#forthopeornohope

[dweeballs]

Started this 4 years ago with @fvkillers and @forthope #fvk #fearlessvampirekillers #forthope #FvK #forthopeornohope (at England)

[dweeballs]

Another one for the collection #forthopeornohope #forthope #forthopearmy (at Bethnal Green (East London))

[dweeballs]

@forthope last night thanks tho @justjammers and @jonathangaskin for my leaving conga #forthope #forthopeornohope @patternsbtn #patternsbrighton #conga (at Patterns)

[dweeballs]

Great to see my pals @justjammers @jonathangaskin and @simonerowlands from @forthope at @patternsbtn #forthope #forthopeornohope (at Patterns)

[lawrenceispichu]

slipped out of control.

I’m gonna put context warning here: Suicide, Self Harm, Depression. /

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Today really scared me. It’s no secret that I suffer severe depression, anxiety and PTSD as well as being a cutter for 9 years. But today..... was a challenge. I haven’t left my bed all day; apart from the necessity of the bathroom and kitchen for food. I wanted to overdose. I was so desperate and tired. I wanted it all to end. I didn’t want to do any of it any more. I didn’t want to pretend to be okay. I didn’t want to smile and say I was fine. I was so tired of faking it. In fact, I’m exhausted from it. When I feel like this, I shut myself in my room, lock the door and put earphones in. I was listening to Fort Hope and just crying as I was so sick of it all. It was okay because I had to relieve everything. But then my brother’s funeral playlist came on and my PTSD went fucking crazy. I went into this frenzy state. I had totally broke. I started sobbing and it got to the point that I was just staring constantly at my medication. I was so ready. But then I texted Samiya in that state, and I was like “I just want to die”. I don’t remember much else because I dissociated, as I started getting flashbacks which made everything worse. I just remember switching my iPod to TWOGB by Jon Gaskin Frontman of Fort Hope and staring blankly at my ceiling for a whole hour, feeling numb and dead. I felt like I wouldn’t live to see the evening. Then I woke up three hours later, feeling disorientated, depressed and still in that state. I didn’t recall when or where I got all the bright red cuts going up my arm but did find my blade on my bedside table so I am figuring that happened when I dissociated, as I have no recollection of it happening. I spent ages just curled up under all my comfort blankets, listening to TWOGB on repeat and it brought me out of that mindset that I wanted to commit. Without Fort Hope, I wouldn’t have made the friends I have, that are there for me when things like this happen. And without Fort Hope, especially Jon, I wouldn’t off lived long enough to make those friends. @jonpgaskin saved my life today. I don’t think I’d still be breathing or typing this right now if it wasn’t for the friends I’ve met through this band or their music. Thank you @FortHopeMusic.