note from author: it’s been a while since i’ve last written a fic, and this one is very near and dear to me. i’d started it over a year ago, during a dark and very hard time. i didn’t know how it would end when i started — i’d only been channeling the hurt and pain that i was feeling at the time, all while pining over one person who made me feel alright. over this year, they were patient with me. ever so gentle, who listened to me on my worst days, who took care of me and held me when i cried. even when i was afraid they’d hate what they saw and think that all my fears were irrational and pathetic, that i would push them away, and even now i fear sometimes that i will, they stuck with me. i couldn’t at all predict that they would become this person for me, even though i wanted to be close to them, i didn’t think i was worthy. but they stuck with me, and they tried for me and they were there for me and loved me. so this, in more ways than one, is dedicated to them. a thank you for being there for me without knowing they would at the time i started writing this so long ago.
shinra has never seen you at your worst, and you do your best to make sure he never has to.
after all, who are you to trouble him with the silly burdens you carry? he, who feels and lives and leads a life entirely separate from you — there surely is no room for you to invade so selfishly.
for him, you hold it all together. for him, you’re mindful of the words that huff warm air against the winter’s numb fingers, of the answers and false assurances you give when he inquiries about how you’ve been. lying with the words of “i’ve been doing alright” come so naturally to you, a reflex and a byproduct of the years you’ve spent hiding from the world. no longer does your brain process the words, no longer does your tongue go numb, nor does your throat tighten around the aching sobs of yesternight. desensitized you've become, an old friend to deceit and the old art of falsehood that, at times, you wonder when you'd become so good at pretending. it hurts that you did.
yes, you keep your heart behind lock and key for his sake, but gods above, it hurts so fucking much when it all comes out. it’s always when you’re alone, when the silence welcomes every pain and every ache that you keep buried deep — it’s the only time that it’s safe for your walls to crash and tumble. your wounded inner child who’s spent so many days staring up at the moon with tears streaming down her face, she only feels safe enough to reveal her pain where the warmth of unrelenting flames won’t see.
it’s when you’re at your most vulnerable that your ego sinks sharp claws into raw, bleeding skin. loneliness, to you, is the tormentor that mocks you with the desire to reach out to someone, to anyone who would be there to make the pain a little more bearable. to anyone who could possibly listen to you, to be there for you and help you pick up those pieces that lay like broken glass. how badly you want for him to hold you against him and tell you that things would be fine, that you would be alright and that he would be there for you, but how could you be so selfish and greedy to want that of him?
how could you think of showing him that broken side of you, the one who can’t smile and the one who hurts and the one who’s falling apart at the seams? he would see someone so damaged and beyond saving that he would walk away, repulsed by the sight of you with your bleeding heart on display, and you would have pushed away the one person who made things better and you just can’t let that happen, because if he leaves, you’d be left with nothing.
it’s terrible, you realize, just how much he means to you. without meaning to, you’ve come to rely on shinra to be what keeps you strong, to keep you going even in the midst of everything you feel. with him you feel safe, and cared for, and cherished. and your foolish heart, there are times it wonders if it could even be loved. could someone like you truly be loved by someone, loved by him? with all the childish yearning in your soul, you want so badly for that possibility. your fantasies tell you that yes, you could mean something to him, just as he does to you. that he could look at you and see value in what little you had to offer him, that he would believe you to be enough—
and you bring yourself back down to earth and tell yourself that you could never be enough.
why? why can’t you be enough? why must you be so damaged and undesirable? why would you ever delude yourself into even believing there’s a possibility for you to be loved? you, who has so many flaws and wounds and despairs, could never be loved.
despite it all, shinra doesn’t give up on you.
your ringtone startles you in the late hours of wednesday night, his name listed with a flaming meteor emoji illuminating your drowsy expression. the ache in your heart throbs — once, with longing, twice with guilt, a third, sharp pain tears through your ribcage with self-loathing. oh, how you loathe this version of you. this pitiful, broken, worthless version of you who can only be good for crying herself hoarse, sobbing until your lungs convulse and your body forgets to breathe. you hate the you who silences her ringer, the cheerful words "get better day by day" only worsening these passing days, weeks, months that seemed to hurt more and more. the you who pulls the covers over her head, who cowers away from the sun and falls to a cold darkness, you berate her, shame her, and scream at her to do better, be better, why can't you just get better?!
you're in no state to speak to shinra right now, you decide, though every bit of your ailing spirit wishes to. even though you long for his presence by your side, though you want so desperately to seek comfort in his warmth, you convince yourself that you are not worth any of it from him. you tell yourself tonight, just as you do every other night, that kusakabe shinra shouldn't have to see you like this. kusakabe shinra, whose smiles dazzle the world, whose eyes twinkle with an everlasting fierceness and love for life, he should never be bothered with someone as silly, immature, unhappy like you. the smiles you would give to him are too broken, too crooked, and far too weak for him to see — no, he can't ever see you like this. you ignore his call and let your screen darken.
and yet, it isn't the last attempt. from your warm little cocoon, you hear your phone's vibration go off once, twice, and a third time again before he begins texting you.
shinra ☄️ :
hey (y/n)!! you haven't fallen asleep yet, have you?
it's still so early... and i hadn't heard from you in a while...
is everything okay? please text me if you see these...! i'm worried...
guilt, as it washes over your body, is cold, dull, reminiscent of icy waters, and immediately, you feel the need to apologize. how dare you cause him to worry? how could you, if only you'd responded to his last message so many hours ago? if only you'd done better to convince him, to keep your smiles right, to answer his texts and watch the tiktoks he'd sent and—
"—but lord, you know i'm tired."
(y/n) :
i'm sorry... i haven't been feeling well today...
no sooner than you press send, with your tongue caught in your throat does the read receipt show up beneath your text. promptly at 10:16 pm; he'd been waiting for you to text him back? the idea alone hurts, and again, you're swallowed up with guilt. truly, you don't deserve his concern, his worry, time or care.
shinra ☄️:
ah… :(( oh no..
are you feeling sick??
"are you feeling sick?" your mind takes the question apart until it's unrecognizable, till it's meaning changes and becomes something new. "are you in pain? are your symptoms physical? is something hurting?" and the answer you provide yourself tears you apart because, truly, there is nothing physically wrong with you, so why? why aren't you feeling well? what in god's name is wrong with you, why are you being this way?
(y/n):
no.. i'm not really sick,, i just...
i've been feeling down i guess...
how can you tell him exactly what it is that you've been going through and still have it all make sense? how can you explain to him that all it is, is past wounds and traumas that continue to haunt your waking life? how do you say that you're still fighting the shadows of yesteryears, of distant pain that never leaves your consciousness?
you think — truly, really, earnestly, and desperately on the whips of a dying prayer that you can't. not like this.
you don’t want to hover over those three bubbles the way you do, but there’s a plea swirling between shattered breaths as you watch them appear. they’re gone, dancing on what you tell yourself is abandon dear god, he’s abandoning you, he’s abandoned you. he’s left you on your own, in these seconds that feel like eons he’s seen a glimpse of that ugliness that you’ve tried to hide for so long but no longer could. the paintings of dark skies and rolling thunders bring the taste of eternal rains, and these blazing embers want nothing to do with a storm years toiled. your heart twists within your chest and you lose yourself, spirals of anger, despair and hatred for yourself that would consume you on torrential winds — and you, broken girl who sings on ice-christened teardrops, you can do nothing but to let yourself fall. farther and farther, beneath cold waves of a raging sea, until—
shinra ☄️:
i understand… :(
a single text message, colons and bracket that form a sad frown: it’s what stops your descent. abrupt. unexpected. but so, inexplicably wanted.
shinra ☄️:
i’m close by right now and i have some curry i made!
we can eat it together if you’d like! :)
one, two, the world pauses on three beats. each the thumping of your needing heart, each echoing a sentiment that, between his written words, shine through like a beacon of salvation.
let me be here by your side.
and a fool you would be, to trust this glimmer of hope. a spectacle it would be, for you to dare and dream of the warmth he offers, to believe that you are worthy of such grace. your shadows of sin know better, and they remind you of that truth unchanging. that you are unworthy, unworthy, a sinner before the face of god.
yet, your thumbs pause on your writings of detestable humility, because despite those rolling clouds, the light of someone who cares for you reaches far beyond that familiar gray.
(y/n):
yeah… yeah that sounds nice.
it’s the single plea, the bitter taste of a succumbing prayer that you finally release: please stay with me. don’t go, don’t leave me here on my own. you pray, your breath dancing on ashen smoke and dust, for this person who would reach out to you amidst arctic waters. and shinra, this brilliant boy of orange sunsets, he holds on to it. he takes it between tender fingers, and protects it with every bit of care that he holds for you. you realize, as your tearing eyes behold the single text message he sends, that despite the cold that permeates your storm-weathered soul, that it’s warm. for the first time in a long time, you feel a warmth that had always been promised you, as if it had been waiting for you to finally let it in. a single flicker of a soft flame, one that had would only ignite should you let him, shinra had always been there for you.
and you tell yourself, solemnly and resigned, that perhaps, it’s time you finally let him be there for you.
WHAT? A BOX OPENING? FROM ME? What universe is this?!
Joking aside, I have finally gotten to the point where almost all of my outstanding requests are ready to be queued up and posted (minus a few that I had to delete because I was struggling a bit on them 😔), and I’m ready to open my box up for brand new requests in celebration of the new year!
Please read my Rules before sending in a request! (One Piece specific Rules Here)
Also please consider reading this Request Etiquette post before sending your request in!
I will be accepting 30 Spots total! And they WILL be semi-selective; which mostly means if the requests don’t follow my rules or I feel like I have the inability to write it, I will deny the request. Other than that, spots will be first come first serve.
I will accept 25 Headcanon requests, and 5 Scenarios this time around! (The Scenarios will be a bit more selective as well, since I do struggle with them). NO MATCHUPS!
I will write for One Piece, Black Clover, and Fire Force. Unpopular Characters (including but not limited to: Fishmen, Minks, Luffy, and Usopp) are welcome!
