every year we get around to this day and i think along the lines of the same thing. it’s been another whole year, and i’ve known you for so long, it feels familiar. i think we’ve celebrated in a lot of ways, but i know that every single day i get to have you in my life is one in it’s own way. recently that’s been even more true, because i’ve been able to wake up every single day and it’s to you, and i couldn’t be more grateful for that. it makes me wonder about all of that time we spent living apart, and i'm not sure how we did it. at least i know now that being able to fall asleep next to you is a whole lot nicer then over video calls on our phones.
do you remember that one year we celebrated at your house, and when the sun started to set, we snuck outside and wandered into the trees? the sky was a beautiful spread of color, oranges and pinks and purples and all i could think of was that the sky wanted to celebrate that you are here, the whole world, does, because to me. well. you were, and still are, my whole world, and i feel like anyone and everything that meets you should realize what a once in a lifetime opportunity that is. to talk to you, to see you smile.
and so i hope you have a good day today. i hope that every single day i can make you happy, but today i just want to make sure you know how much you mean to me, and. to think back to all of those years ago, when i met you for the first time, i can only think about how glad i am that it was you.
we have a lot of memories together, don’t we, kyu? despite everything that we’ve been through together, i feel like part of the reason that i’ve been able to weather it all is because i have you with me. i hope you know that every single time i reach out for your hand it’s because you feel like something to anchor me in the dark. you’ve always been so much light to me, sunkyu yah. i hope, too, that when i reach out for you, i can be something that allows you to feel tethered to this earth, but also a reminder that. i’m here, and i’ll remain here with you always, if that’s what you’d like, too.
i thought you’d wonder, maybe, when i had the time to write all of this to you, so i’ll paint you a picture. you were reading a book on the couch, one hand on the pages and one hand in my hair like you know how i like, but then i felt your hand start to slow, and i looked up, and you had fallen asleep. so i saved the page that you had stopped on and tucked you into a blanket, and you’re still sleeping across the room while i’m getting all of this together for you. i have a gift for you, too, but i wanted you to have this first.
before you moved in, i barely spent any time here. it felt too dark, and. it was also too.. empty. looking at you now, i feel like you came in and spread light to every edge of darkness that had filled up this space, and now i have so many memories of warm afternoons laughing with you, and late nights watching movies together on the couch, and eating breakfast over the counter, and i couldn’t think of a better way to fill up this space with happiness.
along with this are two pictures i had printed, i thought we could put them up in the apartment, decorate with some more of those moments. the first is one i took of you myself, even though i’m not so good with cameras, i think the picture came out well just because of how pretty you are. it was that night on the balcony, the one where we danced under the stars. the second photo was one that another volunteer at the community center took for us, when i came to visit you for lunch that one day after i was done at my parents. i actually didn’t know she had taken it, but she came and gave it to me after, and i couldn’t help but print it. you look very pretty in that one, too.
here’s to a lot more memories, sunkyu yah. i think i might start carrying around a camera just to capture them all, just so i can fill up the walls with all of them, so we can reminded whenever we pass them in the hallways. these small moments of happiness. i always find it easily when i’m with you, kyu.
i left this by the bed so you could read it once you woke up. when you’re done, come out to the kitchen, because i’m making breakfast. and i have something else that i’d like to give you.
he shoots him a little smile. it’s sincere, because it’s hard not to smile and mean it when he sees how content yujin looks, but it just needs a little more effort than usual. he hopes yujin doesn’t notice.
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yujin knows he runs warm— thinks it’s a nice compliment to sunkyu, if only he can keep him warm whenever he gets too cold, offer a little bit of his warmth to his chill to ease it when it gets to be too much. his words still make him laugh quietly, shaking his head a little bit and only holding him tighter to make sure that he absorbs more of it.
humming at his comment, he can only think that.. maybe being with sunkyu like this makes him sappy— maybe it’s the ocean and the fireworks and the night time sky, maybe it’s sunkyu, sure and true, pressed up against his side. there’s a peacefulness to this world that yujin doesn’t notice often, but in this moment, he can see it. so maybe he’s sappy, and maybe he just wants to make sure that sunkyu knows how special he is. to him, to this world. just us. yujin thinks that nothing else could even sound better than that.
kissing him is easy. yujin knows this— and another thing he knows, is that feeling that wells up in his chest every single time their lips touch, the one that burns, the one that feels like it would consume him if he let it, one that he would welcome happily. it’s soft and familiar and there is still a part of him that thinks that this is the most warm thing that he knows, but there is also his heart, fluttering like a butterfly contained, this threatening to beat against his ribs, too, like there’s more that he needs to let out, words forming on his lips even occupied like this, maybe amplified because of it.
it’s the hand on his hip, it’s the way that he knows how sunkyu’s lips slide against his own, it’s the fact that they’ve almost memorized this— no, they probably have, and yujin thinks he still will never get tired of it.
he stares into his eyes and thinks that he can maybe see the light of the fireworks reflected there, maybe even himself, and he thinks of a time he would’ve been scared of this, but slowly, and surely, he has been accepting it. thinks that maybe it’s something like allowing himself things, it’s something like letting sunkyu be in his life if he wants to be— he’s tired of running, he’s tired of hiding away from it, he’s tired of telling himself he doesn’t deserve this. maybe the universe can give him this. just this. it’s all he asks for.
he feels his hand on his hip, blinks and thinks that it’s all climbing up his throat. he’s not even sure he could define it all, but it almost burns, licking over his bottom lip and adjusting his piercing to settle against the swell right, and maybe he’s still running a little, just a bit. just for this. he welcomes sunkyu’s words when they come, humming.
“of course we can, kyu,” he says, and he brushes his nose against his back, closing his eyes for just a moment. maybe he can just stay here for awhile, in this feeling, and pretend that it’s enough, pretend that it’s not slowly consuming him while he isn’t watching, too afraid to give it a name. yujin’s thinking for a moment, and he makes an affirmative noise. “i believe it does. we could order room service and watch for more,” yujin offers, eyes opening now, and he catches the curve of sunkyu’s smile— but. he’s known him for long enough to notice there’s something about it that is not like his others.
and it’s not something that overly worries him, he can tell that there’s still a true curl to it, but there’s also something that is hidden in the corner, something that makes yujin pause for just a moment. he looks over his features for just a moment, a quick look, and he knows that sunkyu would tell him if there was anything, so he decides to wait patiently for the moment that he might tell him, if he needs to. and if he doesn’t— well. yujin will do whatever he needs to help ease that hidden thing away until he doesn’t think about it anymore.
so he offers him a small smile back, and he hopes that it conveys what he’s thinking, that sunkyu can come to him if he needs, or yujin will be here for him if he asks. he’ll do anything that he asks— if it means that he can be what sunkyu needs. so he slowly untangles them and leaves one more kiss on the top of his head before sitting up and scooting forward, shoving his feet into his boots and standing, brushing some of the sand off of himself with a little frown. “it really is everywhere,” he whines, quietly, and he’s sure it’s probably even in his hair. “the one thing about the beach that i could argue makes it less fun,” yujin continues, and he’s gathering up their things, the backpack full of snacks and drinks that he slings over his shoulder, arranging sunkyu’s shoes right next to him so he can put them on.
waits until he’s off the blanket to pick it up and shake off the sand— folding it corner by corner and draping it over one arm, one hand sliding to the low of sunkyu’s back to lead him back to the car. it’s right where they left it, shining darkly in the parking lot as they leave the distant noise of the fireworks crackling in the sky behind them. he’s unlocking the car as they near it in a comfortable silence, pitching the stuff in the back and telling himself he’ll care about the sand later. sliding into the front seat and starting the car, radio picking up low in the background where they had left it when they had arrived.
“what should we order.. do you think we should order pizza to the hotel instead?” yujin offers, and maybe he’s trying to make some sort of small talk to distract sunkyu from whatever he had been thinking about as he pulls his seatbelt on, only hoping that the simple idleness of it is helpful— he’d do anything for him, and having sunkyu in his life for so long, he only hopes that knowing what he needs in this moment comes to him as naturally as everything else does, when it comes to things between the two of them.
there are plenty of other spectators on the beach, though sunkyu had made sure they were a good distance away. they look like families or otherwise people who must be close, judging by the indistinguishable edges of their silhouettes, painting an idyllic ending for what he imagines must have been a nice date for them. it makes him smile to think about, a little tired but happy as he settles back into yujin’s space. happiness looks good on other people -- it had looked the best on yujin today, all of it even sweeter compared to the sour memories of last week. “i was thinking that i’d make a hundred trips home if it meant we’d get to go to the beach afterwards every time,” he says to yujin, scuffing his feet at the edge of their blanket where he can feel the cool sand. “i mean, i wouldn’t want to, but if it was the only reason we ended up coming down here, then i guess it wasn’t all that bad. maybe we’ll even find another octopus for you to be friends with.” he grins, nudging his shoulder into yujin’s.
＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ —
he’s happy enough to see that his jacket could keep the warmth huddled in close to sunkyu, but there’s a part of him that’s pleased when sunkyu moves closer to him, too. yujin shakes his head a little when he mentions him getting sick, a small smile on his lips. “impossible. i’m always kinda hot anyways, you know that,” he says, and gently rubs at his side with his hand, an idle motion he doesn’t think too much about, another way to warm sunkyu up more.
“plus i’ve got you here too, don’t i?” yujin mentions, and he’s already looking at him when sunkyu looks over to meet his gaze. like this, yujin is once more reminded of the space between them and the way that somehow, with sunkyu, it always feels magnetic, like there’s something that’s pulling him closer and closer and it never feels like enough, no matter what yujin does. he feels it again, right now, but he’s indulgent in the way that he lets it drag out.
the side of his mouth quirks up into a smirk when he tells him he’s missing the show, a low chuckle falling past his lips. “i think i wasn’t missing much. sure, the fireworks are pretty, but.. i think there’s something quite more beautiful i can be looking at right beside me,” he murmurs, even as sunkyu guides his gaze away and to the sky. he does like seeing the explosions of light in the sky, so disconnected from him then how intimately he can know them up close that he can almost find them awe inspiring, instead of something that makes his hands shake, little prickles of heat in his fingertips like they’re bursting on his palms.
he watches the sky for a little while, before he hears sunkyu speak again, laughing at his statement. “if you want to come to the beach more often, kyu, i’ll bring you here,” yujin tells him, and he nudges his shoulder back. “we don’t need a reason to come, really, i just wanted to give us an incentive to get through the weekend, but we don’t need to have one again to do it,” he tells him, and when he mentions the octopus, he pouts a little bit.
“i don’t want another octopus to be friends with— i’m just.. your octopus,” he says, and to prove his point, he wraps his other arm around him and rests his cheek against his shoulder, his leg coming up to curl around one of his. yujin squishes him for a moment before he at least pulls his leg away, digging his feet into the sand just beyond their blanket just because he can.
he’s quiet for a moment as he watches the sky, and memories from the past weekend come rushing in again. he thinks about doing it a hundred more times just to have these moments alone with sunkyu, and he knows that he would, but he also thinks about the ache in his chest at the way they had to act around his parents. the way he had to shove his hands in his pockets to keep himself from reaching out for him as much as he does, for his hands, to hug him, to— he thinks of this morning, checking into the hotel. the receptionist that mistook their actions for.. being a couple.
he thinks of how he’s holding onto him, right now, on this beach filled with other couples watching the fireworks light up the sky. chews on his bottom lip and thinks that it’s that feeling again, the warm one in his chest that he keeps running from, and he thinks that he doesn’t want to think about it right now— just wants to think about sunkyu, just wants to focus on him and nothing else, not question himself or his actions or how he feels and just do what feels right. isn’t that all that matters?
“sunkyu-yah,” he calls out, then, and he tilts his head up to wait for his gaze to meet his, a small smile sliding onto his lips as he meets them, finally, once more, and look, there, he feels the weight of the necklace on his chest, how solid and true sunkyu feels in his arms, hears the way the fireworks crackle and thunder in the background.
he closes the distance between them. feels the gravity close between them, that rush, then the sweet, familiar feeling of sunkyu’s lips against his own. he lets his eyes fall shut, and this is the feeling in his chest, warm and right and.. home. yujin doesn’t think it’s a place anymore, he thinks that maybe it’s right here.
sunkyu in his arms, sunkyu pressed against his side, sunkyu’s mouth slotting perfectly when he seeks him out in the dark. he rises a bit up on his elbow from where he had slid down, and when he pulls back, he lets his eyes flutter open as their noses brush. like this, he can barely hear the fireworks, maybe even the rest of the world. just the fluttering of his own heart in his chest, the warmth that blooms inside him when he’s this close to him. just that familiar beat of home, home, home.
distantly, yujin hears the resounding noises of the fireworks that are in front of them, and he had started with his gaze turned to them, bursting and sparkling down in little trails like shooting stars until they reached the water, but then. but then. he had turned his gaze to sunkyu.
there is something about the night framing him, and beyond the sounds of the fireworks is the soft lull of the waves reaching the shore and receding, and there is also something about the way that the bursts of light in the sky reflect on his features. his eyes trace the slope of his nose and the curve of his jaw, he watches the way they shine and reflect in his hair. reclined back on one arm, yujin can’t help but lean in and kiss his temple, slide an arm around his waist.
yes, he should probably be watching the fireworks, he had driven them to the water just so they could see them, but sunkyu is so much more beautiful.
he thinks to earlier that day, driving sunkyu down to busan on a trip that he had mentioned as an offhand goal to look forward to when they had first arrived at sunkyu’s parents the weekend before, how in that moment all he could think about was how he could help the both of them get through it. remembers sunkyu’s shaking hands, remembers having to shove his own in his pockets just to stop himself from reaching out like he wanted to, thinks about how, now, he doesn’t have to stop himself if he doesn’t want to. and he doesn’t want to.
he remembers the other time they had chased fireworks in the night sky, a whirlwind of a night that yujin thinks of in flashes, he thinks of sunkyu framed in pink light, he thinks of sunkyu dancing with him, the beat of the music so loud he could feel it in his chest, right alongside his rapidly beating heart. he thinks of the whiskey and soda, and he thinks about how he’ll never be able to drink it again without thinking of sunkyu. it seems fitting, as many things in his life are defined and shaped around sunkyu, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.
he thinks of sunkyu’s hand in his, pulling him forward along midnight covered streets, he thinks of waiting at crosswalks and feeling like he could spin and float into the sky with the way that sunkyu makes him feel. there is the fact that maybe he should be scared, like he used to, of seeing fireworks bursting in the sky, a representation of what he can create from his hands, and he thinks about how sunkyu coming into his life has started to give him reasons not to be afraid of his hands anymore. somewhere along the way, he began to realize that some of the things he could do were things he could use to protect sunkyu, to make sunkyu happy, thinks of the weight of the necklace on his chest and looks down to see the mirroring one that sunkyu wears as he does. he wonders if it’s warm, he’s thinking of him quite a bit.
yujin finds himself nuzzling sunkyu’s shoulder and he wonders if it’s obvious that he lost focus on the fireworks and found his attention in sunkyu, instead. it’s a bit inevitable, his fingers curling in his shirt at his waist. he was glad they thought forward to bringing a blanket with them so they could lay out on the sand and watch the lights burst in the sky, though he still feels like somehow, somehow, he has gotten sand all over his jeans. there is a bit of a chill from the ocean, so yujin is mostly trying to make sure that sunkyu doesn’t get cold, a hum quiet in his chest.
“are you warm enough, sunkyu-yah?” he murmurs somewhere near his ear, just to make sure that sunkyu can hear him through all of the noise.
even with his question, he still raises up on a palm and shrugs off his leather jacket, and in the next moment, he’s draping it over sunkyu’s shoulders, and returning to the position he was in previously, laid out beside him, hand sliding back around him. even with the added cover of his jacket, yujin still wants to make sure he can give sunkyu as much of his warmth as possible, he certainly has more than enough to spare. he thinks, then, of how good it feels to get away from it all, knew that the both of them needed this sort of reprieve, thinks of how he hasn’t even checked his phone all day, how blissful the world can be when all he worries about is sunkyu and what else they can do together.
he’s smiling to himself, unable to help it. sunkyu makes him so happy he can’t contain all of it, sometimes. it spills from him like maybe light should, crackling and fizzing like a fire in his chest that he never wants to put out. so he holds him a little tighter, pulls him a little closer.
nothing else matters. he repeats it to himself like a mantra, a litany of reassurances that he keeps close to his heart, in that he’ll never let anyone or anything ever take this, take sunkyu, from him.
not when it’s his. not when he is sunkyu’s, in turn. the entire world couldn’t take this from them. he’ll never let it.
he presses his forehead to the back of yujin’s warm, warm hand and closes his eyes, telling himself that he’ll just take a breath here. one moment, and he’ll wash all of this blood off of yujin’s hands, so that yujin won’t have to think about it anymore. “i’m so scared of losing you.”
tw: blood
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his words make something settle in his chest, and hearing that sunkyu would make sure that nothing will happen just reminds yujin of his own resolve, of the fact that he wouldn’t let it happen because he doesn’t want sunkyu to have to see anything more like this. he doesn’t want sunkyu to have to face his parents, he doesn’t want him to see any of it. quietly, he tells himself that he won’t let it happen, either. for the both of them. and maybe that’s something that he can finally accept.
he shakes his head a little, his tone more steady when he speaks for this. “i’ll never get tired of you, sunkyu yah, i don’t think it’s possible,” yujin says, and he hopes that sunkyu can feel the way that he means it. he’s with sunkyu everyday and sometimes even that doesn’t feel like enough, and the moments that he’s away with him just consist of the desire to get back to him. he can’t count the amount of times he has been out and wanted to turn and point something out to sunkyu, only to notice that he isn’t there and miss him more with an ache that is only cured by the sight of his smile, the weight of his hand in his.
“yeah,” he echoes, letting out a bit of an exhale. “just a little bit more and then we can do that,” yujin says, and it feels like a statement he tries to put out into the world for the both of them, providing a bit of resolve to finish this so they can get back to only worrying about each other, the warmth between them.
he hums in agreement when he says he needs to get his shirt off, and he keeps his vision up. he doesn’t want to see what he looks like as sunkyu undoes the buttons, and so he focuses on his features instead. doesn’t think about how he feels like his shirt, something crisp and precise turned rumpled and stained. the strained breath sunkyu lets go feels like something solid in his chest, but he still doesn’t look. as he throws it into the tub with the other articles of clothing, yujin feels another piece of what happened that night float away from him.
yujin keeps quiet as he works but his point of focus stays on sunkyu. lets himself be tilted and moved as needed, tries to let himself calm down, tries not to think about how much sunkyu is doing for him while he sits there, useless, tries to think that this is something for sunkyu, too, that sunkyu will feel better that it’s done. he thinks if he wasn’t here, he probably would have went straight to bed, fell asleep in these clothes and hoped that sleep would allow him some form of clarity in the morning. everything would be so different if sunkyu wasn’t here with him. he thinks of that often, lately.
he tries not to react too much at the pain, more of a dull ache now more than anything, knows that sunkyu is being as gentle as he can and it would hurt regardless, knows that he’s safe here and this is to help, so he tries to quiet as much of it as he can as sunkyu treats everything that he can see.
as he finishes, there is a thank you on the edge of his tongue that he would say if sunkyu didn’t tell him he’d get him a shirt and leave the room, leaving him with the small kiss that makes the darkest parts of the inside of his chest quiet. he waits, playing with his fingers, until sunkyu comes back, grateful for the way that he helps him like this, too, guiding his arms into the sleeves and finding comfort in the softness of the sweater. “thank you, kyu,” he murmurs to him, genuine, quiet, looking down to the blood still lingering on his fingers when they come through the sleeves, eyes going to sunkyu and feeling his heart break at the emotion that he sees there painted clearly in his features, something yujin wouldn’t be able to miss.
yujin listens to him, staring down at him with his heart in pieces, though all he can think about is somehow piecing back together sunkyu’s if he could, if he can.
everything he says feels like echoes of his own thoughts, but it doesn’t make hearing it any easier, the fact that sunkyu has to indirectly deal with this too, that sunkyu has to see him like this. “i’m tired, too,” yujin murmurs, and he feels like if his voice breaks, he won’t point it out. he lets it happen. “it’s.. it’s always been like this. i wish that i could make it easier for you, too, because you have to do the same thing. i remember how it used to be, when i visited your house. it. it hurts, to see someone that you care about so much have to change so drastically to cater to other people who are supposed to love unconditionally, but all it ever feels like is that it is conditional, and. all i ever could do is watch. i’ve always felt so.. helpless. so i try to. give as much as i can to you in any other way possible, the fact that you’ve been here with me this long, despite everything that you have to handle, too, i’m so. grateful for you. and scared. i’m scared, too, that this life we live doesn’t guarantee anything but all it does is take,” he breathes out, and he would reach out to cradle sunkyu’s cheek in his hands if they weren’t dirty, feels the way that he has to hold back like a physical ache.
“but,” he murmurs, and watches as sunkyu places his forehead against the back of his hand, and it’s another time that he wishes with everything he has that he can do more than this, then just give him words, wishes he could do something about it, too.
“you’re not going to,” yujin says, and he shifts, now, to slide off of where he’s sitting and come down on his knees to settle next to sunkyu. here, on the same ground, he leans forward and presses their forehead together, squeezing his eyes shut to give them both a moment of quiet, of safety. “i’m right here with you and this is where i’ll stay. somehow, somewhere, someone, who knows what, gave me you. in this life, i received you, and i mean it when i say that i’ll stay. i’ll be here with you. so don’t be scared, because there’s nothing that will keep me from doing that. i’ll fight to stay here. i’ll do anything if it means i get to wake up to you another day. so don’t be scared,” he opens his eyes, now, and he brings a free hand up to tilt sunkyu’s chin up, for him to open his eyes too, for them to be able to meet their gazes, the millionth time, the next one leading to another million, ones that yujin looks forward to.
“you have me. you’ll always have me. please remember that, sunkyu yah,” yujin tells him, and his words are final, even if they’re said with tears waiting in his eyes, glittering in the dim light of the bathroom. he takes a breath and he reaches for the cloth on his knees that sunkyu had left on the counter before he went to get him clothes, and he wipes his hands in it, and reaches up to wipe any remainder of blood that he finds on sunkyu, wipes his chin. when he’s done, he leans forward, and he leaves a quiet kiss on his forehead. throws the cloth into the tub and he stands, reaching out his hands for him.
“c’mon. let’s forget all of this for a little while. let’s just. focus on each other, okay? it’s just us, here,” yujin tells him, and he thinks that when he looks into his eyes, it calms all of the shaking that had once been racking his frame, his hands, and thinks that it replaces it with a certain type of warmth that yujin can rely on, that yujin wants to stay in for awhile.
one more gaze, here, and yujin offers him the quietest smile. a million and one. a million more.
i’m sorry. it’s stuck in his throat. i should have been with you. i should have been there.
focus. he silently counts to three; he rests a hand on yujin’s cheek, then the lapel of his jacket, and sunkyu’s still shaking but he needs to focus. “do you think you can move enough to get your jacket off...?”
tw: blood
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yujin can barely handle the look in sunkyu’s eyes. the tears that wait to fall, the shakiness of his hands as he reaches out to him, and he thinks that he wishes he could clear it all away so he doesn’t leave any evidence of this, of his failure, on sunkyu’s hands, too. he wishes he could be better, so that sunkyu didn’t have to bear the weight of any of this at all.
as he wipes at his cheeks he tries to fight the feeling back, tries to get through the explanation instead and accept the fact that sunkyu is here, sunkyu is already involved in this, yujin has already dragged him this deep. he feels a little too raw at the edges to try and accept it so he tries to cast it to the side, tries to tell himself he’ll visit it later and accepts the feeling that he isn’t a good man, wouldn’t ever be one to subject sunkyu to this. to this entire life, to yujin himself.
he deserves so much better.
he’s not even sure what to think about. everything seems to be running through his mind and weighing heavy and flowing away and he feels so scattered, and he thinks of his parents and the kind of words that they’ll have for him but he doesn’t think anything will hurt as much as seeing tears in sunkyu’s eyes, to see him shaking, all because of yujin. all of his fault. he never wants to see him like this, much less be the cause of it. sunkyu always deserves to have a smile on his face. “i just don’t want them to come over here. i don’t want you to. see that. whatever it will be. whatever they’ll do to me,” he says, laughs wordlessly and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment but that doesn’t clear his mind in the slightest, opens them to just look back down at the floor, it’s all he can handle for the moment.
sunkyu says he’s glad he came home but all yujin can think of is that he made him cry, and there’s. just hurt. he can handle anything else but making sunkyu upset, anything other then that emotion in his gaze. there even isn’t a way he can think of, right now, to make it go away, to make him smile, and it makes him feel worse, that all he brings is sadness and he can’t even clear it away. a never ending thunderstorm, he feels like he’s rumbling the very foundation of the apartment and not stopping, there is lightning in the windows and striking down to the very center of his heart, rattled to his core that he couldn’t be better then this.
he tells him to hold on, so he does. he stands there in the hallway, taking in shallow breaths and trying not to fall apart.
and when he comes back up, yujin looks up to see him outlined by the lights of their apartment, framed by all of the memories here, and yujin thinks he might already be fractured. when he holds both of his hands, he feels a shudder go through him, that they have both been dragged into this reality and covered over in it, he feels like he’s spreading it everywhere. there, he says we, and yujin can’t help the way it falls over him, and it’s then that tears fall down his cheeks, unbidden. he’s still shaking, but he feels like somehow, sunkyu contains some of it in the way that he grips his fingers.
“will you rest with me?” he asks quietly, because it’s all he can manage. he lets him lead him into the bathroom and it feels like yujin is once more allowing himself to sink, here, in sunkyu’s hands, in his arms, in the way that he always helps him feel some sort of calmness in the midst of a storm. maybe the rain is outside, and maybe it’s slamming against the windowpanes and it’s dark and angry but here. here they’re far away from all of that. all in the connection of their hands. no matter how broken yujin feels, no matter how much he thinks that he doesn’t deserve it, sunkyu is still. here. holding his hand. telling him that they’ll do it together.
yujin sits and watches him run the water. he traces his features with his eyes, in the shitty bathroom light, the curve of his jaw and his hair, following the strands, the slope of his nose. there’s so many years between them, there is so much between them, and here they are. he thinks back to when they were younger, and never thought of a reality that sunkyu would have to wash his blood off of his hands.
his hand is cool on his cheek. he can’t help but reach up and cover it with his own for a second, trying to chase it away with warmth. yujin had been trying not to touch him, if maybe he could somehow keep from staining him with all of this, but he can’t help the way that he naturally reaches out for him every chance that he gets, can never fight it for too long, no matter the reason, even if he never ever wants to, just has some part of him that tells him sunkyu would be better off if he didn’t.
his hand follows to his jacket. he hums a little. “i can,” he says, and he favors his right side as he manages to get the left off, and let the suit jacket slide off, where he tosses it towards the bathtub, where they can wash it later. squeezes his eyes shut while he does it, scrunching his nose up but pressing forward. here, the crisp white button down he had slid onto his shoulders leaves nothing to not be seen. his hands go up to his tie to loosen it and undo the knot, and he deposits that in the tub, as well, to deal with later.
he thinks he should be doing all of this on his own, but sunkyu had asked him to let him do this, and so. he does. he notices the shaking of his hands and brings both of his own to sunkyu’s, holding them for a moment, leaning forward to press them against his cheeks, for just a moment. “i’m sorry,” he whispers, a resounding echo, and wishes he could make it all better, wishes he could take them away somewhere less dark, somewhere where they don’t have to worry about any of this.
yujin looks up after a moment to meet his gaze. he thinks about all of the times he’s ever met sunkyu’s eyes, and wishes that like this, it didn’t have to be another one that he would remember, covered in his own blood. “tell me what you’re thinking,” he says quietly, because he can see that sunkyu is holding something back, maybe, he can see all of the thoughts that he keeps inside, and he doesn’t want him to, wants to clear them all away.
he thinks of the night in separate pieces. first, he sees leaving home. sunkyu watching him from the bed as he takes himself apart, discarding his piercings, combing his hair back, buttoning up the crisp shirt that covers over his tattoos, when he slides on the dress shoes instead of his boots. he thinks of the feeling of sunkyu’s hand in his own when he has to let go, he thinks of that final squeeze before he leaves the apartment behind, and in it, the one piece of home that yujin knows in this world.
then, there is the hour long ride to his parent’s home. there is the way his knee bounces, and he’s unable to fiddle with his rings because he has none, and so he texts sunkyu inbetween him trying to swallow, calm down, breathe quietly. he does this multiple times a week, so why is every time so hard? why does it feel like it’s the first time he’s done it every single time? maybe it’s because he’s not always quite so sure what he’s doing unless he’s preparing a spell for a lengthy amount of time, and at this current point in time, he had finished everything he had been asked of a few days prior.
he thinks, idly, waiting for a message back from sunkyu that eases some of the tension every time he feels his phone vibrate in his hands, that everything has been a little too much lately. he knows his parents are only thinking about the bond, only thinking about the impression that yujin might be giving when he can barely do magic, still, when he expresses no interest in the business still, and does not try to engage any further. he thinks of his mother, dark eyes from his doorway back home, the hidden sneer she barely manages to hide as she tells him that now that they’re living together, yujin better not show an ounce of weakness. he’s supposed to show sunkyu how capable he is, how powerful he is, and so all of this extra business he’s been doing lately is supposed to be representative of that.
and usually, he’s good at hiding it. he thinks he is. maybe he’s just running or putting it behind a wall, but even when he woke up this morning, the bags under his eyes were so prominent. his hands are shaking even as he tries to eat breakfast, and he’s felt so drained, lately, like he barely has anything left. he feels like the exact opposite of the pinnacle example of a good son, yet he still enters their home with a smile. he still presses a kiss to his mother’s cheek and tries to swallow down the bitter taste in his mouth. his father still stares from some distance away, and he’s got the paper in his hands, but yujin knows he’s watching his every move. yujin pays careful attention to not falter.
sunkyu in his mind, again, as he usually is. he feels even more upset to think that his behavior might be making him worry, and he thinks about the other night, breaking down on the way back from his parent’s house enough that he had to stop the car, steady his breathing. feeling like a fool for not being able to swallow back the tears welling in his eyes, the tightness in his throat, the way his hands were shaking way too much for him to feel comfortable driving. he thinks of sunkyu’s voice on the phone. we said we'd do this together, didn't we? i want to deal with this together too. yujin wishes it was easier. he wishes that all of this didn’t exist, he wishes that they didn’t have anything to deal with together, he wishes that all they had to focus on was— being happy. often, yujin wonders how different a person he would be if he didn’t have to deal with all of this, but he also thinks about how he received sunkyu in the process, and he wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.
the next part of his night, as he had tried to go back to his bedroom where he had basically converted it into where he does all of his magic, having replaced the remnants of whatever childhood he did have into places for books, for ingredients, for anything that he needed, the things that his parents collected for him to help complete the more complicated spells. there is his father’s hand on his shoulder, telling him he’s going to do something a little different tonight.
yujin had wondered when this would begin.
a velvet pouch, the glasses of the potion he had previously divided and labeled, tied together with strings. he, himself, feels like he is being led on them as his father guides him to another car, one with darkened windows, and gives him the address to key into the gps. he thinks of sunkyu. he thinks— he can barely think. feels like an extension of himself as he drives, as he repeats what his father told him over and over in his mind. the asking price that his parents had previously negotiated, that he should be firm and professional, accept no less than what they’re asking for, do not come back unless he’s received the money.
he’s alone, and the meeting place is dark. waiting at the edge of a forest, the dark trees looming from the car a few feet behind him, he waits. until they come from the tree line. first, he’s outnumbered. three to his one, and yujin looks briefly up to the stars. he thinks of sunkyu again. thinks of his hand in his own when he left, he thinks of the fire he feels in them right now, the way his heart pounds in his chest. he is not prepared for this.
the next thing he is not prepared for: they expected a different price. yujin winces at the sound of his own voice as he tells them he’ll accept nothing less. it sounds weak. he feels weak.
he expects the anger, even if it takes him only a moment to anticipate it. the potions are waiting back in the car, locked in the glovebox. this, at least, he prepared for. but not for what comes next.
yes, yes, they’ll teach him a lesson, if he won’t hand it over. of course, they’ll have to make sure it’s obvious, so whoever sent him here knows not to mess with them again. it makes perfect sense.
yujin sees his father, feels the coldness of his gaze as the first punch connects with his face. pain flashes, blinks across his features, and he reaches his shaking hand up just to see blood. at least in this moment, he can laugh, just at the ridiculousness of it all. blood in his teeth, on his hands, finally, now, finally. he’s not sure how to feel when it’s just his own.
he can hear his father, now, too, can hear him tell him to use his magic. he could, easily, and be out of this place without a scratch. yujin is not a fighter. not for himself.
when did he get on the ground? maybe it’s better this way. he clutches his side, pain blooming as each hit connects with his skin, and he thinks maybe he isn’t present for this, not entirely. it all stops as soon as it starts. maybe it’s because yujin isn’t laughing anymore. he can hear footsteps, distantly, and shifts onto his back with a wince, just to stare up at the stars. they’re still there, blinking down at him.
he wonders if this is what his parents wanted. he’s not sure what’s worse, proof that he can’t do this, on top of all the proof that he already gave that he can’t do this, or the fact that he didn’t even get the money. it’s not like it’ll hurt them, they’ll probably do anything they can to smooth over the deal, yujin can see it now. he could go back there bruised and bloody and they’d ask him where the money was. take the potions back, they’ll make sure he makes up for it on the other end, he’ll work harder, make more.
so he doesn’t go back to his parents. he goes home.
yujin feels a little bit like he’s in a dream, but it’s not a very good one. he’s known nightmares his whole life but this is something he can feel all of the way to his bones, as he gets back to the car, everything feels so tedious, driving back to their place. it’s not the apartment that he wants to go back to, but it’s sunkyu. and he knows, what this looks like. he almost considers not going back, stopping somewhere to clean himself up, but he remembers together and thinks he has no more energy left to even try and bear it on his own.
he couldn’t even look at his reflection in the rear view of the mirror of the car, but he had caught glances that made him immediately focus his attention back on the road. he parks, feeling like a puppet on strings. climbs all of the stairs, trying to steady his breath. he thinks he can still feel blood on his face, dripping down his chin. he’s glad he doesn’t run into anybody.
yujin isn’t even sure how long it’s been. and he hadn’t texted him, couldn’t even steady his hands enough for it, so as he gets the door open, he shoulders inside. makes sure it’s shut, and it’s locked, and it’s at that moment that he finally lets it all go. he slides down until he’s sitting on the floor and presses his hands to his face and it’s then that he lets himself shake. there’s still a part of him that tries to keep it quiet, because he feels so raw, anyways, and he feels like any moment it’s all going to come rushing to him, and it does, then, it does. the fact that he fucked up, that his parents will be angry, that he doesn’t know how to fix it, the fact that he can’t protect himself, he didn’t even try, the fact that he’s probably going to worry sunkyu, the fact he came home like this in the first place because he wasn’t capable enough, and his hands curl into tight fists, and he’s unable to keep the pieces together anymore.
he is a failure. he can’t do anything right, and he has let down his parents, and he has let down sunkyu. he knows they should do this together, but he wishes he was stronger, he wishes that he could. be someone sunkyu can rely on, can be confident in that he’ll be okay, not have to think about it, no matter what. and he’s failed.
he’s failed now, especially, since he can’t even hold any of this back, make sure that sunkyu doesn’t see. it feels even worse, that he’s so weak right now, he can’t even hide it, it feels like it’s all spilling out, out of his control, and he’s shaking so much he can’t even focus on anything, nothing other then the feeling like he’s slipping over an edge, losing his grip.
maybe there’s blood on the floor, now. it’s all over his jacket. it’s all over his hands. yujin thinks he should probably get used to the feeling, now. this is his life. he can’t ever have anything be different.
he had known darkness for awhile now, but nothing like this.
“you’re sure? about me coming here?” he worries his bottom lip between his teeth, trying to picture what it would be like. they’d stayed overnight with each other before, when they were younger, but he imagines that moving in would be much different than just a single night. “because i...shed. like, when i shift. i’ll try not to, but.” a little furrow appears between his brows. “and sometimes i take things, because-- i don’t know why, i can’t help it, but i always give them back afterwards. you can ask my old roommates,” he rushes to say, because it seems important that he convinces yujin that he wouldn't regret saying yes.
＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ —
“you do,” yujin tells him, and squeezes his hand back. for every ounce of cold that sunkyu ever felt, yujin hoped to replace it with warmth, just to make sure that he felt comfortable. he often found that in their hands, often linking them together just to chase away any cold that lingered there.
humming at his words, he runs his thumb over the back of his hand and looks at the gesture quietly. “we can always figure it out as we go. like we always have, just anything to get them to.. quiet down for a little while,” he agrees, and the grin on his face when he imagines sunkyu with a tattoo or a piercing is warm. “you? with a tattoo? and me with long hair?” he shakes his head a little with a chuckle. “only if you braid it for me, then i’ll consider it,”
after he bumps their foreheads together yujin just stays there, leaning against him and thinking that even if they don’t quiet down for very long, even if yujin gets more phone calls from his mother admonishing him for not courting sunkyu properly, for not being an impressive enough witch, for not showing him all of his magic and how he wastes every ounce of it for his inconvenient and silly fears of conducting it— the small amount of time that he will have with sunkyu is worth it. it always is. always has been.
when he asks him if he’s sure about it, yujin’s eyebrows furrow, and he pulls away to meet his eyes, only speaking once he has his gaze. “of course i’m sure about this, kyu,” he says softly, his other free hand going up to curve against his jaw, thumb tapping on his chin, to try and get him to not bite his lip too hard, to try and ease his worry. “i don’t mind if you shed when you shift, or if you take my things, because they’d be your things too at that point anyways— most of the stuff i have now i wouldn’t even consider it any different,” yujin tells him, and he’s smiling, dimples in his cheeks, just because he couldn’t ever see himself upset at sunkyu for anything.
“i’d be really happy to have you here. as you, or shifted, or any way that you want to be. i’m just happy that it’s you. and i won’t have to call you to hear your voice, because you’ll be right here with me. okay?” and he squeezes his hand in his own, just as a reminder that he’ll always be here. he thinks he always will be, if sunkyu lets him.
it was one of the things he was absolutely sure of, in his life. just as he knows the sun rises and sets, just as he knows the fear that tightens his throat and makes his heart pound when he feels hints of his magic rise in his fingertips, just as he had always ever known that, he had known sunkyu. he had known this, his hand in his, making him remember that there was more that he could do with them that was good, not something to be feared.
