girly and being womanly. doing girl stuff and doing woman stuff. When I think of “to girl,” as a verb, I think of all the primping and dressing for other people’s eyes... makeup, fancy hair, manicures, like, DRESSES AND SKIRTS, and like HEELS. and I like some of that stuff some of the time but I no longer am willing to pull that shit out 24/7. 

when I think of “womaning” as a verb, I think it’s really similar to “personing” or “humaning.” but there’s connotations to “womaning” that make it harder, even, to achieve than “humaning”. there’s connotations of strength and endurance of shitty “inevitable” things that the culture MAKES women shoulder. Emotional labor. sexual abuse. power imbalances. implicit responsibility for child care and household chores.

I really need to write more about this. It’s one of the tangles in my brain, and part of why I’ve identified as a “person” more than as a “girl or woman” for most of my life, but I didn’t actually realize till about ten years ago that there were lots of people talking about this problem/issue/question, that I wasn’t alone in my wondering and thinking, resentments, assumptions, all the things.

I’m not gonna say I’m a guy, boy, man, I’m not, that’s not at all true of me. Never has been. Not trans. definitely cis. But my priority is to my own humanity and to the humanity of other people who shoulder this unacknowledged burden of assumptions of “how it should be/well that’s just how it is” which is quite frankly BS. Humanity. 

The depth of the emotional and intellectual colonization was revealed to me when I started changing how I referred to other women. If I said, she is a person. If I said “those people” instead of “those women”, i felt something in deep places go, “what?” Like one of my colonized pieces says without saying, men are people and women are not and goddamn that’s messed up.

but. we have to see what needs fixed before we can fix it. So this is me going, here’s something that I see that needs fixed, in me, and in the culture. 

this is just a super quick braindump, unedited, rambling. YMMV. But I think we all need to look at our shit and see how much we can kick to the curb or compost, change the space it takes up and how it interferes with our ability to think, feel, reason, be authentic, and live our best lives.

thanks, y’all, for listening. 

[joerojasburke]

an excellent and salutary rant from J.K. Rowling