“Concentrate on my heartbeat. Don’t listen to anything else.”
@fireize
Conflict: rage burning in her skin / underneath her artificial organs / perpetual / hurt and suffering loud and sharp and cutting like the crystals she once became. Fingers twitching to grasp and break. A child at once sure that she cannot deserve existence / love / them but also furious that she should have to believe that. SACRIFICIAL LAMB DIED FOR THEM REMAINS QUIET FOR THEM SWALLOWS HER SUFFERING LIKE GLASS FOR THEM AND SHE IS TIRED OF SLICING HER THROAT AND STOMACH TO MANGLED FLESH FOR THE SAKE OF OTHER PEOPLE. But can’t stop. But won’t stop. Conflict: nervous and desperate and angry and hurting and compelled to break something / anything / herself if only to be sure that she exists and that she is powerful and that she has the strength to KILL ANYONE WHO TRIES TO MAKE HER A PUPPET AGAIN.
Conflict: rage burning underneath her skin and the knowing that she cannot breathe a word of that suffering to anyone / to him. What she feels is ugly and she knows and if they see how bad how sick how furious how weapon - like she is they will leave. ( saïx and xemnas taught her well. she knows the rules. the requirements are different. PERFORM OR DIE. the requirements are the same. the performance is different. BE GOOD OR BE ALONE. which is the same as BE GOOD OR DIE. ) Conflict: nervous and desperate and angry and compelled to break something / anything / herself and if she does not expel this riotous thing somehow then it will turn her into shrapnel and she will DIE. But can’t speak it.
Conflict: she remembers how it felt, back before, when Xemnas brought her back and remade her into a weapon and she couldn’t fight and he would kill her if she couldn’t fight and she grew desperate and she leeched the memories and the skills from him and ———
Berserk is difficult to control, is all.
It is loud and white noise and rage overwhelming her / and she helpless in the face of it. A puppet to her own hurt / better that than a puppet to another / BETTER THAT THAN ALONENESS OR DEATH. Another kind of drowning.
She sequesters herself away when she does indulges this torture ( a forest, this time, decimating trees ) but she is not impossible to find. She doesn’t notice him; not even when his keyblade is against her own, desperate to either stop her or protect from her. Her blood roars. SHE IS AWARE ONLY THAT SHE HAS A TARGET. She doesn’t notice him past the white noise roaring in her ears and her body screaming screaming PUSH FARTHER PUSH FARTHER PUSH FARTHER PUSH FARTHER BREAK BREAK BREAK ——
She doesn’t notice him until her blade meets his body and he shouts in pain, the sound familiar and sick, and her mind twists and still screams but she pauses. His blade returns the strike in the pause she offers; not to harm but to STOP. She flies back at the force of it, landing on her feet and the fingertips of her free hand; crouched as though she’s half - feral. Perhaps she is. Eyes still bright and shining.
“Axel ——” It’s a choke of a name, voice tight. BREAK HIM BREAK HIM BREAK HIM. NO. I WOULD RATHER DIE. She wills the keyblade away and in its absence her weapon hand curls so tightly that her nails leave red half - moons in the scarred expanse of her palm. Her mind screams. Her body screams. SHE WANTS TO BREAK HIM. “Stay back —— nononononono —”
“Xion!” His voice is sick with hurt and worry. Her mind screams. Legs give out and she falls to her knees, fingers tangling in her hair and pulling hard. She curls in on herself, eyes screwed shut. SHE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE / THIS BURNING BUILDING / THIS JAGGED RIBCAGE. NEEDS TO GET BACK TO HERSELF. SHE CAN’T.
“Stop it,” she hisses at herself. The reverberating need to break something doesn’t lessen. “Just stop!”
She isn’t aware of him until there is a familiar hand on her shoulder; her head snaps up, a GROWL against her teeth. Lips part to tell him to GET AWAY, SHE’S NOT SAFE, but before she can manage he’s on his knees before her, folding her into a tight embrace. Her head against his chest.
“Concentrate on my heartbeat,” he says, voice low, perilously close to tears. Her trembling, twitching hands wrap around him and dig into his back with force enough to bruise — BREAK HIM. He doesn’t flinch. “Don’t listen to anything else.” Her shoulders shudder. She wants to BREAK HERSELF.
But she tries. Glowing eyes wide and staring at nothing at all, and she wills her grip to loosen and her body to loosen and she listens to his heartbeat, over - fast and afraid but STEADY. He took her back to Xemnas, once, so that he could break her, and his arms feel like the safest place in the world. She chokes out a sob. He holds her tighter.
“I’m sorry —” she gasps.
“Shhh.” One of his hands is gentle in her hair, brushing through the locks. His voice is trembling, and his hand is, too. He’s crying. “It’s okay. You’re okay, Xion.”
Her grip on him loosens. Her eyes flicker and then return to themselves. Her shoulders tremble and she listens as his heartbeat slows and her breaths turn to saltwater sobs. She curls against him and wants to apologize, but she is crying far too hard to do anything but cling to him and love him and feel so, so, so sorry.
“Shhhh,” Lea murmurs. “You’re okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.”