Vent Post: The House I Am In is Literally Destroying My Mental Health + Yesterday's Bullshit 😭💀
Hey y’all, I need to vent because things have been getting progressively worse here, and yesterday was just another example of the chaos I'm dealing with...
Yesterday's Mess:
So I was using grandma's phone like I always do (dad and the lady were home but hiding in their room as usual), and grandma decides it's lecture time. She starts going off about how I'm on the phone too much and how it's "not good for me."
Like excuse me, I'm 19 years old! I think I can figure out when I've had enough screen time without someone nagging me about it! And the tone she used was so condescending - if you're genuinely worried, why come at me like that? Plus the whole "bad for you" argument is meant for kids whose brains are still developing, not legal adults! 💀
Anyway, I put the phone down on the bed - didn't slam it or anything, maybe placed it down with like 0.01% more force than usual - but it was completely fine! Well apparently that was a CRIME because she absolutely lost it! Started yelling about how she lets me use it, defends me, cares for me, and THIS is how I repay her?!
Ma'am... you're not the phone?? How I handle an object isn't a personal attack on you! I was trying to calm her down before someone heard the yelling and came to investigate, and she goes "Am I a dog to you for me to bark like that?" Like no grandma, but honestly I'd prefer a dog over you right now - didn't say that part out loud though to her! 💀
Later she was watching something and I tried helping her close an ad. Accidentally tapped the wrong thing and clicked on another video instead. She straight up SLAPPED my arm, dramatically stood up, took off her glasses, and announced "You're driving my patience crazy!"
Then came the waterworks - actual tears, sniffling, the whole performance! You can call me heartless if you want but I genuinely didn't care that she was crying. All I could think was how awkward and cringe this was! Like where was all this emotion when I was the one crying after dad threatened me with jail??
I'm not some emotionless monster - I care about my online friends, I get sad over animals suffering, I have empathy! Just not for someone who constantly sides against me and then plays victim when I'm not grateful enough! Eventually she calmed herself down and we moved on.
Thank god dad and the lady never found out about this because I'm pretty sure it would've turned into another "calling the cops" situation! Can't even tell if he'd actually do that again or not at this point!
Then evening rolls around and dad's making pasta. I walk over to see what's cooking and say "nice meal" - just being polite! But the lady acts like I just committed murder! Goes "EXCUSE ME! I was talking!" and starts arguing with my dad about how rude I am. Dad actually defended me this time (rare!) saying I was just looking at the food and wasn't trying to interrupt. She didn't care, decided I was rude anyway, stormed off to the bedroom and SLAMMED the door!
This woman calls ME a drama queen but she's out here slamming doors because someone complimented pasta! Make it make sense! 💀
The Bigger Problem:
But honestly that's just surface level stuff. What's really getting to me is how living here is genuinely fucking up my mental health. I'm getting numb to everything, snapping at people irl more easily than I normally would (nothing major but still), feeling depressed even when there's no active drama happening, and using the internet as an escape way more than before.
And before anyone says I'm "addicted" - no! This is called COPING! When your real life environment is toxic as hell, escaping online isn't addiction, it's survival! The internet is literally my only source of support, control, and peace right now. I'll cope however I need to until I don't need to anymore!
And It Gets Worse:
Know what I just found out? Family hell doesn't end after the whole “June” thing! College goes straight through summer with barely any break, then starts right back up again until I finish my second year! Where's the "3 month summer vacation" everyone always talks about?? That doesn't exist apparently! 💀
So I'm stuck living here way longer than I thought - probably until I'm 20! And once I hit 20 you KNOW they're gonna get even stricter with the whole "you're not a teenager anymore, grow up!" while simultaneously treating me like I'm 12! I'm literally hoping for some miracle where I suddenly get enough money to live independently in New York and continue school without being trapped here!
Finals Stress:
On top of everything else, I've got final exams coming up and I can't afford to do badly. Like I need at least a B, preferably an A - anything lower feels like it's gonna ruin my spring break with my mom. I know that's probably irrational but the pressure is real and it's eating at me!
And no, I can't talk to a college counselor about any of this! They're mandated reporters - they'd call someone, and remember what happened LAST time authorities got involved? I almost went to jail! Plus my family would just gaslight everyone into thinking I'm the problem, then scream at me once we're alone again!
There's also no dorms available because community colleges don't have those, so that's not an option either!
So Where Does That Leave Me?
Basically just surviving day to day, using online spaces to stay sane, desperately searching for a job so I can afford my own phone, trying not to let things escalate further, and waiting for the day I can finally get out of here.
This environment is actively harmful but I don't have any good options right now. The numbness, depression, constant anxiety - none of it is sustainable long term but what choice do I have?
Anyway sorry for dumping all this here but I needed to get it off my chest somewhere. Thanks if you actually read all that
Anyway, tagging my girlfriend @getjinxzed because I love her so much! >w< (No pressure tags)
Tagging my moots because I can (no pressure tags): @ruinationz and @turbotasticnumberone and @cartoon-cat7241 and @seleyaaaa and @rin-rineya and @strayfelinez and @yukihirop and @rivertheemoo and @meatmedallion and @drownedsilverforever and @senpaipaws and @cartoonlover999 and @byronicmoron and @crowtheorie and @human-n0-l0ng3r and @glooberousgoon and @goddess-of-lov3 and @lucifersdog-luci and @aoihibiki247 and @klyju and @ace-productions7 and @fiberopticemoweeb666 and @cryptedlullaby and @3veryth1ngstays and @blossomletters and @sapphicavocado and @bloodybigirl and @yanderehiro and @dnplicoricenutttt and @2catnip4me and @miracle-winkel and @mickyx-x and @biblicallyunhingedtheo and @the-only-good-ai and @prettirei and @unhinged-pink-espresso and @patchofglass and @m0nstrsk8bri and @ghostie-bunni and @nocthour and @ohthisisanna and @evergardenwall and @ladylrbloom and @themermaidavenger and @the-eclipse-is-in-me and @fannishwitch and @sleepyblogthing and @spookysimsspookythings and @sherotopia and @thekittykiller and @kindlykittie and @goldensnowspider and @sulmii and @abeelarts and @talapride and @anneswritingnook and @funkydeathmdnss and @taliasims5 and @ieatrocks0912 and @rei-ayasaki and @jaq-of-hearts and @higuysetc and @thef-150 and @scaliedog and @everheardofaboondoggle and @dianaforever and @candy-floss-consumer and @zrofor09 and @writer-fennec and @harthue and @velvet-ruin and @hvybrth and @nights-like-this17 and @stilesispackmomof-thehalepack and @sapphicluma and @avery-is-sleepy and @aphexpuppy-x0x and @quietlychaotic13 and @rin-rineya and @secreteldritchhorror and @ladykillerzsstuff and @cruvlllsworld and @the-only-good-ai and @c1el-phantomh1ve and @striving4mikey and @yukihirop-is-prussia and @deadmegime and @miraculousadrienettemarichat and @agra-absurdis and @kopickoncave and @billy-bob-xiv and @foxunikilo and @nightmarezs and @leafgreen222 and @marshme110w and @niyahbabes and @marshme110w and @allie-ever-posting and @xd3ardiaryxx and @garciaswife and @gothygardner and @expensiveprincessofherself and @ask-zhe-awesome-prussia and @ac1dbvnny and @pookieadriana16 and @jett-blasts-0ff and @d3adbydawnmari0 and @slain-angel-broken-wings and @l1ly0fth3va113y and @silentthillsz and @a4a-x and @ask-aph-prussia-and-yukihirop and @pinkswirlybubbles and @allndverse and @hop2fuldream3r and @sinful-snaps234 and @br3ns1lly and @m1sssaint and @macaquewifey and @craigburnsall and @roxyyyyyyyy and @kennieluvzvox and @nothingness--isdead and @sjsroom and @skinwalkerbunny and @wolf-lavender
