This is my letter to her.
This is my letter to her, the words I can't seem to say out loud. The words I can hardly write down silently, as I lay in bed alone for the thousandth night in a row, in a place she used to call home, that now she calls storage. This is my letter to her because my voice she can not hear anymore, my words don't make sense to her anymore, my cries aren't followed by comfort anymore.
This is my letter to her. One I know she won't read.
"You found happiness in a man who likes power. You found an escape with a man who likes control. You found a way to distract from your problems, and left them all on my shoulders. When you fall, I pick you up, and you go running back to him. You have your two worlds your living in, his and mine. His distracts you and calls you a liar when he doesn't get his way, but calls you back when he gets lonely. You love that call back. Mines a different world where my job pays for everything, from the apartment you don't stay at anymore, to all the gas in your car and the nicotine in your lungs. You spend every chance, every night and every day over there and claim it's hard to split your time between us. You don't split it though, cause a night at home is a night he'll stop talking to you and a night you want to avoid, so you'll go even with tears in my eyes. I say I want to move out, you say it'll leave you in a shitty spot and it doesn't matter that my response is I'm in a shitty spot, because to you its just me making it hard for you to go over there guilt free. It doesn't matter the night I cry myself to sleep, it doesn't matter the help I ask for. Only when you need help, it matters. Only when you need someone to cry to because he's throwing a fit about you being away for longer than he likes does it matter.
We moved here as a team, a unit, we moved here as something that worked. I left without hesitation because I knew even being so far from everyone I knew that at least I'd have you. I didn't know I'd lose you to someone who picks and chooses when he likes you knowing you'll always choose him.
I want to leave, so I can I chose to be alone instead of left behind. It's like stepping onto the Titanic after seeing the movie. Thinking you were getting on a life boat but somehow ended up in the cold water. I'm in the cold water but you're too busy looking for him to save me.
It's too hard to split your time but you won't let me leave. I ask why you get to leave but I have to stay. No response. I ask why you let him treat you this way. No response.
You stayed home and cleaned with me, he got mad. The next day you admitted yourself to a hospital. I was there. You got home, and left minutes later, running to the man who didn't want you on his life boat. You saw my tears, heard the hurt in my voice and left anyways.
It's not hard to split your time, or chose who to be with. You chose him. You choose him Everytime. Because me being upset means less to you then him being upset. His words mean more to you than mine. His approval is what guides you're happiness. He didn't leave his whole world behind for you, he didn't have to. He let you come to him. And attached a leash as soon as you got there. You feel pulled back and forth, I tried letting go of the rope but you wouldn't let me. Why won't you let me. You leave me every night, but you come back each morning to take me to work and watch my son so sure that mean I owe you my life? You cried and said it would leave you in a shitty spot. I can't leave, but your sure can. You're just like him in a way, you force me to stay just so that you can run off knowing that you'll have somewhere safe when you need it. You have a leash on me, but instead of pulling me back and forth, you keep my tied to a pole. I'm stuck in a place, in a situation I never wanted to be in forced to watch a movie I don't wanna watch until you come back home with tears from something he said. I'm your support animal who takes care of your support animal.
I didn't move away from everything I know to watch you break yourself down for a man who helps with the breaking. I don't build you up each time for you to run back to the place that broke you. I didn't rent this too big for just myself apartment to be alone. I'd be renting a much smaller place for much less if I had known. I'd have a plan B had I known if lose my only plan.
I said today I want to get my own place, you said it'll leave you in a shitty place but didn't flinch when I said I was in a shitty place right now. You just asked for gas money.
I know you're hurting, I know you're not well. I just wish you'd take a second look at me and see that my pain is just as real. I wish you'd hear my words as a cry for help and not as a game of tug and war. I'm too tired for games. You think I'm being selfish, I think I can't breath. I'm doing too much and not enough at the same time. I'm tired and can't sleep. I make cookies from scratch while Disney movies play in the background because at least once they come out of the oven or the princess finds true love there's a hint of sweetness in the house even if only for a moment.
I wish I knew how to talk without mumbling or second guessing all my thoughts. Nothing sounds right, I can't find the right words that say how I feel without you saying you feel worse. So I say nothing, sometimes I apologise for having feelings and wish you a good night and yet somehow your still feel pulled. Maybe if you look closer, you'll see he's holding both ends of the rope."
This is my letter to her. The one who called herself my best friend. The one who left me right when I needed help, because she needed more help. The one who lost vision of me and got caught in a dream of a happily ever after with a man who gets to control the ending. My struggles don't mean a thing, when you're suck in a dream. You get to hide from them but still feel able to claim the pain if them. So while Im stuck to live through them alone, it's only matters that your happy. This is my letter to her. My silent cry for help. This is my letter to her.