#findyourselfthroughwriting

[itsjamila]

[itsjamila]

Dear You,

 My whole life,

I tried to distance myself from you.

Pretend that everything I wanted from you,

was nothing that I needed.

I pushed away every warm touch.

Shied away from each friendly smile.

Kept distance between the emotions behind every kiss.

Tried to convince myself that it was better this way.

That I was better this way.

That you would become a reality when I was ready for you,

and not the other way around.

 My whole life,

I dreamed of you.

Painted thoughts of who we could be.

Hummed the tune of our shared melody.

I prayed for you to accept me.

For you to see me.

And feel the essence of my being.

I wanted you to want me,

just as much as I wanted you.

Even if that meant you only shared a piece,

a small share of your heart and a quarter of your presence

in exchange for this unique feeling.

The feeling of finally finding some relief.

 My whole life,

I expected you to be there.

Be there when I finally became a woman.

When it felt like it was time,

for me to share this peace with someone else.

Anyone who understood the pain,

and the struggle it took to just be.

Foolish of me to believe in that.

In someone waiting just for me,

maybe even looking out there for me.

Why can’t you hear me?

How will I ever show up when you need me?

My expectations of you

always supersede me.

 My whole life,

I assumed you would find me.

 And maybe, one day you will.

  Alima

[itsjamila]

Excerpt 5.