I’ve written this note a dozen of times. Maybe more. And every time I’ve refrained myself from posting it. I’ve written similar ones however, that I *do* have posted of me feeling like maybe I needed to stop writing. Of feeling like I wasn’t enough. A part of me knows those words had been met with increasing tiredness.
Or maybe not and this is just me and my very little concept of one’s self-worth. Who knows. Let’s say it’s a mix of the two of them. Point is…
I’m leaving the fandom. Well, not exactly. I’m going to stop writing. Yeah, that’s more fitting.
Writing is just as a part of who I am as having brown hair. It’s a part of me that it’s always been there and probably always will no matter how many times I try to squash it and probably the reason why I’ve been putting it off for so long despite my feelings of not being adequate was just that: that I enjoy the concept of sitting in front of the screen and type and work on a story and rewrite it… too much. But, at the same time, I feel like there is nothing else for me to give.
Or maybe what I can offer is not good enough. Still toying with both concepts. They are equally hard to swallow.
I realize that I still have things I want to write; collabs I want to start and finish and be excited about. I will finish those and enjoy them. I will answer to the prompts I have in my inbox and I’ll take part on this upcoming supernova. But after that it’s done…
I think I won’t keep writing. At least that’s what I think now.
There are a hundreds of reasons, both good and bad. Some are rooted in this tiny one that we all writers scream about: feedback. Others are rooted on my own twisted perception on how I’m not a good writer. Some others are written with the usual inky thoughts of: I’m not going to really be missed Xd
Will I stop writing for other fandoms? At the moment I don’t know. I’m going to finish what I’ve started with the prompts and things I have and then… I’ll let it play out.
So… yeah. This is not my letter of: I’m quitting now. This is me stating that it’s only a matter of time, that I feel right now that it’s a matter of time. I wish I’d been better in a way. That’s a thought my mind has been hammering my skull for weeks now. It’s also telling, I think, that so many great writers I know appear to be suffering by different levels of block and burn out. But that’s another type of conversation that requires a far too lengthy explanation I won’t enter into now.
I’m guessing this is my two-weeks notice. Even if it’s not going to be two weeks. It’s going to at least be longer than that. At least until the supernova is finished. So yeah. Plenty of time to put my things in order. Maybe time to change my mind. Who knows. But, at the same time, I felt like I needed to put into words and in a post my actual feelings. Even if they are going to be met with a groan.
I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that business will remain as usual until the supernova is finished. And I’ll let my thoughts work themselves through -well, I will work on them- but I felt that posting this note would help in a way. Or at least put in context what I’m feeling right now as I try to find the “eureka” moment I used to have every time I hit post in yet another story. Bottom line is: I will remain here. But I feel like giving myself at least the room to draw a line will help me. In a way.
