Aug 20, 2014
Three Panel Soul
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Three Panel Soul
because you never were and because i always was
i think i might have drained myself and blamed it on you. because well, i think i'm not quite full at all and you poured some of your water into my glass and i could smile but i couldn't drink it. and i cursed heaven above and hell below for your inadequacies and my hurt and i begged for your heart to be ripped out and stuck at the bottom of your glass, drowning like mine had but in the end, i was empty and you were no more at fault than the birds that sit on windowsills and eat seed that other people buy.
i know you'll rip out my ribs and construct from them a home. i want you to take my body and recycle it and use it as yours because i want to keep you close and keep you in me. but please, my love, watch out for i am panicky and quick and i might tear down your house at anytime because your roof and your beams and the floor beneath your feet are all mine and mine and only mine and i have decided that from this day forward, i am my own history and i can write it with my own pen and my own paper. i'll collapse that house right on top of you and rip out all your pages and i'll forget you ever existed and i'll wash you out of my sheets. i'll force you out after i bury you inside of the house you made of me. watch out, watch out, i'm a killer on the loose, because i'm letting you into me, and not knocking at your door i'm a landlord, not a tenant; see, i'm letting you rent what i have. watch out, watch out, i'll take it away.
He told her that she was what he needed. And he looked in the mirror and told himself that he could make something with her. She was good for him, he said to his friends. To her, he said that she was perfect.
What he meant was that she laughed the right way and at the right times and she was exciting and young and full of life and beautiful. What he meant was that her soul and her very being struck him to his core and he could look at her and feel something in the pit of his stomach that crept to his throat and came out in a croaked, "I love you."
What he meant was, "I don't deserve you." What he meant was, "When are you going to leave?" And he knew that she would because she had to. She wasn't his and she never could be, no matter how much he wanted. He wasn't worth her time and eventually she would realize it. So he smiled with her because it felt natural and it felt good and it felt right. And he frowned into the mirror because he knew she'd be gone eventually and he wouldn't stop her.
And in the end, he pushed her away first because he was too afraid of what state he'd wake up in if she ever crept out of his bed before the sun rose the next morning.
