#filedunder:

[serialobserver]

Carol: Mike, I’ve been rejected, flatly rejected[!]

Mike (hugging her): Oh, honey, only by [the magazine] Tomorrow’s Woman, not by tonight’s husband.

(The scene fades.)

The Brady Bunch S3 E24 Tell It Like It Is

[hhanseung]

April 15, 2017 📍 서울대학교병원

Be that as it may, Seunghyun rarely dreamed about anything, at least not recurringly. Most often than not his dream would just consist of scraps of old memories, ghosts of his tragic past that sometimes decided to knock on his door. Never once that he had anything worse as this. However, being pressured by the guilt that still haunted him and persistently followed the man from Mokpo making nightmares easy to swing by lately. It is almost like witnessing an old eerie documentary of vicious scene with nothing but of course, blood. A loud scream of agony and torture, a vague memory of him brutally taking his opponent down with his bare hands, that small yet audible sound of his worn out shoes skidding on hardwood floor-- everything was presented vividly in his sleep.

For all that, something was wrong. Gun..Why is there a gun in my hand-- This was not it, this was not how it ended. Something in him spoke. This was not how I took him down. No. One, two, three, four. For each number that  continuously echoed in his brain, one body came into sight. Seven, if he counted right, laid down on the floor, helpless, all covered in blood with a bullet hole in between their dead opened eyes.

"Mother...hyung-- no. No-- I didn’t-- " desolated and depressed as he was, discovering the bodies to belong to his loved ones crushed him even more that it gaped a massive hole in his chest. Everything just went dark, his mind spiraling into an endless loop of terror and remorse until he found himself kneeling on a trench of blood with a blurry figure standing in front of him, holding the same gun that he once held-- pointed right toward his face.

"Merciless..." Such a faint, trembling, whisper that the figure uttered, on and on and on until it pulled the trigger, creating a loud bang-- loud enough that it soon woke Seunghyun up in a flinching motion, desperately gasping for air. Beads of sweat covering his creased forehead as his heart racing faster each passing second.

...Seven.. There were seven....

[hhanseung]

March 20, 2017. 📍 배산공동묘지

How long has it been since Seunghyun found himself to be in peace? How long has it been since he learned that it is alright to feel joy without having to be afraid that it will be taken away? How long has it been since he was honest to himself? September 24, 1999. The day he was left with nothing but anger and resentment that spewed within him. The beginning and the end of everything.

His childhood was robbed. He grew up going from one job to another instead of being involved in sports or indulging himself in games, hobbies, or girls like most normal teenagers. He grew up skeptical of life, enraged of the world and how unfair it had treated him– he grew up cynical. But if there was one place where he could finally be himself, the happy, untroubled, and content boy that he was, it was here; his father’s final resting place.

“It’s been a while, dad.” the words that came out of his mouth were soft yet full of remorse. He had been sitting in front of his father’s gravestone with his legs crossed, unbothered by the drizzling raindrops that fell on a cloudy afternoon; damping his hair and the black leather jacket he loved so dearly. “I’m sorry for not visiting. A month– I know. I have no excuse. I just don’t know how to face you when I know I’ve disappointed mom…and myself along the way, I think. I guess the ‘I will do everything to keep this family running and happy’ has its own cost.” he chuckled weakly, letting his eyes to leave the gravestone for a moment. “But I’ll fix everything. I’m not losing her, I promise. After everything mom and I had been through, I will not let myself give up just like that– and between us Hans men, we know we always keep our promises, right, dad?” a warm smile made its way to his feature, brighten up his somewhat dreary aura. “Aside from that, how are you? I hope everything’s cool up there. With me, well….I got promoted. That’s right, your son is now in charge of every engine running in Yeonje-gu. You didn’t think I’d come here without any good news, did you? I hope you’re proud of me. You and mom. And oh– I want you to meet Sueji–” he fumbled through his jeans pocket to grab his wallet, fishing out a polaroid picture of his girlfriend that he took not too long ago. He laid it down beside the bouquet of sunflowers he brought earlier. The flowers that had been the symbol of their family. “Pretty, huh? She’s also smart. She’s a med student from SNU so you don’t need to worry about anything anymore, dad, I no longer need any health care program– I got her. I also made a lot of new friends. All of them in Seoul, though. Which leads me to think would it be wise if I move out of the city?”

There was a moment of silence, mostly because Seunghyun thought whatever that came out of his mouth afterward would somewhat hurt his father, if that was possible. “I don’t find myself at home in Busan anymore, dad. Truth be told I lost it when I lost you. I don’t want to leave mom alone but at the same time I’m not happy here. This city has been nothing but a bitter reminder of my traumatic past and I don’t want to hold on to that– these people can help me. They make me happy. I want to be happy. I really want to, for once.” he confessed. There was a single tear that fell down his cold cheek, leaving a wet trace like rain on a dusty pane which he soon wiped dry with his thumb. It was probably the first time he let himself cry in years considering he was not the type to let his emotions get in his way. But to his surprise, it felt good.

“Anyway–” he shook his head to brush off the unnecessary thoughts that were clouding his mind and leaned over, fetching the polaroid photo he took out earlier before slipping it back into his wallet. “I’m gonna stop before someone thinks I’m crazy.” he stifled a brief chuckle and stood up, his hands slipped inside his jeans’ pockets as always. “I just want to say I miss you, dad. I hope you’re not bored of hearing that since it’s pretty much what I say everytime I come here– not that I don’t have anything else to say.” the firefighter lifted his shoulders into a small shrug, smiling. “I’ll see you around, Captain. Take care. Don’t worry much about mom, Seunghwan hyung, and me. We’re good.” There was a wave of relief rushing throughout his body and mind the second he left the spot to the pathway that led him toward the front gate of the cemetery. He had even forgotten about all his sorrow for a while. It was all well.

“We’re good.”

[hhanseung]

--------- & Mokpo. March 7th, 2017.

“Hey. You’re up.”

A harsh voice resonated throughout the cold humid room, scattering Seunghyun's restless thoughts. He had been sitting there for quite a while now, repeatedly clenching his fists to warm his weary hands that were already wrapped in his lucky-unwashed handwrap. He had lost count of how many times the sparring gear cloaked his hands, hence the broken white color and the dried blood spots staining the material.

“Get out of this fight alive, will you? I don’t want more police coming by just because some kid is found by the dumpster all beaten up.” said the man twice his age who happened to be his ‘manager’, his words were a little too unclear from the cigar he’d been chewing. Seunghyun would've felt his sincere concern behind all those antagonizing words, if only he wasn't too busy tightening the pads around his hands. “The money?” demanded the twenty eight year old. Calm. “You win this one, everything is yours. I’ll get that all clear in the morning.” “Cash?” “Straight from the man himself." "Good." he kept the conversation short, taking his last breath before walking out of the room-- only to be let down by his own system that was the stinging pain on his head; causing him to lose his balance to the extent that he had to support his body by leaning against the hallway.

"Hey kid, do you I need to write an eulogy for you now?" that same voice was heard again, this time was followed by a short laughter out of some brotherly-love formality. "Fuck off." he cursed under his breath, pushing himself to stand on his own feet despite the unnerving pain stuck on his head. "Just get the money ready." his voice came off rushed, almost like a grunt. He didn't look back. He took a moment to observe what was laid ahead of him. He could see the poorly lighted boxing ring of the underground fight club he stood in, surrounded by at least a hundred of men too intoxicated to even stand on their own. Some wealthy, some too poor to dress. One year ago, such sight would left him nothing but a rush of adrenaline running through every vein of his body. He had nothing to lose. But now that he did, everything had changed.

Forcing his way toward the ring, he let his mind drifted back to the doe eyes that had been perfectly nailed to his mind, the warm soft lips grazing his own for almost two days in a row, the familiar feeling of her warm body pressed against him. He could still feel her.

That girl. She. Her.

By Wednesday afternoon, I would have to face those eyes again. I don't know how could I go home looking like a mess and what explanation should I give now. God-- I run out of excuses. Truthfully, she doesn't have to understand, she doesn’t have to know. She has too many things in her hands, I can’t let this be another burden to her shoulder. I just need her open arms. She'll be there. She'll be there.

And only then, he knew it wouldn't hurt as much.

[hhanseung]

------RESCUE UNIT LOG; February 16th, 2017.

"If you can't beat your fear, live with it. Let it know how strong you are."

His father's words still lingered in Seunghyun's mind like it was yesterday. He could even still feel his warm embrace during that winter night Seunghyun came home crying. The 11-year-old boy was lost and the sun went down below the horizon faster than he expected it to be. And as a kid, there was nothing he feared more than darkness.

After spending two hours wandering around the cold dark streets of Busan, the boy was lucky enough to find the familiar pavements around his neighborhood, leading him towards the door of his house. He didn't even bother to take off his mud-covered shoes. He just stormed inside the house, petrified to the bones.

If only Seunghyun knew that it would be the last time he ever hugged his father, he would've stayed all night curled up against the man. Making sure to spend every second remembering his voice, the slight smell of that certain brand of cigarette he used to smoke, how his eyes crinkled when he smiled, everything. As much as the firefighter loved his mother, Han Jungwon had been more than just a father figure to him. He was his hero, a bestfriend, everything he wanted to be. And for that very reason, his life turned upside down after the fatal fire incident took the life of his firefighting father right in front of Seunghyun's face. It changed everything. Right after that moment, he knew nothing was ever going to be the same anymore.

"Ahjussi!" a child-like voice resonated across the street, loud enough that it clouded the buzzing crowd in front of the burning restaurant that was now starting to cool down. Successfully distracting Seunghyun out of his tangled mind.

He turned around. There stood a boy around 6 years old clutching a teddy bear against his chest ever so tightly. Fear was written clearly on his face, his cheeks were damp from crying. "Hey.." he took off his helmet and knelt down in front of the boy.

"Ahjussi, thank you for saving my father." said the boy with a trembling voice.

"That was your father?" he took a glance over the man being tent to inside the ambulance. The man Seunghyun managed to retrieve before the second explosion in the restaurant. "You're welcome, kid. Don't worry about him, okay? He's a strong man. He's gonna be alright." replied Seunghyun, ruffling the boy's hair to lighten up the child's mood a little.

"I want to be brave like you. In the future, I want to be able to save my father too. I want you to have this, ahjussi. It's my friend One-Eared Gomi." he stretched out his hand to show off the brown teddy bear. There was something funny and adorable about the way he said 'one-eared', causing Seunghyun to let out a chuckle. "If this one-eared Gomi is your friend, why are you giving him to me? Don't you need him?" "Hmm, not anymore." "Why is that?" Wiping his wet cheeks with his sleeve, the boy took a deep breath and puffed his chest. He no longer seemed to be sad, but rather courageous. "I'm braver now, ahjussi. If you can save my father from a fire, I can sleep at night without worrying about the monsters under my bed too. I also want him to take care of you so the monsters will not get you at night!" "Ah, is that so?" Seunghyun chuckled. He never liked kids before, but this one particular child had certainly taken his heart. "Mhm! No monster can stop you from saving lives! Take him! If you don't take him with you I'll cry!" he was now more than eager to shove the toy bear against Seunghyun's face. "Okay okay--" giving up, he took "Gomi" in his hands. "Man, you're gonna grow up really persuasive--" he added, mumbling. "Thank you, ahjussi, thank you." the boy deliberately sprung into Seunghyun's chest, clasping his hands around the firefighter's neck tightly. He didn't care how dirty the uniform was or how Seunghyun stank of smoke and gas. He hugged him like there was no tomorrow.

It caught Seunghyun off guard but at the same time it warmed his heart. It might take him a couple of seconds to let the moment sink in but he soon wrapped his arms around the child's body without any hesitation. This so-called anti-children man even unconsciously leaned his head against the boy's head.

After a while, the reason why he was so fond of this child was unknown. At one point he wanted to believe that he liked Gomi's human friend because he was the less quiet, maybe the most, child he had ever met. But deep down he knew. This child reminded him of himself. How he was willing to give up his friend and "protector", facing his fear by deciding to live with it was somehow a parallel to Seunghyun's whole life. The man gave himself fully and wholeheartedly into the life-threatening job not because he wanted to be like his father. But to face his greatest fear; fire.