Don't hate me, but I was poking around teh yootoobz and found SNL's "Fighter Pilots" sketch from 1/28/18. Permission for a detailed analysis of how accurate it is. 😅
So I’m assuming you mean this video:
There is....a lot wrong with this, but probably the funniest error is not that one dude has a callsign as blatantly childish and stupid as “Clown Penis” but that all the other dudes have cool callsigns like “Viper” and “Sidewinder.”
Actual callsigns of people I have flown with (including one that was temporarily my callsign before I earned ‘Pedals,’ but I’m not going to tell you which):
Maggot, Goo, FUNGUS (Fuck U New Guy Shut Up - and yes, I know the last two letters are swapped), Kweef, Skeetles (look it up on urban dictionary, I’m not explaining), Master (last name Bates - remember, all these names are written in their entirety on the side of the jet, so one jet in this squadron literally had “LT Tobias Master Bates” painted in big block letters under the cockpit), Raw Dog, Swamp Donkey, Noodles (it’s funnier/dumber in context)
Callsigns I have never heard on fighter pilots outside of movies:
Viper, Sidewinder, Maverick, Ace, Ice Man
Anyway, none of these callsigns, cool or stupid, would be said over the radio in normal comms. You would use whatever your mission-specific callsign was (for example: for a defensive mission, perhaps we would all be Shield, and all we would say to identify ourselves would be “Shield 1,” Shield 2,” Shield 3″ etc. Also, and I bring this up only because it is a thing in like, every movie ever and it drives me nuts: NO ONE SAYS “OVER” OR “OUT” Technically, IF you were to use it, you would only ever end your final transmission with “out,” because it means “Hey, I’m done with you now and I am turning off this frequency, this conversation is finished.” “Over” is a weird army thing, I think. No one says ‘Over’ in the air force or navy aviation.
But although this sketch gets the comms, the names, the implication that he named himself (a huge No in the fighter community), the fact that 50,000 feet is insanely high and not a normal operating area, afterburner is not a thing we go into for prolonged periods of time, and just generally everything else, there is one thing this gets painfully correct:
There’s always that one guy. You know, that guy, the one who is never in position, somehow inverted and with all his alarms going off, taking himself way too seriously, clogging up the radio with bullshit and making the female ground controllers uncomfortable.
hi! absolutely adore when you write about your pilot knowledge in relation to star wars.. it's so so fascinating to me since i have zero knowledge! also, i hope life is treating you well and that everything is fine work wise! sending good vibes your way!
Thank you for the good vibes, and the compliment! Always happy to chat about flying or pilot stuff in general, and adding it in relation to Star Wars is just fun. For some reason I seem to have developed a passion for discussing both the logistical side of the Rebel Alliance and the strategic stances of the rebellion in general and it’s leaders in specific...so I’m always up to chat about that stuff, too. I’ll talk all day about how it might have felt for Luke Skywalker (or Bodhi Rook, if we’re doing AUs) to transition from “pokey commercial speeder” or “loaded cargo hauler” to “high-speed high-maneuverable fighter” because let me tell you, I have over 1500 hours in fighters and the feeling is like nothing else. You want to talk about fighting/thinking/emoting while under excessive g-forces? I’m here for you! You want to talk about the differences between Pretty Fights With Lots Of Shouting compared to Actual Desperate Scramble For Survival? I’M READY.
Star Wars in particular both utterly satisfies my love of cool flying and immensely frustrates my sense of actual danger and Heroic Behavior. I mean, I understand the raw appeal of dogfights in cinema, I really do. But dogfighting in the fighter pilot world is actually a LAST RESORT sort of thing and there are just so many other elements of a fight scene that routinely get ignored. I just sort of want to talk forever about it, and what it says about leaders like Mon Mothma, Wedge Antilles, Poe Dameron, Gial Ackbar or on the other side, every Grand Moff ever and Darth “Best Pilot I Ever Knew” Vader.
Look, if your only attack plan is “point your guns at the other guy and fire at the closest range possible,” you are not smart, and any cool move you bust out to save yourself from their deadly response is only necessary because you created that danger in the first place. Sending in fighter craft ahead of the big ships is standard doctrine, but then following up with...no long range support? Point blank ramming ranges AS PLAN A and not because you were forced into a corner? Flying along the ground weaving through active surface to air cannons when you have weapons that can shoot from literally thousands of feet away? That was necessary during the trench run on the Death Star 1 battle over Yavin because of the DS’s Established Weak Point, but over Eadu? Over Crait? Over Takodana? Nope! Throwing everything you have into a direct frontal assault with no workarounds, tricks, sidebars, splitting of enemy forces, or literally ANYTHING ELSE? Never works! (FYI this is why I was as summarily unimpressed with Poe’s fancy flying in the beginning of the second new movie as Leia herself. It was genuinely a stupid and pointless move that killed a lot of people, destroyed precious assets they couldn’t afford to lose, and in the long run accomplished exactly nothing for the resistance. A witty one-liner and a neato spin-turn does not justify maverick tactics.)
Don’t get me wrong, “at least make sure you sound cool on the radio” is absolutely a thing in real fighter pilot culture. But there’s a line between the swaggering “Hello, I just shot down your Star Destroyer with an ancient museum-bound fighter held together by vintage duct tape, why yes, I am The Shit, [cool guy sunglasses on]” and the staggeringly stupid “hi, I think sick loops are more important than stand-off range and survivability ratios [flies my squadron face-first into a SAM* battery].” I want to see cool dogfights with X Wings...but I want there to be a reason I’m seeing it, beyond “our heroes literally have no other ideas.”
...anyway, thanks Anon. I do so love our little chats.
*SAM = Surface to Air Missiles (missile launcher capable of sending dozens of targeted missiles at incoming air threats)
Sort of old news I know but do you think the air force was right to scratch formation landings off of training requirements in the wake of the crash last november?
You know, I'm getting irritated that Tumblr doesn't tell me when I get inbox asks anymore. Sorry, anon, I wasn't ignoring you, promise. To be honest, I don't agree with removing formation training, although I get why they did it. The AF has always been a bit Reactionary to crashes, in my opinion. See, here's the thing: formation flying for photo ops is kind of pointless danger, but formation flying because your wingman blew out an engine or lost their sensor rig in the middle of a sandstorm and can't *see* is an absolutely vital skill that saves lives. If my wingman goes "blind" or has a major malfunction/damage/physical injury while flying (I once had a wingman whose sinuses just fucking exploded while we were landing, filling his mask with blood and nearly choking him), well, that's when Lead's job is now to fly as close as possible to the mishap plane and guide him home, you know? I don't think the AF needs to teach pilots to do fancy Thunderbirds maneuvers for funsies, but they do absolutely need to know how to perform a low-visibility drop off or a mishap pickup.
A bit ago, @mosylufanfic asked my thoughts on the operational design and tactical deployment of X-Wings, and since studying fighter craft for these exact things is a large part of my job (and a thing I really like to do), I jumped at the invitation to geek out for a bit. Thanks, you’re the best.
So let me start this with two very important notes/disclaimers:
1. No information in this commentary is meant as a direct reflection of the opinions or values of the United States Armed Forces, and absolutely nothing in here is Classified or FOUO. It is entirely my (somewhat curated for security) opinions based on my personal experience.
2. Credentials: My platform is the F/A-18F (Navy variant, AESA loaded):
I have multiple combat tours and over a thousand hours in type. I also did a tour as a flight and tactical instructor for the Advanced Aviation Training pipeline, so I’m reasonably qualified to discuss the (again, UNCLASSIFIED) tactical deployment of the X-Wing in the Star Wars universe. I am NOT, however, officially trained as an astronaut or aeronautical engineer with any emphasis on space, I just think it’s neat and have done my own casual reading on the subject. So if I screw up my tactics based on a fundamental misunderstanding of how the phenomena of space might affect the materials/individuals involved, that’s on me.
General platform commentary first:
Let me just start with the most important thing: The X-Wing looks sexy as hell.
Yes, it matters. (a)
Good, that’s out of the way. Now for functionality:
PROS: It’s fast, light, maneuverable (more so than the TIE, we’re told), and apparently has a cockpit designed to closely resemble the most common civilian interfaces in the galaxy (barring, I hope, the weapons systems). This helps the Alliance take, say, a random farmboy from an Outer Rim territory and plunk him down in the X-Wing without having to worry that he won’t know the throttle from the stick, so there is that. It also seems to have a decent layout inside, with a nice big screen right up in front of the pilot (some Real World craft put the screen down sort of between the knees and behind the control stick, which is…annoying).
I don’t know what all these switches and buttons and lights are supposed to be, because honestly I’m almost sure most of these things are here to look cool on screen and no one thought through what they actually do. I assume the row of buttons at the top are circuit breakers, though (which yes, we have the in Super Hornet cockpits too).
Further explanation of this image (and other panels in the cockpit) is here if you’re interested. (Yes, real cockpits can be just as busy and confusing as the ones designed simply to look neat.)
So anyway, looking at this X-Wing cockpit, I don’t know what any of this stuff does, or why they have a screen that seems to function purely as a Windows Media Visualizer of the pilot’s personal theme music, but it looks really neat and implies that the X-Wing has a multitude of functionalities AND probably looks pretty as Christmas morning in the dark of space.
CONS: First, a gripe that may or may not be relevant: No ejection seat. I mean, one might exist, there might be a system of escape for the pilot in the event of catastrophic failure (reasonable headcanon ideas: the cockpit is itself a sealed escape pod, the helmets/orange suits have space-worthy sealing that pops on when they eject, the seats have some sort of space-worthy life support system…). If there is, I’ve never seen anyone in the movies use it, however. Sure, you’re thinking “who ejects in the middle of combat? Won’t they just get shot down? But consider this: how fast are those TIE going? Think they can get a lock on a slow, randomly moving, tiny target like a single person? Think they’ll even bother, especially with other rebel craft trying to blow them out of the sky? Highly unlikely that they even can lock on a soft target, anyway, let alone actually have the time to aim and fire. Plus, that argument is essentially “stay in the exploding craft because outside might be dangerous.” Uh, no.
Anyway, if there really is no ejection seat, then you’re just expected to go down with your craft, even if it’s some kind of mechanical failure or you take a bird down the engine intake or something (b). Really? You’re just expected to die with the craft? Nonsense. Utter nonsense. The Alliance in particular needs to fix that problem ASAP if it’s the case, because they absolutely do not have the human resources (c) to just let their trained, experienced, dedicated and morally-aligned pilots die the way the Empire does.
So that sucks.
But here is the biggest issue/confusion I have with the X Wing. I will admit, and this is probably going to shock anyone who knows how much I love the look of the X-Wing - I don’t understand the point of wings being able to open and close like this. The closest thing we have IRL is the sweep wing:
This is the F-14 TOMCAT, now retired from the force, but the idea is not uncommon. (d) That’s done for variations in maneuverability, speed, and fuel efficiency. It is 100% designed around the principles of in-atmosphere flight, however. So what does the X-Wing’s iconic open/closed wing configuration do for it? Well, I speculate that the closed configuration has more to do with hyperspace than anything, since we usually see them popping out of hyperspeed with closed wings, and opening them of course signals that Some Shit Is About To Go Down. I do know, however, that this open/close design makes it incredibly hard to hang any ordnance on those wings. The wings are, traditionally, where the bombs and missiles go.
The open/closed configuration makes this style of loading pretty much impossible (it would ruin the wings, throw the balance wildly off in atmosphere, and probably cause all kinds of launching problems with the ordnance itself), which is probably why we see no equivalent of the Sparrow or the AMRAAM, and nothing like a LGB or JDAM (e). No, all we ever see from the X-Wing are the fun (but very distinctly short range) pew-pew lasers coming from the wingtips and the “proton torpedoes” launched from the fuselage. From the fuselage.
Let me just say, for the record, that there is a bloody reason we don’t put explosive ordnance in the fuselage of a fighter. It’s not just that there’s hardly any room, when you consider all the avionics and mechanical bullshit needed to make the thing go, but honestly, would you like to be sitting a mere inch from the top of a small (probably unpadded) compartment full of explosives when you throw the throttle forward and dump a ton of fuel directly into the giant engines right next to it? Would you like to be sitting on a pile of boom while putting ~9 Gs on it and praying those cheap hooks don’t break off under the pressure? NOPE. You want that shit as far from you as you can get. (f) Also, most air to air missiles and most guided air to ground bombs have little rockets that launch them forward. How’s it supposed to do that from inside the fuselage?
But we’re going to call it “space science” and claim that the engines of an X-Wing don’t use flammable fuels, they use…I don’t know, fusion? Is that better? It doesn’t sound better. And I’m just going to headcanon that the “proton torpedoes” are more like semi-autonomous chaff/flares, they just spill out and then ignite and lock the target. Which is a terrifying idea if I examine it too close, but since the X Wing seems to only be used by desperate rebellion forces…alright. Take what you can get. Just be super careful not to drop more proton torpedoes than there are targets for them to lock on, because what if one of those things comes out and there’s nothing for it to latch on to when it goes live? Does it just…fizzle out? Dive for the dirt, and any friendly forces/civilians that might be milling about down there? Find a new target - like, for example, the X-Wing that launched it?
Also, while we’re on the subject, how the actual fuck does the X-Wing target those wingtip lasers? Consider the sight lines from the wingtips:
See how they are all facing dead ahead? If you fired something from those wingtips, you would expect them to fire four straight lines out in front of the craft, like a box.
But in the movies/comics/whatever, when the pilot hits the button, we always see the enemy fighter centered in the screen, and then all four lasers flash out from those wingtips, pew-pew! they hit the TIE in the dead center! But look at the sightlines! It doesn’t work! Are the wingtips bent inward to focus on a point directly in front of the craft? How does that affect in-atmo flight? Do they rotate during combat to follow the target lock? If so, do X-Wing pilots ever worry those lasers will rotate the wrong way, or too far inward? Is wingtip-laser drift a problem in the X-Wing community, one of those things they monitor and tell the crew chief when they land (“Yeah, Chief, the upper left wingtip laser over-rotated again, nearly shot my own head off, I’m writing it up in the gripe sheet and I’m not taking her out again until someone replaces the damn servo.”)
I have a lot of questions about ordnance in the X-Wing, by the way, and definitely not just the short-range weaponry. I don’t know if this is a design flaw, a tactical oversight, or just some kind of deliberate “movies don’t even care” thing, so I won’t list this as a pro or con, just a straight up ???????:
(If you’ve ever watched Rogue One with me before you know exactly what’s coming, I think.)
That’s right, where the hell is the long-distance combat in this franchise? (g) Because the X-Wing is built for “dogfighting and long missions” (h), but those missions might not be so long or so fraught with danger if they could just…shoot from a distance? I’ll be real with you, folks, dogfighting (knows as BFM in the real world) is considered an emergency procedure. You’re only doing it when something has gone wrong. (i) I know, for movie purposes, that no one wants to watch someone launch-and-leave at 50 miles (or whatever the distance equivalent is in Star Wars), no one wants to watch a real air battle because they are kind of boring from the outside, right until someone blows up. Or, if no missiles hit and defense tactics are successful, everyone gets into the tangle in the middle and it becomes dogfight territory. But dogfights are messy, burn through fuel like you would not believe, and gives the enemy an honest shot at you. (j)
But ejection seats and weird firing angles and long range deficiencies aside, at the end of the day this is a a light, relatively cheap, fast and durable combat craft that stands as a symbol of resistance and hope to the oppressed people of the Empire, and it can usually take a hell of a lot of punishment, serves as both long range transit and short range combatant, and frankly, I would fly it in a heartbeat, given the chance.
Overall evaluation: 10/10, someone get my helmet and DAMN THE TORPEDOES, FULL HYPERSPEED AHEAD!
NOTES:
(a) And not just for Cool Points (which are absolutely a thing in the fighter community – I once heard a dude complain that the F-16 Falcon couldn’t be painted bright red, which went into the “Cons” category of a comparison between the F-16 Falcon Fighter Jet and some muscle car. Seriously? What was that guy smoking? But I digress.) We’re talking a recognizable profile on a platform that has always been a Symbol Of The People’s Hope, which matters.
(b) Look, FOD (Foreign Object Damage) is no joke, and it isn’t always “big rock went down engine blades,” or “guy hit a deer on the runway,” sometimes it’s just “penny fell out of pocket and jammed the controls, and the pilot had zero control so the plane flew into the dirt.”
(c) Or alien resources. Sentient resources. You know what I mean.
(d) By the way, in the fighter world we call the Tomcat “the big fighter” and make fun of the old guys who retreaded from it to the newer craft like Hornets and Supers. Probably because they always tend to start stories with “when I was in the Big Fighter” like it was Ye Olden Glory Days Gone By, and conveniently leave out the part where the Big Fighter used to do weird shit, like spontaneously explode.
(e) No, I’m not going to explain what all this ordnance is, it’s either classified or boring, or both. The names and basic specs are pretty easy to find on Wikipedia or Jane’s or something.
(f) Admittedly, not far. But shit. Farther.
(g) Even the big ships do this in the movies, they wait until they are within spitting distance to open any fire. Why? Have they not heard of ranged offensive capabilities? But I’m getting off topic.
(h) Thank you, wookieepedia, for all the many hours of my life that you have filled.
(i) Your long range missiles failed to hit the enemy craft, the enemy ambushed you from low ground cover, the enemy ambushed you via scrambled sensors, the enemy evaded all your support missiles (ie from the carrier/destroyers/cruisers that are usually in your vicinity), and so on.
(j) Why would I give the enemy an honest shot at me? This isn’t dueling pistols at dawn, this is a fight for the galaxy!
Images released by state media show President Hassan Rouhani sitting in the cockpit of the aircraft named Kowsar.
“Domestically designed.”
“Built completely domestically.”
“We totally made these.”
Um.
Guys?
We finally know where those surplus Jordanian F-5 Tiger IIs ended up
GUYS.
I’m sorry, I’m aware that maybe 1 of my followers gives half a damn about this, but spouse and I are laughing our asses off and I just am so ridiculously delighted at the sheer chutzpah in this announcement.
I just saw your notes on the X-wing post and now all I want in life is to read you nerd out for 165487116 words about the X-wing and its feasibility or as a fighting air/space craft, and also lack thereof. *chinhands*
Really? That’s a thing someone would be interested in? Because I will absolutely love doing that. Give me a minute to, uh, collect my thoughts. And some pictures. I have lots of both!
Hi! Response to your X-Wing post, which by the way was pretty awesome: So actually in A New Hope Porkins gets told to eject and totally fails to before dying. So there is an eject function! Technically! We just, er, never see it.
Hey, good to know! I forgot that bit, but it’s been awhile since I’ve watched A New Hope. In this case, I’m going to stick with my “the cockpit functions as a sealed escape pod” theory, because it seems the most logical to me. Since the X-Wing doesn’t seem to carry much ordnance, I figure that leaves room for the extra rockets/ejectors a pod would require to detach from the rest of the craft. As @dancesontheedge mentioned in their space science commentary, the fuel required for that sort of thing would normally make the craft way too heavy, but I’m playing fast and loose with Star Wars fuel materials, assuming they are lighter and more long lasting - otherwise, how would X-Wings be long range transports capable of traveling across the galaxy without a cruiser/carrier? I mean, normally the answer is “in-flight refueling,” but I didn’t see any space-KC130s trailing Luke to Dagobah, and he made it okay.
I loved your "critique" of the TIE-fighter pilot and standard rebel pilot suits and was wondering if you'd also done a look at Bodhi's suit that I somehow missed?
I haven’t, but I think Bodhi’s outfit is actually more like a maintainer’s coveralls (also known as “poopie suits,” for, um, reasons?). There are some distinct reasons I don’t think it can be classified and judged as a “flight suit” - partially because of how it’s made, and partially because of Bodhi’s platform. See, as a cargo pilot, Bodhi basically flies in a standard ship cockpit, like the one in the U-Wing they used in the movie. This is not a diss on Bodhi, cargo pilots aren’t inferior to fighter pilots. There is just a large, distinct difference in their gear, and I am not particularly qualified to judge what’s good or bad for a non-jet uniform.
Check it out. The material is slightly shiny, which means it’s not flame-retardant (not a problem for standard commercial cockpits, but a big deal in pressurized cockpits positioned directly adjacent to the engines). The pockets have flaps over them, but no zippers or velcro to hold them down (so FOD is definitely not a concern, because hell, I tie my pen to my leg with a cord when I fly. Nothing is loose in a fighter cockpit). The vest is loose, bulky, and again, those pouches aren’t sealed. Stuff is clipped to it, rather than tied. I don’t think his boots are steel-toed, just from the look of it (the shape of the toe is wrong). I’m guessing they aren’t fire-resistant either, but that’s a wild guess based on color of the leather...rubber...material. I also have no idea what those metal loopy things are on his hips. Definitely not a parachute harness, or even a belt. Clips for more pouches? And why is there a velcro strap around his neck? Is that important? I honestly do not know.
So I can’t really do a “pros, cons, ???” format break down, because I don’t know what’s a pro or a con to a cargo pilot (and everything is a ??? to me).
HOWEVER, I can comment on the Maverick Factor: It’s no fighter, but it looks...pretty cool, actually.
Overall: Affable, understated, solid workman’s outfit. Points off for the Imperial patch on the sleeve (ridiculous or humorously risque patches are encouraged, fascist symbolism is frowned upon), but bonus points for the sheer abundance of pockets.
I don’t know how he can see out of those goggles, though. Just saying.
