i knew that only a few people were participating and i didn't really expect a lot of participation, but considering how it's only february and there are 33 works in the tag...that's awesome! i'm really happy.
frostbite883 asked you: I wanted you to make a prompt (story) request for me. Here's my request. Carol Danvers keep dreaming about giving a kiss from her friend, Jessica. Leading her to question why she keep having that dream, what that dream meant and more importantly..why she doesn't feel awkward about having it.
Sorry I've gotten to this so late -- I've been super busy. I actually had an idea for a similar fic for awhile back (Jess' POV, though), and since I haven't had time to write it, I combined your prompt with the story and made it a bit longer. I think it's sadder than you intended, but it ends well. I hope you like it! :) Title from Ingrid Michaelson's song. (ETA: Okay apparently that's a cover. Oh well. I like her version, too.)
This is also my February entry for Femslash Challenge 2014!
Warnings:
- Cartoonish canon-typical violence (and the dumbest bad guy ever, sorry)
- Mild sexual content
- Swearing
- Disgruntled Cat
[Read on AO3]
***
The room was dark, lit only by the rerun playing on the television and the light filtering through Carol’s window. Carol felt cocooned in the darkness, like a blanket draped over her shoulders.
“I can feel you worrying,” Jessica said, startling Carol. She looked over at Jess where she sat next to Carol on the couch.
“I’m not worrying,” Carol lied.
“You’re worrying,” Jess said softly, “don’t lie to me. You’re worried.”
“It’s my own damn fault,” Carol sighed.
“It is not your fault,” Jessica said, straightening up. She rested a hand on Carol’s shoulder. “You’re doing all you can, here.”
“I’m not sure that’s enough,” Carol replied. She looked down at her lap.
Carol finally looked up.
“You are more than enough,” Jess said. “You mean…more than you think.” She smiled softly, glancing away, as if steeling herself up to something. “To everyone. To me,” she finished, lifting an eyebrow and tilting her head to the side, asking for permission that Carol gave with the quirk of her lips.
Jessica leaned in to kiss her, and Carol –
– woke up.
Damn, Carol thought, sitting up in her bed.
She looked up and around at her new apartment, the refurbished top of the Statue of Liberty. Out the windows, she could see the skies beginning to lighten as day broke over New York. She barely remembered her old apartment; she’d barely spent any time there before she moved out. Carol closed her eyes for a moment, trying to bring the details of the dream back to her.
Meeeeeoooooorrrrr, Chewie howled from the kitchenette. Damn cat.
At least it wasn’t a nightmare, Carol mused. She swung her legs off the bed and went to feed Chewie.
*
“So,” Carol started, shooting a blast of energy at Evil Moustache Twirling Villain of the Week. It missed. Damn it.
“So,” Cap returned, glancing at her before throwing his shield at -- Magnetic? Magnificent? no, Magnifico, that was it – and knocking him off his feet. It bounced off a wall and back to his arm.
“Sew buttons on your underwear,” Hawkeye chimed in over the comm link. Carol ignored him.
“You know, before I lost my memories –“ Carol was cut off when Magnifico pulled off his hat, pulling out a –
You’ve got to be kidding me, Carol sighed mentally as he pulled the pin on a grenade shaped like a bunny rabbit and threw it at them.
“Think fast,” Cap said, catching it and pelting it at Carol, who managed to grab it and toss it up into the skies before it detonated.
“Is this guy for real?” Hawkeye asked, shooting one of his odd trick arrows and snagging Magnifico’s long purple cloak. “How the hell do you come up with bunny grenades?” he called down from his rooftop perch. Which was more helpful when the guy was actually floating around.
“A good magician never reveals his secrets,” Magnifico said in his sleazy, overdramatic fake accent.
“It’s a secret why you think you’re a good magician,” Carol snorted, flying closer to him. As lame as he was, he dodged her punches and energy blasts well enough. Carol grit her teeth and nearly growled in frustration. This is not my day.
Magnifico pulled out a pack of cards from somewhere in his cloak and fanned them open with a flick of his wrist. Before he could go Gambit on them, Cap’s shield flew out of nowhere, whooshing above Carol’s head and nailing Magnifico. His top hat went flying as he fell to the ground, unconscious.
Definitely not my day, Carol thought. She hadn’t even noticed Cap’s shield flying inches from her head.
“You alright?” Cap said as he neared them, pulling out some fancy cuffs to slap on Mediocre-ico.
“Yes,” Carol said, but it came out forced. Steve gave her a look.
“You look frustrated today,” Steve said, looking up at her as he subdued the villain. “Trouble sleeping?”
“You look like you need to get laid,” Clint said, appearing behind them with his bow held loosely. Carol turned to face him, flames licking up from her hand. Clint blanched.
“If you ever want to get laid again, you’ll apologize for that,” Carol said, raising her eyebrows.
“I surrender,” Clint said, holding up his hands and backing away. “I’m a dick, I know.”
“Good to see you’ve come to terms with that,” Steve said, hauling Magnifico to his feet. He was barely conscious now, but the magic-dampeners on his cuffs prevented him from trying anything funny. Steve shoved Magnifico in Clint’s direction. “See him off to his nice new home in jail,” he said.
With a sigh, Clint led Magnifico off, leaving Carol with Steve.
“What are you frustrated about?” Steve asked, looking sideways at her. “Is everything…fine?” he asked, his pause saying more than his words could.
I wish I knew, Carol wondered, but she shook away the thought.
“They gave me files,” she muttered, “but no one’s said. Was I…interested in someone before? Was I dating?”
Steve frowned.
“Not that I know of,” he said. “Can’t remember the last time we talked about dating. Have you tried asking Jessica?”
Carol tried her hardest not to laugh.
*
Jessica kissed her slowly, gently, like she thought she was going to break Carol, which was ridiculous.
She pulled away after too short of a moment.
“Jess,” Carol said, finding Jessica’s hand and taking it in her own. “What was that?”
“I think you can figure it out,” Jessica said, eyes shifting, stealing glances at Carol.
“You have too much faith in me,” Carol smiled, in spite of herself.
She leaned in and kissed the corner of Jessica’s mouth gently, a warning, before she kissed her again, closing her eyes tightly as she tried to hold on to the moment, feeling it slip away like sand underneath her fingertips…
“Damn it,” Carol muttered sleepily into her pillow. She grabbed it and angrily tossed it across her room, followed by an indignant YEEEEOOOORWWRR!
*
“And, as far as our schedule goes, you’re having lunch at eleven with the City Council, then Tony Stark has some Super Duper Top Secret Avengers Business at the Tower, there’s another hair appointment for you at two, you’re due to pick up Kit at the playground at three-thirty, Captain Marvel lessons until four-thirty, and then, dinner with James Rhodes at five fifteen to discuss something or other, I don’t know, I don’t speak Air Force,” Wendy Kawasaki finished without stopping for breath. Carol was beginning to think that was her superpower.
Do I ever get a break? Carol wondered.
“Great,” Carol huffed into the phone. She stared out at the ocean through the windows of her extremely patriotic apartment. “You’d think they’d let me pull the memory loss card for once.”
“I can cancel your hair appointment,” Wendy said hesitantly. Carol tugged at a lock of hair and sighed.
“No, thanks,” she said. “It’s getting long again. It grows too damn fast.”
“If you need a day off—“
“It’s okay,” Carol interrupted hastily. “Sorry, I don’t mean to complain. I’m just tired.” She ran a hand over her eyes, blocking out the bright morning light. Woman up, Danvers, she told herself.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Wendy asked, ever helpful. Carol smiled a little.
“No,” she replied. “It’s just been…one of those weeks, I guess. Thanks for the schedule update.”
“You’re welcome,” Wendy replied. “If that’s fine with you, I don’t have anything else that needs to be addressed right now. I’ll update your calendar and send you updates on that charity gala for this weekend. Black tie. You’ll need a date—“
“You wouldn’t happen to have a list of prospects, would you?” Carol joked.
Wait.
“Actually,” Carol said before Wendy could joke in turn (or give her an actual list, which she bet Steve Rogers headlined). “There is something. I can’t find anything on my calendar, but, did I have any dates scheduled with anyone, before – y’know? I’m trying to piece a few things together.” Carol swallowed, hoping she didn’t sound as pathetic as she did to her own ears.
“Not that I know of,” Wendy said apologetically. “Other than meeting for coffee or lunch with friends. Sorry. I bet Spider-Woman would know, though,” she suggested.
“Well, thanks,” Carol sighed, covering her face with a hand.
This is just not my week, she thought.
*
She kissed Jessica slowly, carefully, because even though she knew neither of them were going to break, it sure as hell felt like they might. Carol pressed closer, tangling her hands in Jess’ long black hair. Jessica deepened the kiss, pressing into Carol with sudden enthusiasm. Startled, Carol pulled on her hair a little. Jessica made a whining noise in the back of her throat, a needy little groan, then pulled back.
“God, that was embarrassing,” she said, burying her face in her hands. “How old am I? No, wait, don’t answer that. Pretend I was cool about that.”
Carol laughed, prying Jess’ hands away from her face. She took Jessica’s wrist. It went limp in her grip, and she brought it up to her mouth. Carol pressed her lips to Jess’ palm.
“You’re cool,” Carol promised her. “You’re like a cool soccer mom.”
“I hate you so much,” Jessica said, cupping Carol’s chin and swooping down to kiss her. Carol pulled her close again, dipping her fingers in the elastic waistband of Jessica’s yoga pants before sliding them up underneath her shirt, hands skating over the smooth planes of Jessica’s stomach…
Carol woke up with her sheets twisted around her and heat curling up in the pit of her stomach.
“I hate amnesia,” she moaned sleepily.
*
“Remember the last time we teamed up before I lost my memories?” Carol asked, sliding a beer across the kitchen table towards Logan. Great word choice, she winced a moment afterwards.
“Maybe,” he said, taking the bottle and regarding the beer with vague suspicion. He had his feet kicked up on Stark’s table, there on some business or other, with a sub sandwich in front of him.
“Do you remember smelling…anyone on me?” she asked, praying to whatever gods that were assigned to this sort of thing that no one would overhear this conversation. (She hoped Thor wasn’t in charge of that.)
“What d’ya mean?” Logan asked, taking the cap off the bottle and tossing it onto the kitchen table with a ting!
“You know what I mean,” Carol said. “I know you try to be discreet, but could you tell that I was…sleeping with anyone? That I might not remember?”
Logan took a long, contemplative swig of his beer.
“Well, I—“
“You can smell that?” Tony Stark said in shock, standing in the doorway to his kitchen. Carol and Logan turned to look at him, frozen with an empty coffee cup and a look of horror on his face. “So, you know --?”
Before Carol could open her mouth, Tony turned and fled, shaking his head. Logan chuckled.
“You can smell through his suit?” she asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.
“Not on him,” Logan said with a smirk. “But that doesn’t apply to certain other Avengers.” Carol laughed.
“So,” she said, “got any hints for me?” Come on, come on…
“Sorry,” Logan said, shaking his head. “Have you tried asking –?“ Carol huffed and resisted kicking the table leg.
*
Jessica’s skin felt soft and smooth under Carol’s hands. She traced over goosebumps with her fingertips, spreading warmth with her hands, and Jessica shivered.
Jess helped Carol pull her shirt over her head. She pulled herself into Carol’s lap, straddling her hips, setting her hands on Carol’s shoulders.
Jessica’s hair was dark against the pale skin of her shoulders, her eyes bright as she pulled Carol into another kiss, tangling a fist of Carol’s hair.
Carol moaned softly as Jessica’s hands roamed under her shirt and past the waistband of her jeans. She let out a gasp –
– “Jess,” Carol said, startling awake.
She took in a long, deep breath, then propelled herself out of bed.
*
“You look like you’re about to spit fire,” Jessica joked, by way of greeting. She set her purse down on the coffee shop table and beamed at Carol. “And I think you actually could, if you put your mind to it.”
You don’t know the half of it, Carol thought, smiling wryly before she said, “Wouldn’t be the first time. How are you?”
“Fine,” Jess shrugged. She sat across from Carol, setting her elbows up onto the table so she could cup her hot coffee between her palms. Significantly, she raised an eyebrow. “How are you holding up?”
Isn’t that the million dollar question?
“I’m holding up,” Carol answered. She took a sip of her coffee, ignoring Jess’ skeptical look.
“Haven’t seen much of you lately,” Jessica said, her voice sharp with an edge Carol was unfamiliar with.
“I’ve been busy,” Carol said, eyeing her carefully. Jessica popped the lid off her coffee and stuck the stirrer in it, tracing patterns in the foam. Carol licked her lips. “You haven’t really been around much.”
“Been busy,” Jessica shrugged, and there it was again, the hurt – anger, resentment, coldness – that Carol didn’t understand. It should have been easy to figure out from an objective viewpoint. Carol didn’t have the memories, just the facts. She didn’t have a bias towards them, only what she’d gleaned off the actions and words of others. It stung to see Jessica treat her like she wasn’t worth her time.
Maybe I’m not as unbiased as I thought, Carol mused.
“Jess,” Carol said, hesitating for only a moment, “I don’t know how to ask you this. I’m running off of guesses here, trying to fill in the blanks –“
“Just spit it out,” Jessica sighed.
“Were we sleeping together?” Carol asked.
Jessica looked like she’d seen a ghost. She blinked, frozen in her thoughts for a moment, but seemed to make up her mind nearly instantly.
“Just before,” she said, looking down. “Just the once, we didn’t have much privacy after awhile, but we were…at the start of something,” Jessica sighed.
Carol nearly wanted to cry in relief, but she felt bitterness icing up her insides.
“Were you planning on telling me?” she asked coldly.
“Excuse me?” Jessica asked, hand freezing in mid-stir.
“Were you just going to let it go? Pretend it never happened, because I couldn’t remember it?” Carol said, feeling…angry, for once. It almost felt good to feel this enraged about something. Carol kind of hated herself for that.
“I thought it would be better for both of us,” Jessica said, glaring at Carol. “You don’t remember anyways. There’s no pain of rejection if there isn’t any rejection to begin with.”
“You don’t get to make that decision for me,” Carol said harshly, her fists tightening, knuckles turning white. “I clearly knew what I was getting into when I flew. I knew the risks. I knew what I would lose. I didn’t know you would hide it from me.”
“I didn’t know you were going to give up on me,” Jessica retorted. She threw down her coffee stirrer.
“I didn’t give up on anyone,” Carol growled.
“You gave up on us,” Jessica said, her voice breaking. “We could’ve stopped him without your sacrifice. You knew you’d forget – that it could never go back to what it was if you took flight – and you still did it. It sure as hell feels to me like you gave up on anything we could have had.”
“So that makes it okay for you to hide our relationship from me?” Carol said indignantly. “Because you thought I’d given up on it? You should know better than anyone that you don’t make those kinds of choices for others. Even if it’s hard.” Jessica flinched.
“Carol—“
I’m going to regret this later, Carol thought as she pushed her chair back with a loud screeeeek, cutting Jessica off. Without another word, she threw her purse over her shoulder, grabbed her half-full coffee, and turned on her heel.
Definitely going to regret this.
She made it halfway down the block before she realized she’d crushed her to-go cup in her hand.
Damn.
*
It didn’t surprise Carol when she couldn’t sleep that night. She tossed and turned, her bed sheets twisted around her legs, and resisted the urge to scream into her pillow.
Carol sat up in bed, pushing the covers aside. She could see the moon and half the city out of the large windows of the Statue of Liberty’s crown, the night dark and shining with a billion electric lights. Carol sighed.
This is better than nightmares, at least, she thought wryly to herself. Carol swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up to stretch. She was mid-yawn when her new doorbell rang.
Diiiiiing-doooooong.
Carol threw on a pair of sweatpants and headed to the door, glancing at the blinking digital clock as she went to answer it. Who would come all the way out here to see her?
Carol peered through the peephole. Jessica Drew stood in the doorway, chewing on her lip and staring down at something in her hands.
Well, who else would it be? Carol thought, steeling herself as she opened the door.
“Hey,” Carol said.
“Hey,” Jessica said, looking up. She sighed. “I’m an idiot.”
“Tell me something new,” Carol replied after a moment. She stepped aside to let Jessica in and shut the door behind her.
“I brought you cookies,” Jess said, holding up a white paper bag. It had a cookie with a smiley face on it, with the words “SLEEPY COOKIES” printed around the logo.
“Where’d you get cookies at 2AM?” Carol asked, raising an eyebrow. She took the cookies and followed Jessica into the kitchen.
“Sleepy Cookies. They’re open super late,” Jessica said, sitting down at the table as Carol pulled out a few plates and two glasses. “Steve said snickerdoodles were your favorite.”
“You asked Steve Rogers what my favorite cookie was?” Carol snorted. She poured out two glasses of milk.
“No,” Jessica said, sighing. “I asked…for advice,” she begrudgingly admitted, rolling her eyes.
“And?” Carol asked. She set a glass down in front of Jess and took a seat on the other side of the table, opening the bag for a cookie.
“And then I went to a cookie place filled with college students with midterms or the munchies,” Jessica said, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. “They wouldn’t write ‘I’m sorry’ on them, though. Apparently they don’t do that there.”
“I won’t accept any less than the best,” Carol said, looking down at her cookie and shaking her head.
“You’re eating my apology cookie,” Jessica pointed out. “Pretty sure that means you accept my apology.”
“Haven’t heard an apology yet,” Carol said. “Although it is a good cookie.”
Jessica frowned, glaring down at the cookie she’d taken. She looked back up at Carol.
“I’m sorry,” Jessica said miserably. Carol felt a pang of regret for yelling at her earlier. “It wasn’t right to hide that from you. I was angry with you.” She paused. “I am angry with you, still, although I shouldn’t be. But that doesn’t make what I did right.”
“Did it take a conversation with Steve to make you realize that?” Carol asked, breaking off a piece of her cookie to dip into the milk.
“No,” Jessica said. “He asked me why I was moping around hoping for a call to come in when I should be – how did he put it? ‘Making things right with yourself and the world.’ Or whatever.” She rolled her eyes.
“Did he recommend the cookies?” Carol asked, unable to help herself. “Or did you come up with those all by yourself?”
“Barton was there,” Jessica sighed. “I’m telling you, he hangs out with Mini-Hawk too much. You spend too much time ‘mentoring’ Kit and Kamala, and you’ll end up like that. He asked me if I’d ever played Happy Bird,” she said in disgust.
“Have you?” Carol asked, unable to help herself.
“No,” Jess replied defensively.
Carol laughed. “Sure you haven’t,” she smiled.
Carol stood up, grabbing her plate and empty glass. She walked over to the sink and rinsed them off, ignoring the burning glare of Jessica’s eyes on her.
“You seem awfully forgiving,” Jessica said suspiciously from the table.
Carol washed her hands and dried them before she answered.
“I’m still mad,” she said honestly, bracing her hands on the edge of the kitchen counter. “I know you’re angry at me, too, but I’m not apologizing for what I did.” Carol paused for a moment.
She turned to face Jessica, leaning against the counter with her arms crossed. “But I’m not going to let one mistake come between us,” Carol said. “I don’t remember everything, but I know we’ve gone through a lot. I don’t think I want to let anything else come between us that could ruin…” Our friendship? Relationship? “…Whatever it is we’ve got going.”
Jessica stood up to join Carol at the counter.
“You say that like you want to pick up where we left off,” she said cautiously, her voice low, her eyes glued to Carol’s.
“I want to be with you,” Carol said firmly. “Whether that’s as friends, or as something else, I don’t know. I don’t care.”
“I care,” Jessica said quickly, a smirk appearing at the corner of her mouth. “I really care about which one.”
“So, do you want to be my girlfriend?” Carol asked, raising an eyebrow, almost like a challenge.
“Hell, yeah,” Jessica said, deflating a little in apparent relief. “I thought you’d never ask.”
“I’m going to kiss you now,” Carol said finally, taking Jess’ hands in her own and moving into her space.
“About time.”
Jessica leaned in to kiss her, and Carol – with their fingers intertwined, head tilted to the side, eyes closed – smiled into the kiss.
Fin.
--
End notes: Sleepy Cookies is based off Insomnia Cookies, which my acquaintances swear by, but I’ve never had because I don’t actually live on campus. They deliver cookies until super late at night. I think they’re mostly a college thing.
Happy Bird is, of course, based off the worst app in existence.
