Most of the time i just dont even want to think anymore. Im overwhelmed with my thoughts and my fears and the suggestions from others on how to be a better me. So i drink. Drink to forget, drink to feel something other than the disappointment of others and the shame i feel for not wanting to be present in the world. Like as long as it has nothing to do with me im fine to deal with it. As long as it isnt attached to pain and sorrow i can handle it. I think its mostly just me falling into my vices and weaknesses and once i change that i will be better, right? Yet other times i really dont think im going anywhere in life. I feel like ive wasted time, or will never truly be ok enough to come out of this. But ive seen people come from so much more trauma and pain and become stronger inspite of it. Which draws me right back to “do i just need to face the fact that im too weak minded to make it out alive ?” And at that point, wouldnt you want to kill yourself? Because the world doesnt need more weak minded people around. Can any of them be helped? Especially if they dont want or arent willing to help themselves?
