When the dread of silence attacks..
Days have passed, weeks, almost a month. I never foreseen of being in this state again -- in the middle of a dry season. It’s no longer summer in the country but I felt like there is a drought in my spirit. “I’ve been here before.. Been there, done that.” I know, long long ago I have overcome this season, but now I am here again. Discouraged. Burdened. Anxious. Hopeless. Empty. Seeking almost desperately for help but was always feeling lost and alone.
My mind was restless and my body’s trying to feel it. If I could stay at home all day, I’ll choose to sleep. If not, I’m not sure what other things there is to distract myself from thinking. When at home all I wanted to do was to be alone. When at work all I could ever think of was to get my self out of it. The many voices in my head were unstoppable and I am very sure that it was rooting deep down in my spirit. Something is leaking..something is broken..something is wrong.
And it is. For weeks, I tried reading the bible searching for a rhema verse, but every single time I found myself picking out anything for the sake of doing it. Every day I will plug my headphones and listen to worship songs, but the very least it did was to make me a lil’ bit “feel good” for the moment, afterwards I am again soaking in the sea of depression. Even in the social media world, you can see me posting verses and songs and it looks inspirational to most people. To be honest, by the time I am writing it down, my feelings were genuine and sincere, but it doesn’t last long enough for the rest of the day. It just don’t and I hate it.
But God was truly merciful, understanding and patient. I thank Him for knowing all my weaknesses and still love me as I am, drawing me closer to Him even when I turn back from face again and again. I thank Him for being patient despite of all the rantings He heard from me, for all the selfishness, and all the demands. I thank Him for being merciful, showing me goodness instead of showing me His wrath because of what I am doing and forgives me from all my sins. I thank Him for being there still, silently watching me and in His quietness helping me though I am unaware. I thank Him for being faithful in spite of all my childish acts. I thank Him for being a Father, loving me still, wanting me still, comforting me still, and protecting me still -- because that is who He was, is and will always be.
Today, let this post not be about my dry season, but something I can read over and over again as a reminder that there is truly nothing on heaven and on earth that can separate me from God’s great love. In this whole phase, when I thought I was alone and helpless, what was really happening on the background is God stretching my faith and trust in times of silence and nothingness. At the end of the day, my faith should not be dependent on what I feel, or on what I see but on my assurance that the God I am placing my hope holds it firmly. And that this God is real. And that His love is unending.