#fic:winter solace

[floralseokjin]

⊶ winter solace (m). ⊷

After a difficult few months (and years), a fresh start in a new city is both equal parts thrilling and terrifying, but you’re determined to make it work. It’s just you and your dog-sized cat Nox, ready to take on the world. Of course along the way there are ups, and there are downs. The main down being you’re short on cash after the big move, unable to spend Christmas with your family. The main up is your kind and thoughtful neighbour who offers to celebrate the holiday with you, despite not being a fan of it himself… 

A part of the Happy Ho-lidays collab found here! Please look forward to everyone’s stories, they’re going to be amazing!! 

⤑ read over on ao3 here

pairing; kim seokjin x f reader               genre; strangers to friends to lovers, neighbours to lovers, slow burn, holiday & new year, divorced! reader, romance, minor/moderate angst, smut (excessive amounts of kissing, oral sex (female receiving), big dick talk, protected sex)  words; 27,066

trigger warning (!) this story contains talk of a past emotionally manipulative/abusive relationship. It also contains mentions of anxiety, depression and loneliness. 

jordan’s note; I worked very hard on this big guy (although, it’s possibly the first time I overestimated the wordcount?? NUTS). I hope everyone who gets a chance to read enjoys <33 

ONE

The first time you meet Seokjin, Nox has just escaped. 

It’s your own stupid fault. You’d left the front door ajar after a deep clean and a small make over. (Which involved a beautiful artificial flower wreath you found browsing Etsy two weeks ago…) For some reason, you forgot that this is a new and strange place for him. It’s a new and strange place for you too, but you wanted to move here – the other side of the country. Nox didn’t really have a choice in the matter, being a cat and all. You’d done your research, keeping him cosy in one room for the entire weekend, until hopefully he started to relax a bit and get around to the idea of his new home. And that’s what did happen, or so you thought… You’d let him explore a little more, gave him his favourite wet food, and then watched him fall asleep on his favourite cream fleecy radiator bed. 

However now, he is nowhere to be seen, and you have no idea how long ago he made his great escape. It could have been two minutes ago, it could have been ten. At that thought, intense panic washes over you. You need to stay calm. Everything about this move has been successful. Your flight didn’t have much turbulence, the removal van got here with perfect timing, you didn’t cry as much as you were expecting when your parents left last night… No, as soon as you get out the door, Nox will be there, greeting you with his little chirp and brushing himself against your leg: Hey, mom, let’s go for a walk. 

Only that’s not the case. 

Finding the hallway empty, you come over all funny. You know you’re panicking, you can feel it, hear your heart thudding aggressively inside your chest, but it also feels like you’re not inside your body properly. As if this feeling right now isn’t real. Even as you call out his name, an explosion of possible worst-case scenarios whooshing past your mind’s eye, you can’t seem to grasp the reality of the situation. Which is probably why you’re still by your front door, unmoving, when you hear an unfamiliar male voice to the left of you. It’s coming from the stairwell. 

“Are you looking for this big guy?” 

Whipping your head around, you see a tall man walking towards you, Nox tucked underneath his right arm looking oddly small. His long, bushy tail is flicking back and fore, but not in the angry way it sometimes does, which is surprising considering the circumstances right now. 

“NOX!” you shout, relief flooding over you immediately. Your legs finally remember how to work as you dash towards your cat (and the stranger). You reach for him – Nox, not the stranger – bundling him into your chest like a baby. “Oh, my god, Nox! You frightened me!” You are aware you’re out of breath and verging on dramatic, but right now you don’t really care. The thought of losing Nox, especially after everything, was obviously too much to comprehend. 

Nox begins to purr, nuzzling into the crook of your neck, and you look up at his rescuer to find he’s slightly blurry. You blink, embarrassed that you’ve welled up, and smile. “Thank you,” you tell him, although a simple thanks seems not enough to convey your gratitude. 

“No need,” he says, waving his hand. You can’t see most of the stranger’s face due to the mask he’s wearing, but his eyes crinkle up, letting you know he’s smiling. He tilts his head, looking down at Nox. “I think he was exploring, found him prowling the staircase.” Then he chuckles. “Thought my eyes were deceiving me. Are you sure he’s a domestic cat?”

You laugh along. You get that quite a lot actually. Nox is practically the size of a small dog. He can look more like a wild animal to others than a house cat. It doesn’t help that he’s pure black too, adds to the fear factor. 

“I’m Jin, by the way,” the stranger says, extending his hand. “I’m your neighbour.” You take his hand and introduce yourself too. “I’m sorry I haven’t said hi sooner, I just wanted to wait until you were settled first.” 

“Oh, that’s okay.” 

The idea of meeting your neighbour(s) had made you nervous for some reason, but now you’re so shaken up from the sudden disappearance of Nox it almost doesn’t register. The man – your neighbour – Jin – starts talking again. “What did you say his name was? Nox?” You make eye contact and a part of your brain, somewhere right at the back, notes how pretty his eyes are. Dark brown and almond shaped, shiny. Or maybe that’s just the overhead lighting... “Sorry, I’m presuming he,” he adds as an afterthought, waiting for you to correct him if needs be. 

“You’ve presumed right,” you nod, feeling slightly self-conscious for an odd moment. The panic of whether you’re conversing properly or if you’ve forgotten everything you know about human interaction. You make yourself relax and smile. “And yeah, he’s called Nox.”

Jin smiles again, some hair swooping into his eyes as he leans down to be eye level with your cat. His hair is also a dark brown, so dark in fact, it looks black in certain places. He’s in a suit, you note as well, as if that’s of any importance. “Hello, Nox,” he greets in a gentle murmur. “Suits you.” You watch as he holds out the back of his hand, waiting to see if Nox greets him back. 

The action makes you smile. Most of the time the average person will treat a cat like a dog, hands all over the place the first chance they get. Appreciatively, Nox nudges his nose against Jin’s knuckles, then his forehead. Taking this as a good sign, Jin ever so carefully strokes his head once with the side of a finger. Then again when Nox pushes him for more. 

Jin laughs to himself, the smitten kind, and you feel proud. Nox is little (big) heart stealer. You want to ask Jin how he managed to get Nox to come to him, but you can’t get the words out. You watch him straighten up, giving Nox a little tickle under the chin, and then his eyes are back on you. “He’s sort of heavy. What breed is he?”

You chuckle. Nox is heavy, but you’re used to it. Even so, the reminder subconsciously makes you shift him in your arms. “He’s a Maine Coon,” you reply, and Jin makes a small ah noise. He gives Nox a few more gentle pets, and to your surprise Nox begins to purr. Quietly, but it’s there. “He likes you.” 

Jin’s eyes crinkle up again as you start walking together. “That’s a nice thought.” Your door is first, and Jin hovers for a moment as you say your goodbyes, you thanking him once again for bringing Nox back. “It’s really no problem,” he assures. “Have a nice evening. I guess I’ll see you around, neighbour.” 

On the phone to your mother that night you relay your frightening ordeal with Nox the Escapee Cat, of course not forgetting to mention your Good Samaritan neighbour who came to your rescue… 

 //

 The second time you meet Seokjin is a few days later. Although embarrassingly you don’t recognise him at first. 

It’s a Saturday, early afternoon, and you’re coming back from a museum trip. You’ve spent the week exploring the city – once again. For a while, this was your family’s favourite vacation spot, so from the ages of nine to twelve you spent a couple of weeks out of the year here. Your memory was hazy, obviously, it being so long ago, but you’ve spent the last few days recalling so much it’s made you nostalgic. 

Heading into the building, you decide to take the elevator, which is unlike you considering you’re mildly terrified of them. But Nox is waiting for you at home, and you want to spend the next day and a half with him, knowing that come Monday he’ll be alone for a large portion of the day as you start your new job. You’re nervous about it, but thankfully he’s finally gotten used to his new home, so you’ve told yourself to be positive about the next step. He’ll be fine. He has his automatic feeder all set up, and of course he learned exceptionally quickly what time to await his kibble… 

It may sound boring but you’re looking forward to doing nothing for the weekend before your life starts up again. What with moving and sightseeing you haven’t really had much time to relax. Well, that’s a semi lie… There has been a lot of Netflix in bed come 10pm. It’s only been a week but you’ve already found out that living on your own is the dream. It’s the first time you’ve ever done such a thing. You spent college life in shared dorms or rooming with friends, and once you graduated you moved in with Ben pretty much straight away. Being just shy of thirty probably means the idea of starting anew again should be daunting – and you should add, divorced and staring anew – but it’s really anything but. For the first time in years you can just do whatever you want. 

A bowl of cheesy ramen at near midnight? In bed? It’s becoming a regular thing. Binging any TV series you want? Trash or otherwise? Also in bed? Every night! Nox cuddled up with you while you do both those things? Of course! They’re simple joys but joys you could never do when with Ben. Eating in bed was ‘gross’ and ‘the cat’ wasn’t allowed on your bed. He always had to be awake early for work, so watching television in bed was a definite no. When you did watch shows together it was always what he wanted to watch, because according to him your tastes were too ‘immature’ and ‘silly’. Despite your happiness at the simple things now, it’s hard not to remember these memories…

It’s been six months since you asked for a divorce, and two since it became official, but you often hear his voice as if he’s still right beside you, living with you… Your best friend says that will eventually disappear, and you know she’s right, you just wish it would happen sooner. You want to be free from him for good, but these things take time you guess. Still, you try not to dwell on those thoughts. He’s not going to ruin your new life, he already ruined so much of the original one… So yes, a few niggles aside, living on your own is the dream. 

There’s a man with a bike waiting in front of the elevator, and lost in thought, you don’t notice him turn back slightly and shoot you a friendly smile as you near. However, once you hear him greet you by your name, he has your full attention. A little confused – no, scrap that, very confused – you glance over. Perplexity must be written all over your face because he chuckles. “You don’t recognise me?” he asks. “It’s me, Jin!”

“Oh.” Of course. You are such an idiot. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” you rush to apologise, hand over your mouth. The elevator opens and he motions for you to step in first. Mortified, you do, hearing Jin push his bike inside behind you. In your defence, you had been majorly distracted during your first meeting. Distracted enough to forget what your next-door neighbour looks liked apparently… 

“It’s fine,” he reassures, laughing as he unclips his helmet. “I did have a mask on last time, you only saw my eyes.” 

“Right,” you agree, laughing along quietly. You’re still embarrassed though. He hits the button for your floor – the top one – and you take the opportunity to familiarise yourself with the features you hadn’t seen last time. 

His eyes are definitely how you remembered them (or apparently didn’t remember them…), dark and shiny, just like his hair. His face is flushed partially, the warm beige of his unfairly blemish free skin reddened in certain places – which come to think of it, it is pretty hot inside here. From the side he looks angular, his jaw sharp, but when he faces you head on, it appears softer, his cheeks round, and they only seem to bunch up more when he smiles. He has very full lips and the arch of his eyebrows are so near perfect it puts yours to shame instantly. He’s a good-looking man, that much is obvious, but at the same time there’s something about him that doesn’t make that fact intimidating. He’s not in a suit today, which might make sense considering it’s the weekend. Instead he’s in a light blue sweatsuit ensemble. You’re in two minds whether or not to ask him where he got it from. 

Before you can decide, and before you even have a chance to get anxious about riding in an elevator, the ding rings out to indicate you’ve arrived at your floor. The doors open, and this time you motion for him to leave first.  He backs out with his bike, waiting for you, and you walk back to your homes together.

“Listen, about last time…” you begin, feeling the need to apologise. “Sorry if I came across a little unfriendly, I had a shock with the runway cat.” You do things like this sometimes, rethink conversations repeatedly in your head until you’re sure you acted like an idiot or made a bad impression. It doesn’t help that you basically forgot what he looked like, too… He probably thinks you’re so ignorant! 

Instead though, he sounds baffled. “Why on earth would you think you were unfriendly?” 

You shrug, averting eye contact to look at the floor. When you reach your door, he stops too. “I was just worried, that’s all, what with Nox. I felt as if I wasn’t as engaged as I could’ve been. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself he went missing…or worse.” You immediately regret babbling on. Again, you do this sometimes. Either forgetting how to talk at all, or unnecessarily oversharing. 

Jin, however, nods sympathetically. “I get that. They become a big part of your life. We had our family dog for nearly eighteen years. I was so attached, cried for days after he went.” Then, as if he’s had his own case of accidental oversharing, he makes a face. “Sorry, didn’t mean to turn things morbid.” 

You laugh softly, shaking your head as if to say that’s okay. “It’s not the same, but a couple of months ago I thought I was going to lose Nox. It’s a long, crazy story but basically it involved a custody battle.” 

“A custody battle?” Jin raises one very perfect eyebrow, intrigued, yet confused at the same time, but instead of pushing for an answer, he makes a joke. “Now that sounds like a movie. You should try pitching the idea.” 

“I’m pretty sure my life is way too depressing to be a movie,” you smile, adding: “There’d be people asking for their money back.” Oh god, there you go again. You’ve just gone past the limits of oversharing, surely? Now you’re probably just making him feel uncomfortable. “Sorry,” you feel the need to say. 

Jin just gives you a small smile, plump lips tilting at one corner. There’s something warm about his eyes, making your embarrassment float away. “How is the big guy anyway? Nox. Has he grown even more?”

“Maybe,” you laugh. “He’s only two. Sometimes Maine Coons keep growing until they’re 5 years old.” 

“Really?” he awes. “I’ve never seen one before. In real life, I mean. He’s really uh, majestic, is that the right word?” You nod, that’s the perfect word. “He’s handsome,” Jin adds. 

“He is.” Every time you talk about Nox you can’t help but grin. Ben used to call you weird for being so proud of him, and for even loving him as much as you do. He’s just a dumb cat, he’d say. Which made it even more infuriating that he attempted to ‘claim’ Nox in the divorce. Still grinning, you say to Jin: “He was super cute as a kitten though.” 

“Do you have pictures?” he asks, sounding hopeful – and genuine. A person who loves animals is always a good indicator of who they really are. 

“My cell needs charging,” you tell him regrettably. “I can show you next time?” 

“I won’t forget,” he teases, then changes the subject. “How are you liking it here?”

“It’s lovely. Really quiet.” 

“Right?” he agrees. “That’s why I love it. The people are nice too. Will you be going to the HOA meeting next week?” 

“I kind of have to,” you say nervously. “Need to make a good impression.” It’ll be the first time you meet everyone who lives in the building. So far, you’ve only met the president of the HOA, Mr. Lee – obviously – and his husband. Jin, twice, and then a friendly couple with two small children who live on the first floor. Embarrassingly, you can’t remember their names. 

Jin gives you another little smile, there’s something really genuine about it, as is his voice. “Everyone will love you, I’m sure.” 

 //

 You are beyond nervous when your first HOA meeting finally rolls around. You know there’s no reason to be, this place is a fairly small complex and you’ve already been reassured by Steve – Mr. Lee – that everyone here is friendly and helpful. The comradeship is something they really prides themselves on, so any worries you feel are definitely down to your own anxieties. You keep telling yourself that as you make your way down to the ground floor, where the meeting room is. The meeting doesn’t begin until another ten minutes, but you wanted to get there early to avoid walking in on too many people.

Stepping inside almost feels like you’re starting school again, awkward as you look around. There’s only a handful of people so far, so at least your plan has started off well. The rest of it involves finding a seat right at the back, wanting as little attention on you as possible, although you do realise that Steve will introduce you to all the fellow residents. You’re probably number one on his agenda, and that thought alone makes you break out into a cold sweat. No better time to worry about how your voice sounds or how your smile looks… 

Someone catches your attention, sat in the middle of the rows of chairs, but on the end. Jin waves you over, a large smile on his face, and there you have it, you guess you’re not sitting at the back… 

“I saved you a seat,” he tells you as you approach him. 

“Thanks Jin, you didn’t have to.” Sitting down, you pull the hem of your cardigan down self-consciously, a little anxious to look around, so you keep your focus on Jin. You feel comfortable around him for some reason, he has that sort of aura. Especially when he shoots you a reassuring smile. 

“I didn’t want you to be nervous. I know my first meeting was pretty daunting. Everyone was either married with kids or really, really old,” he laughs. Then cheekily adds: “I’m just happy you remember who I am this time.” 

That makes you laugh too, briefly helping you forget the fuss you’ve made over this meeting. However, as the room starts to fill, you feel your nerves slowly starting to creep back. Ben used to call you a nervous wreck. Sometimes he would say it in an affectionate way, as if he found it cute, but most of the time he’d sound fed up, as if you were some kind of burden. You had gotten used to that feeling over the years, being a hinderance to him. The funny thing was you’d never been much of an anxious person back in school and college, it was only after graduation did it seem to set in. The stress and strains of looking for employment, being an official adult, that’s what Ben had said. 

When you see Steve stand to begin the meeting you have to take a few deep breaths. Jin must notice because when you glance at him he gives you another sweet smile. You make yourself relax; this meeting really is no big deal. You’re introduced first, just as you guessed, and everyone is lovely, proving your point that you did indeed have nothing to be worried about. Then it’s down to business as usual, Steve discussing ongoing projects and charity events. Informing you all that the gym will be closed for three days next week for maintenance, which you note, Jin seems a little disappointed by.

The meeting is short but packed, and at the end Steve gives everyone a chance to ask anything if they want. A small elderly woman in the front speaks up. “Steven, if you don’t mind. I have a query.” 

“Sure, Elise What is it?” 

“Well, it’s just I’ve noticed the new girl—” Steve cuts in with your name to help remind her, but she completely disregards it. You start to feel a little funny. “—she has a cat. A great, big thing. I’ve seen her walking it.” 

“Right,” Steve says, sounding unsure now. 

The way she talks about Nox gives you a sinking feeling, but instead of worry, it’s more like a sharp pang of annoyance. You feel yourself stiffen, expression hardening. 

“Well, I know there’s a weight limit on dogs here. That thing has to be the size of one.” 

“He’s under the size limit,” you speak up. You’d already read through the bylaws – three times. 

“Yes, Elise,” Steve speaks up. “There’s really no issue.” 

Bluntly, she replies, “I don’t like cats. They make a mess in my flower beds.” 

Remember what you said about a person loving animals? The complete opposite also tells you what type of person they are. Anger rises. “My cat is always indoors unless I’m walking him, and to put your mind at ease I can assure you he’s nowhere near your flower beds,” you hear yourself say sharply. You’re shaking. Sticking up for yourself – or in this case someone you love – always seems to have this effect. She doesn’t regard you, doesn’t even turn to look at you. 

From your side, you hear Jin say politely, “He’s a beautiful cat, Mrs. Rivera. I’ve already met him, he’s lovely.” 

“I don’t like cats,” she repeats, blunter this time, if possible. 

“Then that’s very unfortunate.” 

The tone of Jin’s voice shocks you so much you have to turn to look at him. He’s still being polite, on the surface, but there’s an edge to it that even you pick up on, and you don’t know him well at all. He glances at you, his face a little flushed, and you give him a grateful smile. He looks pleased, giving you a supportive nod. 

“Right, well,” Steve coughs, clearing his throat. There’s a pause and then gathers his paperwork. “If that’s all, I guess this meeting is over.” 

. 

.

You walk back with Jin in silence. You’re still a little shaken to be honest, but childishly pleased that Jin (and by extension, you) had the last word. 

“Ignore her,” Jin finally says as you reach your door. This is becoming a habit, chatting outside before you enter. “She likes being miserable.” 

“Did I make a fool out of myself?” you blurt out before you can stop yourself. 

“What? No. Of course not,” he replies, frowning a little. “I think you handled it really well. Sorry if it felt like I was butting in towards the end.” 

“You weren’t,” you smile, easing up. “I really appreciated it… Maybe because I was two seconds away from cussing her out.” 

That genuinely makes him laugh, a deep sound, and you join in. “I wish that was an option,” he bemoans. “I was brought up to ‘always respect my elders.’” 

Your lips quirk. “They make it hard sometimes, right? Oh, god, I’m going to hell.” 

“Then I guess I’ll be going with you. I was going to suggest showing Nox the flower beds tomorrow.” 

You laugh together, feeling silly, and slightly mean, but it feels good. You put your key into the door, glancing at him. “Do you want to say hi to him?” 

Jin’s face lights up. “Sure.” 

“Nox!” you call once you’ve opened the door, and it only takes a few seconds for him to patter out of the spare (his) room. He bounds towards you and then brushes up against your leg, pleased to see you. 

“He’s not going to try and escape again, is he?” Jin asks, sounding a little worried. 

You shake your head. “He’s gotten used to everything now.” You lean down, stroking under Nox’s chin. “Haven’t you, good boy?” He purrs in reply, and Jin chuckles. 

“So, are you from around here?” he asks once you straighten up, Nox now beginning to weave in and out of your legs. “Sorry, I just assumed you were and never asked.” 

“No, try across country,” you laugh. “I used to vacation here with my family when I was child. I always loved it.” 

Nox is now weaving in and out of Jin’s legs, rubbing his head against his shin. “It is a nice place to live, but I guess when you’ve been here for the majority of your life the novelty sort of wears off.” 

“That’s true,” you agree. You feel that way about back home too, or maybe you just wanted to escape the bad memories… 

Jin crouches, letting Nox boop the back of his hand before he starts to stroke him. “Does he mind being on his own when you go to work?” 

“At first he was a little anxious.” 

Thankfully this week had gone fine. You were working at the office for three days a week, Monday to Wednesday, so hopefully Nox would soon get used to it and into a routine. As long as you were home for cuddles in the evenings, he’s a happy boy. 

“What do you do?” Jin asks, looking up at you as he tickles behind Nox’s ear. 

“I’m a writer.” 

“Oh, wow. What kind of writing?” 

He seems genuinely interested, surprisingly. “Nothing important,” you reply self-effacingly. “Websites, blogs, newsletters. That kind of thing.” 

He smiles softly. “Sounds important to me. Do you like it?” He stands as he talks, Nox beginning to rub against his leg again. 

“Yeah, of course. I mean, it’s different this time round, working for a firm. Back home I was freelance and was working from home all the time. I almost forgot what it’s like to interact with people,” you joke. 

“Oh? I work at home most of the time. It can get lonely, right?” he asks, and you nod. Smiling down at Nox, he adds, “Maybe I should babysit this big baby for company…” 

“He’d probably like that,” you say with a grin, if his purr was anything to go by right now. “But yeah, I only work remotely two days a week now.” 

Working a normal 9 to 5 for a good portion of the week is going to take some getting used to, but so far, so good. Freelance was nice but you wanted something a little more reliable this time around what with the big move. That and you needed to meet people, make friends…feel like you again. It’s a big change, but then again, the entire year has been one. 

“I’m jealous. I’m pushing 4 days a week now. Am only in the office on Mondays.” 

“And what do you do?” you ask, realising you haven’t asked him yet. Talking about yourself for too long makes you anxious anyway. 

“Accountant. Totally fun.” 

That makes you laugh, which in turn makes him laugh. Nox continues purring. 

TWO

It takes a few weeks for the reality of living on your own to set in. The joy you felt at the beginning slowly starts to wear off – and not because you don’t enjoy or want to live on your own. No, that part’s still amazing. It’s more so the expenses of living on your own. An orthodontist, Ben’s salary was exceptionally more than yours. You never had money worries when you were with him, never had to make note of your monthly expenses, and most definitely never had to worry about dipping into your savings. Embarrassingly, you took all those things for granted, and while the divorce had been kind to you in ways – it had enabled you to move into your very cosy condo and purchase a new (well, second hand) car – you soon found out how expensive living on your own could be. It’s not as if you’re struggling, you pay your bills on time, you can buy groceries, but things that you were used to doing back home, like eating out and buying yourself new clothes, can no longer be done. Nox has even had to settle for a cheaper brand of wet food, because you can no longer justify the cost of the one he loves – the very expensive one. Also, instead of eating ramen as a naughty treat in bed, you now eat it in an attempt to save money. 

The reality is a little depressing, but you always try to remind yourself you have lived through worse. Just because you had a comfortable life with Ben money wise, did not mean it was comfortable in other ways. And it’s not like you don’t have any savings at all. You do, you’re just very aware that if you keep ‘borrowing’ from them, they will eventually run out. That thought worries you, makes you anxious, unable to sleep at night. That money is all you have. Your life savings. It had already taken a dent during the divorce when you had to repay Ben the entire cost of Nox – and extras. That had been the worst part of your separation. That Ben could want to hurt you so bad like that. It may sound stupid, but out of everything he had done to you, that had been the most unforgivable. That had made you hate him… 

Learning to be frugal with your money doesn’t always work out well, though. Around the beginning of November your best friend comes to visit you for the first time, along with her girlfriend. You’re so pleased to see them, a reminder of the part of your former life you want to keep hold of. You spend the weekend showing them around the city, eating at restaurants and getting take-outs. Going for drinks. You haven’t gone out for drinks in so long. You haven’t gotten drunk in so long! So money is the last thing on your mind when you’re out having fun with friends. 

You don’t even bat an eyelid when you clamber into the elevator on the way back home. Fear? You don’t know him. All thanks to a little something called tequila. All three of you giggle as you drop your keys onto the floor, as if it’s the funniest thing in the world. When you grab them and stand again, you happen to see someone coming from the stairs. A great big grin spreading across your face. 

“Jin, hi!” 

He looks lost in thought, even jumps a little when he hears his name being called – although, you did yell it pretty loudly. When he sees you, he eases into a small smile. There’s something off about it though. He looks a little downcast, even in your drunken state you can see that. He’s always so cheerful and smiley, it’s what you’ve gotten used to, and even as he approaches you, smile now showing teeth, it doesn’t hit his eyes. They’re not sparkling tonight. He’s dressed really smart though. A cream cable knit under his black overcoat, dark hair swept back, and you can smell his cologne strong, earthy and sweet. He looks amazing, and for a moment you’re just stood there staring at him, keys in hand. 

“Hey,” he says, politely engaging your friends too. “Did you go out tonight?” 

His question jumpstarts you. “Yeah, we went for drinks. Um, these are my friends,” you introduce. “Maddie, she’s been my best friend since college, and Ara. She’s Maddie’s girlfriend.” 

Jin smiles in their direction. “Nice to meet you both.” 

“This is my neighbour, Seokjin,” you tell your friends, although you can’t look Maddie in the eyes. You can just sense what she’s thinking right now. She already knows about Jin – or, Seokjin, as you know him now. The first thing she’d wanted to know when you moved in was what your neighbour was like… 

Over the past few weeks you’ve become neighbourly friends, or probably you should just call it being neighbours. You only know he’s called Seokjin because some of his mail accidentally got delivered to you instead, it wasn’t like he told you specifically, however, since you brought it up, he’s said you can call him whatever you like. You like both, so you use both. Every Monday morning you ride the elevator together on your way to work. Seokjin only works Mondays unless he’s needed at the office. Actually, the first time you bumped into one another you were making a beeline for the stairs, but unbeknownst to your little irrational fear, he waited for you at the elevator. It’s okay when you’re riding it with him. You use the short journey to your cars to get to know one another. Interests, hobbies, irrelevant details about your life. Jin likes playing video games and as a kid his dream was to become a detective. You on the other hand, have just taken up embroidery again and when you were eight you broke your arm. You sometimes bump into him throughout the week too, mostly when he’s going to or from the gym. One time you even saw him at the park while walking Nox, and he introduced you to his best friend. It feels good to be able to do the same now, you know, so you’re not his weird hermit neighbour who just goes to work and walks her cat. 

“Oh, we’ve heard about you,” Maddie says in some type of knowing tone that makes you want to throttle her. You have not spoken about him anymore than what she’s asked. She’s dangerous. Especially when drunk. 

Seokjin chuckles nervously, his eyes flicking back and fore from her to you. “All good things I hope.” 

“I’m afraid we can’t tell you that.” 

“Okay, let’s get inside,” you rush with a laugh, probably sounding as awkward as you feel. 

“Bye Jiiiin,” Maddie sings as you shove your key into the door. 

“Yes, bye Jin!” Ara joins in, a smirk on her face. 

You push them both inside before turning back to him, apology written all over your face hopefully, but you can’t help but laugh. “I’m sorry, we’re drunk.” 

He laughs too, a short but warm laugh, his cheeks growing lines. He looks a lot happier now, and you feel like maybe this little encounter has cheered him up from whatever had made him feel down. “I’ll see you Monday morning?” 

You nod, giving him a wave before you rush inside, because you know what’s coming. You just know. 

“PHWOAR,” Maddie says right on cue. “You didn’t tell us your neighbour looked like that.” 

You narrow your eyes at her. “I didn’t think it would interest you.” You must have missed the part where she suddenly found men attractive. 

“I’m only thinking of my best friend,” she smiles sweetly, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. 

“Maddie, stop,” you whine, shrugging her away to kick your heels off. She’s been trying to encourage you to date for a while now, even while your divorce was still in progress (as if that would look good), but you’re not at all interested. After being in a relationship for six years, married for four, finding someone new is the last thing on your mind. Plus, it’s Jin! How would he feel hearing this? Maddie had already acted weird enough outside. 

“Is he single?” Ara asks. Great, now she’s started too! 

“I don’t know,” you shrug noncommittedly. He’s never brought anybody up in conversation, not that you’re going to tell them that. You walk to the sink, needing some water. Although you already feel like you’re sobering up. 

“Have you seen him with anyone,” Maddie snoops further. 

“No.” You gulp more than half the glass. “Why would I care anyway?” 

“He was dressed up. A date maybe?” Ara ponders. You turn to see Nox is in her arms. 

“Maybe.” But Maddie doesn’t seem too fond of that idea, shrugging it off to turn to you with wide, hopeful eyes. “Oh, please, wouldn’t it be amazing!” 

“What would?” you exclaim. You just had to laugh at how weird she’s being. “I don’t want to date anyone right now,” you say, hoping this time she’ll get it. “And if I did, it wouldn’t be my neighbour.” 

Maddie makes a face of defeat and lets out a sigh. “Fine!” 

You roll your eyes, rinsing your empty glass. “I knew I shouldn’t let you come visit. You’ll be trying to hook me up with the mailman next!” 

“Why, is he hot?” 

 //

 After Maddie and Ara leave you fall into an extreme bout of loneliness. When your mood is like this there’s really no stopping your brain from overthinking. All the progress you’ve made over the months seems to just disappear in the blink of an eye. Your life wasn’t supposed to end up like this. Divorced before you’re thirty, living off a budget, and all alone. You know people have it worse, but it still can’t stop you feeling the way you do. You contemplate your life decisions, going back and fore. You know separating from Ben was the best thing for you, but maybe moving across country wasn’t. In a bid to escape all the bad memories you’d ignored everyone’s concerns and hurried on with your impulsive plan. 

It’s not that you don’t like living here, you do, it’s just having no one around that you’re familiar with is taking its toll. Without your family, without your friends, it’s painfully lonely. How does someone even make new friends in their late twenties? Book clubs, yoga lessons? Cookery classes? Don’t get you wrong, the people in your office are lovely, but they’re either a little older than you, or quite a bit younger. The woman who’s your age is married with two children, and despite being friendly, that reminder of your past is a little too hard to ignore. It’s sad to think the closest thing you have to a friend is Seokjin, your neighbour. He probably doesn’t even feel the same way, despite him always being welcoming and down for conversation every time you bump into him in the hallway. 

It’s okay though. This slump you’re in will pass. It always does. You have Nox for company after all, and that’s definitely not a bad thing. 

THREE

Towards the middle of November you see snow for the first time in years. 

It’s beautiful, everything painted in white. It feels so Christmassy, your favourite time of year, and it always without fail picks your mood right up. You’ll soon be home for Christmas and that thought alone is keeping you functioning. Ben hated Christmas, he never enjoyed the festivities, no matter how hard you tried to get him to. Although, looking back you think it was another one of his ways to put you down. He always used to call you childish, drumming it into you that the holiday season was only for kids… 

A little after midday you get Nox into his coat and harness and take him outside. Each resident has a little patch of land to do with how they please, but there’s also shared gardens and a courtyard. You decide to take Nox for a little walk around the building, just to see what he thinks of the snow, taking a bunch of pictures to post onto your Instagram and send to everyone back home. You come across Seokjin in his garden building a snowman with a little boy you don’t recognise. The child immediately looks equal parts curious and frightened of the big black cat you’re holding on a lead. 

“Jin!” he cries, pointing a gloved index finger Nox’s way. “Look at that big cat! What is it?” He can’t be much older than four, swallowed by his puffer coat and his bobble hat so low you can just about see his eyes. 

Jin laughs, one you haven’t heard before. It’s affectionate, reserved just for this little kid. “You just said yourself. It’s a cat. He’s called Nox.” 

“Scared,” the child croaks out, so comically you almost laugh, but stop yourself, because he does genuinely look a little terrified. Face frozen, eyes wide, he steps behind Jin, holding onto his knees. “I’m scared, Jin.” 

Jin actually does laugh, turning to pick the child up. “There’s nothing to be scared of. He’s just like your kitty at home.” 

Another gloved point. “No. His ears are big.” 

With a defeated chuckle, Jin introduces you. “And what’s your name?” you ask the little boy, who quickly turns to rub his face against Jin’s shoulder. 

“Are you shy?” Jin teases before smiling your way. “This is my nephew Minjun.” 

“Oh, nice to meet you Minjun,” you say, watching him peek at you curiously. 

“Say hello,” Jin nudges gently. 

Instead, Minjun suddenly shouts “I’m four!” and holds up four fingers your way. 

“Are you?” you chuckle. “That seems like a big boy age. Nox is only two.” 

Minjun looks intrigued by that, eyeing Nox curiously. “I’m…bigger than him?” 

“Yeah you are, buddy,” Jin replies, setting him down on the ground again and lifting his hat in the process. Minjun might be the cutest kid you’ve ever seen. Chubby cheeks, pouty lips, the roundest, darkest eyes. 

“Is he still scary?” you ask. 

“Hm.” Minjun thinks hard. “Just little bit.” 

“He’s actually really friendly,” Jin says. “Want to pet him?” 

Ever so carefully, Minjun takes the plunge, his small hand stroking Nox’s head impressively gently. He looks up at you and grins, his two front teeth poking into his bottom lip. “Does he eat lots?”

“Sometimes.” 

“Does he like snow?”

“This is his first time seeing it, but I think he likes it.” 

“I see it loads!” Minjun looks over the moon to have one-upped Nox. It makes you and Seokjin both laugh. 

.

.

Nox loves the snow but you’re worried he might get too cold if he’s out in it any longer. Minjun is looking a little icy too, teeth beginning to chatter as he complains about not being able to feel his hands. He yells yes immediately when you ask if he wants hot chocolate back at your place, checking with Seokjin to see if it’s alright. You think Minjun just wants to hang out with Nox more. See? Nobody can resist him; they fall in love so quickly. Minjun helps you unclip his coat when you get inside, helpfully hooking it off the radiator for you so it can dry off. Then you make all three of you a hot chocolate – with whipped cream and mini marshmallows of course! 

“I lub hot chocolate,” Minjun glees, the top of his lip coated white. 

“Me too,” you agree, taking a sip. 

“Me three!” Seokjin joins in beside you, all sat at your small table together. Minjun falls about laughing as if his uncle is the funniest man to exist. 

While you drink and warm up, Minjun tells you more about himself. His favourite cartoons, who is best friend is at pre-school, and that he has a baby sister called Serin. You ask him if he’s excited for Christmas, and you get a very obvious yes before he then proceeds to reel off every present he’ll hopefully get. You listen enthusiastically, his excitement making you feel all fuzzy on the inside. He’s adorable, and he keeps saying your name in a really cute way. Just as he’s going into detail about a Spiderman Lego set he wants, complete with actions, Jin groans. 

“Please, no more holiday talk, buddy. It’s still November.” 

“Oh,” you say, chin leaning on the palm of your hand, “you’re one of those people.” 

He wrinkles his nose, fighting back a smile. “Those people? What is that supposed to mean?” You shake your head and laugh, but he won’t drop it making Minjun laugh too, although you’re fairly sure he doesn’t understand what’s going on. “No, come on. Explain, please.” 

“Those Ebenezer Scrooge types.” You say and Seokjin tucks his chin in with an offended huff. 

“Who is Ebisa Scroo?” Minjun pipes up, looking confused. 

“He’s just like your uncle, hates Christmas.” 

Minjun suddenly looks a little afraid. “Who is he? Does he live here?” 

“No, little guy, he’s fictional,” Jin laughs, but when Minjun doesn’t understand he rephrases it. “Made up. From a book.” 

“Hm.” Minjun thinks hard. “Like the Grinch? He hates Christmas and steals all the presents.” 

Eyes wide, incredibly offended now, Jin makes a loud noise. “Are you calling me ugly and green?!” 

“Yes!” Minjun yells, before looking over at you and screeching with laughter. 

.

.

After an hour or so they have to leave as Seokjin’s brother will be picking up Minjun soon. Sweetly, Minjun seems disappointed by this and requests that you zip up his coat and put on his bobble hat instead of his uncle. As much as Jin tries to tell him he doesn’t need to because he’s inside now and they only need to walk about twenty steps, Minjun won’t have it. As you’re helping him, knelt on the floor, he asks you curiously: “Are you my uncle’s new friend?” 

“Yes,” you nod, making sure to zip his coat right up under his chin just how he requested it. The answer comes easy, and you smile to yourself. Seokjin is your friend, you’re sure of that now. No more weird hang ups on issues that really aren’t that important at all. 

“Like kissy kissy friend?”

You splutter, unsure how to process what you’ve just heard. There’s a moment of silence, as if Seokjin is doing the same beside you and then he comes to your rescue. “Minjun Kim! You can’t ask that!” 

You chuckle, standing and reaching for Minjun’s hat, pushing it back so he can see properly. You glance at Jin and notice his face is a little red. “Sorry. I, uh… Kids come out with the craziest things.” 

“I-I didn’t mean to, Jin,” he apologises, lips in a pout as he looks up at his uncle. “It’s-It’s because she’s nice just like Skye.” 

Still watching Seokjin’s face you see his expression change. It’s brief, but he goes from embarrassed to tense in the blink of an eye, and then he steadies himself. He puts on a smile. “Come on, it’s time to go, buddy. Say goodbye.” 

Skye? You wonder who that is, has to be an ex for certain with that type of reaction. Seokjin has never spoken about relationships with you, not that he should of course, but you have mentioned Ben a few times by now, even if it’s not by name. You feel morbidly curious, and then guilty for being so nosey. 

Minjun turns to you. “Can I come see Nox again?” 

“Sure.” 

“And have hot chocolate?” 

You chuckle. “Of course.” Nox appears as if to say goodbye as well, and starts weaving in between your legs. 

“Minjun, don’t be so rude,” Jin scolds. 

Minjun, who is now on his knees tickling Nox’s chin, turns his head to his uncle, voice a whine. “But I like it here! I don’t want to go home!” 

 //

 That night you scroll through Instagram and see a post from Ben. He’s on a date by the looks of things, snapping a pic of the mystery woman across the restaurant table. You feel a pang of something. It’s not hurt and it’s definitely not jealousy. If anything, it’s concern. A horrible thought crosses your mind. She doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into. But then you backtrack. You always do this, make excuses for him even after everything. Even after he tried to take your damn cat! But you can’t stop it. 

Maybe it was you that was the issue. Maybe it was your fault he treated you like he did. Maybe he’d treat another woman absolutely perfectly… Or not. 

You know deep down that’s just who he is. You felt sorry for him for such a long time. The first time he’d told you about his childhood you’d cried for him. Now you wonder if all of it was even true. You don’t know how those type of people really work. What makes them the way they are. Maybe Ben just liked to control and you made it easy. Is that another excuse? Feels like it. You want to warn this stranger, but then would she even believe you? Ben was good at twisting things, making you look like that the bad one… 

Anger feels tight in your chest. Even after all this time he’s still here. You still follow him on Instagram, for crying out loud! He’s still there in your head, still there making you feel guilty for things you can’t control. Guilty for things that aren’t even to do with you. Nox climbs onto your lap as you’re lost in thought, and you blink, realising tears have formed in your eyes. You wipe them away, laughing weakly when Nox chases your hand with his head, wanting you to pet him. 

“Don’t worry, Nox,” you murmur, giving him want he wants. “He’s gone now. He’s going…”

You hit the unfollow button and then block him because you don’t want him following you either. It feels great, and you call Maddie to tell her the good news. 

FOUR

It’s December 8th and you’re crying so much your head hurts. 

You’re such an idiot. Of course flights for Christmas would be triple the price so close to the day. Anyone with a brain would know that. Everyone but you. You don’t even know what you’re crying about the most. The fact you can’t spend the holidays with your family, the one thing you’ve been holding onto these past few weeks, or the fact you feel so stupid it’s embarrassing. You’re clueless, never having needed to travel during the Christmas period before, so it had never crossed your mind just how inflated the cost of flights would be. What with travelling with Nox too, it was just out of the question now. Your savings would take too much of a hit and you can’t justify it. Maybe deep down you knew this would happen, who knows, you’ve been putting off searching flights for a while now. You just thought it was because spending large amounts of money made you nervous, but maybe all along it was because you weren’t ready to face the facts… Triple the price or not, you just couldn’t afford it… Not with the extra winter bills and Christmas gifts that need purchasing. 

Stupid. 

You hear Ben’s voice when you think of that word. It was something he said a lot. Often jokingly, but you knew he meant it, and when he did mean it, it was shouted at you in anger, and always during an argument that he initiated. You never started arguments, you avoided them at all costs, unsuccessfully most of the time. 

Devastatingly, you have to accept you’ll be celebrating the holiday alone this year. You can’t tell your parents the truth, your sister or brother either. They’ll just band together and buy you the tickets themselves, and you can’t allow that to happen, not after they helped you out with the divorce. So instead you tell them you’ll be spending it with a friend you made at work. She’s recently single, away from her family too, and could do with the company. It’s a stupid, horrible lie, but you need to do it. They’re sad about it but they understand, and that just makes you feel worse. Everything is depressing. The weather now that the snow has turned to sludge, your home with no decoration whatsoever, your sorry excuse for a life… In an attempt to make yourself feel better you order a Christmas wreath from Etsy and put it on your door as soon as it arrives. It doesn’t work, and you’ve wasted $30 that could’ve been saved. 

 // 

 You hear Seokjin’s voice call your name from somewhere behind you, the wind carrying it over, and your stomach sinks a little. It’s not that you’re avoiding him, but well, maybe you kind of are… Note to self: maybe walk Nox in a park that’s not five minutes away from where you and Seokjin both live. 

“Hey,” you smile as he catches up to you. He’s been running, still out of breath, hair line slightly sweaty – and in a t-shirt. In practically the middle of December. “Aren’t you freezing?” 

He chuckles, pulling out one earbud so you have his full attention. “Only a little.” Your eyes happen to glance at his chest, noticing how tight said t-shirt is on him, and for a moment you forget what you’re avoiding him for. “Can I walk with you?”

“I don’t want to interrupt you,” you tell him as he leans to give Nox a couple of small strokes. He chirrups in his direction, happy to see him. “Wouldn’t that make me a bad influence?”

“I’m practically done anyway.” He runs a hand through his hair. He always looks so different when his forehead’s on show. A lot more dangerous. Like that his looks are lot more intimating than usual. “I’m actually glad for the break,” he adds with a laugh. 

So just like that you start walking back home together. You wait for it, dreading it. 

“I didn’t see you Monday.” 

“I had to leave early,” you explain, an apologetic smile shot his way. That wasn’t entirely true though. You’d wanted to leave early. 

You wait some more. 

“So, booked your flights home yet?”

There it is. 

“Uh, no…” 

“How come?” You can’t bear to look his way, but he sounds confused. You’d already told him about your plans for Christmas a couple of weeks ago, maybe even less. Told him about how excited you were to see your family, your little nieces and nephews, your friends… 

You take a breath. “I’ve actually decided to stay here for the holidays.” There’s silence Jin’s end so you carry on. “I left booking too late and the prices are extortionate. I can’t justify that. It’s my own fault,” you laugh awkwardly, hoping it sounds natural. “Never been the most organised anyway, but now that I’m on my own it’s taking some getting used to.” 

After a few moments, you finally look at him, his quietness freaking you out. He’s frowning to himself, looking serious, more serious than you’ve ever seen before. “So…who will you be spending it with?” 

You force yourself to smile. “Myself. And Nox of course.” The look on Seokjin’s face is now unreadable, but you hope it’s not pity. You have a sinking feeling it is… “It’s fine,” you reassure him cheerily. “Honestly. It’s just one day.” 

A day you always looked forward to each year. 

A day that no matter what always made you happy. 

 //

 A few hours later there’s a knock at your door. When you open it Seokjin is there, his hair half wet as if he’s recently come out the shower. He’s wearing sweatpants and a Super Mario t-shirt, sliders on his feet. “Hey,” he says with a slight smile on his face. “Can I come inside a sec?”

You nod, moving to the side so he can step in. “What is it? Need to borrow a charger again?” 

“No,” he chuckles softly. Nox pads over to greet him. “Hi, big guy.” Seokjin glances at you, he looks a little worried. Or maybe nervous? You’re unsure, you’ve never seen him like this before. “I have a proposition for you.” Then he shakes his head. “That sounded weird.” 

“Just a little,” you laugh. You wait, but he doesn’t elaborate. “So…? The proposition?” 

“Oh, yeah, right,” he stumbles. Straightening up, he rubs the back of his neck. “Spend Christmas with me,” he blurts out. 

Your jaw practically drops. “Seokjin, what?” 

“I’m being serious,” he insists, sounding a little emotional when he continues. “I can’t bear the thought of you being alone at the holidays. Especially after you were so excited to go home.” 

You know he’s only been kind, but defensively you see it as pity. “I won’t be alone, I have Nox.” 

Seokjin looks at you as if to say come on. “As much as I love the big guy, I can’t imagine he’d be the best company during the holidays. He doesn’t speak for one.” 

“How do you know?” you joke, but you don’t really feel like laughing right now. 

He murmurs your name. “Please.” 

“What about your family?” 

“Well, if your flights are too expensive, mine most definitely are,” he jokes, and your mouth quirks a little. You didn’t mean his parents, who are living in another country altogether, and he knows that. He sighs. “My brother will be fine.” 

“Minjun will be too?” 

“I can still see him,” he insists. “They can visit me – us. If that’s okay with you.” 

“No.” 

“No, it’s not?” Seokjin asks unsurely, a little surprised. 

“No, I mean, no. I don’t want you to spend Christmas with me.” 

“Ouch.” 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” you sigh, even though you’re sure he’s messing around. “I just… I can’t let you. Spend it with your family.” 

He straightens his shoulders, extends his height. Defiant. “I don’t want to.” 

“You don’t want to?” Somehow you don’t believe that. 

He shakes his head. “Not this year. I’ve decided.” 

You place a hand on your hip. “When did you decide this?” 

“Just now.” When you only stare at him, he tries a different approach. “I’m going to be spending it on my own. So, if you think about it, I’ll be alone, you’ll be alone…one wall separating us.” 

This time the tiniest of smiles appears on your face. This man doesn’t give up, does he? “Are you trying to guilt trip me?”

“Is it working?” he asks hopefully. 

“You’re something else,” you say with an exasperated chuckle, but you’ve softened. He knows that. 

Stepping closer to you, his eyes hopeful, he asks: “What do you say? Let’s spend the holidays together.” 

“I don’t know,” you tease, “do I really want to spend it with Ebisa Scroo?” 

That makes him laugh, eyes crinkling up. “I’ll put on my best behaviour.” 

“Fine.” 

“Really?” His eyes widen, and he looks so happy it makes you feel funny. No one’s ever looked this happy because of you before. 

You give a small nod. “Mm. I said I was going to step outside my comfort zone this year, so may as well spend Christmas with my neighbour of three months…”

Seokjin grins. “May as well.” 

FIVE

First on the agenda is getting a tree. 

When you were spending Christmas alone a tree was the last thing on your mind. Actually, no tree at all was the idea, for ultimate depression mode. Now that you’re spending it with Seokjin you absolutely have to go out and get one. (His exact words.) For someone who dislikes the holidays he’s doing a great job of pretending he doesn’t. Which touches you actually. Pity or not, you appreciate all the effort he’s prepared to go to just so you don’t have a terrible Christmas. 

He googles the nearest Christmas tree farm, and you go together the next time you’re both free at the same time. You take his car because it’s bigger and when Taylor Swift pops up on his playlist you can’t help but laugh, much to his bemusement. For some reason he hadn’t struck you as a Swiftie. (‘What’s a Swiftie?’ is his response.) 

While browsing the endless rows of trees, he somehow convinces you to pick the tallest one that can possibly fit inside your living room – a whole 7 foot! And while you’re chosen tree is getting netted the man asks if this is your first Christmas together. After an amused shared glance, Seokjin replies yes, something like that, with his deep little laugh. The one you don’t hear very often. Getting the tree up to your condo is one of funniest experiences you’ve had in a long time. You laugh so much that at one point you nearly pee yourself, but eventually you manage to get it inside, Seokjin wiping sweat from his brow while you immediately rush to the bathroom. 

Of course Nox has a sudden and very intense obsession with the giant green bit of nature that’s appeared in the corner of his living room – it happens every year – which results in the tree toppling over (thankfully with no decorations on it), but after a quick google, Seokjin dashes to the convenience store to find a citrus scented room deodoriser. When he gets back you start the embellishing. On a budget, although Seokjin doesn’t know that, you’re secretly relieved when he offers to let you borrow a bunch of decorations he has laying around his place. They’re ancient, he warns you, hand me downs from his mom, but you happily agree to check them out. It turns out they’re vintage, not ancient, and you instantly fall in love with everything. They remind you of a bunch you used to have, and in turn that reminds you of the beautiful star topper you’d found at a thrift store a few years ago. A brass intricate frame with mirrored glass. You had no way of knowing if it was, but it looked antique, like there was a history behind it. The memory makes you sad, which is silly because they’re just Christmas decorations. 

“Why didn’t you bring them with you?” Seokjin asks harmlessly. 

You concentrate hard on the hand carved wooden Santa ornament you’re securing to the tree. “Ben accidentally threw them out while he was emptying the house.” Although deep down you know that there was no accident at all… You shrug. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll start making a new collection soon enough.” 

When you look up, Seokjin’s staring at you, his warm eyes looking a little concerned. Whatever he’s thinking he doesn’t share, and you worry that you paint Ben in a bad light more each time you bring him up in conversation. Actually, this may be the first time you’ve said his name out loud, and that makes you feel strange. Like some type of line has been crossed and you don’t know whether that’s a good or bad thing. You don’t want Ben here, in this moment. 

“Yeah,” Seokjin says, smiling now, but there’s something too gentle about it. “You can have these if you want.” 

“Don’t be silly, they’re your family’s decorations.” 

“Some aren’t. I bought this set last year.” He motions to a gold bauble he’s holding. 

“Oh?” you interrogate suddenly. “So you decorated last year?” 

He chuckles, fingers fiddling with the string. “Yeah. I did.” Then his expression turns a little regretful. “It was a waste of time…” 

 //

 A couple of days later there’s a familiar knock at your door. It’s Seokjin’s knock – that, and he’s practically the only one who calls over. When you open the door he’s dressed in a grey suit. A really fancy kind, one with a matching waistcoat underneath. You see him so often dressed down these days that the sight is a little jarring. It catches you off guard and something inexplainable inside you floats about. 

“A suit today?” you ask. It’s Wednesday. 

“Yeah, I had to pop into the office for a meeting. Can I come in?” 

“You’re home late though,” you move to the side as you reply, noting he has a briefcase in one hand and three shopping bags in the other. It was nearing 7pm, you’d been home for over an hour already. 

He gives you a little grin, something cheeky about it. “I also went Christmas shopping.” 

“Oh, very festive, Scroo.” 

“Ha ha, very funny,” he says sarcastically. You chuckle to yourself as he places everything down on the floor by the entrance and starts rummaging around in the bags, his back turned to you. “I got you something.” 

“Yeah, I know. We did agree to get each other a gift, right?”

Planning Christmas with Seokjin had been fun so far, while also proving to be a great distraction from the reality of not seeing your family this year. Exchanging gifts had been his idea, which had been a pleasant surprise. (Maybe not for you bank account though…) 

“No, I mean,” he pauses to stand, something in his hand but you can’t see it. “I got you something for right now.” Slowly he turns around, still talking. “I found it at the thrift store, because you said you found the last one there.” In his hand is a gold star tree topper. “I know it’s not the same, but it was the closest I could find really.” 

“Seokjin,” you awe, taking it from him as he holds it out. “It’s beautiful.” It’s made of metal, you think, and is rather tall with eight points. You look up at him stunned. “You didn’t have to.” 

He shrugs. “It was four dollars.” But you can tell he’s privately really happy that you love it. “Besides,” he adds with a laugh, “now we can take down that demonic looking fairy.” 

“Once again, it’s an angel.” The decorations Seokjin had kindly let you borrow were all beautiful except for the creepy angel. You both agreed on that. “Let me get the stool,” you say, wanting to swap them straight away. 

“No need. I can give you a lift?” he suggests. 

You hesitate, taken slightly by surprise, but with how casual he’s said it, you decide you must be overthinking again. It’s no big deal and it’ll only take ten seconds anyway. You decide to get on his shoulders. He takes your weight shockingly easily, steady on his feet as he stands straight, and instead of feeling nervous about being off the ground, you feel safe with him.  All that working out at the gym is obviously paying off for him. You remove scary demonic angel, as Seokjin holds your thighs, and dangle her between your fingers. “Can I drop her?”

Seokjin chuckles. “Go for it.” 

Scary demonic angel makes a satisfying noise as she hits the floor. 

“Happy?” 

“Mm-hm,” you nod, leaning in to place the star down. You straighten it up and admire it for a moment, and it almost doesn’t feel as if you’re balancing on Seokjin’s shoulders anymore. 

Tapping his head gently, your signal for getting you down, he carefully crouches again, helping you get off him. There’s probably easier ways of getting off, for example just hopping backwards, but for some reason you end up doing some type of awkward leap frog. He chuckles as you do so, his head so far forward he can’t see anything, and you may run the risk of snapping his neck if you land on it. There’s a bunch of fumbling, and as he takes a step back, surely crippled by now, he stumbles. One of your feet is on the ground already, but the other is stretching down, wanting to reach it too. For one very dramatic moment your life flashes before your eyes, but then you’re sliding off him ungracefully, spinning around to check on him, and panicked, he grabs for you, thinking you’re falling. Somehow, don’t ask you how – it’s all rather cliché – you find yourself facing him, on both feet thankfully, but pressed quite tight against his body. He feels solid, you note somewhere in the back of your mind. 

Looking up into his eyes, your heart seems to be thudding hard – probably the near-death experience – but you feel a dip in your lower stomach you haven’t felt for…years, quite possibly. But all too suddenly, he’s letting you go, and the feeling disappears. Sort of. You’re still quite shaken up, but about what, you don’t know. 

“You okay?” he asks worriedly. 

“Yeah,” you nod, clearing your throat. “You?” You can’t look him in the eyes. 

“Yeah. I stood on the angel.” He’s a little out of breath, and his face is flushed. “Demonic, I’m telling you.” He chuckles, but it’s a very throaty sound. 

You force a smile, also quite out of breath. “That definitely sounds like the start of a horror movie…” 

.

.

After your little situation, which you bet Maddie will absolutely go crazy for (she still asks about Seokjin religiously), he wonders if you’ve eaten yet. Somehow that turns into sharing a pizza, but not before he briefly goes home to change. Sitting on your tiny dinner table, the box between you, a pizza he insisted on paying for half gone, you talk about this and that while Nox brushes past your legs. Thankfully ever since he came back wearing normal clothes you feel a lot more yourself. You blame the suit. You always did go weak for a man in a suit and Seokjin really did look good in one. 

“Go on, indulge me,” he says, fighting with two slices that won’t separate. “Why do you love Christmas so much?” 

“I just do,” you shrug coyly. But there’s something about Seokjin that makes you want to talk. He’s always so ready to listen, and these past few days it feels like you’ve grown closer. You’re sharing something together this holiday. “It’s the one time of the year you can just be happy. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in your life, for those couple of days – couple of weeks if you’re lucky, everything is okay.” 

Seokjin smiles gently. “That’s a nice mentality.” No sarcasm detected. 

“What about you?” you ask, confusing him slightly. “Is there any reason you’re a self-confessed Scrooge and hate Christmas?”

He laughs. “I don’t remember admitting anything of the sort, but—” he pauses, as if deciding whether to continue or not. “I guess it might make sense. Scrooge disliked Christmas because it reminded him of bad memories, right? Yeah, last Christmas wasn’t so good for me, to be honest.” 

“Oh?”

“I won’t bore you with the details but basically it was the worst.” Despite the context, he ends with another laugh. 

You can’t help but let your mind wonder to that time Minjun brought up someone called Skye. It makes sense that the bad memories might stem from that, if Seokjin’s reaction was anything to go by when he heard the name, but who knows. Maybe your imagination is just running away with you. Then you feel guilty. All that stuff you said about forgetting your problems and being happy at Christmas. “I guess everything I said just went out the window.” 

“No,” he rushed, quick to reassure you. “Of course it didn’t. Honestly, before last year I probably would have agreed with you.” There’s a beat of silence. “I don’t hate the holidays though. That’s a very strong word.” 

“My ex-husband hated them,” you say without thinking. “Sorry, I feel like I complain about him all the time. I don’t even know why I still talk about him.” 

“No, it’s fine. I don’t mind. Complain away,” he encourages, making you laugh. He turns a little serious then, voice soft. “This year must be hard for you. So much change, moving away, spending the holidays with a virtual stranger…” 

You like how he does that, makes appropriate light to certain topics. It has the desired effect, and you chuckle quietly. “It’s not that bad – and you’re not a virtual stranger.” 

“That’s nice to hear.”

You look across at him, making eye contact. “I know I just said all that stuff about forgetting everything and being happy at Christmas, but… this is the first time in forever I don’t have to worry about what next year will be like.” Hearing that, Seokjin’s eyebrows raise. “This time I’m genuinely happy.” 

It’s the truth. As much as these past few months have been hard and you have struggled with lows, it’s all been worth it. You finally feel free and independent, and you know you still have a long way to go, mentally more than anything, but you’re getting there slowly. Last Christmas was when you decided to ask Ben for divorce. It took you another three months to gain the courage, but your favourite time of the year had helped you set the motions in place. Now here you were looking forward to your first Ben-free holiday. It wasn’t how you expected it to go, but life was full of surprises. 

“I’m glad,” Seokjin smiles, holding up his glass of coke. You giggle and do the same. “To happiness and the holidays,” he toasts. “I promise to reign in the Scroo from here on in.” 

 //

 As much as spending the holidays with Seokjin should be weird, it’s not. Hand on heart. He has this way about him that makes you feel like you’ve known him years. You always thought he was funny but being in his company more has multiplied that by ten. You haven’t laughed this much in years, and absurdly enough, he seems to find you just as hilarious. Maddie is still so perplexed that you’re spending Christmas with your neighbour but loves it either way. She’s the only one you’ve told, and even then, it’s not the entire truth. Telling everyone you’re having money worries is still so embarrassing in your eyes, and not because you’re struggling getting the hang of living alone. There’s nothing embarrassing about having money struggles. Of course there isn’t. It just feels like a serves you right kind of moment. You can almost hear Ben’s voice saying it. For years you lived comfortably with him – more than comfortably – and if he knew that you were dipping into your savings account every couple of weeks like it was an overdraft, watching it go down and down, he would be so happy about it. That thought angers you. Seokjin had said hate is a strong word a few days ago, but where Ben is concerned you have very strong feelings. Negative feelings. Even now. 

 //

 The day before Christmas Eve you open your front door to find a walking turkey. 

“Hi, did someone order a big bird?” 

The voice Seokjin puts on makes you snort unattractively. “Oh, my god. Where did you get that thing? It’s nearly as big as your torso.” 

The turkey lowers, Seokjin’s face in its place. “My co-worker knows a guy.” 

“Who deals in poultry?” 

“Apparently.” He follows you inside and places the giant bird on the counter. You both stare at it as if about to perform an autopsy. “I think we might have to hack it into pieces to get it to fit inside the refrigerator.” 

Out of the corner of your eye you see Nox leaving his bedroom, sniffing repeatedly. Uh oh. “I’m just glad it isn’t frozen. This thing would take a week to thaw out.” 

Seokjin nods in agreement. “We’re going to have leftovers for days. Should we mail some to your parents? My parents?” 

 //

 Later that day you do one final grocery shop together, making sure you have everything you need for Christmas dinner. You both agree that food is the most important thing about the holidays. The plan is as follows: Seokjin is in charge of the breakfast menu, because according to him, he’s an amazing cook. You have nothing to go on though because every time you see him eat its take-out. You tease him with this constantly, even as you’re browsing the aisles for ingredients. You’ll see, he tells you, a very attractive arrogance to his voice. 

You’re in charge of the afternoon menu, but of course you’ll help one another out. It’s a team effort, you keep reiterating, grinning as you do. Christmas for the past few years had been nothing of the sort, so you were going to enjoy this with everything you had. 

 //

 On Christmas Eve you exchange presents. 

Seokjin had told you a story about how when he was little his father had told him there was no such thing as Santa Claus straight off the bat, informing him that it was he who bought the Christmas presents, and if he wanted any at all, Seokjin had to be good to him all throughout the year. It made you understand where Seokjin got his sense of humour and comical bluntness from. So, because of this revelation, Seokjin’s family always used to open presents the night before Christmas, the excitement for the morning not quite the same after all. You decide to replicate that this year especially for him. 

You wanted to get something practical for him. Using your fairly limited knowledge of his hobbies to your advantage, you settled on a bicycle multi-tool, which Google had told you was every cyclist’s best friend. For you, he got a silk pillowcase, which funnily enough, Google had told him had many benefits. Pair that with the beautiful star tree topper and his thoughtfulness leaves you speechless. 

You finish the evening off by watching a Christmas movie of your choosing – if he gets to choose tomorrow’s. You decide on Love Actually, and to your surprise Seokjin doesn’t roast your romantic taste. He says nothing actually. If anything, he’s eager because he’s never seen it before but has always heard people talk about it. Throughout the movie, as you laugh and get slightly emotional together, you share thankful smiles each other’s way. Or at least it feels like they are thankful. They’re thankful on your end anyway. And maybe just a little reassuring. 

When he leaves for the night, you agree on an 8am wake up call. Tomorrow is a busy day after all. 

SIX

When you hear Seokjin at your door you shoot forward. You stare at your clock. 7:51am. Oh god, you’d accidentally fallen back to sleep after your alarm went off. Most definitely still half asleep, you stumble out of bed, managing to glance in the mirror to smooth your hair down, before you exit your bedroom to walk to the door in a hurry. 

Seokjin greets you cheerily. “Merry Christmas!” Then he notices something. “What, still in your pyjamas?”

“You’re ten minutes early.” 

He chuckles at your crankiness and walks inside. He’s in his slippers. “Go on, get ready. I’ll start breakfast.” In the kitchen he goes, and when he looks back and sees your expression, he grins. “What, you don’t trust me?” 

“No, not that…” you shake your head. “You might not know where things are.” But secretly, you’d been excited to make breakfast together. 

“I’m sure I’ll manage.” He opens a random cupboard and comes face to face with your mug collection. (It’s very extensive.) 

“Take your pick,” you tell him. “I’ll be 30 minutes tops.” 

You’re in fact 45 minutes. Nothing beats a morning shower, and once you’re dry and moisturised, you slip into your chosen dress. It’s not new, actually it’s a couple of years old, but you haven’t had an excuse to wear it in a while, and you love it so much. It’s a little lower than you remember, or maybe you’ve just forgotten you have boobs, but when you look in the mirror you can’t help but smile. You style your hair and do something different with your makeup. It’s Christmas Day after all, so you will, and can, make an effort. 

Seokjin is very busy when you finally walk out, cutting a bunch of different fruit up, but he makes sure to glance up at you in greeting. Then does another take. “Oh…woah,” he awes, eyes slightly wide. He stops cutting. “You look…amazing.” 

“Thanks,” you smile, feeling your face go hot. A simple compliment shouldn’t have this effect on you, but then again, it’s been a long time since you’ve heard one. “Merry Christmas, by the way. I was sort of half asleep when you buzzed.”  

“I would’ve never have guessed.” 

You push at his shoulder playfully and he laughs. “I like your jumper.” It’s a Christmas jumper. Blue Fair Isle, the sleeves rolled up to just below his elbows as he cooks. 

“Scroo’s a changed man,” he jokes, passing you the knife to help cut the fruit so he can check on whatever’s frying away on the stove. 

.

.

He’s prepared not just a breakfast, but a whole entire buffet. You stare down at your table in amazement, then across at him with the same look in your eyes. “This all looks and smells wonderful, Seokjin.” 

He chuckles bashfully, but watches you take your first bite with an eager gaze. “Do you have anything else to say?” 

You laugh. “I never doubted your cooking skills!”   

“You kind of did.” 

“It was a joke!” 

He laughs as if to tell you he knows that, and then starts tucking in himself. 

In no time at all, you’re both stuffed, and there’ll be definite leftovers for tomorrow. “I’m impressed,” you say while patting your belly. “You can cook. You’re funny, kind, handsome. Got a good job – can dress yourself!” It makes him laugh. “You do realise you’re every woman’s dream man, right?” 

His smile falters and he shakes his head. “I don’t know about that.” Then he raises an eyebrow. “But, hm, you think I’m handsome?” 

You pretend like you haven’t heard him, a great big grin on your face. “Should we take Nox out for his walk now?” 

 //

 Despite wearing tights and boots, a jumper over your dress, and a coat, you’re freezing. Seokjin had suggested a scarf before you left, but you hadn’t thought you’d need it. Now you’re regretting your past decisions. 

“Cold?” he asks, glancing over at you. Is it that obvious? He’s holding Nox’s lead, warm in his fur-lined jacket, free hand in his pocket. You’re jealous. 

“A little,” you admit. 

You think he’s going to tell you I told you so, something you heard from Ben a lot, but instead he smiles and lifts his elbow out to you, offering you to take his arm. “Come here then.” 

You oblige in an instant, linking your arm with his without a second thought. Actually, you don’t even have a first thought. You’re cold and Seokjin is very, very warm. 

The park is busy, lots of couples going for Christmas morning strolls, families walking their pets, and they’re all smiling, happy and carefree for that one day out of the year. You and Seokjin take it in turns wishing passers-by a Merry Christmas and some even stop to chat, Nox catching their attention like he usually does. Hearing Seokjin talk about Nox so fondly with strangers makes your heart feel all funny, and you have the strongest urge to tell him thank you, although you’re not sure what for exactly. 

 //

 Later in the day, after you spent the entire morning cooking together and then most of the afternoon eating, Seokjin’s brother and family come to visit. Initially, Seokjin had been uncertain about it, not wanting to, as he put it ‘force a bunch of strangers’ onto you. He was perfectly alright with seeing them the next day, but you couldn’t have that. He’d spent practically every Christmas with his older brother so you didn’t want him missing out this year. It was his day too. Besides, any excuse to see Minjun again. You’d missed that cutie, and now you would be able to see his baby sister too. You love babies, always have, but Ben had never been particularly crazy with the idea of having children. Marrying him, you thought you’d be able to change his mind. Now, you were glad you never had. 

Serin is the most adorable baby you have ever seen in your entire life. She’s only five months old, so is still super tiny, and has the puffiest lips imaginable. Seriously. She must take after her uncle. She’s such a happy baby too, giving you the biggest smiles and letting you hold her. She’s just started full on belly laughing too, much to Seokjin’s pleasure, and for a good while you hold her while he makes silly faces her way, laughing in a way that only babies can. It’s the best sound in the world. Then, she tuckers herself out and has to take a nap. 

Seokjin’s brother and sister-in-law are extremely lovely, which doesn’t really come as a surprise to you. Despite the odd circumstances, you have a fun time hanging out and getting to know them. Minjun gets his hot chocolate of course, and reunites with Nox, and you even surprise him with a little gift. A children’s copy of A Christmas Carol. You got something small for Serin too, a cute cat plush, and for Seokjin’s brother and wife you got a bottle of wine, which is funny because they got you the same. Your presents weren’t too extravagant, you are on a budget after all, but it’s the thought that counts. 

When it’s time to leave, Seokjin sends them away with a Tupperware container full of turkey, and Minjun hugs your legs and tells you that he likes you and can’t wait to see you again. It touches you so much that you nearly cry, but you rein it in and wave him off. 

Soon after, while Seokjin is helping you wash up leftover dishes, he gets a text that makes him chuckle. 

“Care to share the joke?” you ask, drying a wine glass. 

He chuckles once more, forearms deep in soapy water again. “It’s dumb, something Hyuk’s just said.” 

You go back to drying without saying anything but feel Seokjin glance at you. When you look his way, he gives you a small smile. “What’s that for?” you laugh.

He joins in. “What’s what for?” 

“That smile!”

“Why can’t I smile at you?!” 

He sounds dumbfounded, which only makes you laugh harder.

 //

 Christmas Day drawing to a close, you both curl up on the sofa, Nox in between you both, with the gifted bottle of wine and watch Seokjin’s holiday movie choice: Die Hard. The age-old debate arises: Can it really be considered a Christmas movie? But Seokjin makes a good argument, and you wind up giving in. It’s not your first choice in movie to get you in the festive mood, nowhere near it actually, but he did watch your choice last night so you can’t complain. Plus, you do actually enjoy the movie in general. (Just not at Christmas.) 

Afterwards, you open another bottle – one he purchased yesterday. It’s been weeks since you drank this much, the last time was with Maddie and Ara, so by now you’re feeling insanely relaxed. You talk, and Seokjin listens. You admit that you’re sort of happy you didn’t end up going home for Christmas. As much as you love your family and spending the holidays with them, being surrounded by couples and children would really have cemented in the fact you got divorced this year. 

“I understand,” Seokjin says sincerely, “I mean, I didn’t get a divorce,” he adds quickly, making you laugh. “But I always spend the holiday with my brother – well, besides last year, and just the thought of it this time around after…” He trails off, and you watch him carefully. He seems reluctant to finish. Instead, he says: “I really don’t hate the holidays, by the way. Another reminder.” 

You snort softly. “I don’t mind if you do, Seokjin.” 

“I know that.” He hesitates. “I just… After hearing that your ex-husband hated it, I felt a little guilty… I know it sounds stupid.” He laughs at himself. “I just wanted you to have the best Christmas.” 

Something warm blooms across your chest. “I did,” you reassure him. You’ve had the best Christmas in years. All down to him. He smiles happily, and for a moment there’s silence. But wine-confident, you hear yourself asking something. “What happened last year?” 

The silence extends his end, and you don’t think he’s going to answer. You’re about to rush and apologise for being inappropriate when he finally lets out an embarrassed chuckle. “I proposed to my girlfriend and she said no.” 

Your eyebrows shoot up in surprise. You had not been expecting that, you weren’t really sure what you had been expecting to be honest. You fumble for the right thing to say, a simple I’m sorry seeming insensitive somehow. However, Seokjin doesn’t seem to notice, and instead he carries on, a slight crease across his forehead as he remembers back.  

“I was so excited. I planned hard, it took over my life for a few weeks. Which is probably why I missed the signs.” He laughs again, and you don’t know whether you find it admirable that he can now think back and laugh at himself, or if it’s sad because there’s nothing funny about having your heart broken. “Yeah, while I was out choosing the perfect ring, she was actually thinking of how to end things… Obviously I took her by surprise Christmas Eve.” When he speaks next, his voice sounds heavy. “I spent the next day alone and totally devastated.” 

You find your voice, the thought of him being alone and hurt this time last year too much to handle. “Oh god, Seokjin. I’m so sorry. That must have been awful.” 

“It was for a while,” he admits. “I was so depressed.” He pauses to contemplate something. “It still is awful sometimes, but not because I’m still in love with her or anything. I just… It’s a strange thing to recover from. I thought she was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, so trying to recondition that thought from my mind was…difficult.” 

“I get that,” you sympathise. “Despite how things were with Ben, I thought he was it.” To imagine finding love with someone else is so unfathomable, you actually never think about it. 

“Have you tried dating since?”

You shake your head, sounding unsure when you reply. “I don’t know, don’t those kinds of things take time?” 

“Yeah. Maybe. I know it feels like that for me sometimes.” 

“You date?” you ask, a little shocked for some reason. 

“Haven’t for a few weeks,” he chuckles. “They don’t really go too well – but don’t let that put you off,” he adds a little panicked. “The bad dates are my fault.” 

You chuckle softly and then shrug your shoulders. “I don’t know…maybe.” Your next sentence makes you a little nervous, as if you’re admitting your darkest kept secret. In a way, you are. “My relationship with Ben wasn’t normal…so I worry because of that I might struggle.” 

Seokjin turns serious then, his frown back, but a lot deeper. “What do you mean ‘wasn’t normal’?” 

You take a moment, wondering if you should just brush his question off, but something inside you refuses. You want to do this. You need to do this. “Ben was…” You exhale, and your voice trembles. “He said and did things that made me feel bad about myself sometimes.” Saying that out loud, to someone other than Maddie feels strange, but also like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. “It was more than that, too. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.” 

“Take your time,” Seokjin tells you gently, his full attention on you. 

You swallow and try again. “It was all mind games and just…” Something washes over you then, a repressed memory, an urge to share. “This one time – this is to do with Nox. I had told Ben I really wanted a cat, lonely working from home, but I was adamant we had to adopt one from the shelter. He agreed with me at the time, but then one day he surprised me with Nox, and it was obvious he wasn’t from a shelter. I was so mad, but he turned it on me. Told me I was being ungrateful after he’d spent so much money wanting to do something nice for me. He threatened to take him back, and I couldn’t have that. I had to go against everything I believed in, and I know it sounds stupid—,” 

“It doesn’t,” Seokjin cuts in, sounding eager to reassure you. “It doesn’t sound stupid at all.” 

You’re breathing heavier, your heart drumming inside your chest, but it feels great. Some kind of adrenaline rush. To not feel crazy, to be believed. “At the time – for the longest time – I ignored what he was like because the truth just seemed so absurd. It was absurd,” you exclaim with a sharp laugh, “because why did he go to such great lengths?” 

“Some people are just like that,” Seokjin says with a shake of his head. He sounds careful as he continues, as if he doesn’t want to cross a line. “They have their own issues, their own insecurities, and they put others down, pick them apart, just to feel better about themselves.” He stares into your eyes, the warmth of his serious, the familiar sparkle determined. “It was nothing you did. I hope you know that.” 

“I do.” Then you smile sadly. “It’s just hard to remember sometimes.” 

Seokjin holds his wine glass in his lap, staring down at it for a moment. “God, hearing all that makes me so angry,” he admits, then looks at you apologetically. “Sorry, that sounds weird. I just… You’re such an amazing person. You didn’t deserve any of that.” 

His compassion and concern make you feel strange. You appreciate it, of course you do, but it makes you very aware of what you’ve just told him. How personal you just got, and you worry you’ve made things weird. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to unload all of that on you,” you say, finishing the last of your wine in one mouthful. You reach forward to place the glass on your coffee table. “I’m embarrassed.” 

“You don’t need to ever be embarrassed.” 

You look over at him, his gaze reassuring you. “I never really talk about it. My family just think I was unhappy.” 

His eyebrows raise. “No one knows the truth?” 

“Maddie does.” You’ve lost count of how many times she’s tried to beg you to tell your parents, but you could never do it. Just the thought of how upset your mother would be, how useless your father would feel. Even telling your sister, it was too difficult to think about. Your brother… He’d be so angry. It would kill them all. You couldn’t do it. “And now you,” you add, smiling at Seokjin.

He smiles back. “I’ll always be here for you if you want to talk.” Regretfully, he chuckles. “I know I more or less forced myself into your Christmas plans…” 

“You didn’t,” you exclaim. “I had no plans!” It makes him laugh. You like seeing him laugh, hearing all the different sounds it can make. “You know, one of the best things to come out of moving here has been my friendship with you,” you confess. 

“Really? You flatter me.” He’s trying to tease you, but he can’t hide the way his face lights up hearing your words. Nox suddenly jumps from the sofa and it makes you both jump. You’d actually forgotten he was there in all honesty. Seokjin takes the opportunity to move closer, placing his glass on the table too. Your legs brush against one another. “I like our friendship, too.” 

You smile at each other, your eyes falling to his mouth briefly, lips darker with red wine. “That’s good to know,” you say softly. 

His smile grows into a full-blown grin. “You know what’s crazy. A year ago today I thought my world had ended. It’s nice to know that wasn’t the case.” 

“I’m glad. I know it means nothing, and you’ve probably heard it a million times before, but, she’s obviously a fool for not wanting to marry you.” 

“I have heard that before,” he laughs. “My mother. Over and over again.” You join in, feeling a little light-headed now. You blame it on the wine. 

You both have your heads back against the couch, looking at each other as you laugh. Your knee brushes against his thigh, and you feel something, a prickle of heat, and it spreads its warmth all over your body. You catch Seokjin glancing at your mouth, then his eyes are back on yours. He laughs again, but it’s softer, and you feel the sweetness of his breath against your face. When had he gotten so close? 

He looks at your lips again and you wonder if yours are as red as his? Probably. You go to ask, but instead you say thank you for some reason, or maybe he says that. You don’t quite know because he’s coming closer. He seems closer anyway. He must be closer, because soon his lips are pressing slowly against yours. Ever so lightly, almost as if they aren’t there at all. Your eyes seem to shut automatically, even though you don’t respond at first, taken by surprise. But then he presses a little firmer and you kiss back, shocking yourself. It’s a simple kiss, but it feels good. 

The warmth in your body grows hotter for a second, but then it starts to disperse. It takes you moment to realise Seokjin’s pulled away, your lips still puckered. “Shit.” His head is turned to the side, just past your shoulder and he laughs weakly into the back of the couch. The sound throws you. “I am so sorry. I don’t know what that was. I think I’m drunk.” 

Frozen, you force yourself to say something. “It’s okay.” But even as you say that you seem to be battling an intense, inexplainable disappointment. 

Seokjin lifts his head and moves, creating distance between you. He looks mortified and somehow it leaves you feeling guilty. “I should uh, probably get going before I embarrass myself further.” 

Robotically, you nod. “Yeah. It is getting late. I’ll see you out?” 

You don’t remember much after that, Seokjin rushes out so quick you don’t really have a chance. When you close the door behind him you lean against it, sighing lightly. Your mind is whirring, and you don’t think you can blame it entirely on the alcohol. What was that? You have the sudden urge to call up Maddie but stop yourself. She’s with Ara, enjoying the end of their first Christmas together. You can’t interrupt that. 

Nox makes a little prrp noise and you look over to see him sat on the back of the couch, staring straight at you with his amber, knowing eyes. You sigh again. Maybe you should just go to bed. It’s late.  

 //

 Your head is killing you, too much wine, but maybe from lack of sleep too. Every time you shut your eyes last night you’d remember the kiss, and the more it happened the more you kept thinking: Oh, my god, I can’t believe that actually happened. In and out of sleep, when you finally decide to get out of bed, you almost convince yourself it never happened at all. Nox is eager for his morning walk so you begrudgingly shower and have something quick to eat. The leftovers in the fridge are just another reminder of yesterday, and you can’t help but feel down. It had been the most perfect day, so how had it ended with Seokjin practically running away from you? 

You’re just leaving the building when you hear your name being called. It’s coming from behind you, and it’s a very familiar voice. Without thinking, you carry on walking, feeling panicky. Seokjin calls your name again, closer, and he sounds a little out of breath, as if he’s jogged to catch up to you. You gradually come to a halt, taking a deep breath. Just act normal. Whatever happened between you last night was a mistake. 

You turn, a smile on your face that hurts. “Hey, Jin.” 

His eyes seem to roam your face for a moment, as if he’s searching for something, or maybe checking up on you. You can’t seem to tell. “Hey, can I walk with you?” You nod in reply, your footsteps feeling laggy as you both start up again. “Need to get some milk,” he continues, laughing quietly. “Found mine a hard lump in the fridge.”

You try to laugh along, you really do, but it comes out weird, and it makes his smile drop. He says your name lowly. He looks worried. “Look, I really am sorry for last night. I don’t want—I don’t want it to make things awkward between us. I don’t know what I was thinking…” 

You feel your heart sink and now for some reason you feel worse than you did half an hour ago when you saw yesterday’s leftovers. The convenience store is only five minutes away from where you live, you can see it in the distance. 

“We were—I just… The moment—,” he stumbles over himself. You have never heard him so tongue-tied before. You don’t know what he’s trying to say but you get the gist. The kiss was a mistake. “I feel like such a dick. I know we – you, spoke about some pretty personal things and I just totally crossed a line—,” 

“Seokjin, it’s fine,” you interrupt, not wanting to be reminded of that either. Last night it had felt so good to finally tell someone about Ben, but now you felt like a fool for getting so personal. It was embarrassing. He saw you as someone to pity. 

“You didn’t cross any lines,” you continue, voice surprisingly firm as you stop to face him. The store is right across the road. “Like you said last night, you were drunk. So was I.” He nods slowly, not looking you in the eyes. He looks tired, you note, wearing a grey hoody that seems vastly too big for him, a navy body warmer over the top. “I mean, I did kiss you back a little.” This time you sound uncertain, but you don’t know why. “Let’s just forget about it, okay?” 

He stares at you then, bright eyes now unnervingly dull. You stare back and you don’t know what you want him to reply. Maybe something along the lines of he doesn’t want to forget it. That the kiss wasn’t a mistake and he meant it. He wanted to do it. These thoughts catch you off guard and you don’t understand what they mean. 

In front of you, Seokjin gives you a short nod and smiles softly. “Forgotten,” he confirms. “Already forgotten.” He looks down at Nox. “See you buddy.” 

And then he’s crossing the road to disappear inside the store, and you’re stood there feeling like you’re going to cry. 

 //

 You don’t cry, but you do spend the rest of the day in bed feeling sorry for yourself.   

Nox proves great company as always, but it still can’t cheer you up. You feel all over the place, lost and confused. 

Do you have feelings for Seokjin? Is that why you’re so upset about what happened earlier? Or are you just worried that your friendship may be ruined before it’s even properly started? 

You think back over the past couple of weeks. How amazing it had been to plan and spend the holidays with Seokjin. All throughout your relationship with Ben you had wished for something like that, but every single year you were left planning Christmas without him. There was no choosing a tree together and decorating it, no grocery shopping together, no Christmas day walks, and he definitely never helped prepare dinner with you. Everything you had done with Seokjin while organising Christmas had shown you how a healthy relationship was supposed to be, and maybe that’s what was messing with your mind. It's embarrassing that you’re even comparing your past marriage to your friendship with Seokjin. You’ve blurred the lines of what’s acceptable where friendship is concerned and now you’re paying the price. But then…

You think back to the moment he’d lifted you onto his shoulders to place the star on the tree. The star he’d brought you. How he’d stumbled, and how you’d ended up pressed against his chest. You’d felt some type of way even then but had shrugged it off… Thinking of that moment makes you think of the kiss again, how nice it had felt. Surprising, but nice. More than nice… 

It is quite possible you’ve fallen for him along the way. You hadn’t been looking for the signs so no wonder it had creeped up on you, and now it potentially ran the risk of ruining everything. You don’t want to lose what you have, that comforting friendship you’ve made, but you have a sinking feeling the damage has already been done… 

SEVEN

That sinking feeling continues. 

It’s been a few days since you last saw Seokjin – since you even heard from him. Before the holidays that wouldn’t have been unusual, but you’ve grown so used to speaking to him every day these past couple of weeks the complete opposite is weird to get used to. You miss him, as pathetic as that sounds, and you don’t know what to do to stop that feeling. You hate that the kiss has made things awkward between you, and you hate that you’re battling these confusing feelings for him. Maddie says maybe the space will do you some good. You can put the kiss behind you and try to work past your possible feelings for him. It’s a complete 180 from her Is he single? a couple of months ago, but you don’t say that to her, not wanting her to feel guilty. You knew she’d only been teasing you back then. She hadn’t actually been expecting you to fall for your neighbour… Your kind, and sweet, and thoughtful neighbour… Despite not expecting it either, it makes sense when you look at it from that perspective. 

Maddie’s proud of you for telling Seokjin about Ben, though. She knows how big that is for you, and carefully, she suggests the T word again. A therapist. She’s been trying to get you to talk to someone for months now, but you’d always been dubious. What could a stranger tell you that you didn’t know already? But now, after talking with Seokjin, you see it isn’t about that. It’s about being listened to and understood, and that’s what you want more than anything. With the new year approaching, you think it’s about time to seriously start thinking about going for counselling. Your marriage is over, and Ben is gone, but he often pops up in your mind, and you want to be able to handle that better. You want to stop it for good, if that’s possible. 

 //

 The day before New Year’s Eve there’s a familiar knock at your door. It’s late evening, and you’re actually about to head to bed to find something to watch on your laptop, but when you hear that sound, you don’t know what to do with yourself. A wave of relief washes over you, and before you know it, you’re at the door, not even giving yourself a moment to take a breath before you’re pulling it open. 

“Hi,” Seokjin says as soon as you come into view. He’s in another sweatsuit of his, dark purple this time. You haven’t seen it before; it must be new. 

“Hey,” you breathe, realising how hard your heart is drumming inside your chest. He looks good, no different from usual, no different to how he’s always looked. It’s you who’s different. You feel different. 

“I don’t want to keep you or anything,” he begins, and you’re suddenly very aware you’ve answered the door in your very fluffy (and very unflattering) pyjamas. He probably thinks you’re heading to bed. You mean, you were heading to bed, but that’s beside the point. “I just wanted to… I’m having a little get together at my place tomorrow night. For New Year’s.” He hesitates, and then looks at you hopefully. “Do you want to come?” 

“Oh.” You blink. “Are you sure?” 

“Of course,” he chuckles, and it feels so good to hear that sound. You’ve missed it so much, gotten so used to it. “It will only be a handful of people. Friends, some co-workers – although, they’re obviously my friends too. It’s not my brother’s thing, you know with the kids and all.” He stops, realising he’s talking too much and gives you a bashful smile. “It won’t be anything crazy. Can’t risk a noise complaint from you know who…” 

That makes you laugh. It feels good. Everything feels good seeing him again. 

“I just thought you might enjoy it,” he adds with a smile. 

“Okay.” If it’s an excuse to see him again, hang out with him again, you’ll take it immediately. Seokjin beams. “Yeah. Okay. What time?” 

 //

 You know Maddie said space would help you move past your maybe-feelings for Seokjin, but it’s done the complete opposite. The space and then seeing him again has only confirmed said feelings. There is no maybe about it. Sure, they’re confusing, and the sudden realisation hasn’t helped matters, but you really don’t care right now. Scary or not, you like Seokjin as more than a friend, and yes, you have no way of knowing how he feels. In fact, maybe things aren’t looking so optimistic for you, but then again, maybe they are. You’re willing to take that chance. You’re willing to go with your gut. 

Past you, you from four months ago, would have never said yes to a party where you only knew the host, but new you, the old you, would have. You’re still a little nervous as you buzz his door though, hearing music already playing inside, people laughing. Seokjin answers the door thankfully, the smile already on his face growing even wider when he sees it’s you. He’s dressed in a pale blue and white striped shirt, the first button undone, and he’s wearing that really nice smelling cologne again. You feel excited as you step inside, staying close by his side as he offers to introduce you to everyone. He wasn’t lying when he said it would only be a handful of people. There’s about ten people here, including you, and they’re all so friendly. 

You meet Seokjin’s best friend again – Yoongi – the guy you’ve heard so much about during the past couple of weeks, and he grins almost mischievously when Seokjin brings you over to chat. ‘Ah, I meet the infamous neighbour once again’ is how he greets you, which makes Seokjin laugh very loudly and awkwardly, his face growing red. It’s cute. Yoongi’s very beautiful and very leggy girlfriend – who you’re convinced has to be some type of supermodel, she’s so striking – is with him, and you talk for a while until Seokjin gets called over by a group of three guys. They’re his co-workers you find out, but a little overwhelmed you can’t remember their names after Seokjin introduces you to them. Apart from one. Jimin. 

He’s pretty flirty, naturally so you presume, and offers you a drink before Seokjin can, whisking you away almost, as you find yourself in the kitchen, Jimin recommending you his favourite mixes. There’s nothing uncomfortable about him though, he’s friendly and funny, kind of cute too, in a purely innocent way, even if his intentions aren’t so. It’s obvious what he’s doing, laying it on thick, but while flattering, it has no effect on you whatsoever. It’s nice to be so obviously flirted with though, you won’t lie. 

While you’re chatting away, you keep looking around for Seokjin, catching his eye sometimes and smiling his way, sometimes a little wave too. It seems that your neighbour is a very popular man, obviously loved by his friends, not getting a moments peace as he’s grabbed by this person and that person wanting to talk. It’s nice to see, but also makes you a little sad. You miss back home. You miss your friends and your family so much. It overwhelms you. You don’t know if this feeling will ever go away, perhaps you’ll only get used to it. 

Eventually Jimin gets bored, you don’t really blame him. You’re not exactly reciprocating the attention. He’s not rude about it though, far from it. He’s too nice to be an asshole. He tells you he needs the bathroom, and ten minutes later, when he still hasn’t come back, you notice him talking to one of his friends from earlier – a taller man, with tattoos all up one arm. Jimin sees you looking and mouths ‘sorry.’ You laugh and shake your hand as if to tell him it’s fine. However, now you’re just standing next to a table with a bunch of alcohol on it looking awkward. Your eyes find Seokjin again. This time he’s laughing with a guy wearing glasses who you weren’t introduced to. He’s facing you, so when he looks up he notices you stood all alone. He frowns, and then he’s making his excuses to his friend and coming over. 

“Where did Jimin go?” he asks once he’s made the short distance.

“He’s talking to a friend,” you reply, and then hesitate. “Listen… I’m going to leave now.” 

Seokjin expression immediately changes. “You’re leaving?” He glances around and spots Jimin. “Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah,” you rush, “everything’s fine. It’s just – well, I made plans to phone my family just before midnight.” 

It’s not a lie, but you’d planned to call them after midnight initially. They knew about the party and wanted you to go out and enjoy yourself, and you had enjoyed yourself for the short time you were here, but now you just really wanted to phone home and hear your mom’s voice. You’d wanted to spend tonight around Seokjin, but you worry you’d be no fun if you stayed. As expected, he understands completely. 

“Oh, of course.” He chuckles guiltily, cheeks flush from alcohol. “Sorry, didn’t think about that.” There’s silence as you both stare at one another, and for a moment it doesn’t feel like there’s anyone else here with you. You smile and then he smiles. “Well, happy early new year.” 

“And you.” 

He goes to take the glass in your hand, and your fingertips brush. You feel that same prickle of heat from last week. He continues to take the stem in his fingers, and now you’re both holding the wine glass. His touch is soft and warm, and reflexively you stroke your fingertips against his knuckles. Your eyes meet, and without looking he takes the glass with his other hand, leaving the hands that are still touching nothing to hold but each other. Your fingers curl and grip his gently. There’s something so simple yet intimate about it, and you feel hopeful. There’s still no one around you.

“See you next year,” you whisper, quiet amusement in your tone. 

One side of his mouth quirks up. “Yeah, I suppose you will.” 

You stroke his fingers one last time, and then let go. You don’t want to, but it’s probably for the best tonight. “Bye, Seokjin.” 

All he can do is nod, swallowing slightly as he watches you leave longingly, holding your empty glass in his hands. 

EIGHT

Your door buzzes just as you get off the phone. You’re so distractedly happy you don’t even pause to wonder who it might be, but of course the smile already on your face grows even wider when you see who it is. Similar to the way Seokjin’s had last night – and speaking of: 

“Good morning,” Seokjin beams, fresh as a daisy considering he was up late celebrating the new year. 

“Someone’s awake,” you note. 

“It’s not too early, is it?”

“Not at all.” You’ve been awake since 7am, as excited as a big kid. “What’s up?” 

Seokjin looks a little sheepish then. “…Another invitation.” 

Raising an eyebrow, you laugh. “You’re full of surprises. You never struck me as such the party animal.” 

“Me? You’re joking,” he scoffs. “I’m always out partying and clubbing, and getting whatever young people call getting wasted these days.” That makes you laugh some more, and you watch as a smile, that can only be described as shy, appears on his face. Seokjin can get shy? “No, uh, this is actually… It’s just me this time.” The skin around his neck has gone a patchy red. “I was wondering if you wanted to come over tonight? It’s just, well—actually,” he stops, and restarts. “No elaborate excuses. I just wanted to ask if you’d come over to watch a movie or something? We can eat and hang out.” He watches you hopefully. 

“Okay.” 

Your lightning-fast response takes him by surprise, eyes wide. “Really?” 

“Yes, really,” you giggle. “Were you expecting me to say no?” 

“I don’t know,” he mumbles, looking at his feet. “Maybe.” 

On the surface, his invite could be perceived as friendly, and you probably would have thought that if you hadn’t shared your little moment last night before you’d left his party. Neither of you bring it up, but you know it meant something, and you know this invite means something too. Maybe you’re both finally on the same wavelength. 

 //

 Getting ready later that day, you realise belatedly, that you hadn’t even told Seokjin your exciting news. Although, you’ll have plenty of time to talk tonight so you won’t forget again. You spend quite a bit of time deciding what to wear. It’s not exactly a date, and it’s at his home – which is just next door – so you don’t want to make too much of an effort, but you also don’t want to turn up in a simple jeans and t-shirt. These types of dilemmas would usually send you into a tailspin, but 1. It’s the first day of the new year and you’re feeling positive, and 2. It’s Seokjin. There’s no need to overthink things with him. You know that now. 

You decide on a peplum blouse, nothing too fancy, but it works. And it’s new. A Christmas gift from your sister. You spritz some perfume and say goodbye to Nox, who looks down at you curiously from his perch on the refrigerator. Then you make the short walk to Seokjin’s door. You have déjà vu, but this time there isn’t a party going on inside. This time it’s going to be only you and him. 

When he opens the door, his eyes comically bulge. “Woah,” he says, unable to stop looking at you. “You look really pretty.” You open your mouth to say thanks, but then he’s blurting: “Not that you don’t always – I mean—” 

“I know what you mean,” you laugh. Inside you’re flattered, unable to remember the last time you were called such a word. “You look pretty too,” you tell him, stepping inside and starting to unzip your boots. “New sweater?” 

He chuckles. “Yes, actually.” 

“I like it. Nice colour.” It’s beige and it really suits him. It makes him look broader than usual, if possible, and looks really soft too, maybe cashmere. 

For a short while Seokjin seems to be on pins, as if he’s not sure how to act around you. He laughs too awkwardly, drops things, and makes one too many jokes that actually aren’t that funny, but you laugh anyway because you find him adorable. You didn’t know Seokjin could be like this, such a bumbling fool. After you notice him tugging the neck of his sweater a few times you worry that he’s beginning to sweat. Softly, you reach over and touch his arm. “Don’t be so nervous,” you tell him with a smile. He nods, his following soft chuckle making your heart pitter-patter. 

After that he visibly relaxes. You decide where to order food from, Seokjin apologetic, because he would have cooked something himself, he just didn’t have much at home to impress you with. You don’t need to impress me, is your reply, and you make eye contact for longer than necessary, hoping he understands what you mean. During dinner, his demeanour shifts. He gets a little flirty and you flirt back. It’s different to your usual rapport but it comes naturally, as if it was always supposed to be like this. The next progression, one that’s slightly out of the bounds of friendship. 

Bellies full soon after, you move to his couch, wine in hand. You like Seokjin’s place, it’s cosy but minimalistic. You’d spent most of the time at your place while organising Christmas, but you always liked dropping in next door from time to time. Instead of watching a movie you end up just talking. No matter how much you’ve done this over the weeks, you still never find conversation drying up. 

“You should have brought Nox over too,” he says. You’re facing into one another, Seokjin’s arm leaning against the back of the couch. Your legs are curled underneath you, your wine glass sitting in your lap. 

“You didn’t invite him. Thought you wanted me all to yourself.” This is what you mean about flirting. You have not flirted with anyone since college, you’re not even sure you’re good at it, but Seokjin seems to be enjoying it. 

He feigns discomfort. “Actually…I was sort of using you as excuse to get to him…” 

You laugh, reaching forward to place your glass on the coffee table. “That’s cold.” When you settle back into your seat, he’s grinning at you. “What?” you ask uncertainly. 

“I just like that,” he muses, voice soft. “Hearing you laugh like that. It’s a great sound. Contagious.” 

“Don’t get too close then.” You push his shoulder playfully and impulsively he grabs your hand and holds it in his. 

“You were laughing a lot last night,” he says, moving your joined hands between your bodies. “It was nice to see.” He pauses, his fingertips brushing your knuckles, just like you had done to him last night. “Although… Tell me if I’m being inappropriate here – but I… I sort of wanted to be the one making you laugh like that.” 

“How do you know I wasn’t laughing at Jimin?” 

He contemplates this and then laughs. “Believable.” 

You link your fingers with his. You love the way he feels. “No, if I’m being honest, it felt nice to have someone blatantly flirting with me like that after all this time. But—” you make sure to emphasise this “—he’s not my type. At all.” 

“Ah.” Seokjin cocks his head to the side, trying hard to conceal his grin. “Yoongi did try telling me that.” 

“He did?” 

“He likes to think of himself as my official wingman.” 

You laugh. “It’s going well for you, I see.” 

“Well, I did attempt to ask you out on a date last week – totally unplanned, by the way – but somehow ended up telling you I was the reason every date I went on turned bad, so.” He shrugs as if to agree with you. “Although, that wasn’t Yoongi’s fault at all. It was my brother’s.” 

“Wait, what?” You’re in shock. “That was you trying to ask me out on a date?” 

He looks embarrassed. “Kind of, yeah.” 

“Oh, my god.” You don’t mean to laugh in his face, but you really can’t believe it. You had no clue, and it’s just so funny. 

“I don’t know where I was going with it, to be honest,” he admits. He shifts, his knee brushing yours. “And then you started telling me about Ben and I thought, fuck, I nearly ruined everything. I mean, then I kissed you about ten minutes later, so…” 

You pull a face, feeling guilty. “Sorry. Telling you about him probably ruined the moment.”  

“No,” he breathes, forehead creasing. “No, nothing like that, I promise.” His fingers squeeze yours. “I just… I didn’t want to seem like I was cornering you. I had no idea about – Well, I guess I had some suspicions, but I never thought it was…like that for you.” He sounds distressed for a second, and you don’t want that. You don’t want to talk about Ben. You don’t want to think about him, and especially not now. 

“You wouldn’t have been cornering me,” you say, reassuring him. You didn’t want him to feel guilty about something he had no idea about. 

“Are you sure?” he asks, voice low and careful. “I don’t want to rush anything, and I totally understand if you’re not in that type of place yet. I just – I’ve just really enjoyed these past few weeks with you.” He struggles for a moment. “At first, I saw it as a distraction, keep my mind of the, you know, the anniversary.” He looks down as he says that, and you give his hand a supportive squeeze. “Of course I didn’t want you to be lonely. I just didn’t want to be lonely either.” When he meets your eyes, his are full of purpose. “But I ended up having so much fun. It felt so…so…” 

“Normal?” 

“Yeah, normal,” he smiles, exhaling a laugh. “And nice,” he adds. “This probably sounds weird, but it showed me how a relationship could be. How it’s supposed to be when it works.” 

“It doesn’t sound weird,” you whisper, biting down on your lip. “I thought the exact same thing.” And you’re so happy he felt the same the entire time. 

Seokjin looks over the moon to hear that, but then guilt flits across his features. “I’m sorry I handled that kiss so badly. It was a mixture of things. I was sort of drunk, and I felt bad for doing it after you confided in me. But I also… you sprung up on me.” He swallows, collecting his thoughts. “Those dates I spoke about. They did end horribly most of the time, and yes, I was the root cause because I wasn’t ready. I was forcing myself, thinking it was what I had to do to get on with life. To forget about Skye. But with you, things just happened. Feelings just sort of happened.” 

“I know,” you say, relief so strong you don’t know what to do with yourself. “That kiss made me realise that maybe I’d started seeing you in a different light, but it was confusing.” You smile coyly, admitting: “I’m not confused anymore.” 

Seokjin’s eyes flash, and he says hopefully: “Are you sure? If you’re not ready to explore this right now, it’s okay. I can wait.” 

“I don’t think it’s something you can completely be ready for, regardless of the situation. You just have to take a chance.” You understand that now, and you want this bit of happiness, even if other things in your life aren’t as simple. You long for it. 

He moves in closer and smiles. “Can I kiss you again?” You’re still holding one another’s hands. “Properly this time. Without me running away.” 

“Well, I would hope you wouldn’t run away. This is your home.” It makes him laugh, the eye crinkles you love so much appearing. “But yes, you can kiss me. Please.” 

“There’s really no need to say please,” he murmurs, and then just like that his lips are on yours. 

It’s careful, just like the first time, but there’s a confidence that wasn’t there before. You can feel the difference immediately. That, and you kiss back instantly this time. It’s short and sweet, but it feels nice and it means so much. When he pulls away, there’s a funny grin on his face – sort of dorky. He unlaces your fingers so he can lift his hand to cup your face. His touch seems to seep through your skin – warm and gentle. “I wanted to do that last night.” 

You lift your eyebrows. “In front of everyone?”

“Okay, maybe I didn’t think it through,” he chuckles. “But, yeah, I had this grand gesture planned. I was going to kiss you at midnight and tell you how I feel.” 

You were slowly finding out that Seokjin is a massive romantic at heart. Proposing at Christmas time? Confessing his feelings just as the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s? …And you had ruined it all. The misery guts that had left the party because it made her miss home… 

“I’m sorry,” you murmur.  

He laughs, his eyes dropping to your lips. He leans in close again. “That’s okay. I like this version better.” 

This time the kiss lasts longer, your hand reaching out to hold his arm as your lips press harder together, slotting perfectly in place. He lets out an enjoyable hum, and for some reason that makes you giggle, laughing into his mouth. 

“What’s so funny?” he asks, laughing himself. “Hm? Tell me.” You can’t, choosing to hide your face in the crook of his neck instead. How do you tell him that you enjoyed the noise he’d just made very much. Your face feels hot, and you can’t stop laughing. His arms wrap around your middle, hugging you almost, despite the angle making it awkward. “Tell me,” he whines. 

Instead, you lift your head and hope he’ll give you more. Your expression must look different, because suddenly his eyes are darker and the look he gives you makes you feel faint. He holds you against his chest, capturing your mouth once more, the intensity different right away. One press of his mouth, two presses of his mouth, and then you feel the wet warmth of his tongue parting your lips. You let him inside, your tongue finding his eagerly, wanting to taste him, and he makes another noise, but it’s different this time. It’s gruffer, lodges in his throat, and you can’t help but make a noise too. He loves it, hands tightening around your waist. He’s backed up against the couch by now, and you’re kneeling into him. With an encouraging tap, one of his hands slipping to your thigh, and you take the hint, climbing into his lap with a confidence you didn’t know you had anymore. 

He cups your face again, attempting to break away, but failing. It takes around four attempts before he’s successful. “Okay?” he asks you, a little out of breath. 

You nod once, panting almost. “Okay,” you confirm, touched that he’s checking up on you. You dive back into his mouth which makes him laugh delightedly. You feel a little lightheaded, impatient. You hadn’t expected to feel this way. In fact, you hadn’t expected this to happen at all, but your body feels alive for the first time in so long, and you aren’t going to say no to her. She needs this. You need this. 

“You can touch me a little more, Seokjin,” you tell him, lips wet and puffy as you let him go briefly. His fingers have been hovering over your behind for a while now, and you don’t want him to hold back. Not with you, and without hesitation, his palm moves to one ass cheek, holding it firmly, feeling the flesh underneath his fingertips. You let out a small moan and roll into him. His eyes meet yours, and then your passing tongues again, your hands roaming the distance of his shoulders. His sweater is indeed very soft, and he is indeed very broad. 

You notice that he’s hard beneath you before he does, you think. Rolling into him again, you ask: “Are you enjoying that?” He’s slightly dazed, nodding his head, but when you move again, he realises what you’re grinding against. He jerks forward in a panic, hands on your hips to lift you up. “Shit, sorry,” he exclaims quietly, looking absolutely mortified. You stare down at him, confused by what’s going on, but he somehow takes it the wrong way and moves you so that you’re sitting next to him on the couch again. “That’s, uh, that’s really embarrassing,” he admits. “Don’t let it put you off.” 

“Seokjin,” you begin, your mouth open. In what world would an erection put you off? You’d be more offended if he didn’t have a boner right now. “Just because you can’t physically see how turned on I am right now doesn’t mean I’m not.” 

You want to reassure him, your hand coming out to rub his chest. It’s solid underneath your palm and your stomach tightens with want. He doesn’t need to be this careful around you. You trust him, and that means you can easily let him know if there’s something you feel uncomfortable with. His erection is not one of them. Actually, it’s something you want to get more comfortable with. 

“Oh.” 

You would laugh if you weren’t so pent up. “I’m flattered,” you let him know, your hand trailing down to his hip. You give him a tug and he moves forward, getting the message, his expression changing from panicked to aroused just like that. 

“Are you?” he asks, voice low as he moves over you. You lie back, letting him fit between your legs. He presses the obvious bulge against your thigh. “How flattered do you want to get?” 

“Well,” you say, trying to sound light and jokey, but by now he’s kissing your neck, and your voice wobbles. “You can’t give my ego too much of a boost because I probably need to get my head out of the door tonight.” 

‘Probably’ as in you sort of, kind of hope you don’t. Seokjin’s not listening anyway, too busy making his way up to your ear, nibbling the lobe, enjoying how you’re trembling underneath him. “You’re beautiful,” he whispers, kissing your pulse point which is thudding away. “And sexy.” Another kiss. You moan and writhe underneath him, thankful his couch is pretty wide. 

“Stop,” you giggle, unable to hold it in. “When have I ever been sexy in front of you?” 

He lifts his head, looking at you in disbelief. “There have been so many instances.” 

You scoff. “Name one.” His lips are kiss bitten, puffier than you’ve ever seen them. 

“That dress you wore Christmas Day,” he answers immediately. “Your cleavage looked amazing.” 

“My god,” you cry, feeling your face burn up. You look away from him and laugh. No one has ever called you sexy before. 

“Don’t be embarrassed,” he breathes, fingers edging their way underneath your blouse. It’s crazy how such a simple action can make you bend and fold. “You’re sexy right now too.” He sucks on your earlobe again, and then runs his tongue along the shell of your ear. Your back arches off the couch and you grip onto his sweater. “So sexy.” You feel the croak of his voice between your legs. He goes back to your ear because he’s found out something fun. You go crazy for it, and you hope his sweater wasn’t too expensive because you’re pulling it all shapes. 

“Take this off,” you demand breathlessly, and he obeys quickly, kneeling to tug it over his head. Your eyes are ready to eat up his naked torso, but instead, frustratingly, there’s a white t-shirt in the way. 

He chuckles when he sees your reaction, leaning down to kiss you sweetly. “I’m modest, get used to it.” 

“Mean,” you mutter, reaching for him again, lips on his. His hand cups one of your breasts, humming into your mouth, and you grasp at his back, feeling the solid muscles underneath your fingertips. He feels so good, you can’t get enough. 

He can’t either, impatient hands now tugging your blouse. “Can I?” 

“You have to unzip the back.” You try to sit up, Seokjin going with you so he can stretch over and get your zip undone. You try to help, and finally you’re both successful. He pulls the blouse over your head and throws it somewhere to the floor. Probably joining his sweater, although you can’t be too sure because you can’t remember where that went. Getting you back down, he lets his eyes wonder over your torso, catching sight of the lace on your bra. He likes that, his tongue wetting his bottom lip. “Pretty,” he utters, and then his hands are on you, soon followed by his mouth. 

He likes your boobs, and between all the kissing and groping you wonder what type of guy he is. What’s his preference? Boobs or ass? When his teeth graze your nipple, you can’t take it any longer. Your need for him is becoming too frustrating. You attempt to grip his face, wanting him to look at you. “Seokjin…” He looks up, eyes so hungry you forget what words even are. “Can we…” 

Immediately though, panic washes over his face and in the blink of eye he’s over you, caressing your face. “Fuck, sorry. I just thought…” You stare up at him, confused for a moment, and then understand what’s happened. “We can stop if you want,” he says gently. “Of course we can. Anything you want.” 

“No,” you laugh softly, shaking his shoulders. “No, I don’t want to stop.” His eyebrows lift, and you kiss him on the mouth. How have you not been kissing him the entire time you’ve known him? “I just… Should we go to your room? I can’t—” you stop, turning shy. “I can’t wait much longer…”  

Seokjin swallows, his jaw clenching sexily. “Right…my room.” He’s quiet, trying to control himself, but you know your words have had a serious effect on him. He’s pulling you from the couch in seconds, the both of you joined at the mouths as you stumble your way to his bedroom, bumping into things along the way, unable to even laugh at yourselves because you’re so pent up. You get centimetres from his door before he pins you up against the wall. You tug at his t-shirt, wanting it off. He doesn’t think twice and then you finally get to see him. His perfectly built torso, his shoulders, his collarbones… Beautiful. He’s beautiful. You touch him, run your hands all across his chest, your fingertips down his stomach, brushing against the faint trail of hair that’s half hidden due to the band of his branded underwear. His skin is hot to the touch, and just a little damp, and you love it. 

“I see all those gym visits are paying off,” you muse, smirking up at him. 

“Are you spying on me?” 

Your laugh is smothered by his mouth, and his hands move behind your back, finding your bra clasp. He unhooks it quickly, throwing it to the floor, and then he dives in. He kisses your boobs as if they can kiss back, although doesn’t mind when they can’t. He sucks each nipple in turn, getting them harder and harder, mouthing the soft flesh of your breasts over and over again, making them wet and swollen. You think: Yep, definitely a boob man, but then his hands are squeezing your ass, grinding you against his crotch, and you’re back to being unsure again. 

Your fingers start fighting with the fly of his jeans. You get the button loose, his zip halfway undone, and you’re just about to slide your hand inside when Seokjin stops you, his hand holding yours. You look at him, meeting his dark eyes, and he looks oddly serious. Not sexually serious but concerned serious. “Are you sure about this?” 

You smile slowly, moving your hand to lace your fingers with his. “If you are too.” If feels like you’ve never been this sure of anything in your life.  

Seokjin takes a deep, shaky breath and kisses your nose. “More than sure.” 

“Good. Now show me your bedroom.” 

You want to pay more attention as you get inside, but between all the desperate kissing and needy groping, it’s sort of hard. You manage to make note of the fact that the walls are a light grey, and his bed is a lot lower than yours. You notice that because you get a fright as he’s sinking you down on it. There’s quite a bit of black too. The sheets, they’re black and grey. He undoes your jeans and pushes them past your hips where you take over, kicking them off and throwing them to the side of the bed as he takes his off too. His boxer shorts are grey, and they fit him snugly. As he gets on top of you again, you can’t help yourself and grope his butt. It takes him by surprise, makes him chuckles. 

“I like your butt,” you say simply.

“What a coincidence, I like yours too.” He readjusts, body pressed up against your side, erection digging into your hip, and kisses you again. Then his hand ghosts down your stomach, stopping just above your underwear. He pauses, and then continues his trail, rubbing you above the fabric. You instantly moan against his mouth, and he licks into it, grunting. You can feel your arousal growing with each movement, hear it too after a short while. You’re so responsive, his touch feels electric. His fingers ever so slowly drift upwards, dipping under the band of your underwear. He breaks the kiss, looking at you. “Is this alright?” 

You nod, reaching to kiss him again as he slips his hand inside. Your body melts, hot and pulsing as he starts to rub your clit, and unable to stop himself he needs to see. He watches his hand move inside your underwear for a few moments before his mouth finds its way to your breasts. The double stimulation is almost too much, and your feet squirm around his sheets, your moans getting more persistent and even louder. It’s been a long time since you’ve been pleasured like this, so solely. You’re a little afraid you might cum already, but just as you’re wondering if you should warn him to ease off, he stops, kissing each of your nipples in turn before he slides his hand out of your underwear. Then he’s sitting up to pull them off altogether. You lay there, trying to catch your breath, smiling up at him as he catches your eye. You feel all warm and gooey, but also so incredibly turned on you’re vibrating. 

Fully bare, he stares at you in awe. There’s something comforting about it, and you’re surprised to realise you don’t feel self-conscious at all. Not when he’s looking at you like you’re the only woman to ever exist. His fingertips trace up and down your thighs, and he flickers his gaze to your face. “You’re so beautiful.” 

You chuckle quietly, turning your face to the inside of your arm. “No, really,” he swears, leaning down. He kisses your stomach, hands on your waist. “You’re gorgeous.” You part your legs, letting him fit between them and he lets out a groan, kissing lower and lower, stopping just above your core. His eyes look up at you, mouth still against your skin. “Can I go down on you?” he asks.

“Yeah,” you whisper. “Okay.” You brace yourself and look up at the ceiling. But when you feel him softly kiss his way down, you relax as if by magic, sinking into the sheets. He kisses your clit, his warm breath tickling you, making you wriggle, his hands on your hips. You feel his tongue then, brushing across where his lips just were, applying gradual pressure. He’s kissing you, his tongue pressing and lapping against you, lips wrapping around our clit, and it feels so good you have to close your eyes, moaning softly as he speeds up a little. 

When you press your feet into the bed, legs bent at the knee to spread them, Seokjin detaches himself, moaning throatily, one hand reaching between your legs to stroke your entrance. It’s a little bit worrying to have him so close to the most intimate part of your body, and while you don’t feel uncomfortable, it’s still playing on your mind. His kisses soothe you though – comforting, adoring kisses that he places all around you as he carefully slides one finger inside of you. Your hips jerk forward at the intrusion, Seokjin’s other hand holding your thigh, stroking the skin. 

“Look at me for a moment,” he requests softly. 

You do open your eyes and take a peek, but then you giggle, covering your eyes with your hands. “I can’t.” 

He laughs too, fondly. “Alright.” He strokes your insides, and you start to move, rolling your hips into him. He kisses you again, and then sucks gently on your clit. You moan, feeling it everywhere, and soon, Seokjin is finding out exactly what makes your body talk. He works his jaw, his mouth, his fingers, picking up the pace and then slowing it down. Applying pressure when you want it and then easing off when you get too sensitive. You don’t speak, neither does he. All you can do is moan and sigh out, hold your breath at the really good parts. 

He grunts with effort, and it vibrates through your body, only adding to the pleasure you feel. You’re close to coming in no time at all, body so sensitive to touch like this, but you don’t say anything in warning because it’s obvious what he wants. He wants to make you cum, and that thought alone is enough to send you over the edge. But what really does it is when you curiously glance down and see his face buried between your thighs. The sight is so erotic it has your entire body tensing up, clit throbbing against his tongue so hard you’re certain he can feel it. You cum with breathy moans, one after the other, as he works you through it determinedly. Your legs gradually close around him, and one hand reaches down your body to push at his head weakly when you get too sensitive. 

He pulls away, his face covered with your arousal, and eases his finger out of you gently. When he notices you looking at him he seems surprised. You give him a drunken smile and he gives you a devastating grin in return, crawling up your body. You cling to his shoulders and kiss him, the urge to taste yourself on his lips strong. 

“How was that?” he asks curiously, coming up for air. 

“I can’t remember the last time I came like that. Ever.” You’re still breathless, heart drumming inside your chest, and your body feels all warm and floaty. You want to feel like this forever, you think. It’s the most carefree you’ve felt in years. 

Seokjin chuckles, but he’s also out of breath – and massively turned on. You can feel his length digging into your stomach, and you wonder to yourself how he has this much patience? His eagerness to pleasure you is something else, but now you want it to be his turn. It’s his first time in a while, you think. His first time with someone new, and you want to reassure him, make him feel wanted and good about himself. 

“That’s putting me under a lot of pressure,” he murmurs, dropping to your side when you nudge him. You kiss his mouth, then his jaw. His hand finds your hip when you suck softly against his neck. “Please bear with me, it’s been a while,” he continues, voice trembling. 

“I believe in you,” you grin, kissing across his chest. You notice how red it’s gotten, flushed and damp with sweat. 

He pulls you in for a kiss again, hot and heavy, and then stops abruptly. “Shit, do I even have condoms?” Sitting up, you go with him, slipping to his side as he starts to root around in his top drawer. You’re laughing, but at the same time praying he does in fact have a condom. “Success!” he sings, holding one up, before cutely squinting to check the sell-by date. 

You kiss him, the two of you gradually lying back again, you half over his body, naked and sticking together. “Do you need a moment?” he asks, one hand palming your breast, fingertips playing with the nipple, as if he has to touch a part of your body at all times. 

“Just a little bit more,” you say, squeezing your legs together and noticing your still quite sensitive. Your tongues move together some more, and you can still taste yourself. Breaking away, you glance down his body. “By the way, I have a bone to pick with you…” 

He laughs, his hand reaching for his crotch, squeezing his massive erection. “Mm, I have a bone too.” 

“No kidding,” you scoff. The more you look at it, the more daunting it seems to get. “You’ve been calling Nox big guy this entire time whilst keeping that secret.” 

“I’m sorry, was I supposed to tell you the size of my dick the first day we met or the second?” 

You snort. “Fair point.” 

He notices you still staring. “You can stroke him if you like. I promise he doesn’t bite.” His voice is low, dangerous, and you feel it everywhere. Slowly you reach forward, feeling him for the first time. He throbs, letting out a soft noise that has you tilting your head to kiss him. You squeeze him, and he chuckles, his breath hot against your mouth. “Well, unless you want him too…” 

His eyes are so dark now they look almost black, and they pool with so much desire you feel uncontrollable. He wants you so badly, it’s obvious, and you feel the exact same way. “Can I see?” you whisper, looking down again. 

Seokjin’s fingers grip the waistband of his underwear and tug, dick springing out with a thump against his stomach. You feel fresh arousal pool between your legs, and squeeze them tight, the sight of his erection turning you on greatly. He’s long, a little intimidating, but your mouth waters, nevertheless. You touch him, fingers lightly stroking him up and down, and the tip leaks a fresh drop of precum, red and impatient. 

Seokjin groans when you wrap your fist around the base and start pumping him. Slow, precise pumps, that you make indulgently, loving the feel of him. Looking at him, you smile, your voice practically just breath. “I’ve had my moment.” He returns the action, despite his jaw being partially slack as you continue to stroke him. 

Leaving him alone long enough to allow him to take his underwear off and put the (in date) condom on, he gets you onto your back again, kissing you deeply so you can feel it all over, the both of you enjoying it so much you’re moaning quietly already. His mouth moves down your body, kissing between your boobs, and then across your stomach as he shuffles down the bed and parts your legs, checking to see how wet you are. His thumb nudges your clit a couple of times before he inserts a finger inside of you, bending it at the knuckle to coax you further. Satisfied you’re ready, he sits back on his heels, and scoots closer, the backs of your thighs resting on his knees. You sit up on your elbows and watch him begin to press the head of his cock against your opening. You take a deep breath, making sure not to tense up. 

“I’ll go really slowly, okay?” he tells you, thumb back on your clit, circling the sensitive bundle of nerves. “Tell me if it feels uncomfortable or hurts.” 

You nod, and then you feel him push slightly, your walls opening up to accommodate the stretch. He’s deep in concentration as he moves further, getting about halfway inside before he starts to feel some resistance. Ever so carefully he begins to thrust, moving slowly, his eyes flicking up to yours to check if you’re okay. You smile at him, a soft moan escaping past your throat, which in turn makes him let out his own noise of pleasure. 

You reach a hand out to him, wanting to feel him closer, wanting his body against yours. He listens, his breathing heavy as your mouths connect and your arms wrap around his shoulders, gripping him to you. He continues to thrust, opening you up further, and after a small while he eases the remaining inches inside you, bottoming out completely before pressing his hips firmly against yours. You moan out, fingers pressing into his shoulder blades as your walls squeeze around him, hugging him tight. He lets out a breathless groan, his face falling to the croak of your neck, and for some reason you decide right then and there to get the giggles.  

“What?” he asks bemusedly, lifting his head to look at you. 

“I don’t know,” you giggle, fully apologetic. “I’m so sorry. Please just ignore me.” 

Your laughter makes him laugh. The sound is deep and sexy, and he kisses you, hot breath mingling with yours. “This is not the time for laughter,” he whines, wet mouth now trailing down your chin and throat. He presses his hips against yours again, making you moan, and he loves it, doing it again. And again. Soon, giggling is the last thing on your mind. 

“You feel so amazing,” he says, voice low and gruff, and it makes you squeeze him harder. “God, I love it.” 

You kiss again, your bodies moving together instinctively as you both chase the pleasure. Seokjin gradually starts to pick up the pace, and you can hear how aroused you are, it gets you hotter, and without realising it, you’re moaning his name. First against his lips as they press urgently together, and then inside his ear when he can’t take it any longer, falling to your shoulder with a broken grunt. His name from your lips seems to do something to him, his thrusts getting faster, sloppier, and it begins to feel so good you don’t know what to do with yourself. 

So when you suddenly feel him ease off, you cling to him automatically. “Not yet,” he murmurs, maybe more to himself, his mouth engulfing yours, his tongue needing yours. “Not yet,” he repeats, swallowing your moans, shallowly moving his length inside of you before he pulls out completely, moving down your body. His lips wrap around your nipple, sucking softly. You let out a little cry, hands reaching for his hair, fingers running through it. 

He moves beside you, rolling you onto your side, hands roaming your chest, cupping and moulding your breasts as he kisses up and down your neck and over shoulder. “You’re driving me crazy.” He sounds agonised, and it only turns you on even more. Having this effect on him feels addictive. 

He lifts your leg over his thigh and moves closer, pressing up against your ass. Using his hand, he directs himself back into your body, pushing inside slowly, indulgently, and you both moan out. His fingers find your clit, rubbing it in circular motions and it feels so amazing you can’t help but jerk into him. He groans, his hand gripping your hip in a second. 

“Don’t do that again, but also, do do that again.” His voice is in your ear, breath tickling it as he chuckles huskily, and he begins to glide your ass over him. When you feel his tongue, you shiver, much to his delight, and he goes back to playing with your clit. You give him what he wants, sliding up and down his wet cock all on your own, driving him wild. You can hear his breathing getting heavier, practically panting as he feels you use his body to get yourself off, and before long your walls start to squeeze around him, your second orgasm of the night building up. 

Seokjin lets out an amazed cry when he feels you cum around him, wrapping his arm around you quickly so he can hold you against his chest, feeling you pulse erratically around his dick as you shudder for breath. You’re both very sweaty by now, sticking to one another, flesh burning hot, but softly, Seokjin kisses your shoulder. His gentle voice is in your ear as your heart thuds against your ribcage. “Are you alright to continue?” 

You moan out a yes in response, not even sure it sounds like the word, but he understands, his hips starting to carefully thrust again. You’re sensitive, but you really want Seokjin to cum too. That desire alone encourages you and before long it starts to feel amazing again, allowing him to speed up. His thrusts start to gain power, his release at the forefront of his mind, and soon your partway on your stomach as he rolls his hips into your ass, pressing you into the mattress. His breathy moans grow more frequent as he speeds up, your name falling from his lips, and God, it feels so good. Not long after, he lets out one final drawn-out groan, burying himself deep inside you right before he starts to cum. He makes small movements as he releases into the condom, prolonging the feeling for as long as possible, and then collapses against your body, still careful not to crush you. You can feel his heart pounding against your back. 

A moment later, he presses a tired, but tender, kiss against the back of your shoulder. 

.

.

After you’re both cleaned up, you crawl under the covers (still very much naked because your clothes are strewn throughout his home), not ready for the night to be over. Seokjin’s bed is so comfortable, and his sheets smell really good. You ask him what laundry detergent he uses and that makes him laugh really hard for some reason, totally smitten. 

For a while it seems he’s unable to participate in actual conversation, but there’s lots of smiles and touches, kisses too – the sweet and gentle kind. It feels nice to be this close to someone, and so natural for it be Seokjin of all people. Your neighbour, your friend who lives next door to you, someone new who now means a lot to you. 

“I can’t believe that happened,” he finally says, speaking more than two words for the first time since you finished having sex. He laughs. “I was expecting a goodnight kiss, and that’s only if I was lucky.” 

“I wasn’t even expecting that,” you admit, reaching a hand towards his chest. 

He covers his hand with yours, smiling over at you, his cheek slightly marred by his pillow. He’s still flushed and feels so warm and soft. “We should definitely think about bashing down the wall between our condos. You know, easy access.” 

You snort. “I don’t think that’s allowed.” 

He instantly looks affronted. “Why not?” You laugh some more, and then his hand slips under the covers and feels for your body, cupping your waist. “So… will you let me take you on one of my famous dates tomorrow?” 

You hum in thought. “With your apparent track record, I’m thinking I should probably pass.” 

He moves closer, body heat spreading. “I don’t know, I have a feeling this one will go really well…” 

“I should warn you though…” Your mouths are millimetres apart. “I don’t put out on the first date.” 

He doesn’t expect that, and it makes him laugh, head falling back against the pillow. “That’s a shame. I guess I’ll just have to hold onto the memory of tonight for a little while.” Leaning in to kiss him, he cups your face before breaking away. “What do you say? Tomorrow night? 7pm?” 

You grin, just the idea of a date tomorrow exciting you greatly, but then, just like that, you remember something. “Oh, no,” you exclaim, face falling. Amongst all the distraction tonight had brought, the talking, and the…surprise sex, you’d forgotten to tell Seokjin your news. “I won’t be here at 7pm tomorrow.” Seokjin looks puzzled. You explain further. “I’ll be on a plane.” 

“A plane?” he repeats, hand falling to your shoulder. 

“Last night… I got pretty emotional on the phone to my parents.” 

“You were upset?” Seokjin’s voice is filled with concern, forehead creasing. 

“It’s a whole other story, I don’t want to bore you with the details,” you say, shaking your head. 

“You sure?” 

You smile gratefully. “Not right now, okay?” You don’t want to concentrate on anything sad or worrying right now. You want to hold onto this happiness for as long as possible. Seokjin nods, and you continue with your story. “My parents want me to come home for a few days before work starts back. Spend a belated Christmas with them. We booked last-minute flights at 1am this morning.” 

You’d fought them on it at first, not wanting them to waste their money on you, but ultimately had given in. You needed to see them. Your siblings too. All your family, your friends… You needed to be home for a few days. 

“Oh.” You can tell the news has taken Seokjin by surprise. 

“I’m sorry,” you say. “With all the…excitement I forgot to tell you.” 

He smiles then, laughs shortly after. “That’s okay.” 

You peck his cheek. “I’ll miss you.”

“Me too.” You feel his arms wrap around your middle and welcome the feeling. “But I’ll miss Nox more.” 

“SEOKJIN!” 

He laughs cheekily, and maybe it’s your favourite now. A little more serious, but still messing around, he asks: “What will I do without you next door?” 

“I’m sure you’ll survive.” 

“Will I?”

You squeal as he pulls you on top of him easily, your chests pressed up together, and then he’s kissing you, taking his time, making it last, because now he has to go nearly a week without it. 

Pulling away, you nuzzle into his jaw. “I promise as soon as I get home, I’ll take you out. Treat you real nice. Get you home by midnight…”

His laugh rumbles in your ear. “Okay, I’ll hold you to that.” 

And he does. 

jordan’s note; please let’s take a moment to think of Nox, who is home alone right now wondering where his mom is 😭

Written 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

[floralseokjin]

small nsfw winter solace teaser 👀

Breaking away, you glance down his body. “I have a bone to pick with you…” 

He laughs, his hand reaching for his crotch, squeezing his massive erection. “Mm, I have a bone too.” 

“No kidding,” you scoff. The more you look at it, the more daunting it seems to get. “You’ve been calling Nox a big guy this entire time whilst keeping that secret.” 

“I’m sorry, was I supposed to tell you the size of my dick the first day we met or the second?” 

You snort. “Fair point.”

[floralseokjin]

jordan im screaming!!! isn’t this basically winter solace seokjin when he came home from the office??? the hallway setting thooo https://twitter.com/seokjinfile/status/1472916610998763522?s=21 you’re not lying when you said that at this point any of your fics just write themselves 🥺🤣

hot hot HOT 🥵 I can totally see it! Especially with the hallway setting ahhhh! thank u for thinking of my fic <3

[floralseokjin]

Every time you write a new fic, I think “this is it— this is the best thing she’s ever written. And it’s so perfect that it will be hard to top this.” And yet you do, every single time!!

I’ve been following you for years now and it’s been so wonderful to see you grow as a writer. I can tell that you’ve really pushed yourself to work hard and continuously improve your writing, even though you already started in a really strong place on this blog! (Honestly I find myself rereading your fics all the time because they’re all *so good*)

I love a tortuous good friends to lovers slow burn, which you’re absolutely brilliant at, but my favorite part about your fics is the way you have them finally cross that line from just friends to something more. It’s never too abrupt, nor is it annoyingly slow— it always happens at exactly the right time. You write these moments so perfectly that even after several rereads, I still get butterflies.

Anyway— congrats on another amazing, beautiful, incredible, wonderful, gorgeous story. I am in awe of your talent and hard work, and I feel so lucky that you share your pieces with the rest of the world. 💓💓

This is probably one of the nicest asks I’ve ever received 😭 Thank you so much for following and reading my work for so long, it really means so much to me. These past 18 months – 2 years, I’ve really challenged myself to improve my storytelling, so I’m happy you’ve noticed that! Really glad you enjoyed Winter Solace and how it played out. I don’t know what else to say, you’ve said such lovely things that I’m speechless 🥺 THANK YOU 💖

[floralseokjin]

I’m so glad how heavily you emphasise the big dick!jin agenda bc sometimes I’ll read like those master posts that’ll be like BTS in bed and somehow they’re like “yeah I don’t see Seokjin being that big” and I’m like ??? THAT SELF CONFIDENCE HAS TO COME FROM SOMEWHERE BC YES HE’S HOT AS HELL BUT ALSO HM HM HMMM Y’KNOW? big dick agenda aside I’m so excited to meet a new jin and have him wreck all my standards in men for the seven millionth time lmao 🥰😍🥰

LMAO no because every time I see those posts I feel PERSONALLY OFFENDED 😅 I’m glad I’m not alone.. Obviously I know it’s not that deep, all just a bit of fun but my man will always have a big dick when I’m writing him 🤧

Thanks for being excited to meet the new Seokjin! He’s got me in a (very soft bc he’s a sweetie) chokehold right now but what’s new, I always fall in love with my fictional men lol

[floralseokjin]

Jordan what have u done to me😫 I was Goodland black Maine coon cats at 6 am when I saw you had dropped the new teaser and I have to admit that nox is the new purrfect matchmaker (stf!yoongi has a strong antagonist). Can't wait to meet the new seokjin, ever since fs!seokjin I started to like so much Christmas themed jin fics (I mean fs!seokjin is the hottest thing ever, easily in the top 3 of the hottest fictional jins ever existing imo). I hope you're doing well and thank you for creating another amazing story❤ (idc that it's not out yet!! I know I'm gonna love it!!)

googling autocorrecting to goodland has me laughing lmao but ahh really 🥺 I forgot to link last night but I’ve made a pinboard for the fic and there’s a few pics of what I imagine Nox to look like and I LOVE HIM!!! Will he be a better wingman than stf! Yoongi? who knows, we’ll just have to wait and see (or maybeee there’s a new yoongi wingman in town 👀)

I feel like FS! Seokjin and WS! Seokjin are quite different, but both super loveable in their own way, but yay for christmassy Jins!!! Thank you so much for being excited for the new fic! It cheers me on so much! 💖

[floralseokjin]

what’s better than christmas? Jordan writing a christmas seokjin fanfic that INCLUDES A CAT.

Christmas, Seokjin and cats, what more do we need!!

[floralseokjin]

@aprilisque replied to winter solace and said: the whole time i was reading this, i had the biggest, dorkiest smile on my face. this was an absolutely amazing oneshot and i enjoyed every second of it🥺 alsooooo the fact that mc owned a cat made me so happy, because it's something i don't see that often. (plus i also have a cat hehe). ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT SEOKJIN FOR A SECOND??? WHERE DO I GET MYSELF ONE??? he's just sooo perfect. like the type you'd want to bring home to your parents and spend the rest of your life with. i am so smitten with his character. what an amazing guy!! he and mc were so cute together, i kept squealing the whole time they had those little moments in between the two of them. and the writing was just extraordinarily good!! THE QUALITY OF THIS >>>>> wow. i am impressed. you just gained yourself a new follower hehe, can't wait to read more of your work!! thank you for writing this! merry christmas and happy new year to you ❤

wahhh I’m so happy you enjoyed this story! It means so much reading your comments. THANK YOU! Happy new year 🎉