a wish or desire to see something done, but not enough will to make it happen or actions meant to pursue it
It was a natural thing to be homesick when you were away from your home. It was natural to miss something that you no longer had. But even when you could easily go to, or get, the thing you wished to have, there was still the fact that you had to be passionate enough about it to do something about it.
Jiwon often missed his home town. He missed his mother, and sometimes, although he would never admit to it, he missed his step-father, but only a little because the man hadn’t been very present in his life in the first place with being away for military duty after military duty. He missed having something… normal. He missed the normalcy of having a family that he could see whenever he wanted, and most importantly he missed his mother’s cooking and baking. From time to time, he regretted leaving to Seoul so suddenly, but at the same time, there were so many reasons that kept him away from going back. Like “The Incident”, as he liked to call it because it sounded cooler than something like “The Unintentional Murder”, and church. He did not miss church. In fact, his mother would be appalled and probably go into shock to know that he didn’t even own a bible in Seoul.
What good was God when he would be turned away? Did God even welcome sinners? Did he truly offer them forgiveness?
He remembered it clearly: We are all guilty of sin. But what he had always been unsure of was if there was ever a sin that was just too big to forgive. It’s preached that there was no sin too big but what if there was? What murderer was ever forgiven for the act? Even after being incarcerated? That’s exactly it: there was none.
Maybe church would do him good—But that idea alone was laughable.
All his thoughts were of his mother and his home because of the bakery that he stood in, having spotted it on the way to work that morning and he made a mental note to stop by after work. It smelled like heaven—or rather, of his mother’s baking. It smelt too good, almost intoxicating, the sweet scent of pastries and fresh breads leaving him sniffing the air and inhaling deeply all too often. There was nothing better in life than the feeling of hot, fresh bread melting in your mouth with that oh so satisfying crunch of the crust. And that was exactly why he ordered an entire loaf for him to take him, along with a few pastries. Who cares if it’s bad for him? He didn’t care. Cheat days were a thing.
Jiwon looked at the girl that stood on the other side of the counter, preparing his order for him in bags. He couldn’t help but smile. “I haven’t had freshly baked anything in what feels like forever… I’m so jealous that you work in a place like this. My mom used to bake a lot, but I never see her so I never get to have her baking anymore. Does your mom bake? I feel like a lot of moms do.”
Leave it to Ahn Jiwon to be awkward and say too much.
