Xuebing Du
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@forjm-blog
Atlas
Things just don’t seem as clear to me anymore. I don’t want to try new things. I don’t want to go to new places. I don’t want to go to old places. I feel lost. I know where I am. I know where I am. I know where I am. But I still feel lost. Maybe I am lost.
Time travel
I tried to imagine what it would be like for me to go back in time. Take back every hurtful thing I have ever said. Take back the moments where I felt disconnected to you. If I could time travel I would go back to the moments you were sad and make them better for you.
I would hold you so tightly instead of pushing you further away. I would listen to your laugh instead of cause you frustration. If I could time travel it would be to you. (Maybe I would go see some dinosaurs and be an extra in the Back to the Future films but otherwise it would be to you.)
I have seen the moments in my heart that make me the happiest. The moments that I have cherished since we were children. The moments I hope to always remember. Our memories are the first place I go to when I wake up. Your face greets my mind before I open them.
How could you not be the moment in time I travel to?
I miss you.
Your text
I have tried to keep my distance and when I think I am making progress you go and text me.
Of course instead of just saying “hi” you send me a funny meme and a text as if we hadn’t just gone what has felt like lifetimes not speaking to one another.
I said I wasn’t going to respond.. And then there was nothing in the world I wanted to do more.
I missed you. I have always missed you. I will always miss you.
My heart stopped when I heard your text. The customised sound that I only hear when you send me something. The sound that makes me smile before I even have time to process that it is you.
I used to hear it all the time. It was my favourite jam. It still is. 2 simple notes that change my mood from whatever state I am in to happiness.
I love the way you make me feel even when we are apart.
11:00pm
Is it strange that I still miss you at this hour? That I still wonder if you have fallen asleep because you always went to bed so early. I wanted to be with you even more when the clocks changed to 11.. I knew sleep would come and I would miss you. Miss your love. Miss your laugh. Miss your thoughts. Miss your humor. Miss you completely. You are one of few who know how hard it is for me to sleep at night and so when you aren’t there I get lost in my thoughts. I get lost in the music. Our music. 11 o'clock every night and I say good night to you. I don't anymore or at least I don’t as often as I used to. Some nights are easier than others. Some seem endless. Lately they all seem endless. Have a good night.
I hope one day you want to love me again
People make mistakes. I used to think of myself as anything but human. What was so great about being human? I could be anything I wanted to be. I would be anything I wanted to be. Nothing could stop me. And then... You came bounding back into my life and even though I tried to ignore these crazy feelings that humans have I couldn't help but be so thankful that I could feel your love. The only love that has made me want to be human. I wanted.. I want to love you in a way that only humans will be able to register. In a way only you will understand. I am human. Which also means that I have felt heartache. I have felt loss. I have felt empty. Without you all I feel is empty. I try to fill my soul with other things except my heart remembers you and there is nothing that can stop it from falling to pieces and emptying all that I thought was my happiness. Today, I don't want to be human. But I will so I never forget your love.
Rocks...
Everyday I go on a run and everyday I try my best to not think of you. It’s hard though. Everything makes me think of you. Everything makes me want to call you. Fly to you. But relationships don’t always work that way.
I listen to music and your smile comes to mind. I spot a bird and I think of how I want to fly away with you. I see how free your spirit is in the movements of a soaring bird. I feel the wind against my skin and I can’t catch my breath because I feel you missing from me.
The first moment you come to mind I pick up a rock and I carry it with me and when I get home I put it on this side table. I have this theory that the day I don’t pick up a rock will be the day I can finally let you go. My table is filled with rocks and I don’t know what will happen first.
Will I be strong enough to let you go?
Or…
Will the legs give out just like my heart has.
I told you something about myself that I was obsessed with. Could not ever have enough of it. You stole my heart and when it was just me left here that feeling of obsession vanished. I have tried to feel for it again and I can’t. It’s you. You are my kryptonite. You are my soulmate. But only I know that now.
From KC to SD 33 hours in an airport
You weren’t speaking to me and I didn’t know what to do. I spent the weekend with my family but I wasn’t really there. I left my phone places so I wasn’t tempted to read our texts or look at the videos or pictures of your beautiful smile. I felt my heart breaking and I didn’t know what to do. I just knew I wanted to be with you.
I boarded a plane from KC to San Diego and when I was flying out there I thought.. I will call you.. I landed and I walked off the plane. I walked to the nearest chair and I sat there. I sat there for 33 hours. I text you hoping you would respond before I got on my flight back home.
You didn’t.
My heart shattered and I felt empty for the first time in any relationship I have ever been in.
You text me the next morning.
“Miss you” With a picture of a card that said “I love you, Honey bee.”
I felt my heart beat again.
I don’t want very often.
because I don’t need very much.
so when i do want something.
I want to be able to want it.
I want you.
JM, I knew when I wrote this that it was about you. I was asked to write my own missed connection for a vocal presentation based off of the anonymous Ultimate Missed Connection posted on a craigslist page. This was a missed connection I had written using a photo of you and your girls it wasn’t a romantic thing for me but now that I read it again I think that maybe it was because I would search for you, forever. Life and Death -Paul Cardall A Lifetime Of Hope I brushed your hand as I walked passed you among a sea of students. I know it may seem odd that I reference the sea when describing our encounter. Or maybe you didn’t even notice. I chose that word very carefully because I wanted you to understand what was happening inside of me. I don’t want to focus on the mass of people surrounding us, I chose the sea to describe the compression in my chest as if I were drowning. The crowd pushing us further apart, the excitement of what would be the start of a new year grows, another semester, hundreds of different beginnings. Including my own. I closed my eyes for just a second and my whole world seemed to change in that instant, in that moment I was lifted, I was complete, I found my forever. I opened my eyes and my heart stopped, I opened my eyes and my breathing ceased to exist, I opened my eyes and my search began, because when I opened my eyes you were gone. I looked for you, your brilliance masked by sea that seemed determined to let me drown. With each description of your features you resembled more of the Gods than a mere mortal, there are no words to describe my forever. In that instant I felt your touch, the kind of touch a person can go a lifetime without ever experiencing, the kind of touch we search for everyday whether we are looking for it or not, the kind of touch you never forget. I could feel your heart, I could see your thoughts, your dreams are beautiful – I could live in the moment forever. I sometimes wonder if this will find you, if I will find you. I heard your laugh again today but of course you weren’t there, with an unforgettable smile how could you not have a laugh that makes any moment apart, worth that moment, I would hear it again. I can hear it so clearly in my mind. It isn’t boastful or even reverent, it is that laugh, that sweet, perfect sound that makes me giggle, because I know it has escaped straight from your heart. You have the best laugh. It is remarkable to me that my heart still functions without you by my side it beats much slower than the moment our hands brushed and your eyes greeted mine with that smile. Your smile. There are times when I think I have found you, there are signs of you everywhere. I see you in the passing of a stranger, the glimpse of a familiar face. Always followed by a double take, wishful thinking, longing, hope. When I was young, I only wanted one thing mint chocolate chip ice cream and all we had was strawberry. I tried it and you know what it is now my second favorite flavour. I thought I knew what I wanted then.. I know what I want now. This time I won’t settle for strawberry.. I know that anything else will only come second to you. I wish you were here, so I could share every moment of my past with you in the present.. To hear your vision of the future. Our future. I have had so many lifetimes with you, each day apart is a new story, a beautiful tale of our forever. I hope one day this finds you and I can breathe again. always searching, TM
I will always long for you. forever.
There is something about the way you love me that makes me want to be better for you. Like I will never be good enough but I want to try to be. I have loved before but nothing compares to my love for you.
I want to do anything and everything with you. I want to lean against the kitchen counter and breathe you in as we cook together. I want to be with you and watch our kids grow. Can you imagine how much I already love our kids?
It is crazy how much I wanted to be a parent before and now I want to be a parent to our kids. I loved your kids before I ever told you. I loved you before I told you. I will love you all forever.
I had this thought that I have shared with you. I was sitting with you my legs wrapped around you and your girls.. our girls.. were opening christmas presents I just watched you and even though it wasn’t a real memory I could have lived in that moment. Your laugh. your smile. I could see happiness visible in your eyes. I want to give you that.
I used to ask you if you wanted to runaway with me.. I always meant it. I wanted to take you into my arms and run. I want to take you away from the world that could hurt you and built you a home of happiness, love.
When we were younger your laugh would get stuck in my head and I thought if you knew how special that sound was to me you would be my best friend forever. I would say things to try to make you laugh and I couldn’t help but melt inside each time you did. Your smile was everything to me. I was obsessed with you. I couldn’t get enough of you. I used to think it was infatuation but now I know that it was love.
I would give you the world if I could. I will spend my life trying as long as I have your love to keep me going one day the world will be yours.
Will you runaway with me? We don’t have to go anywhere or we can go everywhere. I don’t mind as long as I am with you.
You sent me this song when we first started talking and it was the first time I really thought you were actually into me. I listened to it all the time. I still do.
I was under the impression that this wasn’t real life. How could it be? You are you and I am me. We couldn’t be in love. Could we? I went to bed with you on my mind. When I was able to sleep you were in my dreams. When I awoke you were the first thing I wanted to see.
Be still my heart. Nothing could stop my heart from racing when you are on my mind. Years of always wondering and then you let me in. I would have never let myself fully love you because we couldn’t. We had guidelines, rules, covenants we always had to follow. But you didn’t care. You made me believe in love again.
I remember the first time I heard this song I felt every sadness from recent events in my life just disappear. I always thought you were my Kryptonite but now I know you are the yellow sun. You strengthen me even when we aren’t together. (I know you will enjoy that superman reference because we are both nerds.)
I love you, honey bee
When I was younger I never imagined that one day you would be the love of my life. The only person I want to hold my heart until the end of time. Forever.
You were so shy around me and even though I wanted to close up around you I wanted you to always notice me. I wanted to be your best friend. I couldn’t wait to go anywhere I knew I might see you.
As kids that is all you want, to spend time with the people who make your heart smile. If you are lucky you know what that feeling is. You know what the term “Love” means. You crave that kind of happiness and kids love hard. Kids love pure.
I loved you then. I wasn’t one of those kids who knew this feeling but I know it now. My heart still feels that way about you.
I used to love to hear your laugh as kids because that is all that you would give me. You have the best laugh. I would listen to your stories and when I would come around you would stop speaking. I used to think you didn’t like me and I wanted to impress you so much. I would try so hard to make you laugh and each time you did was a victory in my heart. One step closer to being your friend.
You moved away. Over the years we lost touch you moved on with your life as I did with mine. I would get small glimpses into your life through your family and you looked so happy. I thought of you more than I was willing to admit to you even now I am being vague about just how much. I missed you. I have always missed you.
You recently came back into my life with such a blunt force that the only thing I had time to do was love you. I had no time to think it through. I saw a different future in store for me and when you told me you loved me everything changed. I never wanted to go a day without being present with you. I never thought I would love anyone so quickly and so completely that the only explanation would have been that we were soulmates.
JM, you are the reason I dream in colour.