What is it we're seeking?
When I was younger, I knew.
I knew what it was I wanted. I knew where I fit. I knew what I wanted my future to look like. I knew who I was and what mattered to me.
I knew.
There were no strings attached. There was nothing holding me in place. There were dreams, there were options. There was a place I belonged. I knew.
And now. I look at what I have become, where I am now. I look at my sweet baby boy and at the house I live in and the work I love. I look at my husband whom I love and hate at the same time and the future that I no longer get to have. I look at the softness of my belly, at the circles under my eyes, at my draining bank account as I try so terribly hard to keep up.
To keep up with his drinking. To pay the rent. To match the bills. To juggle my baby and his daycare and the plants I own and all of the things I'm taking care of and I look at myself and can't muster enough energy. I can't find enough within me to chase the things that matter. To volunteer and give to and help others. To reach out and schedule meetups with the people I want to breathe in to.
There is nothing left in me at the end of the day. And I'm trying. Trying so hard. Trying to keep this bright smile for my baby boy. Trying to bake and love and become a writer. Trying to make things work with my husband as he drinks and is irresponsible with our son and pretends everything is okay while he spends and spends and expects me to fill in the gaps. And I can't forgive him. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to love him, to want to be with him, even in the moments when things are good between us and I know I should have the heart of Christ, should let it all go because why else am I here but to glorify God, especially in our marriage?
I'm here, stuck, living my day to day life and feeling like it's nothing that I wanted. And I can't regret it because I have my baby boy, the light of my life. But I can regret it because why didn't I go into the Peace Corps when they offered me a spot? Why the hell did I think it was okay to get married to someone I'd known for a year? Why did I let myself become swept away in a fairytale, never stopping to examine all of the red flags that I can see, clear as day, hindsight 20/20?
I want to be done. I can't be done. Too many people need me. I don't know what I want right now. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to want only what God wants for me. I don't know how to put aside my selfishness, how to take care of it all with a servant's heart. I don't know how this can continue, but I don't know how to make it stop.
And so that is me, and that is where I am. And all I want is to glorify Him, to rid myself of myself.
And I don't know how.