A Story About Us - Part 2
So, it’s been several years since I wrote part 1. A lot has changed. And I think we’ve lost ourselves in it all.
We’ve been together almost 9 years, married 5. We have 2 kids now. And our relationship has been through the ringer. We’ve been through multiple deaths in our families. We’ve been through all of our first born’s medical complications. We’ve been through many highs and lows. We’ve gone through things that most couples will never experience. We’ve hit rock bottom a few times. But we’ve always just said “we’ll figure it out.” And we always did.
Until now.
I’m not exactly sure how things got to this point. I know half of it’s my fault. I can’t take back the things I’ve said and done. But I never thought we’d be here. In this dark, painful place. When we kissed for the first time, I saw literal fireworks. I wonder when that became nothing more than a dull flame. Life changes people. Our experiences have molded us into the adults we are now. But for some reason it made us drift apart instead of come closer together.
You say you’ll always love me. But you don’t think you’re in love with me anymore.
Well, sorry, but I call bullshit on that one.
I think we’ve both been angry for so long about things, that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the other, that we couldn’t see past all the bullshit.
I can now. I can see more clearly than I’ve been able to in a long time. I see all the hurt. I see the pain. I see the regret. I see the longing. I see the hesitation. I see the walls. And I see why you would think this won’t work out in the end.
But I also see the moments we still have. Moments where we’re not bogged down by all the shit. Moments where we’re genuinely just enjoying each other’s company. Moments where I feel like us again.
They might be fleeting but the fact that they are there at all, tells me we still have a fighting chance. And though you may have given up, I haven’t. You say you’ll work as hard as you can to make things work so you won’t have regrets when we eventually go our separate ways but I’ll be working to prove to you that we don’t need to. That our love is still there. It can still survive. I’ll do everything in my power to stoke those flames and reignite that fire. Everything. I’ll make you see that this marriage isn’t over. That we can still have a long, healthy, loving relationship. I won’t let the bullshit cloud everything. I won’t let my anger get the best of me. I won’t let you think this is all for not. Right now, you feel like I don’t understand you. That I don’t see you. That I don’t know you. But I used to. I do know parts of you. And I will get to know the rest of you now that I can see more clearly. I’m sorry that it took me this long to fully understand and open my eyes to everything. I know you’re angry. I know you’re hurt. I know you just want to be done with everything. But I also know that deep down inside, you want this to work. You want to stay together. You want to get back to being us again. If you didn’t, you would’ve let me leave. You wouldn’t have been in the livingroom that morning. Your voice wouldn’t have been choked with emotion when you told me “I don’t want this.” If you were really, truly done, you would’ve let me leave. I caught a glimpse of the real you under it all that day and I’m clinging to that hope. Because I know you want this too. I want to grow old with you. I want to raise our kids with you. I want to be your wife, partner, best friend. I want to be everything I thought I would be when I said “yes” to your proposal. I’m sorry that I lost myself in the bullshit. I’m sorry that my anger made me say and do things that never should’ve crossed my mind. I’m sorry I put you through unnecessary hell. But I’m here. I’m going to fight to fix things. I’m going to prove to you that we aren’t a lost cause. I love you with everything in me. I am still so in love with you. And I’m terrified to lose you.
As I said to you the other day “I’m not going anywhere, so you might as well admit defeat now because I’m going to prove you wrong.”