decent bday today, first one in a good few years lol. even though i had to go to a doctors appointment in the morning. and, i had a terrible sleep because my brain decided to give me some fun and fresh flashbacks at 1AM.
i opened the present from midnight… oh my gosh ya’ll. so many cute and thoughtful little gifts in there. i’ll upload pics when i have the energy.
gonna make the gallagher household on the sims and rest for the rest of the day. 🖤🩸
long reflections- the day after the climax of months long building wrath of my narc. being kicked out for the LAST time. it’s time to close the book completely. say your goodbyes, feel what you need to and move on. let go. this does not serve us anymore.
good sleeping schedule and general daily schedule failed yesterday after all of the aggression and bs of my narc.
i want to die every day, but i have been fighting so fking hard for myself. that schedule and the effort i have been putting it to get stronger physically and mentally was painfully difficult. but i was doing it.
i feel and look like complete trash. woke up and had tears in my eyes within the first few minutes of waking up.
anyone with a narc parent knows that you get used to building your world up and then having it destroyed over and over…
but this has a very painful and melancholic, yet somehow relieving finality to it.
i’ve fought for this love hard, all of my life. and now it’s done. she sealed it.
even when i do forgive her, i wont be coming back. ever.
the biggest thing (besides the unstable living situation) is, before i quit my job, i poured over $10k into my gardens. i love my garden. i was planning to move out later this year anyways, and would take as much as i could but come back to visit and care for my gardens.
i can’t leave them behind, i don’t want to visit any more. i don’t want to leave them here in this place of negativity. gardening is part of my practice in spiritually and even without that, my grounding as a person. i will have to work on tearing them up over time and moving it all to my father’s. where i feel comfortable to visit, and where there is someone who i know truly loves and cares for plants the way i do (step mother).
i had a more open and serious discussion with midnight last night about my narc. they are the only person i know in my personal life that has a narc mother, and has spoken about it at least.
midnight was talking about how every interaction with the narc makes you change (in the moment and over time). even when hanging and having a nice time with positive family members or friends and your narc is there, then they come up or you have to go up to them. it’s a sudden shift into this heavy and controlled version of yourself. like there is a poisoned mist that surrounds them that only you have a weakness to. we spoke about it and related in depth for some time.
i reached out to my father when i had my breakdown. he said i can stay there while im figuring things out. he’s so understanding and helpful when it comes to my relationship with narc. but relating but to the conversation with midnight- i was in bed and i couldn’t sleep, i was just reflecting over the fact that- there has never been a time where i see my dads face or hung out with him one on one where it hasn’t made me smile. or if i was upset, hasn’t made me feel like my feelings are invalid. if it was more of a heavy conversation or time, hasn’t made me feel like it wasn’t a safe place for me to exist and talk freely.
i thought, when i think of my father’s face, it makes me feel comforted, safe, happy and calm (sometimes it makes me feel really sad because of the gaps in our relationship, but the narc had a lot to do with those).
though its not completely sustainable, it’s not permanent (i will have to have fur baby stay with my sibling, and i will me giving away and selling over half of my possessions) this is an opportunity. this is another chance for me to get better, but this time, for the first time… in a familiar environment where it is truly safe to do so. the heavy and suffocating fog that is conditional love, has followed me around and controlled my life for as long as i have been living it, with the narc and my 9 year relationship.
i can be free. this is going to be such a hard time, i’m going to keep falling for a while. but at least i will have true stability and i will hit the solid ground (with some support and padding). instead of badly constructed flooring that just breaks on impact and i just keep falling and hitting the same time of floor over, it breaking and the cycle going on and on.
it will allow for true healing. i will get back into my spirituality, stay true and strong in working on myself without it being torn down and finally be truly independent without it being ripped away.
i know it’s not what a lot of people want, but i want children. they may not be biologically mine or maybe they will, maybe both… idk yet. but i will have children one day, i want to be the person they can rely on- feel like they are never truly alone. i want to celebrate their accomplishments, i want them to feel like they can celebrate their accomplishments. i want them to feel loved unconditionally. i want them to feel important. i want them to feel like they can be their true selves around me. i want them to feel like their own individual people.
i need to get better, i need to heal, before i start that journey with them. truly, i need to heal even before i can genuinely pick up on my own path again.
i cannot heal in the house i grew up in, too much bad bullshit happened. more so, i cannot heal with the person who breaks me over and over.
i destroyed myself over and over trying to nurture and heal a relationship where it turns out, i am a human being and the other functions as both a brick wall and a black hole.
screams into the void about my mental health and current struggle. 🩸
now that i am at one of the lowest points in my life in regards to my mental health, i am hoping for the kindness and good karma i put out there to others in their times of need will be returned. but i know that cannot be forced.
i am obsessively clean usually. when i have had roommates over the years i would always keep the house in perfect order and always have meals cooked for them, even on days where i was working. they often felt too bad to get out of bed for hours.
i never let myself get outwardly frustrated at them. when i would internally, i would remind myself that i have been that bad before and i likely will again. all that person needs is understanding, unconditional love, encouragement and time and they will get back on track. someone has to keep the ship afloat.
now i am all alone. this is the longest time i’ve lived alone in all of my adult years. and i am not doing well at all. its codependency, i know, but i miss having a reason to keep going.
my house is a god damn pit. i am incredibly depressed and unable to do basic self care and tidying some days. i have been falling behind on drinking water, let alone my nutrition. i’ve always been good with my hydration. not right now i guess…
i wish every day for that kindness to be returned to me, but no one is here to help.
i slowly every day do whatever i can but it’s piling up and getting harder every day. i need my routine but i can’t even keep up with that.
on Friday, i had the worst day of flashbacks i have had in a long time, without nightmares to begin the day at least. i was shaking and crying on the floor. i barely moved around. i lost so much time. visions all around me, all day. me yelling aloud and begging for it to stop. lost in a world in the past with or without my eyes closed all day. outside of the flashbacks, every painful thing that could come up in my mind did.
i feel so alone. having my mothership emotionally and verbally abusing me every other day or week is taking its toll now that i am alone.
i am still waiting for help medically at the moment. waiting lists, referrals. i just wish i had friends that could help me. i wish it wasn’t weird to ask for help just once with household stuff.
looking at all this mess just fills me with shame and self hatred up over and over again. how could i let it get this bad? this is so painful and disgusting.
i’m turning 27 in a few days and i just feel like a failure 24/7.
is there hope for me? will this ever turn around? what do i do?
had psychiatrist and blood test today. got a higher dose of depression, anxiety and sleeping related meds. :/ hate that, but hopefully it helps.
lots of dulled emotional pain today. numbness circus. it’s agony, but pushed down, so deep it just adds to the ache i have had almost all of my life.
want to drink and want to SH but that would be pretty stupid. especially the drinking. it’s wednesday and i have to go to the doctor again tomorrow.
lightly mentioned 3d to my psychiatrist today. trying to downplay it HARD.
after that appt, i headed to get my blood drawn. this was ordered at the start of the month, but i am a hermit. the nurse pointed out that it mentioned 3d on there (she did this bc it she mentioned it could help wave the out of pocket expense). i panicked because i didn’t know it was on there. is scary to see it back, current & on papers again.
i will definitely be reading my blood test orders properly from now on. i used to have to do so many, that it just felt like taking my keys and wallet when i go out.
i tried opening up about my chronic dissociation but i couldn’t. part of me just stops me. i’ll be getting a referral back to my real and proper therapist tomorrow, so hopefully she can help me understand and talk about it when i need to.
