Link to Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27396187
Title: Little Do You Know, I’m Still Haunted By The Memories
Caused the apocalypse, or nearly did.
She was the reason Five spent nearly his entire life in the Apocalypse. She was the reason they had to flee to fucking Dallas, in the 60’s. She is the reason Ben died, and is replaced with this Other Ben. And she was the reason they came back, only to be kicked out of their own house.
Vanya honestly wished sometimes, that she could go back. To that blissfully oblivious month. When she believed she could live a normal life with Sissy and Harlan. Back when she didn’t have to deal with her family, or memories, or powers.
After they’d returned to 2019, being kicked out of their (former apparently) childhood home soon after, they splintered apart, again.
Allison made her way to Los Angeles, hoping Claire was still waiting for her; bringing Luther with her.
Diego similarly left, mentioning something about a friend of his and finding Lila. Klaus solemnly following behind him, wallowing in the loss of Ben. Their Ben. Because of Her.
While Five had stayed back, discussing something with their father, likely about not screwing up this timeline. About Her not ruining another timeline.
After everyone else splintered off, going their separate ways, again, Vanya alone, again. And somehow it hurt more being alone, being abandoned, forgotten, ignored, isolated, again.
Perhaps, it is because, this time, it made sense.
Because this time, she had done several things that likely caused her siblings to leave her. Namely, causing the apocalypse, for a second and third time, almost killing Allison, and actually killing Ben. Just to name a few.
Vanya silently wished she could return to The Academy, if only to use the basement. The bunker. The cell. Her prison. To lock herself away, like their father had, like Luther had, because, they were right. She was, is a monster. A bomb. A ticking time clock. The apocalypse.
She deserved to be locked up. Locked away. Kept away from everyone. From Allison. From Ben. Klaus. Diego. Luther. From Five.
She is a monster, and always will be.
She was destined to either end the world. Or, be killed, like a wild animal, by the people she grew up with.
She was never meant to be ordinary. She was never meant to be extraordinary. She never should have been born. Never been given the chance to live. To hurt. To kill.
An itch had spread, from her wrist, up her arms, across her chest, around her neck, and down her back. Spreading all around. Infecting everywhere. Ruining everything.
It felt like Vanya didn’t belong in her own skin. In this body, despite it being her own. Or, at least she thought so. There was another thing. Another being. Personality. Alter ego. Living, residing inside her. One that had a thirst for blood, pain, revenge, murder. A constant voice in the back of her mind, telling her, pleading with her, begging her, to be freed. To hurt. To kill.
And for a while, Vanya had been able to silence the voice. For a month. In Dallas. She, It, was gone. And Vanya hadn’t noticed, until It came back. Bringing memories she’d rather have forgotten forever with It. Haunting her. Taunting her. Torturing her.
From the moment they touched down back in 2019, It was stronger than Vanya could ever remember.
Whispering to her all the reasons that Diego hated her, wishing she was dead. Every secret moment they’d shared forever tainted by the blood she’d ever spilt, the invisible wounds she tore open and sold to the world, for a second of no longer being a nobody.
Taunting her with the memory of Luther rightfully squeezing the air from her lungs, when he should have waited for her heart to stop. As much as it burned, and hurt, at the moment, feeling as if the life was draining from her body, there had never been as much bliss that Vanya felt in her entire life than when she thought that the pain would stop. For good.
Reminding her as she looked at Other Ben, that it was her fault. It was always her fault. Every time. Because she wasn’t enough. She was never enough.
Ceaselessly filling her mind with images of accidentally slashing Allison’s throat, watching her sister bleed out on the floor, every time she glanced at her sister. Memories of hearing Allison and Klaus talking, and laughing, without her, as they did each other’s hair and nails. Bonding. Not needing, or wanting, their stupid ordinary sister hanging around. Never wanting her to be around. And still don’t.
Reliving every single time she had thought about how lucky Klaus was to have powers, ignoring all his complaints about the terrors that filled every waking moment and that clawed their ways into his dreams, because he had powers. He should be grateful to not be ordinary like she’d been. But, he didn’t end the world twice. Or kill his siblings.
Telling her that she was the reason Five was still in a teenage body. The reason that he suffered, for 45 years. Alone. Forced to join Them. Because of Her.
Hissing for her to stop Reginald’s heart again. To finally get revenge. For the imprisonment. The pills. The lies. The loneliness. The exile. The pain. The suffering. The hatred. The self-hatred.
But she couldn’t and never would.
For she was too much of a coward. Of a weakling. Too desperate for the attention. Or affection. The acknowledgment. To do anything to ruin it. But she already had.
Always ruining everything. Because she never fit in. Never belonged. Not with Hargreeves. Not with her mother. Not with Leon- Harold, or with Sissy. Nowhere, with no one. Never had. Once had. Never will. Not again. As she was never meant to exist.
There was rain. Practically pouring around her.
Too wrapped up in her own shit again to realize there was a world outside of her mind. Being selfish and self-centered again. Typical Vanya. Typical Number Seven. She hadn’t noticed the sky’s shift from partly sunny to being dark, cold rain pouring down. There was a reason she’d been given the lowest number. And it was very simple, she was the worst, at everything.
She should probably move, stop sitting on the bench she hadn’t felt herself sit at in the first place, move somewhere dry, and safe. She didn’t deserve to be safe, not after what she’s done. What she could do. Maybe, if she sits in the freezing rain for long enough, sitting in her thoroughly soaked and now cold clothes, she will simply, die. As she’s meant to. Or, perhaps God, the little girl in the sky, will strike her down where she sits. Putting everyone out of their misery by removing her from existence.
She’s too much of a coward to do it herself.
“Vanya?” Who was that? She felt like she’s supposed to remember this voice. “What the fuck are you doing? Are you an idiot?” The voice, attached to a boy. Five. Except, he wasn’t a boy. He looked older. Older than she could ever remember. He was pulling her from the bench, and in a flash, a flash of blue, she, they, were out of the rain. In some building. There was no one with them, only boxes. It was kind of dark. There were fingers in front of her face. Snapping. They were Five’s. “Vanya? You with me?”
“What’s going on with you? I looked for you everywhere.” Five, he didn’t sound upset, or angry, like Vanya expected. He just sounded, “Are you okay?” concerned.
Vanya nodded. Again. Adding, “I’m fine. Sorry.”
He gave her a look. It wasn’t one she liked. But, it wasn’t a mean one either. Not like the one Five from the Brain Dinner had. “What are you sorry for? Just don’t wander off without me next time.”
“I’m sorry.” Vanya said, head dropping, eyes trained on the floor, feeling like she did every time she disappointed anyone, but especially their father, filled with shame, “Sorry for everything.”
There was silence. Vanya hated the silence, more that she hated It. The silence, left her alone with It.
“Vanya?” Five. There was a hand on her wrist, rain wasn’t hitting the metal roof anymore. “It’s okay.”
“How can it be okay? I did, horrible things.” Vanya asked, wishing she had the strength to pulled her wrist from Five’s grasp. But she simply didn’t.
Five took a hold of her other wrist. “If it makes anything better, I forgive you.” Her eyes met his. “I never blamed you, but I still forgive you.” Vanya gave him a weak smile, his forgiveness easing the weight on her chest and quieted Its voice for a bit. Five’s hands slid from her wrists to her shoulders, “Vanya.”
“There’s something very important that I need to tell you Vanya.” Five said, waiting for some confirmation from her, and when Vanya gave him a shy nod, Five told her. “I love you Vanya Hargreeves.”
Vanya knew that her face was completely flushed, feeling the heat spreading across her skin. Needless to say, that hadn’t been what she’d expected him to say. But, regardless, she told him that, “I love you too, Five Hargreeves.”
And just like that. Everything clicked. She fit. Vanya was home.
