i have a weird relationship with gender not in like a genderqueer kind of way (very much a cis guy even after considering other options) but more in like… i identify closely with my assigned gender at birth on an intrinsic level to the point where a lot of discussions about men in queer spaces sort of rings weirdly to me, but also i do not remotely identify with the macho alpha male conservative machismo side of masculinity either.
like… it’s hard to put into words but i feel like i’ve been told stuff along the lines of “you’re one of the good ones” from the women/genderqueer folk in my life which i know is meant to be a compliment but it always felt weird to me. like because of this intrinsic part of myself people are automatically wary of me, or are assuming bad intentions. i know that based on, like, statistics and reality that it’s not unfounded for people to navigate the world by assuming caution around men, but man it does sorta fuck with me knowing that this is just the way people who don’t know me are gonna see me off the bat.
but, like, there’s also so many toxic parts of masculinity that feel crippling to me, and a lot of this is perpetuated by other men. the expectation to be like an impenetrable wall of tough, not being sensitive or emotional, being able to walk off anything… you see this in the way that gay male culture works. like it’s made into jokes and memes, but the way that so much gay male sexuality has this expectation of emotional detachment is just horrible. it makes it so hard to create connections with other gay men in ways that are more emotional or romantic in nature because it’s like everybody has their guards up constantly.
a lot of gay men respond to this by tapping into their femininity more, which is where a lot of gay stereotypes come from, but i’ve never really connected with that either. i still present myself as obviously male, and don’t really have a lot of interest in stereotypically feminine things, which i’m fine with, but i think it once again puts me in the awkward middle ground of being too gay for the straights and too straight for the girls/gays/theys.
it leads me to this spot where i can’t really relate or connect with men at large because of societal expectations. a lot of women and queer people are immediately wary of me because of my gender, granted it’s through not fault of mine or their own, but it still stings. gay male culture, which should ostensibly be where i would find the most people to relate to, is so emotionally detached that it’s suffocating. i’m perfect happy with my gender and gender presentation, but because of my personality clashing with literally every way that “being a man” interacts with society it ends up feeling kinda isolating.
