#forjm

[forjm-blog]

Atlas

Things just don’t seem as clear to me anymore. I don’t want to try new things. I don’t want to go to new places. I don’t want to go to old places. I feel lost. I know where I am. I know where I am. I know where I am. But I still feel lost. Maybe I am lost.

[forjm-blog]

Time travel

I tried to imagine what it would be like for me to go back in time. Take back every hurtful thing I have ever said. Take back the moments where I felt disconnected to you. If I could time travel I would go back to the moments you were sad and make them better for you.

I would hold you so tightly instead of pushing you further away. I would listen to your laugh instead of cause you frustration. If I could time travel it would be to you. (Maybe I would go see some dinosaurs and be an extra in the Back to the Future films but otherwise it would be to you.)

I have seen the moments in my heart that make me the happiest. The moments that I have cherished since we were children. The moments I hope to always remember. Our memories are the first place I go to when I wake up. Your face greets my mind before I open them.

How could you not be the moment in time I travel to?

I miss you.

[forjm-blog]

Your text

I have tried to keep my distance and when I think I am making progress you go and text me.

Of course instead of just saying “hi” you send me a funny meme and a text as if we hadn’t just gone what has felt like lifetimes not speaking to one another.

I said I wasn’t going to respond.. And then there was nothing in the world I wanted to do more.

I missed you. I have always missed you. I will always miss you.

My heart stopped when I heard your text. The customised sound that I only hear when you send me something. The sound that makes me smile before I even have time to process that it is you.

I used to hear it all the time. It was my favourite jam. It still is. 2 simple notes that change my mood from whatever state I am in to happiness.

I love the way you make me feel even when we are apart.

[forjm-blog]

11:00pm

Is it strange that I still miss you at this hour? That I still wonder if you have fallen asleep because you always went to bed so early. I wanted to be with you even more when the clocks changed to 11.. I knew sleep would come and I would miss you. Miss your love. Miss your laugh. Miss your thoughts. Miss your humor. Miss you completely. You are one of few who know how hard it is for me to sleep at night and so when you aren’t there I get lost in my thoughts. I get lost in the music. Our music. 11 o'clock every night and I say good night to you. I don't anymore or at least I don’t as often as I used to. Some nights are easier than others. Some seem endless. Lately they all seem endless. Have a good night.

[forjm-blog]

I hope one day you want to love me again

People make mistakes. I used to think of myself as anything but human. What was so great about being human? I could be anything I wanted to be. I would be anything I wanted to be. Nothing could stop me. And then... You came bounding back into my life and even though I tried to ignore these crazy feelings that humans have I couldn't help but be so thankful that I could feel your love. The only love that has made me want to be human. I wanted.. I want to love you in a way that only humans will be able to register. In a way only you will understand. I am human. Which also means that I have felt heartache. I have felt loss. I have felt empty. Without you all I feel is empty. I try to fill my soul with other things except my heart remembers you and there is nothing that can stop it from falling to pieces and emptying all that I thought was my happiness. Today, I don't want to be human. But I will so I never forget your love.

[forjm-blog]

Rocks...

Everyday I go on a run and everyday I try my best to not think of you. It’s hard though. Everything makes me think of you. Everything makes me want to call you. Fly to you. But relationships don’t always work that way.

I listen to music and your smile comes to mind. I spot a bird and I think of how I want to fly away with you. I see how free your spirit is in the movements of a soaring bird. I feel the wind against my skin and I can’t catch my breath because I feel you missing from me.

The first moment you come to mind I pick up a rock and I carry it with me and when I get home I put it on this side table. I have this theory that the day I don’t pick up a rock will be the day I can finally let you go. My table is filled with rocks and I don’t know what will happen first.

Will I be strong enough to let you go?

Or…

Will the legs give out just like my heart has.

I told you something about myself that I was obsessed with. Could not ever have enough of it. You stole my heart and when it was just me left here that feeling of obsession vanished. I have tried to feel for it again and I can’t. It’s you. You are my kryptonite. You are my soulmate. But only I know that now.

[forjm-blog]

From KC to SD 33 hours in an airport

You weren’t speaking to me and I didn’t know what to do. I spent the weekend with my family but I wasn’t really there. I left my phone places so I wasn’t tempted to read our texts or look at the videos or pictures of your beautiful smile. I felt my heart breaking and I didn’t know what to do. I just knew I wanted to be with you.

I boarded a plane from KC to San Diego and when I was flying out there I thought.. I will call you.. I landed and I walked off the plane. I walked to the nearest chair and I sat there. I sat there for 33 hours. I text you hoping you would respond before I got on my flight back home.

You didn’t.

My heart shattered and I felt empty for the first time in any relationship I have ever been in.

You text me the next morning.

“Miss you” With a picture of a card that said “I love you, Honey bee.”

I felt my heart beat again.

[forjm-blog]

I don’t want very often.

because I don’t need very much.

so when i do want something.

I want to be able to want it.

I want you.