IRIDESCENT | A LUCID SPECIAL CHAPTER [RENJUN VER.]
Iridescent - a reflection of luminous colors that changes when perceived at different angles.
A/N: After almost a year of updating Lucid with Jaemin’s special chapter, I finally had the time and inspiration to write Renjun’s version. It has been a while since Lucid ended, but consider this a little gift from me for those who still remember the story. Note that this is is connected to my 00′ line series here so it will not make sense if this is read as a standalone. Renjun is also aged up in this chapter (27 yrs. old) since this is set in the future. I reserve all the rights to this work and I also do not claim any likenesses between the actual person and the character in this story.
Read here for: LUCID SERIES | JENO’s VERSION | JAEMIN’s VERSION | HAECHAN's VERSION
“AND FINALLY, AFTER RUNNING FOR SO LONG, THEY FOUND A PLACE TO REST.”
“Miss? We apologize for keeping you waiting. You can meet the kids now if you are ready.”
You tore your eyes away from the painting you have been staring at to give the elderly woman by the door a kind smile. The pale glow of the winter sun bounced against the white walls of the small room you are in, illuminating the gold-framed artwork that was taking the center wall of the office. When you were first ushered into the school, you weren’t expecting to be welcomed to the principal’s office while the rest of your documents were being filed. Nevertheless, your initial nervousness was eased the moment your eyes set on the said centerpiece which was currently being kissed by the soft gentle light from the open window. You definitely needed it, especially with the usual jitters that comes with starting your first day on your new job.
“Oh, don’t worry about it. I wasn’t waiting for a long time,” you answered politely as you picked yourself up from your seat and reached out for your purse. The lady, who you assumed was the principal herself, gave you a kind, curious look before stepping further into the room.
“Do you like the painting?”
You blinked at her, smile still frozen on your lips at her unexpected question. She gave you a knowing look before nodding towards the artwork.
“You were staring really hard at it,” she observed, causing your cheeks to heat up a little under her gaze. You cleared your throat softly but finally gave a small nod as you adjusted the strap of your bag on your shoulder.
“It’s very beautiful. I don’t know anything about art at all, but I think it’s amazing. It’s somehow calming to me,” you said as you glanced at the piece again. As you did, a cloud shifted outside, showering it with better light. The change in illumination seemed to make it glow and you saw details on it that you haven’t noticed before.
It was a very simple art piece—a view of a room with a wide window that opens to a snow-capped landscape outside. The main subject of it, however, was a girl overlooking the view, her gentle back on the viewer. You can't fully explain it, but her stance seemed lonely yet hopeful at the same time, like she was waiting for something... or someone. She felt familiar… almost like a dream you’ve seen before.
“The head of the school is the artist behind it,” the woman shared behind you. The information made you look at her in mild shock.
“The Head? I thought you are…”
“Oh, I am the Principal, but the school is owned and managed by someone else. This is his office.”
You quietly processed that. When you first saw the job post for a literature teacher here, your interest was immediately captured by the description of the place. After years of working for a larger academy, you decided to look for a job that is more peaceful to say the least. Raven Oaks is a smaller, private academy that also doubles as an orphanage housing abandoned and abused children in need. It was a fairly new school, too, and so you thought it was the perfect opportunity for you to go back to a life of teaching that is quieter but meaningful still.
Honestly, you didn’t expect you would even get a call back after taking your chances.
“I didn’t expect the school owner to be a talented painter,” you said now, mumbling more to yourself as you looked over the artwork again. “I would have thought it would be mentioned in your academy portfolio if he is this good.”
“Ah, our founder is a very private person. I’m usually the one he asks to do all the public appearances, if you may have noticed in our profile. Sometimes, I even question it myself to be honest. What can an old woman like me do, right? But he is a very trusting man who has also saved a lot of kids, and so I thought I want to do whatever I can to help him out.”
You nodded slowly. “It is amazing. I have read some stories and I… felt inspired by them. It was honestly the reason why I decided to apply here.”
“And now you’re going to be a part of that help, too,” the woman said as she reached over to give your shoulder a squeeze. “Now, do you want to maybe meet some of the kids? They have their craft classes this morning. We have an amazing art program as part of our therapy sessions.”
At that, your smile warmed and you gave a nod. You shot one last look at the painting behind you before finally taking a step towards the door to follow the other.
“Yes, I do. I can’t wait to learn more about everyone.”
*******
“I think blue will look best if you use it on your drawing.”
You watched contently as the little boy took the tube of paint that you offered him from the supply box on the table. After the principal escorted you to the art room, you were tasked to observe the class which is currently in the middle of a mini painting session. The children were currently unsupervised because the teacher had to step out, so you temporarily took it upon yourself to watch over them yourself to help around. The child stared at the paint in his hands now before finally glancing at you with his big brown eyes.
“Do we have yellow?”
“Oh, do you want yellow? Let me see if we have it here,” you said as you immediately sifted through the other tubes in the box. In your peripheral vision, you saw the kid sit on the small stool across from you to patiently wait.
“Are you a new teacher, Miss Mam?”
You quickly looked at the boy and gave him a small smile. He looks no older than seven, with black hair that almost falls to his eyes. For some reason, the image of him looking at you so honestly with a curious gaze made a familiar but distant feeling throb fleetingly in your chest.
“Yes, I am. I am going to teach literature here. Do you like that subject?”
The boy’s eyes sparkled as he gave a small, shy nod.
“Yes. I like books. They read us a lot of stories before we go to bed.”
“Oh, really? I promise we will read a lot of amazing books then. Do you have other classes here that you love?”
At that question, the child tucked his head down a little bit, like he was all of a sudden shy. You looked on curiously as he turned his head left and right to make sure that nobody is listening before he leaned over to whisper to you.
“I really really like art class. I think Mr. Huang is super cool.”
His words immediately made your hand freeze. Smile dropping a little, you fought back the deluge of emotions that rushed to the surface of your consciousness at the mere sound of the name. It has been five years since you’ve last connected it with a face so hearing it now almost felt like a dream. You felt a dull throb from deep in your chest, and all of a sudden, you were brought back again to the days you’ve tried so hard to leave behind.
It felt like one of the longest winters of your life. You remember Jaehyun describing the whole thing as a nightmare, one that the pair of you tried so hard to survive. You remember waking up with no memories, and the brutal days that followed as you tried to put back the splintered pieces of yourself that your own mind was trying to shield you from. It was a long fight, one that left you with more wounds the more that you know. In the end, it wasn’t only you who was left scathed by the whole debacle, and you and Jaehyun finally decided to part ways as you tried to find yourself.
It's been five years since then. Five years after and you’re still here, trying to do the same.
Five years in, and the mention of a mere name still shatters what you’ve at least managed to fix.
“Mr. Huang… Is he your teacher?”
The boy gave an excited nod.
“Yes. He helps us a lot with our projects.”
Unconsciously, your fingers wrapped around the cold feel of the paint container in your palm. A part of you told you stop asking questions, but your lips have a mind of their own.
“Has he been teaching here for a long time?”
“Mm. I think so. He’s really nice. He also sometimes reads us stories.”
You could almost hear your blood rushing to your ears. It can’t be… After so long, it is too much of a coincidence to have the last person you’re expecting suddenly show up in your life.
“Would you… probably know what his first name is?”
“There’s no yellow in that box. Here’s a new one if you want it, Jiwon.”
The sound of a new voice from behind you immediately made your heart stop. Before you even had the chance to turn around, you saw a hand reach out to offer a paint tube to the boy. The latter took it happily, his face immediately brightening as he smiled at the person behind you. Your eyes, however, remained pasted on the gentle, long fingers in front of you…
And the faint birth mark on his pale skin.
When he stepped beside you, you felt your world freeze. The colors, the sound, even the air stilled. The only sound left was your own voice, saying the last name you wished Jiwon wouldn’t say in answer to your question.
“Renjun.”
*******
It was like standing in the middle of a spiraling vacuum.
You know the world is still spinning on its axis, but in that moment, nothing else mattered to you other than the vision of him and the space he was taking in your universe. He wasn’t looking at you, his eyes set on the boy, and yet even the lack of contact managed to take away the last breath of air in your lungs. When you saw him smile, the stillness inside of you cracked, like a mirror finally breaking into a million pieces.
“Sorry it took me too long to get the new supplies. Have you been working well?”
Jiwon gave a proud nod. “Miss Teacher was helping us while you were gone. But can we have a break now, Mr. Huang? We want to eat snacks."
Renjun laughed softly as he reached out to ruffle the boy's hair. He sounded beautiful… gentle… and yet the sound made you internally flinch as it dragged you back to the rare nights years ago when he would let his walls down around you, his laughter just as soft as he kissed your skin. The memories were so stark that you actually had to take a step back from him to keep yourself from suffocating. You thought you saw him turn his head towards you at your movement, but by the time you looked at him, he was once again focused on Jiwon.
"Sure. But only for a few minutes, okay? Why don't you bring your friends outside? You can play in the courtyard for a little bit."
The suggestion made the boy’s smile almost split his cheeks.
"Yey! Thank you, Sir!"
The child gave a quick whoop of excitement before skipping towards his classmates. Numbly, you watched as the rest of the kids scrambled out of their seats as soon as he shared the news of playtime. It was the sound of the door closing that finally pinned you back to the present moment, your heartbeat picking up again as you realized the spot you were left in.
The silence was so heavy you could almost feel the pressure on your head. All of a sudden, the spacious airy room became too small and you were fighting once again for your breath. You didn't realize that one of your hands resting on the edge of the table had started slightly shaking as you tried to keep yourself from losing your balance.
"Sit down... You need to relax or you'll black out."
The gentleness of his voice pulled your eyes towards him again before you even had the mind to stop yourself. It was a bad move, because the moment you did, you felt something unravel inside of you. He still wasn't looking at you, but this time, you could see him much better, as if he was the only one you could focus on.
He had definitely changed. The years have let him grow so much more into his features, the once boyish curves of his face now sharper and more defined. Even the set of his shoulders and the way he stood is different now, his stance steady and sure against the light streaming from the window. Despite that, there was still a gentleness that still remains on the way he carries himself and his eyes still hold the softness that he used to only reserve for you back in the days.
Honestly, you wished they didn’t anymore.
"What are you doing here?"
Your voice came off so weak that it was surprising he still heard you. He briefly stopped from fixing the paints in front of him before he slowly, finally lifted his gaze to meet yours. When your eyes finally met, you felt torn between running towards him and running away from him. From the way the emotions in his face flickered, you could tell he feels the same.
"I teach here."
It was the most sensible answer to your question, but for some reason, it was not enough to calm all the emotions consuming you piece by piece at the moment. You wanted to ask a million things, but you didn't know where to start.
Where have you been?
What happened on the days after I lost my memory?
Where did you and your brothers go?
Why... did you leave me?
Renjun looked at you quietly, his eyes shadowed by a look that seemed so familiar yet so distant at the same time. For some reason, you knew that he could see right through you without you needing to say a single word. It has always been like that between the two of you. He has always kept to himself, but his answers are always clearly heard in his silence.
"What… are you doing here?" You asked again, slowly this time. Renjun tightened his jaw before shifting his gaze, knowing full well the difference in your question despite using the same words.
"I wanted to see you."
"Why now? Why just now?"
The tightness in your voice was so raw that for a second, his mask almost broke down. You pushed on, not wanting to give him a chance to try and run away again.
"I looked for you. For all of you. I looked everywhere and couldn't find a single trace of your family," you said, feeling the words start to bubble up from your chest. "I thought—I thought I was going crazy. It was so painful when I couldn't remember anything, and when I did," you paused, finding the need to compose yourself.
"When I did, all of you were already gone."
He kept quiet, though you can already see the strain that he was trying so hard to hold back beneath his front. You wished he would reach out to you, or that you could have the courage to do it yourself, but you felt so breakable at the moment and you doubt he is any different.
"Renjun—"
"You weren't supposed to see any of us again," he finally said before you could let out another word. "None of us were good for you so we had to disappear from your life. I—," he paused, his Adam's apple bobbing.
"I had to go before I can hurt you even more."
You looked at him silently, torn between the emotions that were pulling you into different directions all at the same time. You would be lying if you say you haven't wished for this moment to come or how you've rehashed again and again in your head what you've wanted to say to any of them in years. You were angry. Hurt. Lonely. He and his family ruined your life and stole your peace, then left you hanging. You hate how things turned out to be... but most of all you loathe yourself for not being able to hate them. Him.
"If I can, I would have let you go if that's what's really going to make you happy…"
You internally flinched as the last words he said that day came rushing to your memories. It sounded so clear in your head that it felt like it only happened yesterday.
"Then why?" You asked in a whisper. "Why did you have to come back now… After so long?"
The look of pain and guilt that crossed his face was undeniable. When he glanced away, you were sure that it was a question he was also fighting with himself.
"I wanted to just… See you," his voice, though strained, was honest and raw. "It was wrong of me, I know that. It has been so long and I just wanted to have you close again, even for just a bit."
You let his answer sink in. Oddly, the erratic beating of your heart has started to slow down just as soon as it started, as if his admission has taken off a weight in your chest that you have been carrying for years. There was one question resting on the tip of your tongue that you needed to say, or else, you feel like he’ll slip through your fingers again.
"Do you like me?"
Renjun paused before slowly raising his eyes to meet yours again. For a second he looked scared, but the expression slowly morphed into that of resolution as he saw the look on your face. At that moment, it truly hit you just how much he’s changed in the years that have passed. This was no longer the boy you once knew, but the man he was always meant to be.
"No. I don't. I love you.”
“Even after all these years."
"Even from a distance."
The way your heart jumped to your throat left you at a loss for words. It was like the ground beneath you and everything else around you dissolved, leaving you and him pinned in a slice of time that none of you really wanted to escape.
“It took me years to try and see you again because I know how much I've hurt you. But it's not just that," he continued, his eyes telling of the words he can't phrase. "I was broken. I thought for a time that I must only want you because of how I am, but I was wrong. If there's one thing I realized, it's that I love you… Both in my brokenness and wholeness."
"If you do, then why did you run away from me?"
"I didn't want to mess up your life anymore."
"You didn't really make it better by not being beside me for the last five years."
This time, it was him who looked taken aback. Slowly, his eyes lowered, only to rest for the first time on your vacant ring finger.
"You were wrong… for what you and your brothers did to me…" you said, your gaze still on him as he seemed to process things. "All of you messed up my life. I did try to go back to living it, but I couldn't anymore no matter how much I tried. I didn't deserve any of it, even if none of you knew better back then. I hate what you did to me."
"But I also hate how you're not with me."
Renjun's face was pale as his eyes remained plastered on your hand. You could almost hear the gears working in his head, but you didn't wait for him to say anything. He didn’t have to. Silently, you took a step back to put more distance between the two of you.
"You are right. Maybe it is better for us to not cross paths again," you said as you reached out for your bag. "I'll talk to the owner of the school and the principal to retract my application. I… don't want to be in the way. It was nice seeing you again, Renjun."
You have already started walking towards the door when you suddenly felt a warm, strong hand grab yours. Turning around, you looked at him, surprised by the unexpected contact.
"You're not married?"
You had to process his question again before finally replying.
"No. My fiance and I went our separate ways years ago."
The way his eyes glazed over before darkening a little left you feeling increasingly more torn. When you tried to pull your hand away, his fingers only gently tightened around yours.
"Don't go."
"What?"
"Don't go. The school head won't just cut your signed contract."
"You don't know that—"
"I do. Because I won't let you."
Your eyes widened. Slowly, the pieces started fitting in your head. The orphanage… the kids…
The painting in his office.
"You… own Raven Oaks…"
Renjun's gaze dropped to your hand that he was still holding.
"I started it because I wanted to save other kids from what me and my brothers suffered from before. It was my way of repenting for what our family did to everyone… and to you," he said, his eyes moving upwards to roam your face. You felt your throat start to close up as you listened.
"When I saw your file in my office, I thought I was dreaming. I was supposed to let you go… but I couldn't stop myself. I just wanted to see you again quickly before letting you live your life again free of me."
Your heart had started thundering in your chest once more. You wanted to look away from the intensity of his gaze but couldn't find it in yourself to do it. No. This time, you want to match his fire with yours.
"And now? Did you change your mind?"
Instead of answering, Renjun fixed you with a look that made you feel like he was looking through your soul. Slowly, he pulled you in, his hold on you gentle but firm as his other hand moved to wrap around your waist. You were surprised by the fact that instead of freezing in his arms, you melted against him immediately, like you've always been meant to be there.
"Do you like me?" He asked in a low voice as he looked down on you. The way his gaze touched your face made you feel so vulnerable in front of him that you knew lies have no place in this moment. You felt open... bare...
You were iridescent in his eyes.
And so was he in yours.
"I don't know…"
"Do you want to be with me?" He asked a different question, his voice softer this time. You knew he was trying to help you figure out your answer, his hand cupping your cheek gently. You didn’t even need to think twice before giving an answer.
"Yes."
Your voice, steady and clear, made him finally smile. Renjun had changed so much, but in that moment, you can still see the boy who had loved you in the past in the only way he knew how. Your feelings for him are complicated—changing from different angles—but as he held you now, lips only a few inches from yours, there was one thing you can be sure of.
You finally being here with him makes all the sense in the world.
"That's fine. We have time to figure it out…” he said, giving you a smile that you’ve dreamt so many times before. You returned it, slowly and full of hope.
"Together?"
You asked.
"Together."
He promised.
*******
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