#final yahoo

[rewcana]

i really hope griffin continues to improv final yahoo answers on the spot

"i dropped spaghetti on my grandpa's butt and he died. how do i do it?"

legit sounds like a fucking final yahoo answers bot, it's incredible

[marcelinethedepressedqueen]

AI Answers Final Yahoo

Griffin: Uh, here's our final Yahoo. This one was sent in by Merit Palmer, from an anonymous Yahoo! Answers user who I will call "Banjo" asks: "Are buffalo wings proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy?”

Justin: Oh, that's a good question. 

Merit: [laughter] It was a question to me, too, because I know what buffalo wings are, but, I mean, that's a good question. Because they're amazing. 

Travis: And I wouldn't be surprised if they were one of the original foods that God made. 

Merit: [laughing] That's true. 

Justin: Yeah. He said, you know, if you believe in God, then you believe in everything that he loves. What you eat or drink is a blessing. How I do everything in my life is proof that God loves me. 

Travis: What?! 

[laughter] 

Justin: [laughing] Um, and if you don't believe in God, then, you don't think that. So, that's why I brought it up, because you don't even question that at all, that's a huge question, huh? If you believe in God, you can't even conceive of a world where buffalo wings aren't God. That is a belief. 

Travis: Where do you go from here, Banjo? 

Banjo: Where do you go from here? Well, I don't know if I agree with it 100%, and I don't know if there's, that's more of like a poetic way of saying that. Like, God doesn't necessarily love buffalo wings. I don't know if that's in God's persona. 

Justin: Sure. 

Merit: [laughter] I mean, that, that's very possible. God might be like Travis and not like buffalo wings. 

Merit: That's, I mean, he could actually be into that, because buffalo wings have so much, so much mass. 

Travis: Yes, buffalo wings. They're tasty. 

Justin: Yes. That could be right. But, uh, but there's also this other reason why it's possible. You know, one of the ideas in my self-published zine is that we create in order to fight against our own opinions, to force ourselves to look at them and see them as flawed and see them as ill-defined and ultimately see what they can be through contradiction. It's absolutely possible that Buffalo wings are the substance of what's holding you back. 

[A brief conversation about the symbolism of Buffalo wings].

(Written by AI. Final Yahoo from mbmbam episode 525)

[lamentable-comedy]

This is just to say I have eaten the soaps that were in the bathroom and which you were probably saving for guests Forgive me they were delicious so fancy and so small

[marcelinethedepressedqueen]

Griffin: This final yahoo was sent in by Theresa, from Yahoo Answers user Kate, who asks: "How do you describe an elephant taking a dump in a funny, yet serious, way?" 

Justin: Ooooh! 

Travis: Kate, if you‘re reading this—you‘re not going to be happy with your answer, you‘re not going to be happy at all. 

Justin: Kate, you suck. 

Travis: This is our response to you: An elephant takes a dump. A lot. It takes a really long time to drop a lot of solid turds, and then for the rest of its life, you will be confronted with its embarrassing, immature, seemingly never-ending, diarrhea. 

Justin: Yes, this, uh, was the answer. 

Travis: Yup. That‘s the answer. 

Griffin: Ooooh, they‘re still at it. 

Justin: If you were thinking about picking up a pet elephant for your family… Griffin: They‘re—I mean, the whole point is that an elephant only poops when it needs to, I think. I don‘t know if it‘s some kind of sexual thing, but I don‘t think an elephant‘s going to wake up and say, “Today, my anus feels like its about to explode, so I‘m just going to poop.”

(Question from ep. 452, Answer written by AI)

[marcelinethedepressedqueen]

"If Buzz Lightyear truly believed he was not a toy then why does he freeze when humans are around?"

Justin: ‘Cause he‘s so afraid!

Griffin: ‘Cause he‘s so afraid!

Justin: Yep.

Travis: Yep.

Griffin: Don‘t you want to be like Buzz?

Travis: ‘Cause he doesn‘t.

Griffin: That‘s my point.

Justin: Yeah, he wants to be with all of us, so he‘s afraid. I‘m a toy, too. We‘re all toys.

Griffin: We‘re all toys.

Travis: And the only thing we can do to stop getting sold to Toys “R” Us, to getting trashed, is to say, "I am not a toy."

(FY from ep. 368, Answer by AI)

[marcelinethedepressedqueen]

Griffin: This final yahoo was sent in by Sam Leff, from Yahoo Answers user My Mouse Cursor's Gone, Where'd It Go, Oh, It Was Hiding On The Other Monitor, You Sneak Thief, They're, Something Went Wrong, Ah, No, Fuck It, who asks: "Do ants pee and poo and how?" Griffin: This one is my favorite. The question is phrased a little differently, but this is the one, of course, that everybody asks. Justin: Yes. Griffin: Do ants pee and poo and how? Justin: No, they do not. [laughs] Griffin: Yes, they do. This is something I never would have even considered. When I was an intern at a technical recruiter… well, maybe back in, like, ’95, ’96, I was actually, like, an actual… Justin: Yes. Griffin: …technical recruiter… Justin: [laughs] Griffin: …and so this is the typical intern job interview question, and, of course, what I always think of as an ant pooping question is: What do ants use to urinate and shit? Justin: Yes. Griffin: I would say: They have little pouches, I guess, or— Justin: Yes, little pouches, a special little pouch, or— Griffin: Some kind of sphincter— Justin: And this is why I‘m an IT recruiter, because these things just happen. I think I do not want to ever, ever, ever have to answer the poop question. [laughing] Justin: They do not… I mean, I could not imagine that I would have ever had to even consider the question of ants urinating. Griffin: Uh-huh. Justin: What is even the connotation of that? Griffin: [laughs] Justin: They pee and poop and we‘re not the least bit concerned. [laughs] Griffin: What are we concerned about? Justin: Because they‘re not going to do it on the carpet or… or anything like that. Griffin: They‘re doing it in the wall. Justin: They‘re doing it in the wall, yeah. Griffin: They do not… we do not… they do not… Justin: And, of course, this is a slightly different answer than is normally given to the poop question. Most pooper question answers are: they poop, it‘s brown, they‘re, like, out in the woods, I guess, and their, you know, whoosh, and then out they go, and they never come back. Griffin: Uh-huh. Justin: Now, you know, some people, when they‘re really, really, really disturbed, they might answer, you know, they‘re—they‘re, like, dying or they‘re eating it or they‘re sitting on it and it‘s developing on the wall or, you know, something like that. But I don‘t think they‘re doing this. This is one of those things that‘s a fun question, but, I would say, with ants, they do not pee and poo. Griffin: Uh-huh. Justin: And if they did, they wouldn‘t be called ants. Griffin: [laughs] Griffin: OK. Justin: I don‘t want to say that, because that‘s not what we do here at this place, but I would probably say they don‘t pee and poo. They just move that little bit of—it‘s just, you know, a little drop of something that ends up going back to the colony. Griffin: Yes. Justin: They would just be, like, moving it back to where they came from, and that‘s it. Griffin: [laughs] OK. Justin: They would just be collecting a little bit of, you know, stuff to take back to where they come from. Griffin: Mm-hmm. Justin: No. [laughs] It‘s just, you know, because you guys just had a baby, and I‘m just trying to avoid this poop question. Griffin: OK. Thank you. Justin: [laughs] Griffin: [laughs] Thank you. Justin: And that‘s another—it‘s just an ant question, OK? It‘s another… it‘s, like, another one. And that‘s not even to, you know, put a point on it. Griffin: No, no, no, no, it‘s not, like, one big thing. Justin: Well, it‘s a subset of the, you know, poop question, which has a whole host of questions that have been suggested

(Question from episode 435, Answer written by AI)

{Please send me final yahoos you'd like AI mbmbam to answer}

[marcelinethedepressedqueen]

This final yahoo was sent in by Zoe Kinsky, from Yahoo Answers user Ghost, who asks: "Am I the only one who thinks the actor Dwayne Johnson looks like The Rock from WWE?" 

Zoe writes: "I don't know why but ever since seeing Dwayne Johnson in Fast & Furious I've wanted to write this. He looks just like that guy who is in the WWE. He's got the same piercing blue eyes, and his mouth shape is exactly like that guy's."  

And then Justin McElroy, the co-host of the “My Brother, My Brother and Me" podcast, writes back, "Me too! I watch the WWE all the time! He's got the same hair, the same way he walks, it's just uncanny."

(FY from ep.326, Answer written by AI)

[marcelinethedepressedqueen]

Griffin: This final yahoo was sent in by Karl Vincent Boddy, from Yahoo Answers user Carolson, who asks: "Who else right now is shirtless and chomping on a huge hunk of cheddar cheese like I am?" 

Travis: There is an entire series of hilarious Yahoo Answers where people submit photos of themselves eating massive amounts of cheese in the buff. We first encountered one of these a few months ago, featuring a guy who had previously logged into Yahoo Answers to ask if the company's digital photo albums feature nudity, which is all great, until you realize he had the gall to answer a question about it. "Yeah," he wrote, "they're very nice, but if you're using them to send nudies, I have to say, nah." He attached a photo of himself chowing down on a long rectangular wedge of Brie, with his long locks spilling over his face. After a flurry of comments from his fellow-nudies, Boddy entered an Incredible Hulk pose and declared, "THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD!" I am one of those awful people who always, always, always posts photos of myself on the internet. But in my defense, it's hard not to when you're this beautiful 

(Final Yahoo from ep. 409, Answer written by AI)