Back into my head..
I've been stuck on my porch for about 2 weeks now. It's been a long and rut like 2 weeks. Filled with Netflix, canceled plans and loads of snap and silence.
I was supposed to be there for my best friend while she goes through her issues, and usually that would be fine. But Everytime I tried to, all she did was snap at me. So when I noticed her willingness to talk to any and everyone else about her problem and all I got was sarcasm and attitude, I stopped asking and tried to be there in other ways, tried to keep her mood up or at least content.
All the while I'm going crazy myself, aside from not being able to walk and the random throwing up spells I was having, I was stuck in a silent routine of neflix, smoking and waiting for the next day. The silence wasn't good for either of us. My nails haven't been shorter. And I've had more random crying fits in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past year, and no real reason why. I feel alone and unable.
I had multiple people tell me mutilple times they were gonna come over, I told multiple people I was going stir crazy just sitting here day in and day out. Nobody actually made it over.
She finally told me last week that I haven't been there for her, she said I was the one person she wanted to talk to, and so I told her I would try harder. It's been a week and I've asked if she wanted to talk or how she was feeling and I still only get annoyed and short answers. She had no problem opening up and telling anyone that would listen to her, usually address in a sad hopeful manner, but I get nothing but snappy answers.
'Why make me feel like a crappy friend and then still not let me in? You asked me to be there for you without asking, I told you to open up. How many times do I have to ask you if you wanna talk before you actually talk. Should I bring someone else here, you seem to open up to anyone else real easy. I love you just let me in.'
She saw me throwing up, she's saw me crying, she never once asked me if I was okay or what was going on. She doesn't ask about me foot, she stopped helping me with it ahile ago.
Which is fine, she's going though a thing. She's usually the 100% one but what do I do when I'm trying to not have a meltdown myself and helping her is only driving me closer to one? I have to be strong for someone who's always string for me, but she unintentionally tears at me with every attempt.
I go back to work in a few days, hopefully that will help me out of this funk. If anything it'll be nice to have some human conversation where I can say something and not be left shaking my head in silence as I slowly drift back into my head.
