it’s really important to learn how to handle Really Difficult Situations™ that might affect your friends or (chosen) family (which is all of them unless you are so bigoted that you would never even be around someone who’s affected by bigotry, exploitation or their effects or even just severe bad luck).
I’m thinking of mid-to-long-term severe issues that may overshadow a person’s life like severe/chronic illness, discrimination, psychological wounds and scars (mental illness), or poverty, (threat of) homelessness etc.
So many ppl who grew up privileged didn’t learn how to handle these topics and instead only saw them as something that affects others far far away, so when people in their lives do encounter Really Difficult Situations™, they either sweep them under the rug, make ppl affected by these and similar issues not talk about them even when they are extremely relevant, isolating these ppl and/or trying to be “polite” (or pc, or an “ally”) by listening to their friend’s venting without having coping strategies or ever setting boundaries until they will inevitably be unable to continue doing that and snap and break off all contact whatsoever. Isolation again for the people who need social networks the most...
I’ve noticed that ppl who grew up with and/or were around others with Really Difficult Situations™ (or later on got more used to it), tend to be used to venting to their friends, having friends vent to them, and also to say “no not now” when friends try to vent while they’re in crisis themselves or “lets talk about something else now” when it gets too much all at once.
It’s not inconsiderate, but a vital part of coping, to set boundaries, to have fun, to just distract oneself/each other for a while, to join in humour about the Difficult Thing, to not set the rest of one’s life aside completely, but to also not ignore or downplay the Difficult Thing and its consequences.
It’s really good to ask ppl if it’s ok to vent before starting to vent at them
It’s also good to ask if someone wants to have advice before dishing it out
it’s important to take other people’s problems seriously and not make them seem smaller or easier to solve than they actually are just to feel better yourself
it’s important to listen to and respect the lived experiences of ppl who deal with those difficult problems rather than thinking you know better if you haven’t experienced the situation yourself
and even if you have experienced it! everyone is different
It’s important to respect one’s own and each other’s boundaries and limitations to the best of everyone’s abilities.
It’s good to say “You can call me during [these times]” instead of “call me anytime!” if you cannot actually be there for them at all times.
It’s important not to promise support that you cannot deliver on
it can also be helpful to give specific examples of what help you could offer like “you can come over and eat here/crash on the couch for x amount of time” or “you can talk to me” or “i can help you make phonecalls and accompany you to appointments”
a generic “if you need anything, ask” can feel overwhelming or like a mere platitude sometimes
but also keep in mind that you may not be able to predict what the person needs and let them make suggestions or ask for things you haven’t considered
It’s good to brainstorm and implement plans for how they can build a broader support network instead of only relying on one or a few people for a lot of support
It’s good to have coping strategies for oneself for times when the struggles of a friend or loved one affect one’s own mood, life or mental wellbeing too much
or a support group/network for oneself if necessary
it’s good to remind your friend of their coping strategies (including distractions or humour and getting breaks as often as possible) or brainstorm some with them if they don’t know what to do (but don’t be pushy!)
it’s good to have a plan b for when you cannot lend an ear or otherwise support them
dont put your own life on hold longterm to support someone else if you can avoid it
support them in persuing/appreciating other areas of their lives outside the Really Difficult Situations™, as well as plans and hopes and goals or simply a hobby, even just watching a tv show together
do not isolate or push away people with Really Difficult Situations, even if all you can do to support them is to carry on your friendship like usual!
of course you can and should get away from abusive or bigoted people no matter what!
you should also not feign friendship for ppl you genuinely don’t like or find boring. But ask yourself if you have some unconscious bias against them or if you could do something less drastic than cutting them out of your life to solve the problem (like setting clearer boundaries about what things to do or topics to discuss)
help them find friends or make connections/networks with ppl in similar circumstances if they’d like that
