Eff, Scene 3
(3 stands behind Eff shaking his head)
1: (knelling in front of Eff)
please? Please? Please? Pleeeeease? Give me something here! Please. (Looks at 3, back at Eff) you want a donut?
(Pause)
(2 knocks on the door. 3 suddenly moves toward Eff, whispering in his ear...)
3: You hear that, punk? That get your coat tails in a bunch? Yeah buddy, you better start talkin, or imma let the dogs out on you. WhoWhoWho!!!!
Oh boy I swear on your mother-
1: Good one.
(2 knocks on the door)
3: Who is it!?
1: We know who it is
(2 knocks on the door)
3: Yes that's right. You don't want me to open that door, little Eff. If you think I'm bad, just wait and see.
(Pause)
Talk and, you'll get a donut. Don't talk, and you'll get, tortured, by the, meanest, baddest, craziest, insaniest, most psychotic, oh man you don't even know-
1: (shooing away 3) You don't even know. If you get stuck, we went over this, you freak out and pass it to me! Okay? (To Eff) Listen guy, my pal over here is right. I hate to tell you this cuz I like your ears, but if you don't talk, I'm gonna have to instruct that crazy motherfucker behind the door to bust it down, and then he's gonna bust your face in. (Back to 3) Look at me I feel like the bad cop.
2: (knocking) Fellas!
3: Nows not a good time, Bucky!
1: No don't do that.
2: (knocking) let me in!
3: NO! We can handle this just fine without you.
1: I say we let him in.
2: told you! Now let me in!
3: it's unlocked doofus.
1: Come in!
(2 enters wearing a police uniform)(Pause)
2: Rozinski. Janokowski. How's it goin in here?
3: Huh?
1: Duh!
2: Uh. Hello. Rozinski. Janokowski. I won't ask again, gentlemen. (Hiking up his pants) How goes it?
3: who are you?
1: a cop!
2: not just any cop. I'm the meanest baddest craziest insaniest most psychotic man cop- Police Chief in the tri-state area.
3: you are?
1: says who?
2: says this badge, sucker. I've been around the town now and then seen some things ya know all that stuff. Definitely been emotionally tattered. My brain is mush with crime and injustice. Good thing I sent you two in here to prep the victim. You guys are my cops, right?
3: I mean I mean I mean
1: this is a dream come true.
2: yes. But your eyes are awake young wasabi.
3: why do this now?
1: why not?
2: Well since you two were having so much fun in here, which I saw through this two way glass by the way, i thought I'd join in on all the hoopla. Anyway, I digress. I've been around seen some things and some junk. I'm the Chief. The Chief of Police. Right?
3: Right?
1: Right.
2: Alright. Well, I just came to check on my deputies.
3: I'm a Sheriff.
1: Aw.
(Pause)
2: yes. You are the Sheriff. But I'm the Chief. Right?
3: and I'm Sheriff Janokowski. 1: I guess.
2: That is not your name private!
3: you're mixing your metaphors.
1: you stay away from my privates!
2: Stand down Deputy Kozinski!
3: There ya go.
1: Yessir.
2: janokowski. I need a coffee.
3: oh. Right away, sir.
1: can I stay?
2: yes but you must sit, there in the corner and watch. Watch carefully and learn. Be quiet and quite and quaint.
3: how shall I be?
1: sitting.
2: quick. You shall be quick and slick.
3: I'm on it! Black, sir?
1: Where!?!?
2: yes, black. And three sugars.
3: Chief Three Sugars. That's how I'll always remember! (Exits)
1: watching. Learning.
2: (Locks the door, to Eff) You got some kinda nerve. Bashful? I know your kind. I am your kind. I know you. All this silence. You think it gets to us? You think you'll break us down before we get a chance to really put-a-hurtin on you? Huh? Is that what you think!? (Pause, to Kozinski 1) Did you offer him a donut?
3: (knocks) styrofoam or mug?
1: I did.
2: Mug please.
3: you got it, slick.
1: he didn't budge.
2: thank you!
3: your welcome!
1: sit, watch, learn. Aren't you supposed to be teaching me something?
2: I most certainly am. You haven't been paying attention. I'm showing you how to disrupt the psychi of a silent mute.
1: we'll get at it then!
2: (eyes wide)...I am, Kozinski. If you would just-
1: sit and watch and learn? I'm sick of this Chief!
2: Sick?
1: dreadfully sick. I wanna get out there, on the beat 24/7 bop bop bang put your hands up GET THOSE HANDS UP NOW scallion! We have the right to remain biased, anything we say can and will be used against you in a courtly hall-
2: Kozinski!
1: Chief!
(Pause)
2: You've been a good cop-
(3 knocks on the door)
1: uh huh
2: maybe even a great cop-
(3 knocks on the door)
1: yes?
2: and I'll tell you something-
(3 knocks on the door)
1: mhmmmmm?
2: (beginning to be bothered with the knocking) I've been, very impressed by your-
(3 knocks on the door)
1: do tell
2: by your, abilities-
(3 knocks on the door)
1: my I ask for a brief elaboration?
2: I was saying, that-
(3 knocks on the door)
1: thaaaaat?
2 that-
(3 knocks on the door)
1: that???
2: OH SON OF A MONKEYS UNCLE WILL YOU HALT WITH THE CONFOUND KNOCKING!? WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR ONE MOMENT OF PEACE SO THAT I CAN DO MY JOB!?!? I TRY TO TEACH YOU AND YOU YADDA YADDA YADDA- and you behind the DOOR! I WILL BE THERE IN A JIFFY JUST relax in the waiting area I will be right with you sir!
(Pause. Eff, who has remained motionless, nods his head forward. A simple lean. Freezes. Silence. They saw it.)
3: (from behind the door) What happened?
1: what were you going to say Chief?
2: Shut up. This is serious. Did you see that?
3: What is it? Did Eff do something? Can I come in?
1: It's unlocked, rhubarb. Hey Chief?
2: Please do not, I am focused on different things now please tell me you saw that.
3: (walking in, holding two coffees)I'm retired, boys.
1: tell me what you were going to say and I'll tell you if I saw it.
2: deal. You go first.
3: here's your coffee, ma'am.
1: I saw it.
2: Okay. Good. Cool.
3: Try it. Did you here me my turkeys cooked.
1: Now you go.
2: Nah I'll pass.
3: Shootin blanks in the job market I don't wanna work and I won't, cuz I'm old!
1: you can't pass!
2: yes I can. We did not shake hands a document was not signed I have no tangible contractable obligation to this agreement I'm off Scott free zip zap zilch can't touch me won't touch me fuck you pussy bitch!
3: I'm gonna need to go to the bank... But then after that I'm free to take a nap. Fuck work. (Pause) Hey will you try the damn coffee I fuckin slaved over it?
1: that's fucking bullshit and you know it!
2: it doesn't matter baby bro, because I just got us closer to Eff. (Drinks the coffee)
Pffffd! What the fuck is in this?
3: Shnapps vodka and chocolot sirup.
1: Because he moved?
2: Mary Angels and Joseph are you drinking this too?
3: Youre god damn right I am! Good huh?
1: He moved after you had that big panic thing you do.
2: Exactly. And actually, kinda yeah, ha. Fuck you.
3: I'm good at what I do what can I say.
1: Ohhh. Oh my god.
2: You figure it out yet?
3: I got my old guy niche ya know I make alcoholic coffee I get a check every month sure it's a nice life.
1: I think so. You did teach me! You taught me that as a police Chief guy you are under great pressures, every day. Protecting our loved ones but, you don't have all that love to go around, so, you hide yourself under this facade, because, you're out there makin justice, and, you think I'm a good cop, maybe even a great cop, you said that, and, you just can't say it, cuz you're so angry inside, but I see it, and also, sometimes, you just have to have one of those panic things you do, cuz then after that you feel better, so, if you're smart, just bottle it all up and freak out on the ones you love most, cuz they'll forgive you, and then it's okay, and then maybe if you yell and scream a whole bunch, someone sitting still, impervious to most if not all emotion, will move just slightly, in response to your tantrum. And I like that. I hope you have found peace in that.
(Pause)
2: No dummy. That's only part of it. I freaked out right?
3: Drink up drink up you want another?
1: yes you did.
2: and I freaked out about wanting to have some peace and quiet and THATS when Eff moved. Not before. Not after. RIGHT when I said that very poetic, masterful dialogue, of frothy hate! DID EFF MOVE! I will forwardly rest my case. I need peace.
3: (Finishing 2s coffee) Congratulations. (Walking to the door) Luckily, I made a few pots worth, so we could really hold it down in here, get the interrogation goin, let the juice take effect, loosen his gourd get him talkin. That information on the peace and quiet is essential and will be vital in the coming moments. Once you're outta here.
(To 1 about 2)
He's got a spark in his eye he won't be here long.
1: where's he gonna go?
2: To be in the silence. Away from you two. So I can think. And I would take Eff with me, but I couldn't carry him on my own because I'd break him, and you guys wouldn't help me because I don't want you to help me. So I will be back. Whenever. With an idea. Eff knows best. Goodbye.
(Pause)
3: looks like we got some coffee to drink, old boy.
1: may I have some?
(2 goes to leave, turns back to look at Eff)
3: Absolutely (hands him a whole pot of coffee)
1: Cheers!
2: Eff knows best. (Exits)
3: Cheers, my fried. Cheers, Eff!
(Blackout.)