#forestintheirfeels

[thekaleforest]

i am falling apart.

screams into the void about my mental health and current struggle. 🩸

now that i am at one of the lowest points in my life in regards to my mental health, i am hoping for the kindness and good karma i put out there to others in their times of need will be returned. but i know that cannot be forced.

i am obsessively clean usually. when i have had roommates over the years i would always keep the house in perfect order and always have meals cooked for them, even on days where i was working. they often felt too bad to get out of bed for hours.

i never let myself get outwardly frustrated at them. when i would internally, i would remind myself that i have been that bad before and i likely will again. all that person needs is understanding, unconditional love, encouragement and time and they will get back on track. someone has to keep the ship afloat.

now i am all alone. this is the longest time i’ve lived alone in all of my adult years. and i am not doing well at all. its codependency, i know, but i miss having a reason to keep going.

my house is a god damn pit. i am incredibly depressed and unable to do basic self care and tidying some days. i have been falling behind on drinking water, let alone my nutrition. i’ve always been good with my hydration. not right now i guess…

i wish every day for that kindness to be returned to me, but no one is here to help.

i slowly every day do whatever i can but it’s piling up and getting harder every day. i need my routine but i can’t even keep up with that.

on Friday, i had the worst day of flashbacks i have had in a long time, without nightmares to begin the day at least. i was shaking and crying on the floor. i barely moved around. i lost so much time. visions all around me, all day. me yelling aloud and begging for it to stop. lost in a world in the past with or without my eyes closed all day. outside of the flashbacks, every painful thing that could come up in my mind did.

i feel so alone. having my mothership emotionally and verbally abusing me every other day or week is taking its toll now that i am alone.

i am still waiting for help medically at the moment. waiting lists, referrals. i just wish i had friends that could help me. i wish it wasn’t weird to ask for help just once with household stuff.

looking at all this mess just fills me with shame and self hatred up over and over again. how could i let it get this bad? this is so painful and disgusting.

i’m turning 27 in a few days and i just feel like a failure 24/7.

is there hope for me? will this ever turn around? what do i do?

[thekaleforest]

[thekaleforest]

going to keep running until i pass out.

[thekaleforest]

intrusive thought that is hard to shake:

what if i have just been hallucinating this whole time and i made midnight up to cope because i have no one else?

[thekaleforest]

it’s okay body, it’s okay mind.

you have built these walls for protection, and that’s okay, thank those parts of yourself for keeping you safe when it is needed.

but they are not needed always. you can breathe in deep and let go sometimes.

there are people that love you. there are people that are safe. there are people that will love you unconditionally, that you don’t even know yet.

there are people that need you to be your true self. these people love you for you.

there are people who love you on good days, neutral days and bad days.

most importantly, you need to be true to yourself.

keep doing the work. you’re not broken beyond repair.

you are a good person and you are trying so hard.

it’s okay to have slow days. it’s okay to do nothing some days. just take care. try to be kind to yourself.

it’s okay that sometimes you may take a few steps backward or it even can feel like a leap. but that is normal. life isn’t a fairytale. no one has all of the answers. we don’t have a guide book to life. you are trying your hardest and that’s what matters.

don’t give up. you are important, you are loved, you are unique and beautiful inside and out.

🖤🩸

[thekaleforest]

a truth in life is that you can’t control how other people react to you. your words, actions, personality, looks, everything surrounding your existence.

i have issues with consuming sustenance, and have for a long time. i have struggled with control for all of the life i can remember.

but i swallowed that pill a long time ago. and have made peace with it.

when will you?

[thekaleforest]

🖤🩸

✮ i have been trying so badly to fix my sleeping schedule. the past two days i’m doing better in that regard, than i have in a VERY long time.

✮ i wrote out a 4 weekly, daily schedule and filled out everything to the minute.

✮ i’ve been following the schedule to the best of my ability.

✮ i have been exercising and trying my best to eat better.

✮ i have barely any money, but i have managed to budget and feed myself and my cat, pay rent and afford other essentials.

✮ i cleaned my house from a disgusting, depressed sh*tshow into something that is more manageable and hygienic again.

i did, and am doing, all of this by myself in one of the worst mental health situations i have been in in my life. my medical referrals are taking the longest time, mental health related ones are still not here. but i have been trying to take healing into my own hands while i await the more official things.

more abuse from my narc today. a lot of really horrible things said and threatened that i won’t get into. but they turned the little bit of colour i added to my day into a thick, grey, suffocating smoke again.

i need to get out of here. but i don’t have the money or resources right now to do that safely.

i do not deserve to be treated like this.

i fight every day. i fight hard. and even though my life looks pathetic to a lot of people, i try my god damned best.

[thekaleforest]

all i truly want for my birthday is understanding and support.